To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Just get some new friends that have similar interests and a similar amount of free time. I think us women hang on to friends for the sake of it sometimes. I’ve definitely grown apart from friends over the years and that’s fine, it’s no ones fault. Try not to be resentful, it’s just life.

Not all mums are like this. I have a 15 month old and see my non parent friends at least once a fortnight and never with my baby. She's with her dad.

It's actually other mums I find harder to coordinate with because you often end up in a strange one upmanship I can't be bothered with about who is more inconvenienced by a trip.

"I have a baby, Well I have two". "I don't have a car. Well I'm scared of driving." "She'll be napping then. Well mine never naps and will be grumpy". I've accepted I'll only see them on their terms and that's fine.

Ok, so this is another thing - if I'm the one that is flexible due to no kids why do I have to be the suggestive one? Why can't someone say - let's go out one evening??

I haven’t RTFT but this is a telling observation, OP. If you’re always the one trying to organize get-togethers, it suggests they’re not that bothered about seeing you.💐

It’s hurtful, but as PP’s have said, stop trying with them and find some new friends. Everyone goes through this sometimes and if your old friends realize that they miss you, they’ll start making the effort.

Thing is I'm not actually commenting on what YOU could do, it was the "us Mom's" vibe of you insinuating all mothers are so overwhelmed with parenting that they can't possibly suggest a meet up for at least a decade

i’m so sorry but you won’t understand because you are not a mum. To be honest its hard. Like me for example, my kids 2 yo dont wanna be with anyone else so its hard time leave him alone.

last minutes cancelation also happen maybe because the kids is sick. Sometimes kids healthy in the morning but sick out of nowhere. Life is changed. Big change from single to become mum. Most mum prefer to be friended with another mum because they will understand each other and the kids can play too.

My advice just go out with your single friend. Dont expect too much from your mum friends because they will always prioritise their kids and family. I dont tell you not to unfriend them but go out on their terms because believe me they want to have a ‘me time’ with you aswell but it must be hard for them

When I was a child, my parents and other parents I knew went out once a week or fortnight using a babysitter or family. Loads of women went out to the bingo once a week without children as well. It was just accepted as normal.

This might help… lol

i would say that exact thing to my dc yes
just in the same way that a man would if he had long standing plans with his mates
kids get stomach bugs all the time, it’s no big deal

would you expect DH to cancel drinks with the lads? Does it require two parents? Or just a superior female one? So is it OK to say that if you're in a lesbian couple?

do you not remember being a kid and being sick? I do! Maybe I’m weird but I just wanted to be there when they felt like shit and dh has cancelled plans for the same reason. It’s not about who minds them, it’s just about someone needing their parents/mum/dad/whoever.

@stayathomer but they have their dad.

I might want to be there but I also weight that up against the commitments I've made to other people. He might moan a bit he wants me and I'd stop and hug and reassure him, but unless he very poorly their Dad will be fine and so will they. Yes there are times I'd cancel, but if you're cancelling every time your toddler is under the weather which is every five seconds here, you have to accept that you're being unkind and unfair to your friend and you probably need to tell her you don't have capacity for her, not keep stringing her along.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful friend! I'm 58 and child free. I have many friendships that have weathered the arrival of kids and now even grandkids! The ones that survived were those who recognised that friendships are a mutual relationship.

All I ever asked for was respect for me and my time. What really hurt were the ones that flaked again and again, never apologised and went on the defensive and straight into: "you're just jealous/bitter/don't understand how hard it is having kids", when a simple apology would have done. I'm allowed to be pissed off if I've turned down other invitations only to be stood up at the last minute, especially if it's a regular thing. My time matters to me and I have feelings too.

Countless times I've been bailed on because of sick kids. I'm not an idiot. I get it. You're my friend. I love you and I love your kids.

The friendships that didn't make it were the entitled ones who just felt having kids was a free pass to being unreliable, unthinking and unable to recognise that we all have challenges and friends support each other through all sorts of life stages.

yea get you but why should I be obliged to get to know a child?!! I don't want to be friends with a child!! Just like I don't want to be friends with. My friends mom or DH I want to be friends with my friend!

And I AM being accommodating as for the thousandth time I am going along with these family meets every time and quite frankly I've just had enough
maybe just talk to them (again if you have already, sorry it’s so late and my mind is mush, work was tough today). (Sorry I’m not much help!) or say you’d love to go (insert name of place kids cannot go eg a spa day). Hugs op this is a tough thread and a tough question with tough and yet no real answers. Mums are selfish, some might say we have to be, we probably don’t yet are. I’m over invested in my kids but I don’t mind that I am but I do know I’ve lost friends but then they’ve had kids and we’ve come back together which is no help to you. Sorry I’m no help but I do hope it works out x

i’m so sorry but you won’t understand because you are not a mum. To be honest its hard. Like me for example, my kids 2 yo dont wanna be with anyone else so its hard time leave him alone. OP is perfectly capable of understanding she isn't her friends priority, that they have osmeoen they love more than life itself and that sometimes shit happens. You don't need to have had a child for that. And my 2 yo would pick my company over anyone else's but I understand its important for us all to not obey his every toddler demand.

Most mum prefer to be friended with another mum because they will understand each other and the kids can play too. you don't need to have had a child to understand issues face I ntheir life. Lots of none Mom's are also perfectly capable of empathy. It seems in here that many Mom's are the oejs incapable of empathy and understanding.

