To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

WOW!

You are a selfish, entitled little madam aren’t you!!

do your friends a favour and leave them alone, they and their children are better off without a selfish brat like you.
Horrible response. OP may have underestimated how tricky it can be to find childcare on a weekend or how little time there is available to have to want to spend with just other adults but there is fuck all selfish or entitled in feeling hurt that she doesn't get to have adult company or friendship anymore.

My WOW is reserved for this kind of response. You sounding the entitled brat, not OP.

I don't think you're asking for the moon on a stick.
I'm surprised that you can't have a couple of hours of a good friends time every couple of months. I do wonder if some women in particular tread water with friendships until they have a child and don't need them any more.
I have a child, most of my friends have children, we meet without children maybe 3 times a year for each friend and with children probably same. I know it's less than you'd want, but it's about effort isn't it? Them acting like they would really like to meet with you.

Well that's not going to happen

Oh but the gaping hole :D Same, I work away about one week out of every 8. The kids get to see that I'm a human being with a life, my husband is a perfectly functioning parent which hardly needs remarking on, and it's only a certain kind of woman who forever squeals "oh but who could possibly care for your children?"

@takealettermsjones the OPs friends are rubbish shitty people, they have made their friends interactions with them revolve around their needs.

If in 5 years they can't leave the kid with dad for an evening, or brunch that's shit. Really shit

Just get new friends OP. Clearly you don't value these ones and think they should centre their world around you and adult things.

Meanwhile this doesn't happen in the real world.

You have different lives which, don't seem compatible with your expectations.

Its not for them to change - they have responsibilities and you don't. Its for you to decide whether you wish to stay friends or get new ones who don't have the same pressures.

Slightly bemused by the person who said she only just got used to going out without her 20 year old 😱

Curious as to your age as it reminds me of when my older sisters started having children and what a drag I felt it was... lol.

Clearly the solution is to find like-minded friends who enjoy doing similar like things.

YANBU OP. And I say this as the mum of a 9 month old.

I have to work hard to maintain friendships with my child-free friends and accept that I might be able to make it out to one evening event every few months.

Child-free meet ups are a rare treat. Night time meetups are often out of the question entirely if the baby is having a rough patch. Often I really notice how our lives and priorities are very different now. I struggle for example to get excited about whatever festivals my friends are off to this summer, I'm sure they equally struggle to get excited about the details of my baby's development. It just is what it is.

With those I really care about I make it work because they are important to me and we have equal respect for where the other is at in life. I've certainly let some friendships fade where it felt like a bit more effort than I had to give. There is not necessarily any hard feelings there, we are just in different places in life right now.

No one is at fault in your situation and I don't think you expectations are too high at all. Friends text each other back and meet up when they can. In your place I'd let them go now with grace and focus on other people/things. Maybe it will all come back around if your lives align more in the future.

I completely understand where you're coming from OP - it's really difficult to chat with young kids around.

I have been on both sides of this - I had children much later than most of my friends so was child free whilst they had little children. We generally met in the evening's for dinner/drinks - they were happy to leave their partners to do bedtime routines and also enjoyed child free catch up. Now I have children and although I work I am more than happy to forgo bedtime routine every now and then and will happily leave my partner to do it if I meet a friend for an evening meal. I want to catch up properly with old friends without being interrupted by my children constantly!

I find it strange that your friends have to always be there for bedtime- of course that's the case for single parents but not if there's another parent to hand?

Tell me you haven't read the OPs posts without telling me you haven't read the posts....

How is it self centred for wanting adult time after 5 years of constantly bending to her friends needs re having their children around.

The exact opposite is true.

Lol you must be high!

She clearly does value her friends since she is the one making the most effort to meet them.

She has clearly said she suggested meeting in evenings but her friends told her no. She then suggested afternoons like Saturday and was told no. So why don't her friends suggest better times then if they keep saying no to everything.

