To expect DH to help out with dog?

[Sweaty84]

My friends are a bit cheeky. Often asking for favours.

They've asked me, DH (we've got 2 young DC) to look after their dog for 2 weeks. We all love their dog, especially our DC. She's pretty hyper but v sweet and we have looked after her for weekends a few times

DH is grumpy because it says it stops us being free to do spontaneous things with DC.

But it's us or kennels.

I want to take the dog and think it will be fun. DH says fine but he won't do anything for dog, no walks, no poos, nothing.

I said fine we won't have the dog but DH then felt guilty. We are at a stalemate.

AIBU to expect him to help a little bit and not be so grumpy?

BTW he is off work for most of those 2 weeks and I'll be working from home.

Why does he have to be supportive?

He doesn't want to do any of the care for the dog but he's also not stopping you having the dog in the house if that's what you want?

I don't see the problem. Either take the dog and accept you'll be doing all the work, or say no and let your friends make other arrangements.

There's no need to feel guilty at all - that's on you, not your DH for not wanting to get involved 🤷🏻‍♀️

YABU.

Maybe he's sick of them being cheeky and asking for favours. The dog is their responsibility first. He's right about spontaneous days out as well. Two weeks is a long time.

They do know they are being a bit cheeky to ask you though and are deliberately saying it’s expensive to make you feel bad. You shouldn’t feel bad saying no, but if you feel it necessary to give an excuse, just say you’ve got a lot on with work those 2 weeks, you’ve already arranged for your husband to do loads with the kids so they’re out of your way so it’s just not possible.

two weeks is quite an imposition
i hope they pay you

do you think he will come round?
he hasnt said an outright NO i iunderstand.

I'm not sore they are cheeky for asking as you can simply say no, however you want the dog so again not cheeky to ask if you fancy doing something you do want to do. I dont think you can expect dh to be involved if he doesn't though. Decide if it's something you are prepared to do alone

YABU and a martyr. You know it will restrict your freedom and you know your DH doesn't want it. But you try to guilt trip him (and actually yourself) by saying you are saving your friends money. It was their decision to get a dog, and so if they want to go on holiday they should pay for kennels and not impose on friends. Two weeks is a long time, a weekend might be more reasonable.

If my DH insisted on imposing something on himself that I didn't' agree with, and was eminently avoidable, I wouldn't help, either.

Why was it unsupportive? He’s said if you want to do it then you can, he just doesn’t want to spend the last two weeks of his holidays dog sitting.

Hes just making it clear that he doesn’t want to dog sit - which as he’s off and you’re working it could easily default into a constant train of “Can you just…”

I'm with you OP, but you don't need the hassle - if DH is either going to be a martyr if he helps at all or a pain if he continually points out what you have committed yourself to!

Text back and just say:
'Sorry, would love to help but I'm still working and DH feels he has enough on his hands coping with DC! 😁x'

And go from there...

The thing that bothers me is this.

you have a disagreement, you want to look after the dog, he doesn’t. You both have valid arguments. So you need to reach a compromise (bit difficult here) or someone gives in.

Him saying that he won’t help with the dog at all is……. Well it’s like a teenager.
This could be because he likes getting his own way, and all rules are out the window, or that your views usually prevail and this is the only way he can get some power back.

The fact that you are at stalemate when you have said fine we won’t have the dog, I’m not sure I understand. Is he now saying that you’ve put him in a situation where he’ll feel guilty? His logic is crass.

he’s making it difficult for you either way, a bit like schrodingers cat, or should I say schrodingers dog. I’ll leave the room.

Your reason for wanting the dog sounds more altruistic, his reason for not wanting the dog more selfish. So I’m with you. He’s a dick, and a bit if this is his go to behaviour.

Can you do a deal, he joins in with the dog, and you’ll make up beds, cook, join in next time mates come around.

I have to admit I have been guilty of your DH’s behaviour, never with dogs though. But cooking for all his mates etc. but that was at the end of a very long marriage, where I had been subjected to very entitled behaviour.

You dh isn’t wrong. Why should he pick up shit and walk a dog he doesn’t want to look after? He will be off work looking after the children and YOU want to add a hyper dog and dictate that he looks after it. Nope.

