To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Think it depends on the partner or support network op. My dh and I are happy to cover each other so we both get kid free friend time. I know not everyone has that support though
You will get some mums that won’t go anywhere without their kids and I’m afraid you’ll probably have to cool those friends off!
I don’t think yabu to expect once every 2 months to meet up if the kids are toddlers and there are supportive partners about.

You have no idea.

Thats all I say.

Some men are annoyed when their mates get girlfriends and don't see them as much, let alone if they had kids and stopped seeing them.

My dh sees less of his friends now he has dc than I do. He doesn't seem to give a hoot.

God, some of these replies, shudder!

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Expecting a friend to be able to meet once every couple of months for a few hours without their child if they have a present and supporting partner isn't unreasonable. Women lose their minds once they have kids, I swear. EVERYTHING must be about them, EVERYONE must accommodate THEM because they've got a child don't you know.

The majority of my friends have kids and all of them make the effort once every 2-3 months to do a child-free meet up either on a Saturday afternoon or evening, they enjoy it, it's their time to have a bit of time to themselves and relax. I also do make an effort to see friends with their children but it is a bit of a waste of time as we never get to really speak.

People are acting like mummy martyrs on here. I could understand if you were requesting regular weekend meet ups, but once every 2-3 months should be more than do able so long as they have a supportive partner and can express and baby take a bottle if breast fed etc.

If they're not willing at all to do this and will only see you if you trudge over to their house and play with their children then they're pretty self-absorbed tbh and I'd start looking for new friends.

I did it . I was part of a group of friends since school and they all had children. What followed was a cycle of cancelled plans, every conversation being dominated by talk of children and then shouts of "you'll never understand, you don't have kids". While I dutifully attended christenings, birthday parties, bought expensive gifts and babysat.

Setting myself free the best thing I ever did.

I don't have children but life really does change when you have them (from my friends with children's perspectives).

A Saturday afternoon without children is a rarity (apart from maybe if parents are separated and divorced and other parent has the kids).

I always found evenings (weekdays) or weekend evenings (preferably Friday or Saturday) - cinema/meal out/drinks, went down far better with friends as lots of them wanted to escape kids and could go to e.g. cinema like Everyman and have food/drink.

glad you're not my friend.

i'm the only parent in my friend group, and i have a disabled child at that.. it means my ability to meet up is limited.. i can cancel at the last minute, forget to reply to texts, have to invite them over here instead...etc and they're all lovely and understanding and really supportive.

You are not wrong - but if the OP is only offering Saturday afternoons as a possible meet up time, then frankly, who is being inflexible now?

You need to accept it and find new friends op. Their kids will always be their priority. Life is busy with children and your friends have very little free time now. I know it's disappointing when your friends have a family and have moved on but that's just how life goes. I remember feeling the same years ago, it felt like a period of mourning almost for the friendships we had that now didn't exist anymore.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

If you think about it, that is actually quite a big ask.

There was no big drama, but I noticed that as my friends had children they tended to drop out of our social circles for a while, simply because they have other priorities.

As DG grew up and fled the best, they could pick up again where they had left off. Parents tend to be hugely time poor so although they might honestly yearn to spend child free time with you, it's better to accept that they have other calls on their time which have to take priority.

I can't say I was so sorry that this happened. Small children are really only delightful for longer than a minute or two for direct family.

I'd encourage you to make other plans so that when your friends who are parents get in touch you can be glad to hear from them.

Your friend's life will be much easier to understand when you see It's the entitlement that really just struggle with. It's as if once a child you and your priorities and feelings trump everyone else's that once you have DC your priorities really do change, just for a few years until the DC no longer need such levels of attention.

You are currently fighting this idea and you are not happy with arrangements. If you accept that that is the way life is, and do things with people who do have space in their lives for you, life will be much better for you.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

it doesn’t have to shopping time or whatever every single Saturday though does it?

what’s the issue with once every six works or so dad looks after the kids once afternoon whilst woman meets up with pals for drinks and lets her hair down?

really can’t see the issue with that

To put it bluntly you probably need to get some new friends. I have been subject of lots of situations thanks to friends with children and despite my patience. Including l always to go see them, constant reminders about how “easy” my life is, requests that l get up at 5am to drive halfway up the country as it fits in with nap times (cue a meltdown when l wouldn’t do that!). For clarity these aren’t people with babies / little children, often even continues until they are all at school. There is something about having children
that ramps up the self absorbed bat shittery especially with women

Afternoons are often more difficult especially if they work full time the weekend is the only time with children.

