To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Not all people with children are like your friends OP. I went for a drinking night out with my friends every single week from when my children were tiny. We did this for years. You need new friends OP.

I definitely see my friends without kids at least once a month childfree but I have more than one friend. But I cant see them all once a month as that would be every minute of every sat and sun. So we go longer between meet ups. It's a phase but I absolutely do prioritise them as much as is possible.

I’m reading this with interest as very few of the posts have mentioned the OH/DP/DH as a viable option. I’m sorry but the demands of parenthood shouldn’t fall entirely on the mother, to the detriment of her own life. I absolutely understand people’s responses to OP but I also think OP is really getting it in the neck for simply wanting to meet friends without children in tow.

1. They’re breastfeeding so an afternoon/evening without their kid is literally impossible ?

This reminds me of my SIL who has a face on her when my DC are around. Apparently they get too much attention and she gets none when they are there.

She’s 50 🙄

I agree, I don’t know any fathers who isolate themselves to such a degree or only have “school dads” for friends. Mainly seems to be women giving up everything to live vicariously through their children.

YABU, time to build up your childless friendship groups

I can’t speak for anyone else but I’m exhausted. Working full time, clubs, home work, cooking, cleaning, life in general with kids just leaves me spent. I’m falling asleep in front of the TV by 8.30pm. That makes me a shit friend I suppose, if people want to drop me then I won’t hold it against them. I don’t have the headspace beyond getting through each day. It’s shit. Yes I have a DH who does his share but I’m still just eternally tired.

I remember feeling like this about my own friends, then I had a child and actually understood. Children basically almost always have to be the first consideration. That's just part of being a parent.
There is nothing at all inferior about being a childfree woman, or any other such small minded judgement, and I would 100% agree that not replying to texts and cancelling last minute is very rude. But I still think it's hard to understand the practically and emotionally all-absorbing overwhelming nature of parenthood if you aren't one.

If you find it draining, just think what the parents are going through! If you are child-free, the mums may well look at you and think "it's all right for you..." because you don't have to juggle childcare, nursery, sleepless nights, etc, etc. Everyone has life choices. You don't need to depend on other people to enjoy doing something; some things you can do on your own. Children do grow up! Perhaps attend some classes where you are interested in the topic for its own sake (these could be online classes). You say it's boring sitting in someone's house every time you meet -- what would you like to do? You may feel that some of your friendships have reached an end point because you consider you no longer have anything in common (it does happen). YABU if you expect a mum to put you as a higher priority than her child(ren).

Yes, the OP is hard work for always meeting up with her friends who refuse to leave the kids at home once in 5 years.

So unreasonable to want a more equal relationship where effort goes both ways.

You are staggeringly unrealistic. Kids just come first ,second and third with the parents. Parenting under 5s is all consuming. If your friend gets a few minutes she might prefer to spend it with her DP, or a close relative who is missing out on her time. Friends should expect to be sidelined - a lot. Some kids get ill a lot, some kids have difficulties settling, some are nervous and clingy and not everyone has a reliable baby sitter. Cancelling at short notice is likely.

When mine were tiny I hardly saw anyone but my parents and siblings for about 10 years. I just could not cope. My childless friends who stayed the course with me arranged family friendly treats so we could see them at the same time - picnics or whatever - this when the kids were a bit older. I have seen my best friend with the kids just once in over 15 years.

By all means make new friends to fill the gap in your own life but your old friends have done nothing wrong, nothing at all.

A few of my friends have children. They are usually very excited for a child free day or weekend. They don't happen that often, maybe every 2 months?

Unless in circumstances where they had 0 access to childcare, the child had an illness or something, I would feel they are inconsiderate if they couldn't have one child free adult day every now and then, especially since I was very attentive through their pregnancies and in their child's lives. Luckily its not an issue as they value friendships, and non of them have adhered to this making yourself far more busy than necessary martyr who's too busy to possibly even consider replying to a text or brushing their hair type.

We do move on from friendships. It sounds like you’re resentful of their change of circumstance. The children will come first. That’s how it is.

I always had mine in tow because my husband worked away a lot and I lived far away from family. I lost touch with some old friends and met other mums at playgroups etc.

I think, busy yourself with other things because it’s not likely to change.

I would love to organise child free catch ups but with a young baby thats not possible at the moment. I suppose it depends why they are cancelling last minute if one of the children is sick then perfectly acceptable.

Any child free time is a major treat for me it happens only a few times a year as we dont have any support nearby and DH does take them but it's knackering as it would be for me having both alone.

I don't get why they don't arrange for evenings after bedtime though we try to do that individually every few months.

Maybe find some child free friends?

I am a parent and I've never used 'bedtime' as a reason not to go out apart from a)during breastfeeding b) when DH is away (ie no childcare option). I think it is a really poor excuse and it annoyed me when friends used it on me. So there is some truth in your frustration OP. I also dislike meets with kids as tbh I want to talk/enjoy time with my friends not their kids (unless it is clearly a play date type set up). I think it is reasonable to say to your friends you'd really like to meet just with them for quality social time. This can help encourage a mum (or a mum plus dad if you a friends with the couple) to prioritise social time without kids, which all to often I see them neglect to do.

