To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

I hear you op. There are plenty threads on these boards where the op is aiming at a couple of days away without kids so when parents want to do it ...maybe stag/hen do they find a way or they are on here complaining that although it's a rare thing the logistics of it are difficult/impossible.
What m trying to say is that if it's a rare Saturday, say once in two months, if they wanted to enough they could possibly find a way. So are you facing the issue that, since kids came along, they don't really want to meet without the kids on a Saturday? The other issue is that it could be more difficult than they are saying. Not everyone will admit that 'dear' husband won't change his cycling/gym/football routine on Saturdays even once in two months.
When my Dd was young I loved a bit of childfree time occasionally. Different conversations, more relaxing ext. However, although I didn't bring DC along my non child friend always showed an interest in her so there was balance. Your friend/s may also be taking you for granted a bit, assuming you are always there and can pick up again whenever they want.
I would leave off trying to arrange and try to find other things to do so that if they do try to arrange you have to check your diary and aren't instantly available. Also be aware that they might genuinely wish to see you but there are underlying relationship issues at play. No-one knows everything going on in another person's relationship. They may also, deep down think that as you are childfree everything is easy for you and are a bit jealous of what they see as a more interesting life style and. stay away because they don't want to hear about it in the midst of dealing with nappies and tantrums. Not necessarily a good attitude but human nature is very complex.

Sorry for long ramble. Hope a few things to think about. 💐

Men don’t often feel the same, no (speaking generally) although lots do.
Thats because of biology, evolution and usually the mother is the primary caregiver. Also men don’t worry about things in this level of detail. If they don’t see a friend much for a few years it’s no big deal and they don’t take it personally (again speaking generally)
She is free to feel resentful. Yes it doesn’t seem fair but that’s the way it is and quite honestly historically speaking if a mother didnt put her child first then humans wouldn’t be here now!

I’ve only read through your comments and you are coming across as aggressive. What is it you want from this thread? Validation or advice? If you’re not happy with your friends of course you can find new ones. The child free friends in our circle have done that, found new childfree friends and have widened their social circle rather than dumping their old friendships.

How old are the children involved? Depending on parents situation (no parental childcare, children with a few not serious but long term health issues, sandwich generation, caring for parents) the first 3 years for us has been survival.

I did this.

This is exactly what we do - a bit more often than that, and also we both go out separately during the week in the evening at least once a week - so I agree with you that it's not impossible or unreasonable (except during the early days of breastfeeding with each of them). But I would point out that doing this every six weeks doesn't mean you'd see each friend every six weeks unless you have some sort of Friends/Sex and the City set-up where you only have a small handful of friends in the world and they all know and like each other and you do everything as a group. I have friends that I really treasure and adore the company of but who I probably see about once every six months under this system, which I can see from the OP's perspective is really crappily little but that's how it works out.

@EL8888 1) not all women are like that

2. And maybe some men don’t. Hence why women HAVE to pickup the slack.

which results in women being tied to their children. Because Dad is off watching footy / down the pub/ gone for a run and left mum home with the children unable to see her friends. Alone.

case and point. Well done 🤦🏼‍♀️

'Men just don’t seem to fall down the “every waking hour of my life and everyone else’s life needs to revolve round my children” rabbit hole like women do'

Probably because there is always some woman (the child's mum, their own mum, their MIL) there to pick up the slack! This needs challenging though, and we need to be expecting more of fathers, not less

Saturday afternoon, family stuff, but evenings? Weird they won't go out because of bedtimes, assuming they have partners. They sound a bit precious.

I think you have to accept that things really do change when you have kids unless you have a lot of childcare support from family / live in nanny or whatever. I've barely ever met up with child free friends during the day at the weekend and been child free myself, it takes a lot of planning. You can't just leave your kids and go out, it's not like having a dog. I've always found it easier to go out in the evening with either DH doing childcare or a babysitter. It is easier to arrange because children are asleep - not as much prepping & planning required. If your friends really can't make any effort to have child free time then yes, move on.

@LuckySantangelo35 I replied to you further up, quoting you, with my own example.

You’re not unreasonable and neither are they. Maybe just not compatible anymore.

@daysayso

WOW, many posters are being defensive and harsh about your honest feelings. Perhaps because they are worried their child-free friends feel the same way about them, lol. My dc are teens/young adults now and my closest friends are largely child-free. I did lose a few along the way, sadly, no matter how close you are to people, these things can happen when your priorities are different and your free time is limited. I always tried to see friends without my children as it does ruin the dynamic (plus I wanted a break away from them) and of course, once the early years are out of the way, it gets easier. However, I realise looking back I am probably guilty of some of the things you mentioned too.

I think you need to do what is right for you and if this means cutting loose some of or all of these friends with children then so be it. Compromise is important but it is draining if you are the one who always has to do it. Before you take such action, is it worth having a frank conversation with any of them?

My longstanding friendships I’d call accessible. I have medical disabilities which flare from time to time, as do some of my friends and I have friends with very young babies and older children. When I’m well I always meet mum and young baby to preschool aged children at their homes, I’m understanding of their distraction in needing to attend to their babies , it’s not that dissimilar to when I’m in pain and find it hard to hold conversations, but hang out with friends who are happy to share down time with me at my home or theirs and just watch movies and enjoy each other’s company, (which is awesome and distracts me from the pain).
We all just work to make our friendships accessible, I think if you have chosen to be childfree, and don’t have space for friends that become insular after having a baby, perhaps just let these friendships go naturally and find more likeminded friends. No criticism at all, I have friends that drifted away after my medical issues meant I couldn’t go to gigs etc anymore and I wasn’t angry and understood completely.

