Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

[Anonabc]

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

So you told them their ds is financially abusive and rather than tearing him a new one they tried to enable him to
entrap you further.

You need to get out of this shitshow.

Why are you buying a new house with this twat?

Have you sold your current home? If so it's a great time for a clean break and go your separate ways. Your mental load and stress levels will decline by at least 11 stone

Your ILs are probably the worst people to share your frustrations and anxiety with as they don't want to see anything negative about your husband. They aren't capable of offering you empathy or understanding, same as their son.

What is more concerning is the relationship you are in, financially and emotionally abusive. How can you get away from this? It will grind you down and is probably a big factor in your anxiety.

I can't imagine raising children and managing a household like this... I actually earn more than my dh despite working PT but it NEVER comes up. Every penny we earn is shared and we take joint responsibility for managing the finances, the house and our dd. He takes her to her swimming lesson and a theatre lesson and I spend Saturday morning taking her dancing. He will be taking her to a party this weekend because I want to get some coursework done. He doesn't question me going to the gym and I don't care if he goes for a drink with friends. This is how a collaborative household SHOULD be run. I'm very careful not to say LTB based on a few paragraphs and have never said it before but....ermm..... LTB!

“get out of my fucking house that I paid for”.
your husband is a controlling bully
Your inlaws know it and they don't want you to wake up and smell the coffee and divorce him. Which is what I think you should do. If you are legally married, I am betting you would get custody of the kids and have a good financial settlement if you get good legal advice.

Op what positives is this guy bringing to your life? Think about it, what is he actually contributing? No emotional support, not financial support and nothing regarding the kids… feels like a no brainier. Start making plans.

I know how you feel. I have in the past felt as though I’d said too much to my parents in law about DH. In retrospect, I wouldn’t. However, it’s done. Now, I keep a journal and note it all.
If I need a rant, I ring my mom.

Not at all you told them the truth about they're DS.

From my experience if they think he's the blue eyed boy anything you say about him will simply be seen as you being unreasonable and in the wrong.They may even choose to think you are exaggerating or lying so as to stay in denial as to who their son is. If a man was that abusive to me I would leave. It's emotional and verbal abuse as well as being cruel. Personally I I would be starting to making plans to get out of there. I'd rather live happily on less money in a tiny flat than take that sort of abuse. That's not love! As someone else suggests, get your house in order, get the full picture of his finances and get a divorce. You could get, and deserve, a much better life that this! What are his good points?

Don't buy a house with him, get a good divorce lawyer instead!

Seriously

He's financially and emotionally abusive by the sound of it.

I wouldn't berate yourself over this! You didn't say anything bad.

You are doing the lion's share of the organisation. You aren't as picky as your H.

You need to earn your own money.

Stand very firmly in your own corner here. You said nothing bad or ''roood'' heaven forbid.

You did the right thing, they need to know the truth. How can you not work when your husband is pulling all the purse strings and making you feel like you’re sponging off him.

As everyone else has said, you don't have a PILs problem. You have a DH problem.

This may not be the case at all but if you have sold your house you should check with a solicitor that he is not up to something dodgy with the main shared marital asset - ie your home. That might explain why he is finding fault with every property you suggest - it suits him financially for there not to be one that you have lived in together. Happened to a friend. Please do be careful.

I agree.

You need to work. They are misguided if they think you can rely on this man.

You DIDN"T tell them too much, it's time they knew what he's really like.

Your husband is a materialistic scrooge. Better to be married to someone one on half the salary who is kind, sharing and shoulders half the child rearing. Someone who

Never hold back again from letting his parents know what he is like. Working can be a damned sight easier than looking after children, he doesn't have a clue. I wouldn't want to stay with someone like your husband. Basing it purely on money - his God and yardstick - you are less than him, not his equal. Your marriage is not a partnership. I'd leave him and take every penny I could in the process.

You deserve much better than him.

@Anonabc why are you still there?

Get out- you'll be better off on your own he will have to financially support the children.

There is help out there for you to do this.

Oop! That should read ' Someone who regards you as their equal'.

Mine told me that last statement and I walked out of a 20+ year marriage. Some things are beyond going back.

(There were lots of other things, but that was the last thing he ever got to say before I filed for divorce)

No problem with telling them the truth , but you won’t win they are going to support him regardless.

don’t move . Just look into how you would cope on your own . Quite well it seems ?

he said it’s his house then let him live in it .

Well he is in for a shock.

Stop booking house viewings. One less thing for you to do and it isn’t like he appreciates it.
If he wants to go and do house viewings to buy “his” house then he can organise everything.
You will join him in the house if you like it given it became 50% your house when he out that ring on your finger and you stayed married long enough to produce children.

Given your conversation I would suspect there might be a little more money around for a while because his parents might point out a few pounds in cash each month is going to be a lot cheaper than a divorce.

Definitely make sure you keep up to date copies of all his finances, pensions, mortgages etc because they might also give him the heads up that if you leave he could lose so much money and you working could end up with 50/50 childcare so he doesn’t have to pay you any CM.

He might go for full custody then he gets you to pay him.

If he hasn’t had any interest in the children he won’t have a clue how involved you have to be.

Divorce him and take him for all he has!

I can only echo everybody else.

It would be impossible^^ for you to be feeling good, cared for and un-anxious living in these circumstances. In fact the fact that it's "only" anxiety is quite something.

And if you're in any doubt - which I think you will be - this man is supposed to cherish you more than anybody else and he knows you have anxiety. He course choose to help you with it. Instead he chooses to treat you in a way that can only make it worse.

Don't worry about his family. They're not important. You are important. You did nothing wrong in what you said, but they will support him. Even if they care about you. He's their relative.

Stop looking at houses, it's stressful. Speak to Woman's Aid and then see what you feel like doing. If you want to live like this forever then at least make that choice knowing that this is it. You can't live on the hope that someone will see the error of their ways and change, when their modus operandi actually suits them very well. Make the choice to stay or not. But don't just move houses because that's the road you're on and you have to keep going. You don't have to at all.

You are a human and no human deserves to be treated like he's treating you, never mind from their life partner.

And you are with this man because ..........

Just go and see a solicitor. See where you stand. You'll probably be better off

No but you might be happier and less stressed ...money and house isn’t everything