You want to be the saviour then you do all the work or say no.

while you are wfh you can look after the dog so he is free to go out and about with the dc
otoh were you planning to have days off so you could join in?
then throwing a dog into the mix is a real hindrance

Your reason for wanting the dog sounds more altruistic, his reason for not wanting the dog more selfish. So I’m with you. He’s a dick, and a bit if this is his go to behaviour.

Of course he's not a dick

It's also not remotely selfish of him to say he doesn't want to spend the last two weeks of his summer holiday looking after someone else's dog!

Honestly, some of the logic on here is warped. Dogs are hard work, especially in a strange home with small children around. Why should he get stuck doing any of that work when it's not him that wants to have the dog in the first place?

I wouldn't help either. Dp has an old lab, it's her pal, whenever we plan anything, the dog has to be considered, the expense, etc, etc. She's away on holiday in August for 7 days. So the dog is in my care, however, it means I'm tied to the home whilst she's having a lovely holiday.

Dogs are a nuisance. Your friend's behavior is atypical of dog owners, the imposition is shared with others. PITA.

I'd say no to the dog. I don't think it's unreasonable of your husband to not want the extra work. Presumably he'll be looking after your children, maybe have preparation work for the new school year etc.

We're considering getting a dog. My husband isn't that keen and wouldn't expect to be involved with the dog's care except in emergencies. I will take this into account before I make a decision about it. He would like a different pet and the same applies vice versa although we don't have the space for his animal right now.

YABU

He hasn't stopped you and doesn't have to be involved if je doesn't want to.

there's no support to give he told you his stance he doesn't want to look after the dog.

He doesn't want the dog. You asked if he was being unreasonable and actually it's you. And you still won't listen

@Sweaty84

Just for clarity I haven't agreed to anything. Friend text asking last night saying kennels very booked up and very expensive. I haven't replied.

Probably best for you to respond ASAP today to your friends to let them know that you're sorry but this really doesn't work for you/your family.

No point stringing it along and saying a polite but firm "no" now, if that's what you need to do, gives them a bit of extra time to work out what they need to decide next. It's their responsibility to sort out what happens with the dog - not yours. 🌹

YABU and your friends are BU. Your DH is not being unreasonable.
2 weeks is a long time to look after someone else's dog.
If you want to help your CF friends, say you'll take the dog for a week but they must make other arrangements for the first week.
And don't expect your DH to help.

Say no to the dog. This is your cheeky friends' problem, don't let it be a problem for the pair of you. Him shrugging doesn't have to make anyone feel guilty. Neither of you need to feel guilty. Your friends don't feel guilty and they're off to enjoy their dog-free holiday intending on using your free dog care! Fuck that. It's already causing issues between you and it's bound to do so more by taking over two weeks of your DH's holiday. Just because he gets six weeks doesn't mean he owes your mates any help with their dog. Say it's not possible and let them use kennels. Repeat - this is not your problem. Your only problem is saying no so get over that.

Unlike you he’s got boundaries and asserts them

You shouldn't have to say it as your DH should be doing it as agreed. Fair enough if the dog needed water and your DH said no I'm not doing it but it shouldn't ever get to that stage because you should be doing it without expecting him to.

1. That's not your problem that kennels are expensive. Dogs are expensive.
2. Your DH is bang on with that response and I'm shocked you can't see it. If you want to look after the dog he isn't stopping you. Which means a fair bit to be honest as he's agreed the dog can be in the house.

As a dog owner: YABU. Someone chose to have a dog and chose all that it entails, which includes paying for kennels if nobody is available to take care of the dog. It's not your responsibility to make things easier for them by taking their dog for 2 weeks, and your DH is right that it limits what you can do. You are unreasonable to expect him to make those sacrifices if he doesn't want to.

Your DH is setting his boundaries and making it clear that if YOU want the dog, YOU will be taking care of it. There's nothing wrong with that. He doesn't want the dog for two weeks. Deal with it.

I'm quite laid back about this kind of thing. If my partner wanted to help out a friend by taking their dog whilst they're on holiday, of course I would help out. Seems weird all the replies saying it's normal to not help out with something your partner is doing. We do stuff for each other.

Tricky and you sound like a kind person but remember also that if the dog is young you may be setting a precedent here for many future holidays. Two weeks is a long time to look after a dog that isn't yours and anyone who owns a dog must take into account costs like boarding etc.

A compromise might be to suggest they kennel for one week and you collect for the second week?