To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

@SusanStoHelitsPoker

youre saying you can never go out on a Saturday afternoon with your pals when you have a family basically

I never got that ‘how to be a good mum’ memo

I do go out on a Saturday afternoon with my pals for cocktails pretty regularly whilst the kids are with their dad

what do you make of that?

Where exactly have I been aggressive? I suggest you look at some of the crap posters have aimed at me and then you might see why I'm getting slightly irritated

@855fg678 Or maybe if you did not have children you would have gone with DP to visit his dad in the hospital?

The amount of last second cancellations has to be my biggest bug bear, especially when I have got time off work especially or had to re arrnage my life just so I can meet up with them and then they text last minute to cancel, wouldn't mind if it was just the oncer, but it's multiple times, it's not on
I was once walking out the door to meet friends and my son vomited. He said ‘Mammy, I feel sick’, with vomit all over him. I’ve also had a child with diarrhoea and another fall on his face. It all sounds ridiculous but it actually happens. (To me anyway!) When you were young would your mum have said ‘sorry but I’m on my way out for drinks with the girls, daddy will look after you?’ It is honestly like a curse, dh always says it-here we go, somethings going to happen!

Most parents would love an afternoon child free. It's generally not a possibility. And if it was... most of us wouldn't be wasting it in a coffee shop or catching up. honestly, if you consider spending time with your friend as a waste of time, just be honest and tell them you don't want to be friends any more.

@Macaroni1924 it is intrusive. Sorry I know you seem like you're being polite but this thread is nothing to do with fertility or want/not want for children.

It sounds like they don't really want to be friends with you either OP. Just leave them be.

They probably save their precious childfree time for people that like them.

@LuckySantangelo35 I say, best of luck to you! I think also because my DS is autistic I might have differences in terms of rigid weekend routines, so I'm sorry if I've upset anyone. Also I'd fall asleep if I drank in the afternoons! I'd rather get DS into bed and pop out for cocktails with friends knowing DH is looking after him. Babysitters are tricky due to sen.

@Hadjab

how is she being aggressive?

OP, listen to yourself.

You are so unbelievably rude. You posted on here looking for explanations. You got them. Why are you being so cheeky to other posters who are putting forward very valid points?

You’re talking down to people and being really quite condescending when posters are just trying to engage with your post- there isn’t a need.

I haven’t posted on this thread yet, but my take on it is simply that you don’t bring enough to the table which would justify them sorting childcare or abandoning other plans to see you. I have two toddlers, and I simply don’t have the time to see people who I don’t consider close friends. I make exceptions for the odd work night out but everyone else takes a backseat.

I think it would be wise to try and make new friends with more like minded people, for everyone’s sake. Let your mum friends continue on with what they’ve decided works for them, and find friends who don’t have kids as they will be much more interested in what you want to do on your days off. You can still chat to your “old” friends through text and calls, but maybe if you take the pressure off meeting, they’ll be more inclined to try to arrange something when the time is right. If they don’t, then surely it’s better knowing sooner rather than later that the friendship has expired?

You can’t force people to behave in a way which you believe they should. You need to accept that and grow up a little bit. You do come across quite juvenile on this thread.

@stayathomer

i would say that exact thing to my dc yes

just in the same way that a man would if he had long standing plans with his mates

kids get stomach bugs all the time, it’s no big deal

Why are you being so patronising?You don't know the op or her frame of mind.You don't know if she is desperately lonely,you don't know if she is at the end of her tether. Everyone is piling on her when it seems she has tried everything. Words can be as dangerous as weapons!

I

Apologies it was not meant to be unkind. After my initial post I realised a lot of what u said rang true of my journey and it was just that if that was the reason I could sympathise with you. As per my previous post I do understand why this is frustrating for you and suggest you talk to your friends about how you are feeling.

Nonsense.
I had a kid with complex medical needs and then twins. I'm perfectly capable of checking my calendar then text me kg my friend and saying can you meet in X date.

