Page 31 | To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

daysayso · 2022-07-12T07:47:38+00:00

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends. I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it. I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all. I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 22:36

Yes but dinner parties are more fun and you can socialise as a couple without trying to find a babysitter which we struggle with due to DS' sen

SoHereBesMe · 12/07/2022 22:36

I get it.

I've 3 children, and work part time. Life revolves around them and their needs.... school pick up, after school activities, birthday parties they have been invited, their social lives are much more than mine is.

But. I do like getting an evening away from them, with my friends, whether that's the ones with children, or the ones without. As others have said, for me, evenings are definitely easier for me.

I prepare dinner, then DH will come in and take over while I get changed and boot it out the door, before he does bedtime.

Some of my friends with children, don't seem to mind not getting out without them. Result is, I've not seen one of them in 3 years, one in over 5. I got fed up always being the one who drives to their house and made effort to keep in contact.
Dont get me wrong, I miss the friendship. One of these girls read at our wedding, the other I'd known for 20+ years. But I couldn't keep up with the constant I'm busy, or no communication til I got in touch and arranged to visit them. Mentally, I'm better not doing it.

It's sad but true, some people get married, have children and don't seem to want to keep old friendships going 😕

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 22:37

@SusanStoHelitsPoker do you socialise without your partner?

Dontcareforthehaters · 12/07/2022 22:38

You have choices. If this isn't working for you, then move on.

Tabbouleh · 12/07/2022 22:39

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 22:34

@antelopevalley yes he does and so do I, I'm not saying that I never go out without DC etc. But having kids totally changed my life in many deeper more profound ways and its not selfish to prioritise your kids. I can't help wonder too why so many childless women are on MN?

Because this isn't just a forum for discussing the deep profundity of children. Lots of discussions that have nothing to do with parenting

MiniPiccolo · 12/07/2022 22:40

daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:55

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I've never expected extravagant things like that with friends - we never used to go theatres or weekends away so I'm not even expecting that.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.

Most parents would love an afternoon child free. It's generally not a possibility. And if it was... most of us wouldn't be wasting it in a coffee shop or catching up. We'd be using it to recharge and for 3-4hours of genuine peace and quiet.

No offence to you OP, but you and your time isn't their priority and never will be again. It's their children, and then their family, and then themselves. You will most likely always come after those things from now on.

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 22:41

@antelopevalley yes I do, regularly!
@Tabbouleh genuine question, why though? It's called mumsnet, I wouldn't join a site unless I identified with its name? I find it interesting, not meant to offend anyone.

Original poster

daysayso · 12/07/2022 22:41

SexyLittleNosferatu · 12/07/2022 18:36

Is there some kind of a law that requires us mums to empathise with someone who has no idea what it is like being a mother

and this is just embarrassing. "Us mums". What the fuck are you on? 🤣

Us mums. You sound ridiculous.

OP posts:

MiniPiccolo · 12/07/2022 22:44

Tabbouleh · 12/07/2022 22:39

Because this isn't just a forum for discussing the deep profundity of children. Lots of discussions that have nothing to do with parenting

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No but as this thread clearly shows, your whole viewpoint and priorities change when you have children. So most of us who are parents will be responding to those non parenting based threads, from the perspective of a parent, in most instances.

It's similar to using facilities that aren't intended for your use. Fine once in a while, but why are you hanging around? It's quite unnerving how many non parents use this space tbh, given it's not intended for them.

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 22:45

MiniPiccolo · 12/07/2022 22:40

Most parents would love an afternoon child free. It's generally not a possibility. And if it was... most of us wouldn't be wasting it in a coffee shop or catching up. We'd be using it to recharge and for 3-4hours of genuine peace and quiet.

No offence to you OP, but you and your time isn't their priority and never will be again. It's their children, and then their family, and then themselves. You will most likely always come after those things from now on.

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Not all mothers feel that way.
You are allowed to see previous friends as unimportant. But any with any sense will disappear and get other friends instead. If you do not care about friends, you may not care.

MiniPiccolo · 12/07/2022 22:47

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 22:45

Not all mothers feel that way.
You are allowed to see previous friends as unimportant. But any with any sense will disappear and get other friends instead. If you do not care about friends, you may not care.

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Well you've answered OPs question quite succinctly there. Her friends don't care. Not hard to see why either, given her responses and shitpoor attitude.

Notonthestairs · 12/07/2022 22:47

"It's quite unnerving how many non parents use this space tbh, given it's not intended for them."

Unnerving? What drivel. You don't need children to comment on gardening, relationships, bereavement, politics, food, health, weather, philosophy and on and on.

Original poster

daysayso · 12/07/2022 22:50

Mirw · 12/07/2022 10:38

So dump all your friends. They are probably fed up with you too! But remember this. It is, your friends that rally round when you have a crisis, and if you have dumped your friends because they don't fit in with your life, when that crisis hits, you are on your own. If you don't know ehat that feels like try reading some of the threads on here about women who move to different countries when they get married and font have time to make friends, they are devastated when that crisis hits snd they are totally alone with just their DH for support. Stop being selfish and get over yourself.

So they can dump me because they don't fit into my life but I don't have the same right 🤣 screw you!

