To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Surely meeting half way also applies to the friends in this case.

The Op has stated multiple times it's been 5 years.

Just because you weren't able to have much of a life outside of your child in the first year doesn't make this a universal trend. Or something that should be accepted. After 6 months there is little in your post that would mean with a supportive partner you couldn't get time to yourself, with or without friends.

Thanks love, really appreciate your comments (NOT)

Good job as I've said I know that being a single parent is a very good education in not giving a shit what some people think.

How the hell do you know what sort of mother I am? Do you know my kids?

Would like to say what I really think about your words here, but it is anglo-saxon expletives so won't bother.

Just DO ONE mate.

And by the way empathy can be directed at those who deserve it. i.e your kids but withheld from those who don't. I.e you and by all accounts the OP.

rainbowmilk · Today 14:05
For every "you don't know what it's like to have kids" and "you're not my only childless friend, your impact is cumulative"... there's a flip side.
I think parents often don't realise that what would be bearable in one friend becomes a logistical nightmare when they all do it. I had a month a few years ago where I'd booked train etc. to go to a day event with a friend who lived some distance away. She cancelled last minute as her child had lost its favourite toy the previous day and was still inconsolable. I was on the train when she texted me, 1 liner, no apology. Said I'd get it one day.
In the same month, two other parent friends cancelled trips out last minute because "I feel I need to be here for my child today".
All in all I wasted £160 on it, and no apologies. Apparently it was just what mums do and I should understand that.
I know people without children cancel plans, too, obviously - but not in circumstances like this and not so bleeding often!

Well put! There is a type of narcissism in some people, where all manners go out of the window when they have children. Not all, but many, and you re just supposed to accept this. It is like becoming a parent gives them permission to be totally selfish which is what this behaviour is. A child is inconsolable from the previous day - FFS. No wonder we have a generation of young people with no coping skills.

@stayingpositiveifpossible the OPs friends aren't single parents, they have supportive partners.

I'm not sure how or why so many on here are not only accepting but seem to be proud of how they have sacrificed themselves for their children, it's actually really sad.

How can children respect their parents if they don't respect themselves enough to carve out time to do things they enjoy.

Since my DS was 6 weeks old I've had 1 child free evening and 1 child free morning a week, more if need be for travel or weekends away with friends.

I don't expect my friends to accept a child changing the dynamic of our friendship, because I'd be entirely unreasonable for doing that.

Mum to a 10 week old and I agree with you OP. People are selfish.

Motherhood is exhausting but I am still a person, more than just a mother and my friends are important to me so I will make time for them, baby is fine to be left with DH or my parents. Yes on occasions I am so tired I rather stay home and rest, but you have to put yourself out there and nurture friendships.

Op I see your point but the dynamics change if you have more than 1 kid. Maybe the partner works so can not mind them. I found we had little babysit offers when we had 2 kids. So its not as simple to just head out.

So you genuinely think the people who are taking in an uneven friendship are reasonable, and the OP who has done everything these friends want for 5 years is unreasonable.

I think from this I can get a pretty good view on what type of person you are, let alone parent

I think there are somoe mothers on this thread who are enmeshed with their children and aren’t really good at being mothers basically.

Having a life thst entirely revolves arounds your children is a poor reflection on parenting skills and has a bad impact on kids.

that is very different to effectively fulfilling your role as a parent and making sure your child is looked after well - which is what the less clenched mothers on here who are able to maintain a separate identity from their children.

Oh my gawd. I read through your increasingly hysterical posts, OP, and really have to wonder at your attitude.

All of my friends that have kids, I fully understood that it would then become about them as a family. Our friendship evolved. I love the time I get to spend with them, with their kids, whether out or at their house. Heck, I am liable to interrupt our convo just to blurble at the baby or run after a squealing toddler.

It’s a stage of the friendship. Stick by them while you can’t be the centre of their universe and put their kids first instead. Then, when it does get a bit easier (Ha! Lulz. As if. Well, less full-on maybe), then things shift back to more timely text messages, more head capacity to listen to what’s going on with you etc.

Act like a sore baby now and you won’t have any friends left when they do get through it.

@Takingthepmaybe but thats not true. Most mothers on here have jobs and the whole point is they only get a couple of evenings in the evening and two days a week to see their kids. These are not mothers who spend 24/7 with their kids. It's the opposite, these are often people who have other things going on and kids slot in but if they spend their weekends chilling out with their friends then when will they see their kids or DH full stop

RTFT
she is not increasingly hysterical at all

I have a 2 year old, and she hasn't got in the way of me being a good friend. I've had numerous meet ups with friends both child free and not, with kids and not... It's me that's done a lot of the keeping up with those that haven't got kids actually, making way more effort (and this is to suggest meet ups without DD, or phone chats, a variety of stuff). I'd hate to be the cliché mum just wanting to talk about my kid all the time

It looks like everyone on the forum has made a comment on this post 🙈

I don’t have a five year old but I imagine it would be easier. If they’re still keeping her arms length at this point. Then it might not necessarily be about the kids at this point. They might be using their children as an excuse to avoid OP. I think there may be more to the story. But with a five year old you still can’t drop everything and run. They still need someone to watch them. If they can’t find a baby sitter then she will either have to accept the child is in tow or go visit. Make more childless friends.

