To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

they would want/need to wash hair
This is another weird thing that has taken hold, and has gained traction on social media. Hair wash has now become this mammoth task apparently. A shower takes 5 minutes, or 10 max. There is no way that women with children can't even fit this in. These threads are crazy
Actually, hair washing is now a twice weekly treat for me. I have thick hair which grows quickly and to wash, condition, and properly dry it (not just leaving it hanging so that it goes all wild - might as well have stuck with the grease ball look as this would be no better) as well as the usual shower stuff of actually washing the rest of me, we are talking minimum of 1 hour. And it has to be straight after work as I don't have time in the mornings and by the time DS is asleep I'm so over the day and totally not up for more work.

💯%

Having one Saturday every two months for a friend without kids to have an adult only meet up, genuinely is something that makes me laugh.

The chance really would be a fine thing. Between running around relatives, trying to spend quality time as a family, fitting in multiple adult friends and fitting in friends of my son its a non starter. And thats before I consider DH's sports coaching training, his volunteering and his need to spend time with adult friends.

Its la la land.

I couldn't manage it with even my very best friend even if i actually wanted to.

Having only one circle of friends is probably the big issue here tbh.

OP should seek more and be less needy. If she's always available for these friends, then that might be generous. It might also be marytrdom and purely down to her not being busy with others.

OP is really very unrealistic.

This is a depressing thread basically about what a self-centred, unfriendly society we have become so I’m out.

But I’m sure it’s already clear to you that once you can only get your point across by name calling you’ve lost the argument.

I don’t check notifications (only read the chats) so don’t worry yourself about @ ing me as I won’t be reading it.

But it is a drama or difficulty. j

I think you may benefit from finding some child-free friends.
Your friends children are now their priority.
You've invited them to meet up, they have declined or not text you back so you need to accept that.
People change as their situation changes.

You are talking about styling your hair to look good.
Simply being clean is a quick job.

For those people insisting that people without children don't know until they have one, you do understand that those of us without may have supported family, fostered, lived with children of friends or family.
Thankfully , in the real world , women with children aren't all unable to take 10 mins out to have a wee, wash hair etc etc and women without children aren't all rolling out of bed like Bridget Jones and having cocktails .
Most of us are fairly normal well adjusted people.
Also the people saying 'just get new friends' are ridiculous. It's hard to make friends and post covid when things are still struggling to get going, it's not as easy as that

This. One Saturday afternoon every couple of months is really not too much to ask especially when your friends are declining evening meetings and you are the one trying to accommodate them. I also only have childfree friends and friends with grown up children now.

And the bringing the kids along to meet ups is shitty behaviour

i would rather not meet up with them then meet up with their child in tow

You obviously don’t want to see them that much. Flexibility both ways helps. Although children every time changes the dynamics.

FWIW I remember before I had kids moaning about having a boring weekend to a friend with kids - DH was off on his own and I’d spent most of it alone. She was like ‘sounds like utter bliss to me’. And I think it’s true - often when I’m child free I just want to do nothing.

As others have said there’s always something - weekends are always busy one way or another.

I couldn't manage it with even my very best friend even if i actually wanted to.
Genuinely asking then , what does your friend get out of the relationship?
Being a friend is an active relationship

It is funny how when men become fathers they can always find the time to pursue hobbies, sports or meet up with friends without the children?

Time is precious as a working parent, you quickly find yourself prioritising. Maybe your friends prefer meeting with other mum friends/spending time with their kids and husbands/ not having to trawl around town with the pushchair. They might just think they don’t have much in common with you anymore. People change.

maybe find new friends if these friendships no longer suit

You don't have to prioritise friends that is fine.
They also do not have to wait around for you to come back.

I agree OP, even as parent.of small children. However I do think we are the minority. I'm on holiday at the moment and people's jaws drop when I mention that it's kids free. One thing I will say though is that I wanted to drop friends for this reason years ago (I was late having mine) and I'm glad now I didn't as once those first few years are done they do start to come back to normality a bit!

Yes agreed! I think competitive martyrdom is right, and the social media trends, excessive cleaning, making memories, no time for me etc etc

I think crap partners is a more common reason.
Alongside this strange concept that weekends are sacrosanct family time.

I just can't get over the fact that the people saying it's unreasonable for OP to see their close friends four times a year are also saying that if OP dumps these friends, she won't have them in a crisis.

The last text I sent to the last mum friend to drop off my radar was a crisis text. That was in 2018. She still hasn't replied. The people who are there for me in a crisis are the ones who make the effort generally (and vice versa), not the ones using their children as an excuse to remain in a mum bubble for years on end.

I know! Proper envious of DH because his mates still go occasionally out to meet up.

he also never hears "omg. You really don't know what real live is until you have them. How can you not want kids!" But that's another story

I am in a group of 6 girlfriends, 4 of us have dc's, 2 don't. We've known one another since school and get together child-free about 6-7 times a year usually when it's someone's birthday - so we'll generally have a night out or go for lunch and a few drinks.

I think expecting friends to meet up regularly on a Saturday afternoon is massively U. This is something we grew out of in our 20's once we met our partners and started having children.

Both those of us with dc's and those without have other friends we've met later in life from work/school mums/hobbies etc.

Once I married and had dc's my family took priority, yes. Doesn't mean I don't love my friends and enjoy it when I see them but weekends are precious and I certainly wouldn't be giving up my Saturday every other week or whatever to meet my friends. I prefer being with my family if I'm honest and only feel the need to socialise once every so often.

Maybe your friends are the same OP? Not that they don't care about you but you're just not as important as their family - as is the natural order of things IMO.

Also I never get the impression my child-free friends expect anything more than what we already do together.

Why don’t you ever suggest evenings? I often like to arrange dinner or drinks with a friend in the eve once every couple of months. Me and DH put it in the diary so he knows he’s doing bedtime and my friend (whether childless or not) obviously understands that this is a child free adult evening! Could you arrange something like this with your friend(s)? Sadly sometimes plans do get cancelled when young kids are involved if they get sick etc. But I’d remove the option of them dragging their kids along by making a bid for an evening meet up.

@MummyJ36 Her friends won't do evenings (haven't for 5 years) due to kids' bedtimes.

Why don't you bother to read the OPs posts?

@daysayso You're being a bit odd and narrow minded about this. When my children were small, I had a husband who was (on the face of it) perfectly capable of looking after the children on a Saturday afternoon. In practice, he fucked off to do his hobby/locked himself in his study. So Saturday afternoons were just like any other afternoon for a SAHM - children, children, and more children. I used to meet up with other mums with shit husbands/single mums because we could occupy our children more effectively and happily en masse. If a friend with no children had wanted to come along, she'd have been extremely welcome - though the friends who chose to do this were understanding of what it's like to have small children, even if they didn't have them themselves.

I didn't see a friend without at least one child in tow until they had all started school. Including at the weekends. Not entirely my choice, but that was the only option.

If you're dissatisfied with your friends, the best thing to do would be to make some new ones.

That said: small children are not an excuse to be flakey, and people who cancel last minute for no particular reason are a complete PITA. But they wouldn't be friends whether they did or didn't have children, because they'd be too annoying. I sometimes take several days to reply to texts - I have a 20 yr old non-smartphone and look at it about once every three days...

Of course someone who can not see you four times a year are never going to be there in a crisis.
And it is funny how people always say weekends away and big trips out are not possible with small children, when many people never do those things with friends anyway.
But if you can't meet up every three months for say a glass of wine one evening while your partner looks after the kids, then you have decided not to prioritise friends.
That is fine, your choice.