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Original poster

To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

1000 replies

daysayso · 12/07/2022 08:47

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 12/07/2022 21:43

rainbowmilk · 12/07/2022 21:25

@CounsellorTroi Agree, I’ve seen similar nonsense. Remember one thread where someone said she only has one wee a day and another who can’t respond to a single text in the same day. It’s competitive and utterly sad if true.

@rainbowmilk @CounsellorTroi

this may be myth or legend but I did once hear of a poster on here whose toddler would insist they sleep on the floor by their bed every night and one night rather than potentially disturb the precious darling to go to toilet she pissed into teddy

MynameisJune · 12/07/2022 21:43

Well I’d be your friend Op, my friend and I always plan things ha without the kids even though we all have kids!

How difficult is it really to get away for an hour or so on a Saturday afternoon whilst DH takes the kids to his parents or the park etc.

Yes it can be a while before we all get together, we all work as well as have 2+ kids each. But we also value each other and the friendship enough to make the time. I’d find new friends Op, I’m afraid these ones aren’t for you.

LizzieW1969 · 12/07/2022 21:44

855fg678 · 12/07/2022 21:26

@daysayso You are right. Men don't do that. They don't bring the kids along. But the reality is that a hell of a lot of men, including DH, my father, PIL and others have no friends.
A great many middle age men are only doing their job, family, and perhaps with one exercise session a week. They don't have social loves, their wives do.

Thats why a lot of older men do so badly in retirement because they had left all their friends behind and have no one else to fill their time with once work goes. Women actually tend to do much much better.

This is true of my DH, he has friends but he mostly doesn’t arrange to meet up with them. It’s me who likes to meet up with friends.

But on the rare occasions he has done so, it wouldn’t have occurred to him to take our DDs with him. So I do see the point being made.

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 21:45

I was too previous about naps probably, but that 2 hour stretch of time to yourself is do precious, I was a sahm at the time and the care aspect is intense when raising young children. Qlso kissed naps equalled a very hyper teary child!

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 21:50

fyn · 12/07/2022 17:53

I think once every two months is honestly quite a lot to expect someone to be available for you, child free with no complaints. We generally have lots planned at the weekend as a family. My husband is happy to parent alone whenever but sometimes at the weekend we both have things that we need to do child free like going for a hair cut and running errands. Equally my husband has things at the weekend he needs to do child free.

Its really easy for me to go for a coffee one week day afternoon though.

This is very difficult for anyone working full time. It means taking precious annual leave.

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 21:51

Sorry, trying to type and watch Netflix! Precious about naps and missed naps !

Original poster
daysayso · 12/07/2022 21:56

DPotter · 12/07/2022 10:52

You might think this strange but afternoons are probably more awkward than evenings. In the evenings the kids are asleep and dad can look after them at home. Evenings are for adults. Weekends are family time so I'm not surprised there are toddlers in tow.

Have you suggested an evening out - suggest it as an adult evening so no one is tempted to bring along the breast fed baby.
IME friends who bring the baby, will bring the toddler, the pre-schooler, the primary schooler and the grumpy teenager. Some people are just like that. So waiting doesn't necessarily pay off. Also had the reverse happen to me - someone who brought her child to everything for years, was very put out when I brought my baby along some 12 years later.

Ok, so this is another thing - if I'm the one that is flexible due to no kids why do I have to be the suggestive one? Why can't someone say - let's go out one evening?? Do some parents lack the ability to arrange things now?

Once again, it's all about Me making the effort.

OP posts:
rainbowmilk · 12/07/2022 22:02

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/07/2022 21:43

@rainbowmilk @CounsellorTroi

this may be myth or legend but I did once hear of a poster on here whose toddler would insist they sleep on the floor by their bed every night and one night rather than potentially disturb the precious darling to go to toilet she pissed into teddy

Show quote history

It’s what any mother would do!!!! 😆

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 22:03

Wow OP OK I take it back! You need to be suggesting options because your friends are literally zonked out with the rollercoaster of parenthood! Or just don't, and move on. What entitlement!

Tooshytoshine · 12/07/2022 22:05

Sorry OP, I can feel your frustration and you could be a childless friend of mine saying this a few years ago.

I was just really really tired and had no good chat. Saturday/Sunday afternoon was a constant struggle as we have family and friends with kids for our kids to play with, kids parties and life admin. We both work full time and a few hours of coffee drinking at a weekend would feel like another task rather than a treat...

I meet a few different childless friend for activities such as a mountain trek every few months, a gig or for another activity that I enjoy but can't do with kids- and don't feel like I have to be entertaining with my non existent wit and charm...

Mulberry974 · 12/07/2022 22:07

daysayso · 12/07/2022 21:56

Ok, so this is another thing - if I'm the one that is flexible due to no kids why do I have to be the suggestive one? Why can't someone say - let's go out one evening?? Do some parents lack the ability to arrange things now?

Once again, it's all about Me making the effort.

Show quote history

I think this is an issue where some people put so little effort in and then wonder why friendships die. OP you can only put in so much effort without feeling rejected.

855fg678 · 12/07/2022 22:07

@MynameisJune it's super easy to spend an hour ... in theory....in practice I live in London. To meet up with a non-local friend and realistically only mum friends are local because thats pretty much why we are friends - it will take me an hour to get to wherever we've designated as a meeting point and an hour back. My friend will be doing the same. I stay for an hour, great. That's still three hours minimum out of my weekend i.e. a taking a morning or afternoon off. Totally cool but I can only do that once a month.

