To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

This is exactly my point. Neither OP or her friends are terrible people. Their lives and priorities are just at dramatically different places and it's time for her to move on in my opinion.

Yeah, and even if one party were definitively in the wrong, so what really? That's not how friendships work. Not all friendships are lifelong and that's ok. Nothing harsh about just moving on when there's nothing there any more.

Exactly. I no longer take it personally when my friendships move on. That's just life. If my friendship is no longer serving them as a person they are not required to stick around. Perhaps the threads of fate will pull us back together again later. If not I wish them well. That's just life. People come and go.

Sometimes friendships have breaks. I have a couple of child free friends who I barely saw when my kids were small. We were just in different places, doing different things but we’re old friends, we kept in touch and we see each other more now my children are older.

Some friendships fall by the wayside, it can go both ways, I was the first in a different group to have a baby and I was just gradually excluded. I tried to keep in touch initially but it became clear that they weren’t interested in my new boring life (I’m also pretty sure one of them was having fertility problems which probably had a lot to do with it) I let it go, we drifted apart. I’d say hello and have a chat and a catch up if I bumped in to them but I’d never contact them, we’re not really friends now. It happens sometimes.

So you probably have to decide which way it’s going. I’d suggest the ones who haven’t replied to a message in years are probably wondering why you text. The ones who always have a toddler in tow will not always have a toddler and if they’re staying in touch it’s probably worth keeping it ticking over until the children get less dependent. But I think that’s your call really.

I had my first baby last year and luckily am the last of my frienda geoup to have children.
I Was in a similar situ as you but I just had complete acceptance and understanding. Especially the no texting back. The random cancellation etc. It's fine.
I actually did the opposite to you. I had loads of mates years back single and juat wanted to socialise and i shifted hear and wanted to settle and get married. Soon after getting married they cut me out - i was silly and confronted them and all I got in retuem was jealousy and SAS.
They did me a favour so as fine by me. I wanted to spend as much time with Hubby and go on dates.

Now I have a Baby I totally get them my friends with kids. Some days I pick up my phone read a message - read recipet and my baby does something or tries to grab my phone then I totally forget to respond at all or for weeks!! Evenings are a NoNo for me as My baby still needs lots of help to get to sleep and he can wake randomly aaaand exclusively BF - May be for another 12 montha. And maybe by then I have another baby. My babies naps are still erratic nearly a year old. So some days we manage to do lots in the morning somedays things are better in the afternoon. Somedays are terrible and we stay in PJs just trying to get through to night 😆

It seems to me that you just need to distance yourself and make some single unmarried/uncoupled friends without kids to have a social life with.
You're not going to change your mates infact if you say anything I can guess they would flip their nut at you.

So you can simply carry on and accept any meetings even with kids always there OR
Distance yourself and see them once a year and then make a new friend group that is in a similar situ as you.

All the best

I feel like I could have wrote this myself. Lol.

It doesn't sound great OP. I have 2dc, 8 and 10, and equal number of friends with and without kids. I'm a good friend to them equally. I have maintained friendships well although I do not have as much time for friends any more, which is hard, and I acknowledge it's disappointing if you have a good friend whose lifestyle changes and yours doesn't.

I wouldn't invest too much time in these friends as they let you down, and regardless of kids, I wouldn't accept that.

Well yeah people make choices about their lives and it really isn't up to anyone else is it? No one is going to ask their friends permission before they have children on the off chance she is going to get a bit pissed off that theh can't go for a coffee once every two months are they?

Can you imagine "Oh right sorry I didn't know my decision to change my life by having children would affect you so much, I will just stay childless then"

I don’t even have children yet (currently pregnant) and I still wouldn’t have time to see my friends every weekend. DH and I (and the dogs!) are often doing our own thing, going off on our own adventures. It’s just what happens when people ‘settle down’. Family starts to take priority. My (single) friends totally get this and we get a date in the diaries well ahead to spend quality time together. I love my friends but I love spending time with DH more 🤷🏻‍♀️

TBH seeing someone once every two months isn't really a "friend" to me.

