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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to help out with dog?

203 replies

Sweaty84 · 12/07/2022 09:10

My friends are a bit cheeky. Often asking for favours.

They've asked me, DH (we've got 2 young DC) to look after their dog for 2 weeks. We all love their dog, especially our DC. She's pretty hyper but v sweet and we have looked after her for weekends a few times

DH is grumpy because it says it stops us being free to do spontaneous things with DC.

But it's us or kennels.

I want to take the dog and think it will be fun. DH says fine but he won't do anything for dog, no walks, no poos, nothing.

I said fine we won't have the dog but DH then felt guilty. We are at a stalemate.

AIBU to expect him to help a little bit and not be so grumpy?

BTW he is off work for most of those 2 weeks and I'll be working from home.

OP posts:
whatstheteamarie · 12/07/2022 09:39

It seems like you're going to be working for 2 weeks and your DH is doing childcare, so in that scenario it's fine for him to say "I want to focus on the kids during that time. So if you want to take a dog on fine, but it will be your responsibility."

I guess he's worried that he'll want to head out with the kids but the dog will be barking and you'll be on a work call, saying to him"this meeting will finish in an hour, can you just watch the dog til then" or similar.

Quite frankly your friends are being cheeky fuckers if they expect you to do dog care for free whilst you work/your DH is on holiday.

I say this as a dog owner who books dog care months in advance of any holidays (& pays handsomely for it) because that's what responsible dog owners do. You don't just guilt trip your friends into taking the dog for you.

Put your family time before someone else's dog. A day or a weekend, is a favour. A fortnight for an "excitable dog" is a piss-take IMO.

Sally872 · 12/07/2022 09:39

Also feeling guilty about saying no is normal, just because dh feels it doesnt mean he expects OP to reolve that feeling. He shouldn't feel guilty though, but easier said than done.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/07/2022 09:39

I would be fuming if my dp offered to look after someones dog then expected me to pick up its shit or walk it.

YABU, You offered to look after it, then YOU look after it.

Ihatethenewlook · 12/07/2022 09:39

LivingLifeOnTheVeg · 12/07/2022 09:30

Ultimately, if I wanted to have the dog, I would. I’d do it all myself if I had to. If I had a partner that literally wouldn’t fill up a water bowl for a dog if he was in the kitchen between the bowl and the tap, I would find it pathetic . There’s a difference between not actively doing stuff for the dog and deliberately not doing something for the dog. If he’s going to go out of his way to be unhelpful, I really couldn’t be with someone with that mentality in general.

You couldn’t be with someone like the op’s husband? Don’t be ridiculous. There’s a difference between human guests invited into the home, and an unwanted animal that’s going to need 24/7 care and consideration. The op has said that she’s working, it’s her husbands holiday and the dog is ‘hyper’. It’s her wanting to have the dog but it’s him that’s going to have to deal with it being a pain in the arse all day. You’d honestly divorce your husband if he’d put his foot down and said he’s not going to help out with your friends animal that you’ve decided to take into the house against his wishes on his holiday?

girlmom21 · 12/07/2022 09:42

I'd be really annoyed if someone told me I had to use my annual leave doing something they'd agreed to on my behalf.

However he's being a knob trying to make you feel guilty.

Listenerr · 12/07/2022 09:42

WinterMusings · 12/07/2022 09:33

People seem to be missing the fact that you have said you won't take it if he's not in agreement, but then he's making you feel guilty!

he's being an utter TWAT.

you're WFH, so how much is it really going to impact in days out etc, not much I'd have thought.

he's being ridiculously childish.

my turn.. if HE doesn't want the dog to stay, I'd make HIM tell your friends no!

IN FACT, I'd just tell them yes & deal with it myself and have a goid hard think about the TWAT I'd married if he is petty the entire time you have the dog.

It's literally the exact opposite. OP is making him feel guilty for her deciding to say no because he won't agree to it. He's not making OP feel guilty - it's the other way around!

spotcheck · 12/07/2022 09:42

OP
Sounds perfect. Take yourself and the dog out for lovely long relaxing walks- perhaps leaving your husband to tidy dinner dishes/ put kids to bed / put on a load of laundry.

One person CAN look after a dog, and it won’t be traumatised because one person isn’t picking up its poo.

Wolfiefan · 12/07/2022 09:46

He doesn’t want a hyper dog in his house.
He has agreed to it if you do all the extra work. That’s actually pretty good of him.
I wouldn’t do this. Friends can pay for a house sitter etc. kennels isn’t the only other option.
He isn’t responsible for your guilt.

godmum56 · 12/07/2022 09:47

oh and the cost of the kennels is again not a factor that should be concerning you...that's the responsibility of the owners...and yes if they do keep asking favours (aka the CF brigade) then that puts me FIRMLY on the side of team DH

Original poster
Sweaty84 · 12/07/2022 09:48

Just for clarity I haven't agreed to anything. Friend text asking last night saying kennels very booked up and very expensive. I haven't replied.

I asked DH. He said "fine but you're doing everything. Don't expect me to lift a finger". I said "OK we will say no" and then he shrugged and said something like "don't make me feel bad, you do it if you want or can't say no, I'm just not getting involved".

I just don't feel that was v supportive of him. They are also his friends btw. I now feel stuck with the decision

OP posts:
OooErr · 12/07/2022 09:49

Youve had the dog before so he knows what it involves.
YABVVU. If he refused to do something what wasn’t out of his way (like filling the bowl while he was already in the kitchen) fair enough.
But Walks… poos.. sounds like you want him to make actual effort for something you agreed to!

If you’ve already cared for the dog before you’ve done your bit in helping your friends. You’re not expected to keep doing it and nothing wromg with saying ‘no not this time’.

Original poster
Sweaty84 · 12/07/2022 09:49

I mean they're my friends originally but have become joint friends over the years of course.

