To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Non kid friends not mom kids

@LuckySantangelo35 My two are particularly young and all-encompassing right now (DS1 is almost 3 and DS2 is almost 1). But effectively when working we're out of the house 8 - 5.30/6. Bed time is around 7.30-8pm.

Monday - Friday we don't see the kids other than get them ready, drop them at childcare and then feed/bathe them before putting them in bed. And then once they're in bed it's time to prep and sort stuff ready for the next morning. I rarely get an hour before I need to be in bed myself ready for the next day. Throw in a few bad nights due to nightmares/heat etc and weekends become incredibly precious.

Weekends for us are the only time we get a chance to catch up on sleep, do house jobs and spend time together as a family. In all honesty, I could spend time with friends/family on the weekend, maybe once every 6 weeks or so... But the people like the OP aren't the only people a person might want to see. If they also want to see other mum friends, family, go away, kids birthday party, run errands, catch up on housework etc then actually they'd only have time to see the OP once every 6 months or so if they're rotating who/what they do on a weekend (and attempting to relax too).

Not to mention I'm exhausted most of the time and honestly don't have the energy for socialising. I expect (dearly hope) that this will get easier as the kids get older. But I don't have much time for doing stuff without the kids, tbh I don't have time for anything full stop. The only exception to this is something that gets booked on a regular cadence, normally we work that into our routine. It basically all comes down to prioritisation, too many demands and not enough time, something has to give.

To the OP - I think you need new friends (assuming you have no plans to have kids). Whether your friends are being reasonable or not, they're not able to maintain the friendship how you'd like so YANBU to let the friendships go and create new ones with people you have more in common with.

So dump all your friends. They are probably fed up with you too! But remember this. It is, your friends that rally round when you have a crisis, and if you have dumped your friends because they don't fit in with your life, when that crisis hits, you are on your own. If you don't know ehat that feels like try reading some of the threads on here about women who move to different countries when they get married and font have time to make friends, they are devastated when that crisis hits snd they are totally alone with just their DH for support. Stop being selfish and get over yourself.

I too struggle to carve out time....and look after my mental health etc.

It has been particularly difficult in recent years too, if you had spoken to me in March 2020 before the schools closed down - and I was home schooling for well nigh eleven months on my own...

I would have said then 'oh, things are going okay, DD is getting more independent now' and I felt as if I could do more things for myself/get out more/etc...

And then the whole thing seemed to fall apart in some ways as schools closed, and I had stark choices - either I supported her in upholding an education, or it didn't happen.

..and I had my limits re burnout etc. - even now at college I can't rely on them going every day and every week because of the teacher retention thing and still covid absences 'study days' and 'weeks' are more frequent...

It is all very well for some people to say 'they don't need you now' but actually they do as teens - and sometimes more than ever. There is always some unexpected circumstance - which requires you to be there as back up.

Many a time personally I would have liked to ditch it all and go out with friends and I just couldn't. I don't regret my choices though, after all we are dealing with the next generation here - and they have suffered a lot during Covid. Everything has been impacted for them.

Saturday afternoons are unreasonable. It is family time!

This stuff about kids being 'an atomic bomb' and being 'all consuming.' Yeah, they're really not. If you tell yourself that and read all the books and blogs that tell you that, sure, you might believe it.

But there's another way. It's the way where the child is just a small person in your life and you pop its coat on and you go out and do all the things you want to do. I took art classes and attended museum workshops, because magically, the baby doesn't stop things happening. You're just told you have to sit at home staring at it all day. Someone mentioned that 'a weekend in Madrid' can't happen with kids. Yeah they can. You just book and go. My toddlers caught the metro and ate tapas in Bilbao and the world didn't implode. All the trips you want to take and things you want to do, you can literally do them.

The only 'atomic bomb' going off comes from advertisers who have shit to sell you, so they convince you some sort of baby item is the solution to your problems. There isn't a bomb. Babies and kids aren't a big deal. You can still live your life.

teacher recuitment crisis - i.e. in one subject they don't have a teacher AT ALL!

