To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

@855fg678 you are an exception - please don't pretend I'm not right when I say it's usually females that want to bring their children to every. Single. Event - even when it's clearly not appropriate.

Men generally do not do this. I've known many men over the years I've never seen it. Ever

I also have a full time job, hobbies, exercise, elderly disabled parents and PIL etc etc etc. Usual stuff in your 40s that all takes up time. This week we juggled two sets of strep throat i.e. kids both stayed at home, a major work deadline and FIL falling and ending up in hospital with MIL now too old to manage. I am going out for a drink with a friend tomorrow night. But you know, life is busy.

Do things you enjoy, develop hobbies and friendships outside kids, be kind to yourself and stop expecting these friends to call you 3 times a week or see you so often and you will feel happier . I can guarantee you those friendships will be better for it.

Who said I wanted calling three times a week? Ffs this thread is so frustrating the way people just make shit up.

Read my posts before commenting and exaggerating to make or yourself feel better

Just another stick to beat women with really isn't it.

I will add it to the list: must ensure to make time for childless friends or else you are a terrible example of womenhood and holding back women everywhere...

I remember on a thread about stick/roll on deodorants as opposed to sprays, people said they took too long to dry, and I’d said that by the time I’d brushed my teeth, put moisturiser on and a bit of body lotion my roll on was dry and I got replies of “how the hell do you find time to do all that, do you have children?” Talk about martyrdom.

You’re absolutely right OP

@CounsellorTroi

really?! How sad

complete mummy martyr- dom

They aren't your friends is my take.

Having kids doesn't stop you replying to messages. I'd prefer week nights to weekends purely because with activities and birthday parties they fly by but I think I can count on one hand the number of meet ups I've cancelled over the past 7 years of motherhood (and its mostly involved projectile vomiting). My friends with children are the same, even those with 4 plus kids. We make time for each other because we want to.

@CounsellorTroi Agree, I’ve seen similar nonsense. Remember one thread where someone said she only has one wee a day and another who can’t respond to a single text in the same day. It’s competitive and utterly sad if true.

@LookingThroughYourEyes thank you, I appreciate where your coming from and find your post respectful of where I'm coming from too.

I also think it's just that some people can deal with more mental load than others so can fit a childfree coffee in every couple of months.

And some people think friends are more important than others that's the bottom line.

@daysayso You are right. Men don't do that. They don't bring the kids along. But the reality is that a hell of a lot of men, including DH, my father, PIL and others have no friends.
A great many middle age men are only doing their job, family, and perhaps with one exercise session a week. They don't have social loves, their wives do.

Thats why a lot of older men do so badly in retirement because they had left all their friends behind and have no one else to fill their time with once work goes. Women actually tend to do much much better.

Thought provoking thread @daysayso. Sorry you've had such a tricky time trying to maintain the friendships. I actually found meeting up MUCH easier when my son was under 2 and would sit happily in a buggy! I love child free meet ups, and it gets on my nerves too when parents bring their kids to everything, but Sat afternoon would be a no as family time is important when your kids are at school and we both work etc. My DS is autistic too so we have very set weekend routines.
I'm in a book club where people keep bringing their littkeckids along to pubs etc and chatting about breastfeeding and sleep etc, and I'm like can we talk about the book.please?!!
However, it is the case that having kids is relentless, it is 24 7, and yes even showering when you're the only adult in the house is like a nerve wracking time bomb experience of what mayhem is being caused! Parents nerves are often shot, especially with strong willed kids! There is very little respite and it is gruelling tough but worth it all because we love them so much. That said, I'd always be up for a Sat night out talking about stuff other than kids 😄

It is not normal to just slump.on the sofa or not have time for your deodorant to dry.
The entire world has children, and has done for centuries. There is no way some of the hyperbole on here is true. First of all, you're posting on an Internet forum. You have time to do that. Also, if one of you started vomiting or having a bad stomach you would have time to stay in the bathroom and be ill. Or chat to a neighbour outside. Everyone is not continually rushing everywhere all the time. It's simply not true to say that. Also child free people on here are being treated like we don't understand what a child is.

Could you do something they could bring their kid along to OP (walk, park, pub garden etc.) Might be a solution.

Agree with this and it's a hurtful conclusion to come to but you're spot on - they clearly don't enjoy my company as much as they once did and I don't theirs.

I need to just move on

Reading this just makes me wish I had any friends left at all really. All seems to disappear.

