To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

🤣🤣 is that all you are "expecting". You do realise there are only 2 weekend days each week so that's 2 days where you can do stuff as a family, you dont even get that though as there are children's hobbies, kids partys, house stuff etc
And you do realise the OP was talking about once every couple of months, not every weekend

I love meeting up with friends for child free time.
Mostly evenings or daytime during the week.
There’s one friend I do meet up with on a Saturday afternoon, but that’s only 2-3 times a year.

I think expecting to meet up every two months with you child free is a tad unrealistic for parents, even if they do have a partner. (Though that depends on circumstances and the ages of the children.)

It does sound like your friends aren’t prioritising seeing you, though, especially in not replying to your texts and changing arrangements constantly. I can understand that getting to you.

You seem really annoyed/upset and perhaps there is now some resentment brewing. If you are not able to compromise on your expectations then perhaps friends with no children would be better. Personally I love my friends enough to see them any place, with or without their children. If you don't feel this way towards your friends then perhaps you need new ones.

There's a difference between putting children first (I put my family first too) and completely sacrificing your whole life

It’s kind of implicit when a poster says she couldn’t possibly spare a Saturday afternoon once every couple of months.

@crochetmonkey74 Have a word with OPs friends then 😂😂

This, not something to aspire to at all. Depressing, no wonder so many mothers have shite mental health.

I actually totally get you i was you about 10 or 15 years ago. I am childless, at 1st by choice but discovered after it was also not physically possible. I have had friends like yours, i have done all the christenings, listening on the phone about sickness night feeds etc, coffee meetings etc cancelled last minute, spending time at houses with them etc.
There are some friends whos lives evolve solely around their children, no one else can look after their children etc and have others who have no issue leaving their children with partners etc for a child free coffee or glass of wine. You will learn who they are. I have also got many a time especially in work oh wexone can do that she has no children so therefore she has no life, approved holidays cancelled , forced to work xmas because i have no children. So i have risen above it, i have got used to spending time on my own, i also have another child free friend who i spend time with.
I still have friends who have children ( have dropped some) , they make time for me and in return i make time for them and understand their constraints. I understand life is busy, i have no problem making time for a meet up in three months time. I also have pets that need looking after and a husband which we spend time doing things we enjoy at that weekend. Unfortunately my mother in law is now unwell so that takes up my time ( which i also get the comments from my inlaws oh you are so good, you have loads of time as you have no children ) What i do find now is that surprised comments from friends who children are now older, when they now want to meet up, oh you are busy ? How ? ( they are really saying how as you have no children??) What i like to say to everyone here is no one knows what goes on in peoples lives regardless if they have children are or not . Covid has shown us how much we need human company and support, In Op's case i would do what i did, take step back let people come to you , if you really want to stay friends with some people give it time and things will work out. A wise old women who i worked with would always say when she heard someone was pregnant remember you are a person 1st before you came a mother , everyone needs time for themselves

Do you have friends who don’t have kids? Friendships ebb and flow. They are in a different phase to you at the moment but maybe you will have DC at some stage or maybe their DC will become a little more independent with age and you’ll find it clicks again so I wouldn’t ‘cut them off’ or get angry with them. But I would tone it down for a while and leave the ball in their court. Just let the friendship ebb for now and see if you find your flow again later. They’re not being U to prioritise their family, you’re not being U to want to do things without kids. Your needs and wants don’t align well with these friends at the moment. It can be frustrating and upsetting if you feel they’re not making an effort and your always the one organising but I’d try to see their perspective and leave the door open, whilst also making your weekend plans with other friends who don’t have kids.

@daysayso I get that when a child is there it's very difficult to have a conversation. I understand the need for adults only occasionally. My circumstances make it difficult for me to plan weekends and evenings without my child as my partner works shifts, but I appreciate it's not the same for everyone.

@TinaLettuce

my child doesnt consume my whole life

i Will still go out and do Stuff without the including seeing friends

how is going out with your mates one Saturday aft in every six weeks not prioritising your kids?!

As a mum (which I don't apologise for, as RAISING kids is a huge achievement!)

Oh for goodness' sake! Raising children is a choice , and is something that most people throughout the whole of human history have managed to do. It's not something that deserves a medal.

Maybe it's mother's incapable of finding any time for a friend should get over themselves though?

I'm sorry but it's laughable, people have all sorts of things taking up time, having kids doesn't make anyone special. Some people work crazy hours, have hobbies, care for relatives and still find time, but a mother magically can't?

Not to mention this doesn't seem to be an issue for men who still go out to do things.