I think YANBU. My dch and most of my friends' dch are in their twenties now, and we meet up for dog walks, coffee etc. But my friend with a young DS often does cancel, can't make it, which is fair enough, because he comes first, and activities with him come first. One of my friends is a widow, dch left home, and she told me that no-one is ever available at weekends. I have a choice at weekends - see her, or do something with my DH and/or adult dch. I do prioritise her sometimes. My point is - this is how it is. Can you ask them individually out for a walk/over to yours for coffee in the daytime, or whatever would suit them? It is possible to maintain a friendship but it needs the will and effort from both parties.

@Silverswirl

i find that so sad though that a woman may not want to go because she’d feel guilty and or too worried about what may happening at one.

it’s one afternoon! The kids are with their dad!

no need to feel guilty, no ones gonna die!

I think if you feel like this all the more reason to go.

never be a mummy martyr! The kids will grow up and you will be what?! Friendless, hobbyless, lacking in purpose and sense of self. Don’t do it!!

aa previous posters have said you’d never get men not going out to the footy or whatever or having a pint with mates because of ‘dad guilt’
who has even heard of dad guilt, it’s not a phrase. Which speaks volumes.

But if you work all week then you have to fit everything in a Saturday or Sunday. So that's family time, housework, kids clubs. Then if you have a supportive partner you can maybe get an afternoon to yourself every 3 weeks or so reasonably, maybe you get the Saturday and they get the Sunday. But in that afternoon you would have to fit ALL of the stuff for yourself. So hair appointments, shopping (the fun kind), gym, seeing friends. Assuming you have more than 1 friend that doesn't leave much space for each individual friend.
If you are childless you have SO MUCH TIME!!
YOU should be the one accommodating them. Or yes just find new friends

I’m struggling slightly to understand what you really want here OP.

You say:
“every meet includes the kids - without consultation it's just a given now. Every knows a parent is distracted and conversation not the same when this happens”

pp have explained that family time is precious to them (and TBH I assume the kids are coming when I meet friends - as my friends know that weekends are priority family time)

but then you complain about:

“being left out of meets with other mom friends”

if I had a friend who clearly found it irritating if I brought the kids and who kept asking to meet without the kids then I would assume that the very last thing that person would want to do was meet up with me, my mummy friends (and - most likely - all of our kids…). I wouldn’t even ask…

it doesn’t sound as though you and these friends are currently well aligned in terms of expectations and timing. So maybe focus on friends whose current priorities more closely match yours?

I have some friendships that have got closer since having my family and others that have - due to differing priorities - drifted. Some irretrievably. I am absolutely ok with that - people and their priorities change over time, and I think that is normal.

"Oh but my husband can't possibly make lunch for a child, the child might cry for mumsie and then expire from grief."

I did this as well. And if your friends are anything like some of the people on here, then why on earth would you want people who are so insulting and patronising in your life anyway?

As for arranging to visit someone and help clean their kitchen? Fuck off.

Ditch them and find friends who appreciate you. My life now is full of fabulous women with adult/older children, no children and men (fathers and non-fathers).

The point of being friends is that you support each other through all stages of life. A good friend would accept that things will be different through this short period of time, and be understanding. I can honestly say I visit friends and go to their house for a cuppa and a chat and I don't find it 'boring'. Good friends just enjoy the company. I think you've come off sounding really selfish and self centred

But remember this. It is, your friends that rally round when you have a crisis, and if you have dumped your friends because they don't fit in with your life, when that crisis hits, you are on your own.
And this equally applies to anyone who makes no attempt to maintain pre-child friendships. Refusing to make any attempt to have childfree time with friends is as foolish as refusing to accept that a lot of the time children come too. There needs to be give and take on both sides and it sounds to me like OP has been doing all the giving so far.

@yellowbananasinjuly

is it? Says who?

every single Saturday?! No thanks!