OP posts:

lilkiki · 12/07/2022 22:51

rainbowmilk · 12/07/2022 17:53

You’re only busy if you’re a mum. Others don’t have responsibilities or get tired - quite a few “you think YOU’RE exhausted???” comments on this thread alone.

Love how many of these people who can’t even have a wee or reply to a text have had time to make loads of comments on a MN thread though.

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So true

CounsellorTroi · 12/07/2022 22:51

MiniPiccolo · 12/07/2022 22:44

No but as this thread clearly shows, your whole viewpoint and priorities change when you have children. So most of us who are parents will be responding to those non parenting based threads, from the perspective of a parent, in most instances.

It's similar to using facilities that aren't intended for your use. Fine once in a while, but why are you hanging around? It's quite unnerving how many non parents use this space tbh, given it's not intended for them.

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There is a feminism board here. Do you think only mothers can be feminists?

Original poster

daysayso · 12/07/2022 22:52

SexyLittleNosferatu · 12/07/2022 11:28

Do you also ask your friends in wheelchairs to climb stairs and your recovering alcoholic friends to hang out in pubs?

Did you really just compare the lifestyle choice of having children, with being disabled? I'm embarrassed for you 😳

🫢 WTAF, your post is insulting

OP posts:

Nancydrawn · 12/07/2022 22:54

MiniPiccolo · 12/07/2022 22:44

No but as this thread clearly shows, your whole viewpoint and priorities change when you have children. So most of us who are parents will be responding to those non parenting based threads, from the perspective of a parent, in most instances.

It's similar to using facilities that aren't intended for your use. Fine once in a while, but why are you hanging around? It's quite unnerving how many non parents use this space tbh, given it's not intended for them.

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You seem easily unnerved.

lilkiki · 12/07/2022 22:55

Nancydrawn · 12/07/2022 18:33

@stayingpositiveifpossible lol.

You're right. The childless don't deserve compassion or empathy, because of course they are not fully realised people. They have no idea what it even is like to be a mother! Subhuman, really.

Ffs.

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yeah that was such a fucking horrible and smug comment from such a positive person no less

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 22:58

It is unnerving though. Its called mums net. Ffs.

855fg678 · 12/07/2022 22:58

Indeed, so tonight while tapping on this...I also put two kids to bed, sorted out dishwasher, washing, tidied up, talked to DH about his day, finished off some work emails and tried to figure out our next holidays. I also did reply to my friends. But I couldn't have gone out. Sadly, DH spent his evening travelling to see his dad at the hospital, which was a three hour round trip by public transport after work. So you know somebody had to be in for the kids. When I had no kids, I would have just chilled and watched a bit of telly, maybe gone out.

CounsellorTroi · 12/07/2022 23:00

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 22:58

It is unnerving though. Its called mums net. Ffs.

Why don’t you ask Mumsnet to ban non mothers then?

Notonthestairs · 12/07/2022 23:01

Why would it be unnerving?

lilkiki · 12/07/2022 23:04

LaughingCat · 12/07/2022 19:51

Oh my gawd. I read through your increasingly hysterical posts, OP, and really have to wonder at your attitude.

All of my friends that have kids, I fully understood that it would then become about them as a family. Our friendship evolved. I love the time I get to spend with them, with their kids, whether out or at their house. Heck, I am liable to interrupt our convo just to blurble at the baby or run after a squealing toddler.

It’s a stage of the friendship. Stick by them while you can’t be the centre of their universe and put their kids first instead. Then, when it does get a bit easier (Ha! Lulz. As if. Well, less full-on maybe), then things shift back to more timely text messages, more head capacity to listen to what’s going on with you etc.

Act like a sore baby now and you won’t have any friends left when they do get through it.

Hysterical? You calling her hysterical is actually hysterical
no she seems frustrated and fed up

whereeverilaymycat · 12/07/2022 23:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I have two small children and I don't think that gives me the right to treat my friends badly. Of course my priorities are different now. I don't see my child free friends as much as I used to. But I do see them and I reply to their messages and ask how they are and remember important stuff in their lives, because I care about them. I don't think a meet up once in a while in the evening or a weekend is asking too much. A couple of months ago we did a spa day, which was months in the planning and really gave us a chance to catch up properly.
Friendships require effort, but it shouldn't be hard work. It's simplistic to say 'get new friends' like you can go into a shop and buy them. However as you're at a bit of a crossroads with how to proceed, maybe start to put your efforts into new things and see what comes from it.

Dontcareforthehaters · 12/07/2022 23:06

Dear OP,
I can totally understand where you are coming from and it is a hard situation. Wanting a balanced friendship with your friends is a fair and reasonable expectation. I didn't have my first child until I hit 40, so I had spent a long time in the situation that you have described and I felt similar to how you feel. Something that I learned along way is that it's not personal, it really isn't and despite how it comes across, your friends are probably doing their best to maintain the friendship with you.
Ultimately, things change, people change and if these friendships really aren't working for you anymore, move on. Find some new interests and hopefully some other friends that are at a similar stage in their lives as you are. I wouldn't 'cease' the friendships but I would step back a bit, lower the expectations and hopefully, you can still have these people in your life but get your needs met elsewhere.