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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… to not expect to have to quarantine like a leper with covid now?

333 replies

wallpoppy · 12/07/2022 22:41

Neither my partner or I ever got covid as far as we know until now, I was a couple of hours away at a holiday house with friends and was feeling a little peaked so took a test and it’s positive. I told my partner, he was sympathetic and asked if I was ok to drive etc, which I was- drove home without stopping to infect anyone else and he wasn’t home when I arrived- when I looked at my phone I had a message from him saying everything is all set and to let him know when I’ve settled in so he can come back.

Basically he’s fully set up one of the guest bedrooms and is expecting me to properly quarantine with the door closed and to be completely separate from him and to not go anywhere else in the house other than the toilet/shower room on this floor. He’s moved my work desk and computer setup in here (it’s normally in the study downstairs that connects the kitchen and the dining room), made the bed up with fresh linens, stocked me up with snacks, and will be delivering meals. If I need to go outside to the garden “that’s fine” but I need to wear a mask until I’m outside let him know so he can avoid the back stairs and the room I’ll be walking through for 30 minutes after and then the same when I come back in

I’ve been home in my plush prison for a couple of hours now trying to figure out if I want to start a fight over this but- this is crazy, right? Both of us are fully vaxed, no health issues, slim, active, etc. and he has never expressed covid fear before, he stopped wearing masks when the critical mass died down, but suddenly all this? I did ask if this was the new normal if we had a cold or a stomach bug and he says “it’s different”.

We have a 19 yo daughter who lives at home when she’s not at uni but she’s travelling now- she did have covid a few months ago but was at uni so this is the first time it’s been “near” so to speak (we both work at home so it’s been pretty easy to avoid).

Honestly I don’t know how to say this without it sounding like a brag but we have a lot of rooms in this house. Enough that we could easily eat our meals and do our work and avoid getting too close without a huge amount of effort. I’m pretty comfortable in here and I’m almost curious to see how he handles serving all my meals on trays but on the other hand this feels insane and I might just to stay at a nice hotel for a week.

OP posts:
Haileystones · 13/07/2022 05:04

Oh and absolutely no sense of taste or smell which is surprisingly tedious too.

ViennaDreams · 13/07/2022 05:15

Can’t he go and live elsewhere for a while if he’s so anxious about catching it? He’s probably being exposed to it all the time anyway as so many people aren’t testing now or bothering to isolate. So his reaction is disproportionate.
With kids at school, we’ve had covid in the house three times since last Oct. It’s just not practical to go into full isolation mode every time it happens.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 05:22

If DH tried to quarantine me in my own house without discussing it first, I would just laugh and ignore him.

If he's so worried about catching COVID, why doesn't he leave and go and stay in a hotel instead of controlling his partners movements to this extent? Hmm

There is no way I would wear a mask in my own home and end up in a situation where I wasn't allowed to nip downstairs to make a cup of tea or use my own garden without needing to give someone advanced warning, ffs.

He's worried - fine - but he doesn't get to control OP like this. He's free to go elsewhere if he doesn't want to catch it 🤷🏻‍♀️

RustyShackleford3 · 13/07/2022 05:24

I have never taken any precautions to protect myself from covid in my own home. My DH works at a hospital so it always felt inevitable to me. However, we were all on the same page.

I think if he wants to protect himself from infection then he has the right to do so, and I think you have to respect that.

canellini · 13/07/2022 05:28

Why would you go to a hotel ? That's proper scary- what about everyone there ?
We've both just had it but tried to avoid infecting eachother- unsuccessfully but I absolutely will next time.

picklemewalnuts · 13/07/2022 05:29

It's great that he's done all that preparation. Because you've been away, he has the chance to avoid it. If you'd been living together the day you were positive, there'd be little point.

Andromachehadabadday · 13/07/2022 05:29

I have it at the moment and me and dp are staying completely separate. Unless there’s other ways he is controlling I think jumping straight to controlling is a bit of leap. Sounds like he just assumed you would be separate for now.

I had covid in late February 2020 and ended up in hospital. It took me 9 months to fully recover. I have had 3 vaccines and had it twice since the first time I got it. The last 2 times I got it, I wasn’t even sick. But of a headache.