What people don't get is that prior to having kids - I had five evenings a week plus two days (i.e. 4 half days) on the weekend for socialising. I was also younger, our parents didn't require care and running a house just involved throwing a couple of cups into a dishwasher. I had different sets of friends and was usually out three times a week. Now I have one evening per week and one half day per month that I spend on catching up with friends without DH or kids. The number of my friends hasnt changed. But I have gone from being able to socialise across 20 evenings per month to just 4 and 16 half days on a weekend - to 1.

I now have to spread the same number of friends across 5 potential slots versus 36 and that is why you dont see my friends without kids as often as they would like me to.

Charl881 · 12/07/2022 22:08

Because contacting friends to arrange a date / location to meet etc is just yet another thing to add to a very long to do list and then end of a very tiring day. That’s not to say that they should never do it. But I would guess you have slightly more free time than them and more mental capacity to make plans.

You said you’re drained. So are your friends with kids, on many many levels!

thesurrealist · 12/07/2022 22:10

*Just another stick to beat women with really isn't it.

I will add it to the list: must ensure to make time for childless friends or else you are a terrible example of womenhood and holding back women everywhere...*

So it's ok to bitch about childless women?
Guess if you're a woman without children you aren't a proper woman then.

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 22:17

LizzieW1969 · 12/07/2022 21:44

This is true of my DH, he has friends but he mostly doesn’t arrange to meet up with them. It’s me who likes to meet up with friends.

But on the rare occasions he has done so, it wouldn’t have occurred to him to take our DDs with him. So I do see the point being made.

Show quote history

Because friends matter.

Original poster
daysayso · 12/07/2022 22:19

I think you're confused about what you want. Your list of issues includes always having the kids in tow and that being draining, but you also don't like being left out of invitations with other mums? This doesn't make sense.

Yes it doesn't make sense because it's a really shitty thing to do to arrange kid meet ups but also expect someone to always put up with kids being present.

What I think is reasonable is to go for lunch with my mates once in a while without their bloody children and actually some of them don't even bother at all.

Honestly, thanks for the replies on this thread but it's really just helped me realise I don't want to have friendships like this.

I don't want to be friends with people that think parenting means they can be shift try and ignore you or be selfish expecting you to stay in their house and have takeaways all the time and if you don't you're a shit friend. I was happy to do that for the first year, couple of years but no more. Fuck that.

I've had extremely demanding things happening too (believe it or not there are more things that can take up and consumes one's life aside from Children!) but this thing about everyone having to be understanding to people with kids because that's the only thing in life that's can be all consuming is BS.

So, there's my input I'm withdrawing from those friendships I'm not going to stand for it

OP posts:
Tabbouleh · 12/07/2022 22:19

The reason why men don't take their DC along is because they have wives. Clearly doesn't work the other way around.

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 12/07/2022 22:23

thesurrealist · 12/07/2022 22:10

*Just another stick to beat women with really isn't it.

I will add it to the list: must ensure to make time for childless friends or else you are a terrible example of womenhood and holding back women everywhere...*

So it's ok to bitch about childless women?
Guess if you're a woman without children you aren't a proper woman then.

Where did I say that exactly?

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 22:27

No, nothing is more all consuming than having kids. I didn't get it either until I did. What's so wrong with going to someone's house for a takeaway or dinner party? I think you do need new friends but woe betide them if they have kids too! Children aren't just a 1 or 2 year deal! Grow up OP!

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 22:29

@sus does your partner go out without the kids to have a beer with friends or do a hobby?

elenacampana · 12/07/2022 22:30

crochetmonkey74 · 12/07/2022 21:28

It is not normal to just slump.on the sofa or not have time for your deodorant to dry.
The entire world has children, and has done for centuries. There is no way some of the hyperbole on here is true. First of all, you're posting on an Internet forum. You have time to do that. Also, if one of you started vomiting or having a bad stomach you would have time to stay in the bathroom and be ill. Or chat to a neighbour outside. Everyone is not continually rushing everywhere all the time. It's simply not true to say that. Also child free people on here are being treated like we don't understand what a child is.

100%!

I hate it when people say you can’t know the reality of kids until you have them… yes you can (speaking as a mother).

This thread really shows off how insane some parents can be about their kids. My kid is without a doubt my most precious thing and top priority, however, I value my friends too so I make the effort to see them without her. I like my space!

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 22:33

@sus@SusanStoHelitsPoker organising and hosting a dinner party takes more time than just going out for a drink for a few hours.

SusanStoHelitsPoker · 12/07/2022 22:34

@antelopevalley yes he does and so do I, I'm not saying that I never go out without DC etc. But having kids totally changed my life in many deeper more profound ways and its not selfish to prioritise your kids. I can't help wonder too why so many childless women are on MN?

LizzieW1969 · 12/07/2022 22:34

antelopevalley · 12/07/2022 22:17

Because friends matter.

Show quote history

I couldn’t agree more. As I said before, I love child free time. But it was very hard to make it happen when our DDs were babies and toddlers. It’s much more doable now they’re 13 and 10.

Louise0701 · 12/07/2022 22:35

@antelopevalley my DH does. Ours go to the football matches with him, the boys go to the pub to “watch the scores” / go on the play area (DD has no interest) and they go to the driving range together regularly with his friends and their DC.

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