Strong friends should be able to survive these things and judging from most responses here friendship should be sustainable where friends don't meet apparently because they have small children so never get the time 🤷‍♀️

we definetly couldn't be friends

Yes me too, who said I want to see friends every weekend 🤷‍♀️ I certainly never said that anywhere on this thread - I don't want to see my friends every weekend either.

Believe it or not childfree people are also jot that desperate for company

@MixedCouple thank you and I agree with your advice

I’ve not read the full thread but:

• I’d love to meet up without my kid, unfortunately it’s just not always that easy. May I suggest you offer to pay for a babysitter if you’re that keen!
• cancelling last minute occasionally I very much understand but can understand why you get frustrated if it’s frequently, what are their reasons
• If a child is still napping then they’re probably still quite young and therefore yes it is difficult to meet up with friends sometimes. I tend to try to arrange plans pre or post nap time which is fine because he only has one but would have been more difficult when younger. They have scheduled nap times at nursery…
• Have you said you want to meet with the other mom friends? Do you know them personally? Would be a bit odd to invite you along if you don’t know them but if you do and you’re excluded because you don’t have a child then yes I agree that’s unfair.
• If they can text back even half the time I think they’re doing well to be honest

I said before OP that I get it, but this is a very long thread now so you could easily have missed it.

I have a baby myself, but don’t take her everywhere. Her dad is a capable parent too and can more than manage and I’m happy to leave him to get on with it, just like he is me. Having a baby doesn’t mean I enjoy exclusively kid focussed meet ups, no thanks. I distance myself from people who expect me to see their kids every time I see them.

@elenacampana yes I'm actually only just catching up on it I didn't realise it would many responses tbh

Perhaps I've struck a nerve with many over it.

I'm talkings truths anyway. Many parents, (not all but a lot) tend to often display an entitlement that blows my mind tbh. As I highlighted by many on the thread

No, but it doesn't make the OP selfish does it?

Now us selfish childless folks should be paying for our friends’ babysitters so that they can do us the favour of hanging out with us.

Most families I know have more money than I do!

@elenacampana exactly this. And What saddens me is the gender aspect of it. I have never, ever know a man in my LIFE to do this. Ever.

It's very sad because the world will keep on with the gender pay gap and everything else will continue when so many simply can't even go for coffee out of fear of I'm not sure what. The world ending perhaps.

Sorry for my rage now but some of these posts have just frustrated me and I find the thread quite depressing actually.

I honestly think most parents want their cake and eat it. Want to spend every waking minute with DC and then moan they don't get me time but also WANT to spend every minute with DC.

Someone suggesting paying for a babysitter - clearly you didn't read the scenario I'm not talking about your situation I'm talking about my friends who have partners for bloody sake how many times do I have to say this.

I'm not talking about useless fathers or single parents - I'm talking about couples who are both 'involved'

And this is the thing the fact you can't meet a friend for coffee every three months is now cementing what I felt , the friendships aren't worth bothering with. That's the conclusion I've come to.

@stayingpositiveifpossible

”Mothers have the right to draw their boundaires like anyone else, in fact it is much more important that we do so. Don't be ridiculous.“

is it? Why? Why is it more important “us mum” draw their boundaries??

These also tend to be the types that struggle to retain their identity once the kids leave home because they fucked everyone and everything off in the process.

Good luck to them I say but I cba with it anymore, I'm done and will be distancing myself further from them (I've already started to do so anyway)

@daysayso but gender has nothing to do with this.DH goes out less than I do. We share the load and on his time off, he usually just slumps on the sofa.

What you don't seem to get is that if a parent only has one or max two afternoons a month to see a friend without their kid...........and I have a few friends.....I will only see you twice or three times a year. Because I also have to catch up with my other friends. However, if I could bring my kids along then it could happen once a month.

Thats the reality. You pick. It's no different for my DH.

”Mothers have the right to draw their boundaires like anyone else, in fact it is much more important that we do so. Don't be ridiculous.

This is why I'm struggling to continue these friendships I'm referring to in the thread. Exactly this. It's laughable really and just cementing everything I thought before posting