This time I am really quite poorly. Chest is bad, headaches are bad and I have a raging fever and feel generally shit. I wouldn’t want to mix with dp and pass this on to him.

From reading the op it seems his view doesn’t match yours. You seem very relaxed by it and he isn’t. The fact that you feel like your only option is accepting it or starting an argument rather have a conversation and compromising suggests this is a happy relationship at all. That’s the actual root of the problem

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 05:36

RustyShackleford3 · 13/07/2022 05:24

I have never taken any precautions to protect myself from covid in my own home. My DH works at a hospital so it always felt inevitable to me. However, we were all on the same page.

I think if he wants to protect himself from infection then he has the right to do so, and I think you have to respect that.

Nobody is saying he can't protect himself.

But what he doesn't get to do is dictate how OP lives in her own home. He hasn't even discussed this with her - he's just demanded she quarantines and wears a mask to move around her own house - that's awful behaviour IMO.

If he feels so unsafe, he's free to go elsewhere until she tests negative 🤷🏻‍♀️

Namenic · 13/07/2022 05:37

YABU. If he wants to avoid getting it, it’s pretty reasonable. He may want to go out of the house, not infect friends/relatives. We don’t have a big house so we didn’t quarantine from each other but our whole house quarantined from the outside.

RustyShackleford3 · 13/07/2022 05:40

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 05:36

Nobody is saying he can't protect himself.

But what he doesn't get to do is dictate how OP lives in her own home. He hasn't even discussed this with her - he's just demanded she quarantines and wears a mask to move around her own house - that's awful behaviour IMO.

If he feels so unsafe, he's free to go elsewhere until she tests negative 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Is that really so straight forward? Why is it automatically on him to have to leave his own home? OP is the one who is sick.

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you, I just don't think it is automatically the responsibility of the none sick person to have to leave their home in order to avoid sickness, just because the sick person has decided they don't want to take precautions to avoid passing it on to other people.

Orchidflower1 · 13/07/2022 05:40

Why would you disregard your partners feelings so much as to flounce off to a hotel?! It’s sweet you have someone who’s prepared to look after you@wallpoppy

Regardless of the excellent level of care you’re getting how could you knowingly go and infect people at a hotel? That’s selfish.

BirdWatch · 13/07/2022 05:43

I am sorry you got COVID, and hope you keep on feeling well. We plan on doing the same thing here, if anybody gets it.

AyeUpMeDuck · 13/07/2022 05:45

I had Covid 12 months ago.
I still feel like I'm not back to how I was before.
I can't walk as far or do as much, like it's permanently damaged my lungs.
20+ mile homes around the peaks are out of the question now, before I'd be doing them twice monthly.

I don't blame him for being cautious.
It's not over. It hasn't gone anywhere. The more people try to ignore it or go to hotels with itz the more it'll spread, the more damage it will do. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

CardiffMam · 13/07/2022 05:46

He's being sensible. I caught Covid in March and I'm still not recovered. 😥

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 05:52

Is that really so straight forward? Why is it automatically on him to have to leave his own home? OP is the one who is sick.

Because he's the one who wants her to quarantine in her own home without even discussing it with her first.

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you, I just don't think it is automatically the responsibility of the none sick person to have to leave their home in order to avoid sickness, just because the sick person has decided they don't want to take precautions to avoid passing it on to other people.

I just think it's shocking that so many people find it acceptable for an adult to dictate like this - since when is it okay to be forced to stay in your room and be made to wear mask in your own home without even a discussion first?

So yes, I do think that he needs to go elsewhere if he's so paranoid - it's certainly what I'd tell DH to do if he tried to tell me how to behave in my own house!

This thread is utterly bonkers.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 05:53

Namenic · 13/07/2022 05:37

YABU. If he wants to avoid getting it, it’s pretty reasonable. He may want to go out of the house, not infect friends/relatives. We don’t have a big house so we didn’t quarantine from each other but our whole house quarantined from the outside.

Then as he's negative, he can go and stay elsewhere while OP recovers, surely?

