To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Agreed, it's absolutely vile. To think these women walk among us...eurgh.

I’ve only read the OP’s posts.

It’s a hard to hear but if they can’t find time to meet up one Saturday every two months, they are not interested in meeting up.

There are possible several reasons for this:

1. Their priorities have changed so much that they are just not interested in socialising outside of their family/mum friend bubble.
2. They actually prefer to spend all of their weekend with their family/children and don’t want to go for coffee, lunch without them.
3. They can’t leave the children with their Dad for a million and one reasons.

I dont get the drama over it.

It's not working. The friendship isn't two way.

Expectations are not matching.

Get new friends. Simple solution.
Sure, just like that. Yes, that might be what has to happen but in your world are friends as swappable as a dress that doesn't fit and you're exchanging? I don't think OP is unusual or unreasonable in feeling hurt that her friends don't seem to give a shit about her anymore.

I've had friendships end and I was sad about it for some time. Making new friends happened but it wasn't as unemotional as just picking a new one up on the weekly shopping order.

'This thread is a beautiful demonstration of why no one should ever call childfree/ childless people the selfish one’s!'

Indeed. Kindness, support and thoughtfulness are key parts of a friendship but only apply to childfree friends apparently. Mums get a free pass because, well, reasons

@RedToothBrush who said anyone is flogging a dead horse, whether she should drop these shitty, selfish friends is the entire point of the post.

It's not the OPs fault you're unable to read and understand her posts and the context of her situation

Also the thing is if people have different friendship groups too and you do get the chance to meet “one Saturday in a couple of months” it realistically very quickly becomes a lot longer xxx

I'm with you, OP. Friendships, like all relationships, take effort from both sides to maintain. It's understandable, then, when one side starts to put in less effort because they've chosen to prioritise something else, that resentment or apathy or drifting apart occurs.

That's what having children does. Your friends have changed, but that's not your fault or your problem, so you shouldn't be getting upset about it. I wouldn't cut them out necessarily, because they might have more time again in the future, but I would stop putting in the same effort you always did because it just won't be reciprocated at this period in time. Fill your time with other things, then if they bother to contact you, you can see if you have the time.

I think most of what you’re saying seems rather irrational. Is it possible that you want/wanted children and it hasn’t happened? Ie is there actually a different issue going on, and it’s not about your friends?

Yeah, YABcompleatlyU

I was a shit friend to my mum friends (realised this after having a kid) but even I wouldn’t expect them to have to see me without their baby etc

If your mum friends have and hour of child free time they would want/need to wash hair, do life admit, clean house, go to the toilet in piece etc That’s really precious time.

Maybe it would be reasonable to meet up once a year child free.

If children are around then the attention is not 100% on you but does it really need to be?

Im going to assume you are quite young and that in a few years you will have matured a bit.

*peace

Yep what an awful comment ! There is life outside your kids you know

@SexyLittleNosferatu

They treated the writer horribly.
And your putting sad faces for the mothers?!?

Just because you have kids, doesn’t give you a free pass to treat others badly.

they would want/need to wash hair
This is another weird thing that has taken hold, and has gained traction on social media. Hair wash has now become this mammoth task apparently. A shower takes 5 minutes, or 10 max. There is no way that women with children can't even fit this in. These threads are crazy

Im going to assume you are quite young and that in a few years you will have matured a bit

Another one that doesn't know how to talk to adults! Just where do you get off talking to people like that?

Choosing to be child free doesn’t mean you have to act like a child the rest of your life. It’s very common these days for society to kidefy people even into there 30s (just look at Star Wars, Marvel, gentle minions’ etc)

Having another human rely on you forces some of these people to grow up.

The only other thing that does this sadly is serious bereavement which I don’t wish upon you lot (all of you in this depressing mini convo)

Needing someone’s full attention solely on you 100% of the time or dismissing their life choices as a bore is not what friendship is about. If you just need a hanger on then yes that is easier to come upon then real friendships that may involve not seeing or speaking to people for years but being there at there parent or child’s funeral etc

Hi OP
I was childless until I was 40 so have experience of this from both perspectives. Whilst I understand how you feel, I think that once every two months is too high an expectation. Children, especially pre school and early primary school age, take over your life. At the moment with a baby under one I feel like I have no time to shower sometimes. It’s not okay for your friends to cancel last minute, however I think you should be more realistic in terms of how often they can see you on a Saturday. Before I had children I made a point to invest in friendships with people without children or those whose children were older, because they had more time for friends. You don’t need to cut your existing friends off, you’ll regret it if you do, just expand your circle so you are so busy that seeing them less is fine.

OP there are people in life who value friendships and those who do not. Those who do keep them going through children.

@Nanananananana99

Firstly who is expecting 100% of anyones attention, the OP has done things the friends want with their kids for 5 years. Friendships, like any other relationship need equal effort from both sides to keep alive.

Secondly, you sound an absolute bore

I think it is difficult when you have children. I think it is worth expanding your social network and maybe putting less energy in to these friendship. I think they're thread does highlight the importance of balance. I think children will always be the number one priority, however, I think it important to do thing outside your children for own sanity and to maintain friendship.

@crochetmonkey74 I agree. Also the nonsense about still being in your pajamas at 4pm and not having time to make a cup of tea. I judge it as competitive martyrdom and it's a relatively new phenomena I think. Certainly my health visitor would have expected me to be dressed beyond the first week 28 years ago. It must be a shock to the system when you have to do the school run with a newborn. It's actively encouraged now I think - you are regarded as a less dedicated mother if you are not attached to baby 24/7 and attending to every whimper and whim.

I don’t think that people who can’t meet one afternoon every three months are going to be there if op has a crisis.

I’d had friends who made it clear I was less than for not having kids, so backed off, few years later their husband’s turned out to be cheaters etc and few divorced and that’s when they tried to crawl back into my life.
No thanks!
Miss me with that shit!

If you do one thing as a parent you usually have to sacrifice another activity eg sleep, or eat, or wash hair. Yes it’s easy enough to jump in the shower but so I then spend the day with wet hair looking like a state because a baby is sleeping or doesn’t enjoy the noice of the hair dryer or just cry’s every second you are out of the room.

All I can say is, as someone who always thought “you will never understand what it’s like until you have a baby” was the night of BS, you can’t understand the utter mayhem of having a baby unless you have one.

I just think the safest thing is how lonely and isolated the ops friends with kids probably are and she hasn’t even considered the flip side.

Its the reality.

If she's that bothered then she needs to change.
She can't expect these people to change.

If you are unhappy you get out of the box you are in and do something about it, rather than sitting around lamenting it.

So yes it is that simple. You make a conscious choice to flog a dead horse or to put yourself out there into new situations.

Sitting on your arse doing nothing about the status quo is entirely down to you. Especially if you don't have kids.

Children being the number one priority does not mean children need to be your number one priority 100% of the time.