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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

252 replies

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:38

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:40

Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.

OP posts:
Noluthando · 14/07/2022 18:40

Sounds like you are in a very stressful situation. Have you considered that this might be financial abuse?

howshouldibehave · 14/07/2022 18:40

Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

I actually think that’s a fair enough response to them telling you not to work! How did they respond to you telling them he doesn’t give you any money?

Wellthatsjustswell · 14/07/2022 18:41

If he doesn’t give you any money and you do everything with the kids and everything in the house..maybe your anxiety would lessen if you got rid of the biggest source of frustration!

Original poster
Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:41

DH also takes no interest in the kids or my life, everything is about work. I also said this to the Inlaws and their response was that I wouldn’t be living in such a lovely house (current) and looking for a nicer house if it wasn’t for DH’s job.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 14/07/2022 18:41

I think you should have gone further and told them he is a poor husband as he doesn't pull his weight with childcare. It's clear where he gets his attitude towards you from.

ChaiTea20 · 14/07/2022 18:42

Well your "D" H sounds like a dick and you should probably not buy a house with him.

Yes you overshared with your IL but I think your husband is the bigger issue!

MugginsOverEre · 14/07/2022 18:42

Did you go too far??? No.

I would have asked them to take the fucking useless bastard back.

Wombat27A · 14/07/2022 18:42

Leave the fucker.

Rec0veringAcademic · 14/07/2022 18:43

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:40

Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.

I fucking would. Abusive, nasty man.

Blobblobblob · 14/07/2022 18:43

This marriage sounds awful, they all sound awful.

Pegasushaswings · 14/07/2022 18:43

Never mind the in laws, he sounds awful! Why are you moving house? Might be time to reconsider whether you want to stay with him at all!

Clarice99 · 14/07/2022 18:44

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:40

Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.

He sounds abusive. Does your DH have any redeeming qualities?

HollowTalk · 14/07/2022 18:44

Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:40

Any disagreement with DH results in him saying “it’s my fucking house” or “it’s my fucking money so I will choose a house I want” and “get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.

I would definitely take him up on that offer. He sounds absolutely horrible. Good for you, telling your in-laws though I imagine they will twist it in their own way. Apples and trees come to mind.

BreadInCaptivity · 14/07/2022 18:44

MugginsOverEre · 14/07/2022 18:42

Did you go too far??? No.

I would have asked them to take the fucking useless bastard back.

This.

He sound like an absolute arsehole.

Tell him if you divorce him he will be a hell of a lot worse off than he is now....

Thefriendlymoth · 14/07/2022 18:45

Personally I think they need to hear that their golden boy isn’t perfect and that the “issues” they perceive with your choices are not as black and white as they think. They will may double down and try to turn your words against them but you were only telling the truth.

You sound like you truly have so much on your plate OP, have you told DH about how you feel (not that you should need to, surely he has a functioning brain and can see you are doing the lions share). His treatment of you when he had financial control seems very controlling.

Robin233 · 14/07/2022 18:45

I think you were right on this occasion.
A cold , Sharp shock is what some people need.
But he is their son , and blood is thicker than water
So well done for standing up for yourself.
But now take a step back.
Realise that they will probably always side with dh - he is their son. But you have made your position clear. Your self respect will thank you.
(Some people walk around in their only little world. )
Have you got a trusted friend you could confide in as your current situation sounds very difficult.
Is part time a possibility?

HermioneWeasley · 14/07/2022 18:45

Get proof of his earnings - payslips, bank records, anything you can lay your hands on, then leave him and take half. He’s financially abusive and a terrible father and husband

Mousemat25 · 14/07/2022 18:45

I have never said this before on a forum, but leave the bastard. He is financially abusing you in the most horrible way. You deserve better.

Original poster
Anonabc · 14/07/2022 18:45

howshouldibehave · 14/07/2022 18:40

Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

I actually think that’s a fair enough response to them telling you not to work! How did they respond to you telling them he doesn’t give you any money?

They responded by telling me they will give me money! I was really embarrassed and said no I work and can earn enough money to get by

OP posts:
ComDummings · 14/07/2022 18:46

MugginsOverEre · 14/07/2022 18:42

Did you go too far??? No.

I would have asked them to take the fucking useless bastard back.

This ^

Thefriendlymoth · 14/07/2022 18:46

Ooh just saw your update after posting. You deserve better. He sounds awful.

Babdoc · 14/07/2022 18:46

OP I am open mouthed at the abuse you are taking from your DH. Your nasty PILs are the least of your problems- you aren’t sharing a home with them.
Have you considered talking to Women’s Aid about financial and emotional abuse? Or contacting a solicitor to discuss divorce?

Heroicallyl0st · 14/07/2022 18:46

They’re being unempathic and dismissive. Sounds like they needed a dose of truth.

I second the question - are you being financially abused? It definitely sounds like you’re in an emotionally abusive/neglectful environment. Life can be better than this.

Triffid1 · 14/07/2022 18:46

I think what you told your in laws is the least of your issues. Stop looking for a house for you, H and kids and start looking for one for just you and the kids.

In laws are never going to see their precious son as less than perfect. Having said that, if they're having a go at you, I think you should feel perfectly comfortable calmly pointing out where they are wrong. So they say you wouldn't be looking at nice houses without his salary you can say, "Absolutely. But I'd quite happily have a smaller house if it meant that I didn't do ALL the childcare." Or if they say you shouldn't work, "Tell that to your son - I have to work as he won't give me money for myself or for the kids activities."

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