Yes a few parents struggle to function in daily life but it isn't the vast majority.
If you can book a hair appt you can book a friends appt

You said it was unnerving that there were people here who weren't mothers. I don't think you get to then be upset when someone points out that some people using this board are mothers, some people still hope to be mothers, some people used to hope to be able to be mothers, and others have decided not to have children. And all of them are valid.

I believe the other poster was suggesting that if you found it so unnerving that some people on the board weren't mothers, then perhaps you should go to take to the women who are so desperate to be mothers but are struggling, and see if you're brave enough to say that there.

The contempt that so many people on this thread seem to have for women without children is astonishing. From saying they don't deserve empathy to saying that their very presence on an open internet forum is unnerving... it's astonishingly cruel and narrow-minded.

When you were young would your mum have said ‘sorry but I’m on my way out for drinks with the girls, daddy will look after you?’ It is honestly like a curse, dh always says it-here we go, something's going to happen! would you expect DH to cancel drinks with the lads? Does it require two parents? Or just a superior female one? So is it OK to say that if you're in a lesbian couple?

@SheepingStandingUp please don't call my lived experience a nonsense. My son has complex needs too and I am forever grateful to the friends who've stuck by me.

Yeah it’s way too much. You’re not their only friend. If it’s every couple of months with you that’s loads of time to carve out child free. I’d only have managed this now once my youngest is mid primary age and my eldest teen can babysit at the drop of a hat for money.

When I had under fives I would manage about once a year per child free friend at the weekend. Bear in mind seeing other friends and other things they might want to do child free and that suddenly becomes a lot of time overall to carve out. It is a million times easier to meet with the kids. If they have met you even once a year with no kids yab massively u.

I’d keep an eye on this friend. Why is she leaving you out of these meets ups?

Your original post about non parents using the site is what prompted it so I’ll be having none of that ‘harsh and unfair’ nonsense. You were harsh, unfair and upsetting. Why did you make that comment if you were using this site before you were a parent yourself?

SEN has nothing to do with it so Lord only knows why you’re talking about SEN boards now in a silly attempt to recitfy what was a very ‘unnerving’ comment in the first place.

You are online yourself late into the evening declaring that people who don’t have children shouldn’t be here. I do have children so going on your comment, I’m allowed, but when it took me a couple of years to conceive her and would look at MN anyway, your comment would have really hurt.

I’m glad my comment made an impact on you, maybe you’ll be more sensitive both online and in real life in the future, you’re certainly sensitive to your own feelings about things. @SusanStoHelitsPoker

The nonsense is putting your lived experience into all these other mothers. If you were too zonked out to be able to text a date to a friend or have a basic chat about when you're both free, do you not recognise that that isn't typical and wasnt healthy. And it takes more head space to reply to incessant can yo udo this date, non can you do this date, no which is what happens when only op makes an effort than to say OK I can do this date or nothing til September

@elenacampana I was on the conception boards because I was trying to become a parent! It's not a silly attempt to do anything re my mentioning the sen boards, thank you very much, its my unpaid unthanked anonymous help to countless families on the MN sen boards who are all going through unbelievably difficult times trying to secure basic educational provision for their DC and nit knowing where they stand re protocols and case law.
Sorry if I upset you, of course people trying to conceive should be looking here, as can anyone so sorry. But actually sen has a lot to do with my MN and personal story,so don't assume otherwise thanks.

If you are going to sideline your friends as you sya don't expect them to be there when you suddenly decide you have time. You cant have it all.

You think childfree friends should just accept what 5, 10 or more years of being sidelined and then be grateful wheb your back...quite frankly I'd be saying fuck u im too busy for you.

Incredibly selfish expecting people to wait around so you can pick them up at your convenience

@SheepingStandingUp my point was that I was too zonked in the early years to think about orchestrating events with friends. I would of course have replied to texts.

Both my mum and I would have left as the children had a father who could deal with them.
I would be secretly pleased not to have to deal with vomit.