However note I said she’s not being unreasonable? She shouldn’t be their friends if she feels like this.I don’t expect my childless friends to get it. Some of them have already moved on. She is in a different stage of her life. Might as well be in a different universe. I don't want to go to the club or bar. I'd rather stay at home and be with my family. That's just how it is. She should move on and make new friends. I certainly wouldn't want a friend who isn't understanding that I'm a mother and I have a responsibility. That's just how it is.

@855fg678 well I suppose that the way you’ve described it kinda makes my point - you can’t imagine fitting in anything other than kids or husband. There are other mothers on here who work and manage to have interests and activities outside their husband and children.

my view is that the women who can’t see anything outside their family unit aren’t brilliant mothers but are actually struggling because they’re not very good at being a mother. Part of which requires a healthy separation and a healthy sense of self.

a lot of women cloak their bad parenting as busyness or just caring so much and putting their children first.

(to be very clear this so not a personal attack on you as a mother! You may well be a fabulous mother!)

My sympathy for the OP has grown and grown over this thread - at first I felt that she portrayed things as so one-sided that she was surely exaggerating or being a bit unfair. But then the thread filled up with women who really do think the world should revolve around their children and that they couldn't possibly waste a minute of their precious time on a friend without children! So it seems they do exist and it is possible that the OP has the bad luck to be surrounded by them.
Totally. I'm stunned there are so many posters finding OP unreasonable for having had no childfree time with her adult friends in years and being sad and hurt about that. She's made allowances every single time, she's fitted into all their arrangements and has accepted that of course a lot of the time children come first. Shes asking that just sometimes the children don't come first. 100% a reasonable request.

There are some really, really bizarrely angry and patronising women on here.

I feel this way too. I was on the fence, and I still sympathise with those mums working long hours and with difficult babies/toddlers, but then more and more women came on here to say they haven't left their DC in 10 or even 20 years! And then a lot of women who appear to have a DH or DP problem. Honestly, if you can look after two DC, why can't your DH?

@Takingthepmaybe What do you mean. I have plenty of other things going on....the reality of my life is that I have a high professional full time job circa 50hrs per week, DH drops the kids off in the morning and I pick them up 5ish every evening and then have two hrs till its their bed time.

DH and I do a hobby a week so thats two evenings when I can't see friends. I also spend a couple of evenings catching up with my work. Maybe I can squeeze in one evening a week to catch up with a friend after work but usually not every week.

On the weekends, each of us has one morning or afternoon off but we also have to squeeze in two kids and their hobbies, two sets of grandparents, kids' aunts and uncles on both sides, time for exercise, occasionally a date night, plus seeing friends with their families, kids' friends.

So yes amidst all that - i might be able to catch up with a friend about once a month on a weekend without kids. But am in 40s, and have quite a few close friends. So I do see them but in practice not as often as they would like if they didn't also have families/patners/disable elderly parents.

Re the last two posts, this has been a somewhat validating experience for me as I’ve seen a LOT of these threads and the OP always gets a hammering. I don’t think a lot of people realise how awful women can be to childless women, and MN is particularly bad.

I remember once being called selfish on here for not wanting to work this Christmas, which would be my 8th in a row, for the benefit of the latest in a long line of relatively new mums. MN acted like I’d said I wanted to kidnap her baby. Just endlessly asking why I thought I was more important, why I couldn’t be flexible, why I couldn’t be kind, what did I expect her to do… blah blah blah.

Sometimes a person will do everything they can for years and it’s still not enough. It’s forever or they’re selfish.

YANBU to be upset but YABU to argue with everyone that is providing explanations and a point of view that is different to your own.

Do try to understand that a drink or catch up with you might just be a ‘rare occurrence’ for you but as parents, especially working parents, time with our children is so very short, the years fly by so quickly, and there are so many other things that you need to find childcare for or miss time with your child for - eg hospital appointments, weddings, milestone birthdays or even just a regular birthday event, work events etc… fortunately my ‘single’ friends have their own things to focus on and always tend to invite my child, though I do occasionally spend time alone with my friends. Probably only two or three times a year for a special occasion, which sounds ridiculous but honestly it is so hard to try and fit in the time for everything and not have a breakdown to be honest!

I think you've hit on a point here OP, of course their priorities come above anyone elses, that's what makes them priorities. That's the same for everyone, regardless of whether or not they're parents. The issue here seems to be that since having children their priorities have changed, and friendships come further down their order of priorities.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to be frustrated by this, but in order for you to come higher in their list of priorities, what you're asking is for them to deprioritise something else; time with their children, time as a family etc. Even if it's only occasional, you're asking them to make you more important than their children, and that's something many parents won't be able to do easily, naturally or regularly.

Five years in, honestly I'd just fuck it off. You're not compatible any longer.

I feel for you, and honestly, I’d love a child free Saturday afternoon or evening with my friends, but it’s just bloody hard, especially with younger children.

It sounds like you need a new circle of friends whose lifestyles are more in line with your own.