@stayingpositiveifpossible goodness me, so much to unpick.

No law, but lacking in empathy usually doesn't make you a very good mother, neither does not being able to read properly so you're two for two here.

The OP has being doing things that her friends want and she doesn't want for 5 years. 5 years, of child friendly focused activities, children coming to every event and catch up, soft play over a nice meal. Her friends are the unreasonable ones here for perpetuating a one sided friendship and giving nothing back.

If you can't get one child free evening when with a partner for 5 years you are doing something very wrong.

I can't imagine you have many friends by the way you post on here tbh

Since becoming a mum I am mainly trained with other mums because they just get how life is with small kids. I do have some lively friends without children but these have definitely reduced over time.

It's fine with me

This thread! My DC came first with me, but not second or third. I would go stark raving mad if I saw no one for 10 years except my parents and siblings. I am a parent of two with ZERO family help- because my family is overseas- and I STILL don't recognise the all consuming model of motherhood on this thread. NO men do that shit.

I had childfree friends when my DC were small and I am glad to have kept them now that my DC are grown up. I would fucking hate to only hang out with other parents.

You’re “burned out, exhausted by it”? Really @daysayso?

Do you ignore your SIL when your DC are there?

As someone with a one year old I would say you’re not being unreasonable to no longer be friends but you have no right to be angry with them. You are their friends not their child. The child is a 24/7 commitment. When I had my daughter by choice with a supportive husband I knew and expected it to take over my life. The first year she required CONSTANT care. I had to feed her every 2 to 3 hours. The baby did not sleep in her crib until she was six months. That means either myself or my husband had to be holding her for her to sleep. so one or both of us where constantly sleep deprived. Because I was breastfeeding the sole responsibility of feeding her was on my shoulders.

I didn’t even have time for my own personal hobbies let alone my friends. I know you said you expected the cliche saying that it is a huge life change. But it IS a huge life change. There is no way to explain what a huge life change it is to a childless person. It’s not that I think childless people are unsympathetic. It’s just I personally did not understand until I lived it. And therefore I cannot reasonable expect a childless person to understand until they have lived through it. And I had done plenty of research. I knew on paper what my baby needed. But alas babies are individuals just as adults are. And they have individual needs that you can never possibly predict. So it was a huge adjustment. The responsibility hit me very hard. All that research and knowledge of child development did not save me from the lived reality of being a mother.

When I had free time I was busy catching up on my bare minimum personal needs such as sleeping, cleaning and eating. I was not thinking about hanging out with friends for the first year solid.

This is why there is often a rift that appears between people with and without children unless they are family. If you want to be friends you’re going to have to meet them halfway or except that it’s not going to work and cut ties.

It is funny how individuals make choices that change the dynamic of relationships and then call you selfish for struggling with it.

"I am not going to make time to see you any more, nor am I going to bother replying to your texts. Deal with it."

You say it is draining, not enjoyable and you can't be bothered anymore so don't, simple. Wanting to meet every 2 months on a Saturday afternoon without their children is actually a big ask in my opinion. They have other friends too, likely ageing parents, other commitments, the need to arrange childcare as they are not welcome etc. It is actually a big ask. When you have a very young child you are literally a full-time carer, throw in running a household, juggling work, trying to am so be a daughter, grandaughter, wife...
Your friends are also likely sleep deprived (it's not just the first year, it's often ongoing for many years) that will be why they forget to reply to your texts at times and likely other people's texts too. I think your friends are physically unable to give you the level of commitment you would like and you are not happy with that and therefore yes I wouldn't bother any more as it's draining for you as you said.

Total bullshit.
That was how it was for you, but NOT for me.
I don’t need to read books and blogs to believe it- I have lived and experienced it because I have 3 children. And yes. It was like a bomb going off. Actually the books made me calm. Reassured me and gave me confidence when pregnant that all would be easy breezy.
I was most worried about actually giving birth.
That was a total walk in the park compared to my new baby who wouldn’t put on weight, and wouldn’t sleep more than 1/2 hr at a time. from day 2.
Like MANY women who post on mumsnet, it was an absolute shock to the core. I yearned for my old life. I cried and worried and panicked. I was so sleep deprived beyond belief and lost 3 of the 4 stone I gained in pregnancy within the first 6 weeks post partum because stress made me not want to eat. So yes. It was and probably always will be the biggest life change I’ve will ever have.
So No I didn’t feel like ‘popping a bag together’ and hopping off to wherever. I needed months to adjust. I needed quiet. I needed support.
Then came pregnancy number 2 which was unexpected twins. 3 kids under 3. Another atomic bomb and quite honestly how I coped with 2 babies at the same time I just don’t know but it’s enough to test every fibre of your being.
3 very young kids and someone is crying ALL THE TIME.
Leaving them all with DH I did do for short periods but it’s challenging because he is not used to dealing with 3 young kids as he’s at work for 12 hours a day 5 days a week. He hasn’t adapted like I had. No family to help either and quite honestly it would take someone fairly brave to take on two babies and a 2 year old.
Yes, it’s like an atomic bomb going off for many women and how dare you trivialise what is an extremely hard time for many.