To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

I don't think you are in the wrong OP but I don't think your friends are either. By the time Saturday afternoon rolls around I have done a full week of work, after school clubs and then saturday morning clubs. I've done numerous dog walks, never ending homework, played Barbie for endless hours, listened to two DC complain about everything under the sun and cleaned up my kitchen for a billion times that week. And that's with a DH who more than pulls his weight.

I honestly have very little to give anyone else, especially since I am well aware that all I can talk about is either work (boring) or my DC (even more boring).

Maybe it will get better as your friends DC get older but the fact is their children are their priority and nothing you do or say will change that. Perhaps best to cut them off.

So dump all your friends. They are probably fed up with you too! But remember this. It is, your friends that rally round when you have a crisis, and if you have dumped your friends because they don't fit in with your life, when that crisis hits, you are on your own.

Equally true of those who can’t be bothered with their childfree friends once they become mothers, I would have thought.

Nobody, I mean nobody has suggested meeting every second Saturday with friends and with no children.
And using the words growing out of suggests having friends is childish.

@Nanananananana99 rich to complain about being an unfriendly society when your comments to the OP are pretty vile.

I think this post is closest to the truth. They simply do not want to meet up with you. If they did they would prioritise and find the time.
OP find people who value friends.
This is the mother equivalent of friends who when you are young dump you as soon as the next boyfriend comes along.

This. It is shocking sometimes to read the utter disdain that some mothers have for childfree women.

You are quick to shout about women supporting women, but obviously it only means one way....yours.

Well, I'm sorry, but life doesn't work like that and after years of being patronised, pitied, ignored, treated as second best and told we have no idea, no responsibilities blah blah blah, then the OP and other childfree women are saying no. It can't always be a one way friendship.

At the age of nearly 50, I have no tolerance for people who only want a friendship on their terms. I have a full on, full time demanding job that takes up a lot of time - long hours and on call for 2 weekends a month. I have an elderly father who needs support. I have limited time and, as I near 50, limited energy and tolerance for bullshit.

Luckily I, way past the stage where friends were having babies and no, I didn't wait around for them to deign to want to spend time with me.

🙄🙄my apologies for voicing an opinion. Yes I have read OP’s posts. I’m suggesting getting some things in the diary in advance, ok if her friends have said a total blanket no but it just sounds like when she suggests things they bat her away with excuses. I find it hard to believe if they really want to meet up with her that they couldn’t get their diaries out and find a date months in advance. But maybe this is genuinely the situation. Who knows. If it is then I think they probably don’t want to meet up at all and she should move on.

Sorry, but I for one, reading OP's post gradually have no empathy left for her at all.

As a mum (which I don't apologise for, as RAISING kids is a huge achievement!) I would find the OP utterly exhausting, needy and would rather do a million and one things with my free time than spend time with her!

No wonder there is a mismatch.

My best friend and I have 2 kids each, of similar ages and we still don't see each other that often, once you factor in work, nursery, family, etc.

My oldest naps like clockwork and has for a while, but the baby is a law unto herself and if DH has plans so is unavailable, sometimes cancellations happen at the last minute. My oldest only goes to nursery in the morning so that is unaffected by her nap time.

Re texts: I quite often read a text and go to reply but have to see to the baby or see to the toddler or go for a wee before I make a bottle before the baby wakes up and then I forget all about it! Luckily for me that my friends (both parents and non parents) are understanding about it. If it's urgent, they send a reminder.

It sounds like you don't really see that children are their priority or you don't like that you are not their priority...

Just today I'm in the middle of making arrangements with 2 friends, 1 the above friend and another who has 2 much older teens. We've ended up arranging a picnic in my back garden as it means the kids will be happy and play (go wild), we can chat while we all keep an eye on them.

No empathy for someone who has bent over backwards for her friends for 5 years and they can't even spare an evening without the kids. In 5 years?

Gosh

@Nanananananana99
If you do one thing as a parent you usually have to sacrifice another activity eg sleep, or eat, or wash hair. Yes it’s easy enough to jump in the shower but so I then spend the day with wet hair looking like a state because a baby is sleeping or doesn’t enjoy the noice of the hair dryer or just cry’s every second you are out of the room.

Contraversial opinion: Tough if your baby doesn't like the hairdryer or you leaving the room. They have to learn that sometimes things happen they might not like and they learn to cope with it.
Honestly if you are walking around with wet hair because your baby doesn't like the hairdryer you must be crazy.
Not having time to eat and sleep is of your own making. How absolutely stupid that this is now considered good parenting and being an utterly disorganised slave to your baby is regarded as desirable.

I don't think you are in the wrong OP but I think your friends are either. By the time Saturday afternoon rolls around I have done a full week of work, after school clubs and then saturday morning clubs. I've done numerous dog walks, never ending homework, played Barbie for endless hours, listened to two DC complain about everything under the sun and cleaned up my kitchen for a billion times that week. And that's with a DH who more than pulls his weight.