I have a one year old and know I’ve been a rubbish friend this past year. The emotional toll and relentless I just could not have imagined prior to having my DD and sadly for my friends and myself (!) I don’t have the mental capacity right now :( can’t wait until I do again!

P.s I still breastfeed, husband helps loads

I think once every two months is honestly quite a lot to expect someone to be available for you, child free with no complaints. We generally have lots planned at the weekend as a family. My husband is happy to parent alone whenever but sometimes at the weekend we both have things that we need to do child free like going for a hair cut and running errands. Equally my husband has things at the weekend he needs to do child free.

Its really easy for me to go for a coffee one week day afternoon though.

You’re only busy if you’re a mum. Others don’t have responsibilities or get tired - quite a few “you think YOU’RE exhausted???” comments on this thread alone.

Love how many of these people who can’t even have a wee or reply to a text have had time to make loads of comments on a MN thread though.

Is it me prioritising running ? Between 7 and 9am ? Not many people are up for a meet at that time TBH (although I have done Dawn yoga with DM and as I mentioned I had a running buddy). I would say I sacrificed time in bed to run. 2pm on a Saturday for many years (actually ok with a tiny bf baby, but out of the question for adult conversation from aged 2-12) would have been a non starter, saturday night would have made me feel resentful, but I could do weeknight evenings (we did have perfectly adequate babysitters) or super early mornings at the weekend. Yes I used some of this availability to exercise- shoot me.

As the DC became older evenings became more difficult as after school activities ran on till 7,8 or 9, then teenage parties to collect from. So weekend daytime is now more doable. Less keen on super early starts as have often been a taxi service till midnight.

I would also point out that this represents 50% of the parenting burden, DH absolutely pulls his weight, but parenting 2 DCs well often is 2 people's job.

Oh for many years I worked 1:3/1:4 weekends. The DCs need to see their grandparents. 1 in 6 is a huge ask.

I guess the important thing to remember is that the early years don’t last forever and there will come a day when you’re back to meeting up with those friends one-on-one?

The OP sounds very entitled - and does not appear to have any empathy for anyone else's position.

So YES, I don't have any empathy for them.

Is there some kind of a law that requires us mums to empathise with someone who has no idea what it is like being a mother.

I'm not aware of such a law.

As for the 'bending over backwards'. Doesn't seem like that to me. OP seems incredible intransigent (i.e. it's boring spending time at home in someone else's home etc.)

Mothers have the right to draw their boundaires like anyone else, in fact it is much more important that we do so. Don't be ridiculous.

As long as it reciprocated.
Women with kids can’t just take, take, take….. and never give anything back.

It's also very average choice tbh. Nearly everyone does it...

It really doesn't have to mean having nothing outside or from previous life.

@ReadytoShip funnily enough I think there is a link to PND/poor mental health and the way mothers are encouraged to devote themselves to their children.
When I first came on MN around 10 years ago (my youngest was about 5 then) I honestly couldn't believe some of the things women were doing - and being encouraged to do - as the norm.
Sitting in dark bedrooms from 7pm as they had to be with baby at all times (once, memorably, even eating in the dark on the bed), allowing baby to sleep on them and nowhere else, never allowing baby to cry. It would drive me demented and once there's a toddler in the mix too, it's the perfect recipe for depression I think.

Honestly OP - until my kids grew older I didn't have any child-free friends, and your post is exactly why.

I couldn't get out in the evenings for years (BFing, juggling bedtimes and knackered) and 90% of my mum friends were the same. Weekend meet ups were few and far between: it's family time, for DH and I to spend time together with our kids as we didn't see each other all week as we are too busy and exhausted. And frankly, my mum friends get it. They understand why I wasn't available, they understand why I'd sometimes cancel, they'd understand that sometimes I'm just too tired to enjoy socialising - even if I haven't done it for ages. I know it sounds mad to you but if you're juggling children, work, home etc all week, going out for a coffee sans enfants at the weekend (and having to arrange child care etc) ends up being just one more bloody hassle.

The only child-free people we spend time with are my sister and her partner. They live in a different country and when we visit, the kids stay with the grandparents. We enjoy a semi-child-free weekend with her and her partner. And even then, if it looks like we might have to change plans or a child gets sick etc, they start getting the hump. I remember her getting shitty about the fact that we took our kids into account when choosing where we should go and eat as a group🙄like she felt it should be up to the adults to choose the nice restaurant and somehow the young children just accept it. It was one bloody meal together and she was all "I can't believe you let them dictate to you like that", because we wanted to go somewhere that would be easy with children.