Your friends are in a different life stage to you at the moment.

It's natural that the friendship might cool off a bit while there's small children (you mentioned them napping & going to nursery so The kids are under 4).

It's up to you whether you value their friendship enough to stay involved in a lighter way until the kids are bigger and parents a bit more free. My experience is that's around the 8 mark.

I get that you miss the fun child free friend you had but they have gone. You need to decide if you like them enough to wait and can cope with being deprioritised by them.

It sounds like you probably can't, so you should move on.

I used to think this, but now I have a baby and am breastfeeding.

Babies need feeding every 3 hours so what am I meant to do? My husband can’t breastfeed her, so I’d have to rush like hell to commute somewhere, sit down for a meal/catch up while anxiously watching the clock then rush back in time for the next feed - and that’s assuming my baby was happy to feed right before I left the house, so I wasn’t leaving on a time deficit already.

It’s just not possible. I wish it was.

@cornishandbored22 literally no male friend of mine has pulled any stunts at all, like the ones mentioned on here. Why should friends have to step up just because Dad won’t?!

Sometimes because you don’t want to! Or baby is hard work and you don’t want to leave them even with their dad if they are very little. Or they are breastfeeding and won’t take a bottle or you don’t want to give a bottle. Or you can’t drink like everyone else is because you know when you get home later you will be back on full mum duty with small children to see to. Or becuase you feel guilty for leaving them and want to spend precious family time with them when you don’t see them much all week. Because you know you won’t enjoy it and will just be wondering / worrying how things are going at home every 10 mins. Many reasons!

Awful but very accurate, sadly.

Is this all your friends or just one? Because I think we've all known that one family where even when the DC are a bit older, the mum still can't go out for an evening without meltdowns or who is too paranoid to let their DH do anything.

But that is usually the exception, not the norm (with the exception of the first couple of years when things can be totally overwhelming).

Also, are you 100% sure that the men in these relationships really ARE pulling their weight? I've largely had to accept the end of a friendship because the husband is a total plonker who can't be relied on to do anything. As a result, my friend has, consciously or unconsciously, reduced her circle to just a couple of very close friends because she simply doesn't have the time or energy to manage any more. I am in the group of people who she doesn't have energy for. I don't blame her - we were friends but not super close and I know it's not personal. But if you met her and her husband, you'd think he's a lovely hands on dad. You have to really know them to know that's a total fallacy.

@EL8888 well it’s great that your male friends represent the entire population of fathers on the planet. You must be so lucky to have them in your life 🙈🤣

I have a young toddler and It’s exhausting I work all week and do nursery pick ups and then rush her home to bed so weekday evenings im absolutely shattered! But the odd time I’d go to something with a friend about 7 my husband would do bath and bed etc but I physically can’t do it too often I’m so exhausted

then weekends are quite precious as I don’t get much time with my child all week so it’s important for me to spend it with her

saying that I do go out line maybe every 2 weeks either a Friday or Saturday night with friends and get my lie in the next day then my husband gets his night out and his lie in the following day etc

but my daughter comes first

and her naps are super important unfortunately and basically we are currently ruled by her schedule

I think breastfeeding aside and Saturday working partners aside, there is a lot of mummy martyr stuff going on and women feeling like they shouldn’t go out and socialise now they’re a mum cos their kids have to be the focus of their attention 24/7 and their friends are not important now.

Ditto stuff like going to the gym.

Or getting your nails done etc (IF that was stuff you liked doing pre baby), nothing is seen as important as being with your kids all the time and every thing is trivial and self indulgent

however all mummy martyrs I know come to regret this in time

@cornishandbored22 l never said it was representative of all but lm struggling to find male examples of this kind of behaviour mentioned on this thread

Its probably not coincidence as lm not usually friends with people who are dicks 👍

She said that she tried weekday evenings but was told no because of bedtime.

OP, I don't think you're being outrageous. You're asking to meet up with your friends roughly four times a year without their kids. These are friends who have supportive partners, you said, which makes a difference.

I do think things are harder for parents than it seems from the outside: emergencies and exigencies abound. But I don't think it's too much to ask that your friends, as much as possible, answer a text within 48 hours or try to stick to plans when they can.

There are a lot of people who look up suddenly surprised to find that they haven't talked to their "close friend" in six months and suddenly that close friend isn't available when they need something. I think parents are wise to understand that while their kids will always come first, there are other relationships that matter too.

I did not want to meet with my mom kid friends. I found them boring! Sorry but I’m also sick of this idea that women can’t enjoy and embrace being mothers and somehow are ‘letting the side down’ if they don’t cling to their precious ‘free’ lives.

I liked meeting with other mums who got me, who didn’t expect me to be someone I no longer was. Also there were times when I met with my friends who did not have kids who moaned about being tiered when I literally had not slept more than 90 minutes a go for over a year. She had NO idea how I felt and that is a very lonely place to be in a friendship.

As it is now my kids are older these friendships are coming back on line. As yours will if they are good friendships. But you do need to find something else to do with your time if this is hurting you so much.