This! For me, this is the most sense I’ve read on this post for a long time! Thanks for sharing this reasoned and measured argument putting both sides forward.

This! This is the measured, reasonable response I tried referring to in my other post!! Thank you for showing both sides.

I have found single parents tend to be far better at maintaining friendships, in spite of not having a partner at home who can babysit.
MN is full of mothers with partners who go out cycling or some other hobby for hours every week, but the mother can not manage a social occasion without children once every three months.

It's interesting how many people are suggesting OP shouldn't drop her friends just in case she needs them at some point in the future, when the friends are the ones who don't seem to be putting any effort into maintaining the relationship. Is the idea that mothers can let their friendships with childfree women slide for years, and as soon as they have a crisis or their kids no longer need them as much we'll have nothing better to do than be there waiting to be slotted back into their lives? Because some people on this thread might be in for a shock in their future if that's what they think.

@NRRK28 so op just has to wait until her friends want her again? No. This is why peoples friendships die when you have a baby. You can't expect people to be ecstatic that you've now decided you can cope with having friends again

I actually don't get the problem, although my two are teens now.

Of my circle of really close friends, two are childless but in relationships, one is single with twins, one is single now with one DS, one is now single with one DD and just one is like me: married with two DCs.

We are not a group who do stuff together, but I see them separately. Although I have two children, I've always really liked them for who they are, regardless of children or not. Simples!

This thread was such a depressing read. I’m shocked by the number of female martyrs that can’t carve out time for a child-free coffee or lunch with a friend because every single spare minute must be spent with kids. Have you all partnered up with such useless men that this is necessary? Like, you literally can’t be away from your kids for a few hours? The mind boggles. This can’t be healthy for the kids.

OP - I’m a mother with a really pressurised full time job. I spend loads of quality time with my daughter. I also go out frequently with friends in the afternoons/evenings/whenever without taking my daughter along because I want to speak to adults about adult topics. My husband is a competent human being who can cover everything without me. I do the same for him, so he can see his friends and pursue hobbies. It’s really not that difficult. Your friends sound like narrow-minded dicks and I think you should upgrade immediately. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this nonsense.

I can relate to this. I've been in a tight friendship group for 30+ years and am the only one without kids. All our meetups take place in places like parks and soft play and need fit around various kids activity commitments like karate and swimming lessons. I do enjoy seeing my friends children but haven't met up my friends alone for years. It all came to a head last time we met up. We went to a child friendly restaurant but had to decamp to a playground partway through the meal as kids were getting bored.

I was trying to talk to them about a close family member who had received an unexpected terminal diagnosis and my friends were completely distracted by the children and I didn't feel they were interested at all. A couple of them mentioned their husbands were at home so I don't know why they couldn't have just left the kids with them. I just found it very sad and it is probably slightly influenced by the fact I would love to have my own children and feel very left out.

This thread was such a depressing read. I’m shocked by the number of female martyrs that can’t carve out time for a child-free coffee or lunch with a friend because every single spare minute must be spent with kids. Have you all partnered up with such useless men that this is necessary? Like, you literally can’t be away from your kids for a few hours? The mind boggles. This can’t be healthy for the kids.
ive a ft job but even before that it was nothing to do with dh, just more about the kids knowing I was there. Different people think differently, I always say I remember my parents being surprised that their friends couldn’t wait to have the kids grown up and out so they could start going on holidays etc without them. Both my mum and dad couldn’t get their head around it. I think I was cut from that cloth, I just like being there both with them and for them. It doesn’t make you a martyr and it has nothing to do with partners, he’s there too, I just like that if the kids go looking I’m there. But I would still meet up with friends if I could (we live very far away from each other, they all live in or close to Dublin I live in the country and money generally puts a spanner in)

@TheYellowStudio I think if the OP's old friends wanted to meet up, they would, it's not about having useless partners. That's why I personally think the OP should find new friends.

YBVU. Just because you don't like hanging out with children doesn't mean that their mums don't like it either. May be the cancellations is not them being flaky but one way of them saying that your attitude sucks.
You came on a forum for mums to complain about your friends with kids and now are getting upset that you are not getting the response you wanted. Most of the mums complain about motherhood being hard but everyone vents, doesn't meant that they don't love their children or want to be away from them. You want to meet them on weekends? That might be their family time and you are low on their priority. Yes friends are important but they come and go. Partners and children are a big and important part of a person's life and they take priority over friendship. You don't want to meet them? Go on, find other friends with them same interests as you. Seems like you already have been dropped by your mum friends anyway.

Oh wow, you're getting such a hard time here! I think some posters are being very unfair.

I do struggle with child free meet ups because my husband works most weekends, but I do still make an effort. If a good friend wanted to go for a child free lunch once every couple of months, I would figure something out. If my husband was working I'd get a babysitter.

I also wouldn't cancel on a friend last minute just because my child is napping for longer than usual. I'd probably just wake them up.

The exception to all of this is when you have a brand new baby - then all the rules go out the window, of course, and you really do struggle to commit to anything concrete and you probably can't leave them with someone else. But this is only for a short time. Babies grow up fast.

Your friends sound like they aren't making much of an effort with you, so I don't think you should make such an effort with them. Maybe you will see more of each other when their kids are older, or maybe it will fizzle out. Find people who value your friendship.