I want at least one Saturday afternoon every six weeks to go out for cocktails in town with my pals

“family time” every single Saturday would do my head in

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz good point about the mummy martyrdom. It feels like it’s a spin off of that? Fine if a woman wants to be a mummy martyr, rather unhealthy but her choice ultimately. Not fine if she wants to drag friends along on because she won’t leave children with father / will only meet at random days or times e.g. Tuesdays at 11am / frequently cancels last minute etc. Then getting annoyed if they won’t

Children do change everything for their parents - that’s fact. How you adjust to that is your decision and there isn’t a right way. In most instances my friendships drifted and even those I managed to maintain at a distance are weaker. As someone says your friends are those that rally around you but those with dependents have different priorities and so in a crisis may not be around. I valued their friendship and wish them well but adjusted my social circle and key friends. The upsetting thing is that those friends did become very isolated and I did worry for them but as people say that’s life.

And the bringing the kids along to meet ups is shitty behaviour

i would rather not meet up with them then meet up with their child in tow

I was meant to be seeing my two oldest (and childless) friends on Friday night a few weeks ago, to sort out stuff for one of their weddings. She cancelled at the last minute because she was tired, expecting me to be available the next night instead. I was not available as DH and I had already carved up our time and he wasn't going to be home to care for DS. So that was that.
I must say, at 30 weeks pregnant with a 2 years old and a full time job, I want nothing more in the world than an early night come Friday night but I was pushing through as it was important to my friend. So I was a bit 🙄when the "I'm tired" text came through.

YANBU

It's fine to step back from friendships that are no longer fulfilling, no matter the reason behind that.

For some women becoming a parent takes over their lives, and they usually end up regretting the friendships they neglected over the years once the kids start primary school but that is life.

Even having a child myself I noticed some friends when they had children went very much into themselves and made no time for socialisation, this was usually a combination of having shit partners who didn't share the load and them being a bit obsessed with their new family.

From the get go I always ensured I gave enough time to my friends, both mum friends and child free friends, at least one evening a week was set aside for that from when my son was a couple of months old.

People can prioritise friends if they want, these people have decided not to do that, you don't have to keep trying with them.

I think you're very unusual and lucky if you found you could do everything you did before children with children in tow (and I wonder if everyone else in the art class thought it was so wonderful that you'd brought a baby along?), but in any case the whole point is that the OP - not unreasonably, I think - wants to meet her friends without their children, so the 'just take them with you' model isn't applicable here. No one's saying that you can't go to Madrid with children - my understanding is that there are even children who live in Madrid! - but you're not going to be able to have an adult girls' weekend in Madrid if someone is bringing along their toddlers.

I can see the OPs point. My DC are now young teens and I can finally go out and leave them on their own, but even when they were young I would OCCASIONALLY prioritise an adult only event with a friend or group of friends. I valued them enough to sacrifice some of my family time, and my then DH would look after them or I would get a babysitter. But I had no family, and I knew that I HAD to get some backup in the form of babysitters or not have any friends at all.

Even my "mum" friends and I would go out without the DC every now and then.

I'm so sorry OP that your friends are so shit at being decent friends. Having a couple of years when it's really bloody hard is one thing, but it usually tapers off and unless all of your friends have under 5 year olds then they should be able to occasionally do an adult only catch up.

You can bet most of their DHs have adult only time, be it playing a sport, after work drinks, or a drink at the pub.

I am really torn about this OP. I dont have kids and have found a lot of people who have kids who seem to have time to communicate with and arrange to meet their new mum friends, but not enough time to reach out to me, or even respond to messages. And being cancelled on does send the message of where you are on their priority lists. I have friends who have children where we have maintained our friendship post children - I have had to be very flexible with them, and understand that meet ups may be coffee at their house while I help with the chores rather than going out - I think you are being unreasonable to expect meetings without kids tbh. But YANBU to expect friends to want to maintain contact with you. If they dont, then I guess that friendship was not what you expected or wanted. Sorry, but some friendships dont endure, and it sucks.

You might think this strange but afternoons are probably more awkward than evenings. In the evenings the kids are asleep and dad can look after them at home. Evenings are for adults. Weekends are family time so I'm not surprised there are toddlers in tow.

Have you suggested an evening out - suggest it as an adult evening so no one is tempted to bring along the breast fed baby.
IME friends who bring the baby, will bring the toddler, the pre-schooler, the primary schooler and the grumpy teenager. Some people are just like that. So waiting doesn't necessarily pay off. Also had the reverse happen to me - someone who brought her child to everything for years, was very put out when I brought my baby along some 12 years later.