OP posts:
OooErr · 12/07/2022 09:51

Sweaty84 · 12/07/2022 09:48

Just for clarity I haven't agreed to anything. Friend text asking last night saying kennels very booked up and very expensive. I haven't replied.

I asked DH. He said "fine but you're doing everything. Don't expect me to lift a finger". I said "OK we will say no" and then he shrugged and said something like "don't make me feel bad, you do it if you want or can't say no, I'm just not getting involved".

I just don't feel that was v supportive of him. They are also his friends btw. I now feel stuck with the decision

Surely he knows you well enough to know that your ‘we’ll say no’ wasn’t very strong. As evidence by your current indecision.

Say no and stick to it. Simple. Let them sort their issues out.

OooErr · 12/07/2022 09:51

I mean unless you don’t mind doing all the work

VickyEadieofThigh · 12/07/2022 09:52

"I say this as a dog owner who books dog care months in advance of any holidays (& pays handsomely for it) because that's what responsible dog owners do. You don't just guilt trip your friends into taking the dog for you."

This, by @whatstheteamarie t , is exactly my feeling. I'm a dog owner and we love our dog to pieces = but she is booked into kennels way in advance of any trip we do (in fact, we ring to ensure they can take her before we book) because that IS what responsible dog owners do. I might add that our (marvellous) kennels are fully booked throughout the forthcoming school holidays, so the OP's friends might be stuck if - as she should - the OP tells them she cannot take their dog for a fortnight.

Her husband is not being unreasonable - dogs are a massive responsibility and he does not want that.

Dozycuntlaters · 12/07/2022 09:53

it's a big ask having someone else's dog for two weeks, totally different to just a weekend. Your DH is just having a bit of a moan, if he's a decent man there is no way that say the dog wanted a bowl of water he wouldn't refill the water for him.......and if he is that way then you have a DH problem.

Your mate has left it very late if she is only now sorting out care for her dog in the summer holidays, you need to book these things well in advance. Your DH has a point though, if he's on his holiday time what happens if you all want to go out for the day? You can't because of the dog....someone else's dog. I personally would say no to your friend. She should have sorted out kennels or whatever ages ago and yes it is expensive but that is part of having a dog. I arrange for a dog sitter to come and stay here if I want to go away for more than a weekend, and I book it months in advance.

OooErr · 12/07/2022 09:54

Also this is the perfect time to get rid of the CF friends. Especially as they’ve not done you any favours. If they can’t afford a kennel they can’t afford to go away.

LivingLifeOnTheVeg · 12/07/2022 09:54

Ihatethenewlook · 12/07/2022 09:39

You couldn’t be with someone like the op’s husband? Don’t be ridiculous. There’s a difference between human guests invited into the home, and an unwanted animal that’s going to need 24/7 care and consideration. The op has said that she’s working, it’s her husbands holiday and the dog is ‘hyper’. It’s her wanting to have the dog but it’s him that’s going to have to deal with it being a pain in the arse all day. You’d honestly divorce your husband if he’d put his foot down and said he’s not going to help out with your friends animal that you’ve decided to take into the house against his wishes on his holiday?

Show quote history

It’s not ridiculous for me to say what I would or wouldn’t be ok with. How odd that you would tell me my own personal choices aren’t ok for me to choose.

I would be fine with a partner not looking after the dog for hours on end obviously... but one that wouldn’t fill up a water bowl or even open a door, no I personally wouldn’t be ok with that. It shows a childish mentality that I PERSONALLY wouldn’t like in a partner.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/07/2022 09:55

"Just if he had offered to do something that I wasn't keen on e.g. have his friends to stay for a weekend I wouldn't dream of then sitting on my arse refusing to help."

This is different though, having his friends round would be something for him. If you're married and cant put yourselves out for each other then there is no point. Having your friends dog round is something for your friend. It's a massive ask to look after a pet for two whole weeks, especially when you're working so it would be his holiday that's impacted

Wolfiefan · 12/07/2022 09:55

Why should he be supportive by looking after a dog he doesn’t want?
Supportive is allowing you to look after it if you insist.
Expensive? Part of having a dog. We don’t book a holiday until we have pets booked in. That’s on them.

Parky04 · 12/07/2022 09:59

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/07/2022 09:39

I would be fuming if my dp offered to look after someones dog then expected me to pick up its shit or walk it.

YABU, You offered to look after it, then YOU look after it.

Yep, 100% agree.

TooHotToTangoToo · 12/07/2022 09:59

I'm in two minds in this, 2 weeks, as a favour, is a big ask for people who don't have dogs.

But, as you pointed out op, whatever has happened to a bit of five and take in relationships these days. He might not do the lions share, but a flat refusal will only lead to you doing the same when he wants something you're not keen on.

KristalBall90 · 12/07/2022 09:59

I’m with your husband. I’m a teacher and I wouldn’t be happy if my DH volunteered a third of my summer holiday to look after somebody else’s dog (on top of childcare) while he WFH himself.

rookiemere · 12/07/2022 10:00

His issue may be more to do with the CF friends, rather than the dog per se.
A weekend is very different from a fortnight - particularly with what sounds like a high maintenance mutt - and I would have thought most decent dog kennels and sitters would have been booked up already.

A lovely lady from borrowmydoggy dog sits rookiedog when we're on holiday sometimes. But I give her months of notice and buy lots of presents for the favour. I also have the dog walker still taking him out so she isn't tied with staying at home.
How grateful have your friends been for previous dog care ?

girlmom21 · 12/07/2022 10:02

Just for clarity I haven't agreed to anything. Friend text asking last night saying kennels very booked up and very expensive. I haven't replied.

It sounds like your friend is the issue, not you or your husband. Could they hint any more heavily?