'your replies sound extremely spoilt and self-centred'

That's really nasty and really unfair

Yes defo focus on new friendships with child free people.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

he should do

it’s good to have friends

DH sees his friends about as often as I do - obviously each time he goes out without the children to see friends is a time that I can't and vice versa.

Among the other things to throw into the mix about what makes this easier/harder is the logistics of seeing friends, how far it is, etc. For both DH and I most our friends from before we had children still live in London, which we don't any more - which makes it hard/a hassle to go for the evening, and also means that a Saturday day-time meet-up is likely to take us away from home for the whole day. It's loads easier to see local friends - as it happens, they all have children (we mostly met them through the children) so we tend to do child-friendly things but it would be much easier not to with people who live 5 minutes down the road rather than a 50 minute train journey away.

@FinallyHere it’s understandable that peoples priorities change when they have children but it’s baffling that they expect other people to change their priorities. It’s just not reasonable or realistic. The entitlement a lot of the time is just so excessive

What an awful thing to say about women 😔

What else did you expect when people become parents? I had always assumed people would be busy, not available at short notice, and I'd have to fo most of the travelling (my house I'd not at all childproof.)

I have lost some friends along the way, but over years, that would happen with some people, with or without children. I've also made new friends over time. You don't get a single set of friends that have to last a lifetime - it's always going to be an organic, flexible thing. I made a new friend at a party at the weekend- we won't see each other often, because we live two hours away from each other, but we can chat in between times, and maybe it will fizzle out, or maybe it will develop, who knows?

Also, as we're now around 50, many of my friends from school and uni days now have children at university and working, so they have a lot more availability again, and we're not just stuck with odd emails while they fit in around childcare and activity taxiing any more, so it's changed again. It's good having friends you've known decades, as well as new ones, but it's never a static situation.

Obviously if your partner works Saturdays it’s different but if they don’t why can’t you leave the kids with your partner whilst you go out for afternoon drinks in town with your pals? Say once every six weeks? You can do stuff as a family on other weekends

I’m getting the impression that people don’t this can or should happen but what’s the problem with this?

can anyone explain? I’m genuinely curious!

@cornishandbored22 it’s true though. Men just don’t seem to fall down the “every waking hour of my life and everyone else’s life needs to revolve round my children” rabbit hole like women do

It does sound like you need t get out and find a new group. It's a shame because they'll whinge one day that they lost all their friends.

I went out in the evenings to see friends. Baby left with its other parent, the one everyone seems to forget about. I would be frequently asked who was looking after the baby, as if I'd popped it out asexually. I'd go for coffee with friends, or lunch, or the gym, and then later to workplace events, and there'd still be people acting like this was some monumental act. "Your husband actually lets you go?" was one depressing response.

Keeping my own life intact was great for mental health. Ensuring I still had a life beyond the child.

That said, it wasn't difficult to meet people at events with the children either.

It does just sound like they want to be 100 per cent in that 'mummy' role and only talk to other mums about... mum stuff or something. Because 'no one else in understands.'

I just find it a rather limiting position to adopt. Women should be encouraged to keep cultivating a life beyond parenting. It shouldn't be the be all and end all. And that includes staying in touch with your friends.

I often worry that this is how my friends feel about our friendship after I became a mum. I understand it must be hurtful OP but the conflicting demands of life with children are totally overwhelming.

I struggle to be a good mother/wife/friend/Daughter/sister/employee and still carve out time just to be myself and look after my mental health. Most of the time my needs and wants are sidelined because that’s just how life is at the moment. I would imagine it’s the same with your friends.

I think it’s worth gently raising your feeling with them but this isn’t personal. It’s just how life is with kids.