I'd cease yours too

Exactimondo. Friendships and dynamics change thats life. Either adapt to it or move on. I agree with you 1000% can you imagine asking everyone you know for permission to have kids or get married / move / new job / holidays. 😆

I found childfree meet ups easier when I had one toddler DC, I could also time meet ups to coincide with their 2.5 hour nap in their buggy if I had to take them.

Fast forward five years and I have multiple DC’s with different clubs and activities which DH and I already divide and conquer for on Saturday mornings, afternoons and Sunday mornings.

Yanbu to feel upset, but tbh my weekends are full, I don’t have any time for coffees. Not sure what the answer is.. maybe less than perfect meet-ups occasionally until I can do more in later years.

Honestly if you are thinking of binning off a friend because you’ve not seen them in three months then you’re probably not that close with them anyway!

Say I have one weekend day a month to see friends. Imagine DH also has one. Then say we have two weekend days a month to see grandparents. That allows us four weekend days as a family. Not including the fact we both also do a sport so that takes up time. I can’t possibly see all my friends in that one day. Of course some weekends I’ll arrange more than that but I’ll want to include play dates etc in that. I don’t see my DC much in the week due to work so of course I’ll want to do family oriented things at the weekend. You might be better to try to for evenings, but bear in mind that if your friends have very young Dc then by the time they’ve finished work, spent some time with DC, caught up on a bit of housework, and done the bedtime battle, they might be a bit knackered.

I honestly think it goes in circles, I grew apart from some friends when they had kids and I didn’t. We’ve now got closer again now I have a DC and likewise I probably find it harder to see friends regularly who do not have kids if I cannot bring mine. But the key is I don’t abandon any of these friendships, we still speak (although many, MANY text messages are ignored or held answered) and when we see each other a couple of times a year it’s like nothing has changed.

By all means ditch your friends if you think their behaviour is unreasonable and if you need to see them more than once every couple of months. That’s completely your prerogative. But if you ever go on to have kids I just hope your friends are a little more understanding of you.

I do agree if someone never makes any effort and it's been years that the friendship has probably run its course (assuming you've tried to compromise to an extent to accommodate their new life etc.)

I’ve been on the receiving end of this treatment and what’s falling is I did my best - the dc were left with their dad, I purposely avoided discussing the dc as much as you can when you have young dc and that is the sun total of your life. Still got dropped. It rankles but I’m out the other side now and genuinely do have more time for friends. Those that stuck through those years are genuine life long friends. The other one it turns out wasn’t such a friend and the friendship will never be rekindled.

so the question to ask is how much these friends genuinely meant to you? If they mean a lot then keep plugging away but don’t build your life around them and invest in other friends. The friendship will eventually pick back up.

If you aren’t that bothered overall with the friendship then yes it’s probably in your internet to downgrade the friendship.

Also what happens if you find new friends and they have kids? Is your friendship conditional on them not having kids?!

I think for most parents who “complain” that they can’t do the things they used to do, they’re not wanting to have their cake and eat it, they’re just being wistful about their pre child lives. Everything is just more complicated when you are responsible for small human beings. You have to take them in to account at every turn. Life isn’t carefree any more, you can’t just please yourself and sometimes the extra thought and effort required to do things (with it without the children) starts for feel
it isn’t really worth it. It’s not entitlement, it’s just difficult sometimes. Like your friend with the napping child- maybe they hadn’t had enough sleep for weeks and just wanted to stare in to space whilst the baby slept for once, maybe they had a tonne of stuff to do and hadn’t been able to do it until the baby was asleep and they knew they only had that window, maybe they knew that if they woke the baby their whole
routine would be thrown off and lead to an unpleasant day and night for everyone. It sounds pathetic and I remember wondering what on earth my friend who’d just had a baby was going on about when she said how busy she was. Maybe it isn’t that hard for some people but it is for a lot. Priorities change. It’s not entitlement, it’s just parents rightly prioritising their children.

I also think some things get easier and some harder as DC grow up. When my DS was under 2, he went to sleep at 7pm and bedtimes were relatively easy. Now it's later and trickier but we can chat more about things and build it into routines. E.g. one night or afternoon a month, mummy is having time with friends. Even in my mum friends group, we try to leave the kids at home if we're going out somewhere nice to eat or something. So maybe it might change fir your friends too? I also have two uni friends, one with kids and one not, and we try to do a full day out somewhere once a year which works well.