Had an uncomfortable conversation with Inlaws

[Anonabc]

I have anxiety and overanalyse everything, I’m not in a good place at the moment. Went around the Inlaws with the kids and feel I may have said too much and I am cringing. Not to drip feed but Inlaws think DH is a god who can do no wrong.

They asked how house hunting was going and I told them the truth that DH is being very picky and perfectly good houses are going as a result, after a while he realises we missed a good deal but then it’s too late. This resulted in them going into a rant saying well it’s a big decision and he is right in being picky. I told them I’m stressed as I’m booking house viewing for every Saturday but it seems pointless. I told them I’m stressed about the house situation and the fact I’m 100% in charge of looking after the kids plus I work. Their response was I shouldn’t work. I told them I need to earn money.

for context DH has an incredibly good job but is very tight with money. I actually did leave work at one point but he kept making me feel like crap that I don’t contribute to the house (even though I took care of the kids and the house). We have separate bank accounts so I only really have my money to spend as he doesn’t give me anything. When he does it’s like a big deal.

I wish I hadn’t revealed so much to Inlaws but it pisses me off as I know MIL makes it out that I don’t have to work as DH has a good job, and they make it out that I’m too career focused! The truth is I’m drowning with the stress of looking after the kids, working, taking care of household stuff, looking for a new house plus being the sole person in charge of the kids social activities and clubs. Did I tell them too much by telling them we have separate bank accounts and he doesn’t give me any money so I must work.

Leave. Fuck the " nice house "

He doesn't want to move . His delaying tactics prove that. He's just trying to keep you feeling like you are in a really unstable position as you could move any minute.

Please tell me the move wouldn't be away from your friends and family ?

Leave him. He thinks money absolves him of any family responsibilities. The kids won't remember the cash
They will remember their dad not giving a shit. About them or you.

Get out.

Every time your ILs say things you mentioned above, I would just calmly point out your side of the story. Not in an antagonistic way, but they need to hear the reality for you, why you have to work and the fact that he doesn’t pull his weight in the home.

Take a long hard look at your life. You already support yourself financially by working full time. You care for your kids 100% of the time you're not working, even when their father is available to 'help'. What difference to your life does your husband make other than being another mouth to feed, another person who's clothes you need to wash and another person to tidy up after.

Now imagine it's just you and the kids. No pressure. No going out of your way to facilitate visiting your husband's family. No buying and cooking what your DH likes. No arguing.
And you can even get yourself a couple of weekends of relaxing, doing nothing except enjoying peace and quiet with no responsibilities as the kid's dad will actually have to step up and take them for contact.

Instead of holding back or thinking you said too much I think you need to start saying more! Let the ILs know what a tightwad he is, let them know he isn't that engaged with the kids - let them know he isn’t all that! Stop concealing his faults from them and stand your ground more. Just because they’re his parents it doesn’t mean they’re anything special or that you need to kowtow to them.

usual question really.....why do you stay?

This^👍

Think you SHOULD get out of the fucking house that he pays for…
and go straight to a solicitor and take him for a minimum of 60/40 of everything.

hes financially abusive and his parents are arseholes and made him the arsehole he is.

you won’t change him, he won’t ever change because he has his parents doing a lot of the dirty work of making you feel worthless

Wait, what?! They found out their son is withholding money from the mother of his children and their solution was to offer you money? This is messed up. Please, please get some help and get out of this situation.

👍

Feck no!! He's bringing you nothing but stress. Value your self.

Depending on what kind of job you have do you have access to a counselling service, or if DHs job is so mega do you have health insurance with a mental health provision. I think you would really benefit from some sessions speaking out loud about your relationship and feelings.
the fact that you feel like the bad guy in this situation indicates to me you aren’t seeing things clearly. You are under a huge amount of stress and emotional pressure and need some support and some perspective

To the poster saying leave.

This means ops DC will be stuck with this man ( might be the making of him unless mum and dad take over) on his time with them usually 50 / 50 split.

Anyone remember the op who sadly was living in reduced circumstances whilst her dh and new wife lived it up and her dc chose to go and live with him?

Op would split 50/50 time with this man!

Lord. Almost daily I read these type of forum posts from women putting up with the absolute pits of men in this world. Why are you letting him talk to you like that? What exactly are you getting out of this marriage? I’d say there’s bigger issues than a house move going on here.

You really didn't do anything wrong.

Oh you poor thing

You are being financially abused by this di*k!
No wonder you are stressed.
If my DH would tell me to get out of the house he'd paid for every time we argue I would be stressed too

He clearly takes after his parents.

Next time he says get out of my house. Pack your bags and go to a hotel. Book it on his card and leave the kids with him. See how he can manage without you

Sending you a massive hug x

You're in a dreadful situation and frankly your inlaws are the least of your worries. I seldom say anything this extreme but I think you and your DC would be better off without your selfish, cruel DH.

I'd leave. He sounds really nasty.

You’re angry at the wrong person.

Divorce H and get half the house.

YANBU to tell your in-laws the truth.

And I expect your husband doesn't want to move as it's one less stick in his arsenal to make you feel less then. And make no mistake, even if you do move, he'll claim he's paying more bla bla bla and it'll still be his house.

This - you would be better off divorced - get your own house and get rid of him

Is it usually 50/50? I thought 50/50 was quite uncommon but I’m no divorce lawyer.

Even if it is common, I strongly suspect OP’s husband wouldn’t want them 50/50 at all. Because that would mean doing childcare.

I’d rather live in a fucking piss soaked cardboard box than with your husband love. Perhaps it wouldn’t be the worst thing? He’s financial and sounds like at least emotionally abusive. I bet the kids have to walk on eggshells around him too?

Have you considered you might be less anxious if you weren’t being constantly belittled and abused?

Assuming that you are actually married, next time he says "It's my fucking house" remind him that if you divorce it's "half your fucking house"

Would you be happier without him?