I don't think its impossible to meet a friend even once a year or once in a couple of months (lets say 3 months means a couple) for an hour or more. I don't think that is too demanding.

Friendship like any relationship requires both people to compromise.

We don't know what responsibilities OP has, just that she doesn't have children.

All of these sort of comments are so nasty.

Perhaps her friends should think how they come over to her.

My mum used to give great advice- don't drop your friends in the good times- or they won't be there in the bad times

No, no my 2 year old would definitely be eating the cat and climbing up the book case if nobody was watching her. I really need to exchange her for one of these super obedient robot children I've heard so much about.

People manage to achieve all the things you've mentioned because they're paying for child care and their kids aren't there to get in the way. Or they have the help and support of their families to enable them to achieve their goals. Dame Jessica Ennis-Hill would never have won gold running round the track holding her kids hands. Boris Johnson isn't taking his toddlers to a Cobra meeting is he? You can't compare working while your kid's in nursery to trying to do something when your alone at home with a toddler.

WOW!

You are a selfish, entitled little madam aren’t you!!

do your friends a favour and leave them alone, they and their children are better off without a selfish brat like you

This is hilarious. Such an absolute arsehole embarassment of a comment. Who seriously thinks they can call another adult an "entitled little madam"??

Clearly the words of an absolute mummy bore who will be lonely as fuck 15 years from now.

Sorry, OP but the truth is most parents work and juggle the kids on top of it. If they're lucky enough to have weekends off they want to spend them together, not apart and with friends.

I don't want to spend saturday afternoons with my mates when I could be spending them with my family. It's that simple.

Don't get me wrong, I'd give up a few a year to good friends but not many at all and if they expect to always be kept away from my kids then I'd let them go.

@EmmaH2022 exactly, we don’t know what responsibilities and demands that the OP is under in her personal life.

I thought that too, like she has completely forgotten how to talk to adults.

Even without kids people's lives become busier with careers, homes, family such as parents etc.

Be friends with whoever you choose but you sound demanding and needy imo.

I actually don't think you're being unreasonable - I have a child and have managed to have mostly childfree meet ups with my friends once he was no longer breastfeeding. I went away for the weekend with friends when he was 1. But then I have a DH who is more than happy to do bedtime on his own, and to parent his child without me if necessary!

Well don't be a doormat then.

Seriously.

I dont get the drama over it.

Its not working. The friendship isn't two way.

Expectations are not matching.

Get new friends. Simple solution.

Flogging a dead horse with it, when they've got other priorities isn't going to change the situation is it?

I would've had zero interest in friends kids before I became a mother myself and definitely wouldn't have wanted them tagging along whenever we met up! Now that I have a child of my own I wouldn't dream of bringing him along unless I was meeting other mum friends.

I guess I'm lucky to have a supportive partner (as do your friends from the sounds of things) but I have no issues meeting my friends alone at the weekends or in the evenings. Friendships have always been important to me though and I would have always been someone to make an effort to see people so becoming a mother hasn't changed that.

Martyrdom. I travel for business reasons every other month. I attend midweek meetings on other cities. The children do not pull down bookcases because they're well behaved. They are not "24/7". They are not a barrier to focus. What makes some women think a child prevents them even making a phone call, while others literally have lives and work and achieve things and win Olympic medals and stuff? Your kid is really not going to get into a mess. Unless you do shit like leave paint out for them. And that's on you

How would you know if you aren’t there. Great childcare costs a lot of money and you are right in that people don’t win Gold medals whilst looking after their children.

Yes you can make a phone call but only if you have someone looking out for your child. You can make the house as safe as possible but they will always find a way to put themselves in danger.

Just because yours didn’t do these things that is down to luck… or lack of imagination.

Having a well behaved child/children it doesn’t mean you have done things right and others have got it wrong. You just haven’t had the one who doesn’t listen to you.

This thread is a beautiful demonstration of why no one should ever call childfree/ childless people the selfish one’s!