LaLoba · 13/07/2022 06:00

We are currently in separate rooms as we both have it, and feel too crap to share a bed. So I think he’s got a point. Either of you going to a hotel when you have this lovely big house you describe seems daft, and a bit selfish if you personally do. Hotel staff don’t have the financial security you clearly do, they may not be able to take time off when you pass it on.

Florelei · 13/07/2022 06:01

Well I was young ish and healthy before covid. Now I have diabetes and a lifetime of having to think about what I eat and manage a progressive health condition.

So I can understand why he might want to keep his distance.

ArcticSkewer · 13/07/2022 06:04

I can't imagine only catching it once, or not at all. So I guess I would still be in the paranoid stage if that was the case. He'll probably still catch it though, it's hugely contagious.

Allicando · 13/07/2022 06:09

I tested positive on Saturday for the first time. I am a nurse so have been shocked I have avoided it until now, the last of my colleagues to catch it. I feel ghastly. Constant diarrhoea, head pounding, fuzzy head, tight chested, nausea. Ds 17 also has it and is not too unwell. I think you are underestimating how poorly some people feel with it.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 06:10

LaLoba · 13/07/2022 06:00

We are currently in separate rooms as we both have it, and feel too crap to share a bed. So I think he’s got a point. Either of you going to a hotel when you have this lovely big house you describe seems daft, and a bit selfish if you personally do. Hotel staff don’t have the financial security you clearly do, they may not be able to take time off when you pass it on.

But he doesn't have it and hasn't been in contact with the OP, so what's the risk in him going a hotel for a few days?

It's not the quarantine itself that would bother me - it's his attitude. He hasn't even discussed it with her, just dictated that she has to do x, y and z until she's better.

If anyone had behaved like this for any other illness pre-COVID, they would be 100% be slammed as a controlling wanker - but now it seems to be perfectly acceptable to forcibly quarantine your partner without even having the decency to discuss it first!

Bonkers I tell you.

Pipsquiggle · 13/07/2022 06:10

When me or my husband got covid, we essentially did the same set up as what you have. We isolated ourselves within the household to try to stop cross contamination but also, just as important, to rest.
Do not underestimate this illness, it can really knock you for 6. I hope you only have a mild dose

chaosmaker · 13/07/2022 06:13

wallpoppy · 12/07/2022 23:00

To be clear I won’t just break out and force him to catch my covid, my options are either stay in my cell or go to a hotel if I want to flounce. I am just wondering if anyone else is still doing this level of quarantine in the absence of pre-existing conditions or fragile health or whatever. I honestly thought that was over with and am just surprised that he is on a different page.

He sounds brilliant and organised. I don't know anyone who would rather be ill and not at home. Hope you get better quickly.

LazyDaisy22 · 13/07/2022 06:14

wallpoppy · 12/07/2022 23:00

To be clear I won’t just break out and force him to catch my covid, my options are either stay in my cell or go to a hotel if I want to flounce. I am just wondering if anyone else is still doing this level of quarantine in the absence of pre-existing conditions or fragile health or whatever. I honestly thought that was over with and am just surprised that he is on a different page.

Hopefully your covid symptoms will be mild and you’ll soon be negative but it isn’t that way for everyone so please don’t go to a hotel and risk infecting everyone there.

kateandme · 13/07/2022 06:15

wallpoppy · 12/07/2022 23:00

To be clear I won’t just break out and force him to catch my covid, my options are either stay in my cell or go to a hotel if I want to flounce. I am just wondering if anyone else is still doing this level of quarantine in the absence of pre-existing conditions or fragile health or whatever. I honestly thought that was over with and am just surprised that he is on a different page.

But it isn't just effecting those people.its seriously effecting those people more commonlybyes.but your not immune to being unlucky either.
And every single healthy person I know who's had it have felt like utter shitballs.some lasting months.
Like feeling really really unwell.
All healthy.
If you've got room why not.
He's been pretty impressive actually...im going to say it "for a man".
You don't feel like that towards the illness why is your feelings on it more valid or right than those that do still fear or want to be cautious.