This, as it happens I am going out on Saturday DCs are 18 and 15. For years Saturday was the only night I got to chill with DH (we both worked all week) without worrying about getting stuff ready for school and work. For years DS had football on Sunday mornings, I also like to do a longer run at the weekend. There is endless laundry, the supermarket shop, children's parties. "pure leisure" was hard to justify particularly in the daytime. Perhaps they'd be up for a coffee in sainsburys after the shop? I had a running buddy who I met at 7am on a Sunday so we could get a few miles in before children's actvities-would you be happy do that ? A coffee or lunch is only relaxing if you aren't thinking of the 300 tasks left undone at home.

Just find new friends, OP. Ones that don't want children. It would probably be easier for you (and your existing ones).

People change and sometimes they grow apart. I think it is very childish to expect friends not to continue to live the life they choose because it doesn't suit a casual acquaintance.

Move on to friends who have more time and interest in the things you want to do, by all means, but don't think that your friends are doing anything wrong, because they aren't.

It sounds like these were more functional friends to do certain things with than people you cared hugely about, so just make different friends!

"What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all."

🤣🤣 is that all you are "expecting". You do realise there are only 2 weekend days each week so that's 2 days where you can do stuff as a family, you dont even get that though as there are children's hobbies, kids partys, house stuff etc. If on the off chance we are free we try to do something as a family or visit other family together. We will do things with friends but they are planned way in advance, the weekend is short they are usually jam packed rushing about to places. Before I had children I just lazed about, sometimes went shopping, visited friends, did hobbies, got ready to go out on a sat night, I had time to burn.

If you don't get that once people have children they don't have the same flexibility/time as people without children, just stick to the childfree friends.

I've not read all the PPs but looks like you're getting a bashing!

But yeah some women, their life is their kids!

They have nothing else.

And they're happy so that's fine, but fuck are some of them boring? Hell yeah!

Seriously you just need to get some new friends. Join a sports club or book club or just try something different and make NEW friends.

I guarantee some of these poor woman will be posting on here in a few years wondering why they have no friends.

I'm lucky to have "old" school friends "uni" friends and mum friends. But when we meet up it's 10 min catch up about kids and grandkids (yeah I'm that old) then no more!

Don't take it to heart OP, you've just grown out of these friends. Sad but move on.

You prioritised runs in your free time as that is what mattered to you, not friends.
Just own that.

@stayingpositiveifpossible

enjoy lonely friend free life once your kids have grown up OP

@stayingpositiveifpossible

obviously meant you not the Op

I'm not keen on meeting my friends with my kids present, for the reasons you've stated OP. It's just impossible to have a proper conversation with young children there. If the friends' kids are there too, it's OK, as we're in the same boat. But my weekends are so precious as it's our only family time. So the truth is, some friends have dropped off the radar, as sadly I just have had to prioritise. The rare occasions I am able to find some time to meet up is for my best friends only. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to here. Or other mum friends, simply as it's easier.

You sound selfish and needy- are you sure your friends aren’t just wanting to create a bit more distance? Back off on the weekends - they are family time and expect kids to come too unless it’s a one-off event planned. If they don’t want to do evenings either (once I was out the horrendous early baby haze I’d love a dinner out in the week with a friend), then perhaps it’s saying something about you. Their family and babies are their core desire/purpose in life and will always be top priority.

OP, I think YANBU but I also think your friends aren't necessarily BU either. You're just in different places and you have different priorities. I have not found parenting easy due to various things that have been outside of my control. I also work in an emotionally demanding job. There have been times when I've probably been a bit of a shit friend because I just haven't had anything else left to give.

The flip side is that childfree friends haven't always been able to empathise with this. Sometimes their expectations of me haven't been realistic or fair and i haven't always felt able to explain why, because I know they can't relate to my situation.

To be honest, the friendships I've been able to keep going are the low-maintenance ones. These tend to be with women who have children of a similar age to mine, or whose children are older so are now coming out the other side. They understand that an unanswered WhatsApp isn't me saying they don't matter. It's me quickly reading that message whilst trying to coax a reluctant toddler into the bath, keeping half an eye on the older one to make sure they're still doing their homework, thinking "I'll reply to that in a bit" and genuinely meaning it but I've got so many other things in my head it slips my mind. They know, because they're in the same boat, so neither of us get offended by the unanswered message, or last minute cancellation due to children being ill. When we do meet up, even if its a month or two later than we'd hoped, it's like we only saw each other yesterday.

I don't understand your response. The OP clearly can't cope with her friends that have children - which is what I said.

I have one child & a supportive DH.

As DH & I both work, weekends are sacred.
We each get one “slot” of childfree time to ourselves each weekend. That time is so precious.

I’d only really use my childfree time to meet a very very good friend who I really really enjoy spending time with. Otherwise I’d rather do my hobby, or just have quiet time to myself.

so I’ve let a lot of friendships fizzle out, because when push came to shove, seeing that person wasn’t my priority for my limited “me time”

^^This. Mums will always put their children first, quite rightly so too.