To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

Absolutely terrible behaviour on their part and no one should do this, given how expensive these events are.

This thread is really awful. So many posters berating OP because she wants to see her friends - they're friends, of course she wants to see them, she cares about them!
exactly, but then so many women on mn seem to have no actual friends.

a male single friend basically said we'd continue being friends so long as we continued to meet up twice a year outside of our other commitments. Not because hes a dick who doesnt understand the yearning chasm of my childrn not being with me, but because he knows what iy takes to sustain a friendship. therer will be exceptions - kids, covid etc but our basic commitment aim is twice a year because we live 100 miles apart.

@Katypp - oh bore off honestly. I’m the main earner and work full time and my DH part time so bang goes your theory there. One set of GP are dead and the other side cba, oh that doesn’t fit your theory either does it. And parenting was worse in the past, corporal punishment, children not being allowed to have emotions etc we’ve progressed as a society.

*I think ppl are deliberately misinterpreting where the OP is coming from so they can lecture her on how difficult life is with a child!! Or how let her know how unimportant she is once kids are born

apparently they will pick her back up when the kids are older as if she should be oh so grateful that they’ve now decided she is worth a text back and maybe a coffee on a SHOCK HORROR Saturday!!*

I agree, people are looking for something OP didn't say. Frankky, it says a lot about them.

If I knew how it will be ince you hit 30s, I would make more male friends. They seem to be able to go out and keep the friendships🤷🏻 I made a mistake thinking it's like my parents had it when they took turns watching us so other could have life outside as well. The mates who have this still are abroad. Interestingly it was mainly my friends in UK who have the "can't go out" thing going on.

I think a lot people see the need for friends as a weakness

When I had my DC I was a bit ruthless and essentially made no effort with some friends. I had to prioritise the friendships I wanted to maintain the most as I couldn't be a good friend to them all anymore. I did feel bad, but that's life.

It's so different now I was a SAHM so completely broke with first two. Years later when third one came along we had money so I socialized more. Most mums work now so the time with children is precious

Are you a single parent?

Have you missed the only outings she gets with her friends are with their kids?

100% of all her interactions with said friends are based around what the friends with children want. That's not an equal friendship.

To be fair, it's entirely on the 'friend' not actually the fact they have kids.

I have kids, so does my friend. Problem is, her kid is a nightmare. I would love to just meet up with her on her own (without any of the kids). She just won't do it. I happily go places without my kids!

On MN certainly. Everybody is all "My DH is my best friend." I can't identify with it myself.

Just to add to the ‘friends are for life’ narrative. A child free friend who I went out of my way to make time for, had moved to the other side of the world

In many ways I think why didn’t I suit myself more when she clearly suited herself.

Don't understand this. Why shouldn't she move to the other side of the world exactly?

I see your point but it's just a completely different way of life when you have children. My husband and I both work FT and we have a 1 year old. We have no help from our parents (due to distance) or anyone else so any time that we aren't at work, we like to spend as a family - travelling etc. My friends also work FT and none of them have kids but are always keen to spend time with my son as well if it means we can hang out. Due to shift work, meeting on weekends or evenings isn't always possible. Perhaps you can try meet up groups with other people who have similar hobbies?

Sorry, but no, just no no no - you’re giving an extreme example here. When my baby is with her GPs, there is no ‘gaping hole’ where my baby should be. There’s usually a nice cup of coffee and a book! Yes she’s with me most of time and I value my time with her, she’s my most precious thing, but I think what you’ve described is very unhealthy indeed.

Thank you, no, I haven't missed that. Her friends either can't be away from their kids or have decided not to be. That is their prerogative. OP can either decide that she's okay with that or step away from the friendship.

I think it's unreasonable to suggest that OP's friends are rubbish people because of this, or that they're selfish, martyrs, going to end up alone, etc etc.

I also don't think that going to a friend's house for a coffee while their kids are running around is particularly "giving" a lot or making the friendship unequal, either. I was happy to do that for my mum friends because I wanted to see my friends. It didn't matter what we did.

Agree that example is very extreme and a tad unhealthy

You aren’t alone in your experience OP. A couple of my friends became incredibly boring after they had kids. I wasn’t annoyed at them, but I felt a sense of grief for the fun, outgoing women they were before they had kids.

I think it’s probably best that you try to find some friends without kids, or some with older kids that don’t bring them to everything. Once in a blue moon is fine, but kids really do change (ruin) the dynamic of a meet up!

"What no one understands until they have children is that children are 24/7/365 days of the year. It is impossible to 'get' this until you live it. You can't have a focused catch up phone call when DC are tiny (unless they are with another adult) because they could be pulling a bookcase down on top of themselves or eating the cat."

Martyrdom. I travel for business reasons every other month. I attend midweek meetings on other cities. The children do not pull down bookcases because they're well behaved. They are not "24/7". They are not a barrier to focus. What makes some women think a child prevents them even making a phone call, while others literally have lives and work and achieve things and win Olympic medals and stuff? Your kid is really not going to get into a mess. Unless you do shit like leave paint out for them. And that's on you.

I don't really get this thread. I've always seen my friends, not all the time, but certainly a good bit in the evenings, odd weekend night out, even gone away, all with children. I would sit in for my husband to go out, he would sit in for me, we always had friends, social events, not so many in the early years but some! The hardest thing was not being able to go out as a couple as much, but we certainly prioritized time with family and friends for each other- one night out after work is absolutely fine in a whole week

Now my kids are late teens, and we've had troubles in life I'm so glad I have friends! Glad I didn't collapse the whole thing for 'family time' on weekends and every evening!

My friends who were happiest as mums both worked and maintained their friendships (or made new ones with work or mum friends). The unhappier ones felt stifled, stayed in a lot or had shit husbands who couldn't look after their own kids for even one evening to facilitate their wives going out.

This is a perfect example of when someone says 'you will understand when you have children'.
People used to say it to me before kids and I used to like how rude of course I understand.
However now I have kids I completely get it. I know understand how hard it is to just meet up with your friends on a Saturday afternoon.

Have to laugh at all these comments of well the friendship just goes on hold for 10-20 years and once they older we can just pick up where we left off. Eh no, if you don't care enough to even meet up lets say even once a year or even pick up the phone and have a few calls for that long don't think you can waltz back in like nothing ever changed.

There are so many threads on here where mums suddenly find it so hard to make friends once kids have grown up. There is a reason why the advice is to never completely give up on your old life and friends. But hey good luck making friends when your older.... its way more harder than you realise and this forum shows it

Your'e funny @Ladywinesalot , and a tad dramatic and patronising.
You are a selfish, entitled little madam aren’t you!! OP isn't selfish, entitled or 5.
do your friends a favour and leave them alone, they and their children are better off without a selfish brat like you. her friends are grown ups, if they don't want her in their life, they can use their big girl voices and tell me.

OP is asking for some just adult time once or twice a year, to not FREQUENTLY have their meet ups cancelled, often at very short notice, to not have events cancelled (ie tickets waster) for foreseeable events (ie naps), to not be left out, to not have messages ignored, to have friends who actually want to see her.

If you think that is entitled and selfish, i pity your friendships.

I also went away without my children when they were 8 months and 2 1/2 years, and my husband travelled without me at a similar age! Was great. The thought of sitting in all the time and having no friends/stuff to do is just not similar to me and my friends at all.