To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

After reading this thread it reaffirms why I'm not keen to meet up too!

As a working mother/father you are juggling constantly, and in my experience just want to be with the kids. I really do. I work because I have to. I work so that I can spend time with my children, enjoy them, and give them a good life, hopefully. I try to be a good a friend. I really do. I organise meet ups, phone, message etc. But if one of my friends resented my kids being there I would struggle to understand. As many have said, time is very limited and precious, and from now on, kids come first.

Your friends are probably lying to you… if this is your attitude I’d always bring my kid or make excuses about the kids bed times etc.

you are saying all these nasty things about your friends… because you are not the centre of their world.

one day you may (or may not, completely fine either way) choose to have children. And these friends will be the people you need in your life.

I’m sure you’re giving your friends the same vibe which is why they can’t be bothered to reply to you. Their kids are their pride and joy & being a mum is the biggest thing to happen to your friends…. & you’re moaning about a text back.

All my friends love to see me and my child equally, we come as a package and they love me for that. I often instigate doing things without my child, however if my friends had your stinking attitude I wouldn’t.

children are life changing and you clearly just want to be a little moany child because you’re not getting your own way. Be a good friend and take chances to see your friends whenever, even with kids.

Unnerving. I’ve bloody heard everything now. There’s an infertility board on here. It’d be a bit pointless creating one of those if only mums can use the site.

I’m not saying it’s right, and I can understand your frustration op, but as soon as I had a child, I cared far less about my friendships and focused more on my child and family.

It was still nice to see friends when I could, but not at the expense of family time and that meant that some friendships fell by the wayside and I gained new ones with mums in the same situation whom I had more in common with.

Ds is nearly a man now, but I still find friendships come way further down my priority list than spending time with family.

I couldn't agree more, it's best just to leave those friends who have young kids alone, once there kids get to their teens they will then start to wonder where you have gone and they would like ot make more effort and go out and do non kid things but by then it will be to late.
The amount of last second cancellations has to be my biggest bug bear, especially when I have got time off work especially or had to re arrnage my life just so I can meet up with them and then they text last minute to cancel, wouldn't mind if it was just the oncer, but it's multiple times, it's not on

“Children are life changing”

They really are; no two ways about it. If you’re not able to “get” that, move on from these friendships. You’ll all be more content.

I am sorry OP but your friends’ message is loud and clear. I think there will be relief on both sides if you let the former friendships go.

Just wondering, do you like/feel comfortable around children? Not everyone does. Genuine question 😊

No offence to you OP, but you and your time isn't their priority and never will be again. It's their children, and then their family, and then themselves. You will most likely always come after those things from now on

Do people think I'm an idiot? Why keep pointing out I come less on the priority list. It's ducking stupid .

My friends come less on my priority list to my family and DH too believe it or not! Does that mean I don't bother at all with them no it doesn't.

Please point something out I don't already know - it's like a defence mechanism used by 'us moms' to justify the shit behaviour

@TheRussianDoll not really o have neither a like or dislike toward them. Some more annoying than others

@WitchWithoutChips yes agree. As I've stated I'm not putting in effort anymore - I haven't been much lately but now I really am leaving it alone

honestly im a parent and even I am cringing at this thread

even when some people reply sympathetically to tbe OP they’re still typing paragraphs about their busy schedule “I got to work and then bath DC3 and then SDC1 ate a slug. Then I pissed myself because I just wanted to feel something! And my DH is a football coach so he’s busy. so how can you expect me to text back why are you so needy!!!!”

truly bewildering

The point is, it's not shit behaviour. It's just life. Stop acting like a spoilt little girl, it's not a good look.

hos Is she a “spoilt little brat” for being upset that her friends have basically fucked her off for 5 years

I had my son really young so he’s much older than many of my friends kids but I get treated as childless because I don’t do school runs anymore
yet we’re expected to buy christening gifts and go to soft play and listen to endless tales of snot in tbe bath
that is spoilt

I can understand why you feel the way you feel and if so I would speak to my friends about it. If you are close and they are good friends they should understand.

For me my child and husband are always my first people to spend time with. Between both working full time and school I cherish the time we have together. I had 7 years of ivf for my child and I want to enjoy all my time with her, I’m only going to get this once. I tend to attend events that involve kids and my closest friend who is single understands that on most occasions when we meet my dd will be there and tbh she openly invites/includes her. On a rare occasion possibly twice a year we meet up out without my daughter (sometimes we make the most of her being in bed too). I rarely go to nights out possibly a couple a year. My DH and I attend birthday parties/weddings or similar big events without her but that’s it. My closest friend regularly joins us on our family holidays for some of the time too.
Everyone has their own way of life and how they wish to spend it, maybe speaking to them will let you know what their thoughts are. Possibly they hadn’t realised how much this was affecting you or maybe like me they would rather have their child with them. The best way forward is to have an open discussion and see how the land lies before making any rash decision.

The not txting back is just plain rude, I can hand on heart say though that I have this from friends both who are and aren’t mothers. One in particular is not a mum and it’s always the work excuse 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would never say brat.

@SusanStoHelitsPoker

It’s not selfish to have a Saturday afternoon out with your pals child free every so often either is it

not does it mean your don’t prioritise your kids

p.s stop acting like women with kids are superior to child free women. Child free women can be on mumsnet all they want, they don’t need you to “wonder” with your faux wide eye

HTH

i think the responses on here would be different if, as is the case on mn sometimes, you were willing to meet up with the children or at your friends’ house. So many people asked how old are their children, but actually that doesn’t matter, at most ages kids will expect their parents to be around on a weekend afternoon, maybe you could call over and try to get involved and get to know their kids? I always arrange to meet my friends without the kids and the fallout is that we don’t meet very regularly By the way also if eg the kids get sick I do have to cancel on short notice as your mum would have had to when you were young. Hope it all works out op, I know it must be difficult but your friends are probably hating it too, as they want their friends but they want their kids too!!!

@stayathomer yea get you but why should I be obliged to get to know a child?!! I don't want to be friends with a child!! Just like I don't want to be friends with. My friends mom or DH I want to be friends with my friend!

And I AM being accommodating as for the thousandth time I am going along with these family meets every time and quite frankly I've just had enough

@LuckySantangelo35 I never said women with children were superior, don't patronise me. I also don't have faux wide eyes, thank you very much. Its not selfish to go out on Saturday afternoons but neither is it compatible with family life for many people. I hope that helps you.

OP if it’s not too intrusive is you not having children a choice or have you had difficulty conceiving. Not that either are anyones business, you will see from my previous post I had 7 years of ivf and during that time my friends with kids grated on me a lot. They had something I longed for and to listen to them go on about their kids or be around kids constantly could be quite upsetting sometimes. I found I withdrew from them for possibly some of the reasons you have mentioned.
Could be completely off the mark here so apologies if I am.

OP, why are you so aggressive?

@elenacampana that is really harsh and unfair. All the time I spent on the conception boards and now spend on the sen boards, I think a personal attack like that is really uncalled for. Hope you're happy with upsetting strangers in the late evening. BTW, it's not a playground, it's a support site for people who are having to deal with people like you irl.