To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

@Prinnny it’s fine for you to change your priorities. Not fine for you to expect other people to change their priorities. They have their own lives and priorities

@Dreamstate the OP has said she expects a Saturday afternoon every couple of months. Let’s say that’s 8 weeks, each parent taking it in turns to have their friend afternoon, more than 1 friend because otherwise you will be prioritising 1 friend over others. It adds up. It’s not impossible but the OP hasn’t said that, she’s said her friends make a drama out of it.

As I said above I literally had no idea how much my life would change when having a child. If I’d had known I may have thought a bit harder about it honestly. It takes planning to be able to be out the house without your children, and money if babysitters are needed. It’s a lot of effort and if the OPs attitude is anything to go by here not sure I’d bother honestly.

@EL8888 - nowhere did Prinny say she expected people to change their priorities to suit her. Just explaining how her priorities have changed.

I think it actually benefits kids in the long run if their parents have lives outside of the family home. It does younger people good to see their family members as three dimensional people rather. Previous posters have it spot on saying that mummy martyrs are likely to become the needy parents and grandparents of the future.

For what it's worth beyond the baby stage I don't think a few hours every couple of months or so is an unreasonable ask of friends. Would alternating childfree and child included meet ups be an option with them?

Where did I say others have to change there priorities?

I said as a parent mine have now changed. Friends either accept how the land lies now or friendships fall by the wayside. Thankfully I’ve been blessed with friends both pre and post children that are understanding that as you go through life priorities change.

Wow. This would not work for me at all. I was fine spending hours away from them even when they were babies.

My kids are older now but I'm sure I did this to my friends. And I felt they dropped me. I struggled intensely when my kids were small and the idea of free time without them that I would use trying to have a conversation rather than just staring into space or reading a book felt impossible. I was so tired, all the time. Getting a bus or a train to meet someone, feeling like it was antisocial not to have a drink when I knew it would just make me feel terrible after the inevitably sleepless night I was headed for, trying to find something to talk about that wasn't my kids when it was my turn to say something. Just a whole heap of effort I couldn't manage. It wasn't because I didn't value the friends or want to spend easy time with them - nothing felt easy with small kids, not even when they weren't there.

I'm not saying you have to put up with it but seeing it as selfishness or an intentional deranking is not necessarily accurate. It's just life, priorities, humans.

I don't think it will change, our friendships have had plenty of investment, that's the key, respecting that investment. I don't think men have the same view as women.
My legacy will be fathering and raising 4 children. I'm quite happy and content with that idea and identity.
Post fatherhood, I had multiple identities, being a party person, footballer-coach-promotions-DJ- business owner. Some of these identities I've mentally mourned, but alas they're just not compatible with fatherhood how I think it should be done. 16-36 is a good innings for pleasing one's self.

@Kennykenkencat

“I have only just got used to not being with Dd everyday and she is in her 20s“

wow!!

I think maybe your friends have ceased being friends with you already and you haven't noticed...

Don't want to meet up
cancelling plans
don't text back...

The mothers litrally arent taking or asking for anything, its OP that wants something.
The mothers are asking OP to never ever have their time as an adult friend. They are taking away from OP the opportunity for adult conversation uninterrupted any point whatsoever. That is massively taking away from the friendship.

Honestly its one of those situations that you cant comprehend until/if you have kids. I avoid last minute cancellations and hate cancelling or being late but sometimes youve had an awful morning, screaming children, no sleep and in my case pnd. I really wanted to get out the house but sometimes it just felt impossible. Ive lost contact with some of my friends because of this over the last couple of years.

I agree with others that weekends are often the only time families have together and its so precious. Also if one parent works on a weekend then you have no choice but to bring your kids.

Unfortunately i think its a combination of you understandably not really comprehending how utterly overwhelming and hard having a kid is and also being a bit unrealistic.

If you're finding the current set up boring thwn phase out. But youll probably find in a couole of years when theyve come out of the early years years, the fog lifts and they have more free time. I understand its hard not to take it personally but try not to.

There was no "gaping hole" for me when DH looked after the kids while I went out to meet a friend. I skipped off merrily.

These threads always bring out such extreme positions!

@Hrpuffnstuff1

but it doesn’t have to be either or

you describe it as you pleasing yourself and then all of that stops when you have kids and you go on the back burner.

surely there is a middle ground?

people need time for themselves to do stuff solely for themselves and their own enjoyment whether they are a parent or not

it’s like saying oh you’ve had years of weekends, you don’t need any more now. It’s doesn’t work like that! People still need time for the themselves, their friendships and hobbies regardless of how many years they could prioritise these things when child free

@DappledThings - no they are saying this is what I can offer right now as my life has really changed. The OP is free to find what she needs elsewhere. As another poster rightly said we aren’t 19 forever, our lives change. I’ve had friends move across the globe, our relationship is mostly FaceTime these days because of their decision. I don’t begrudge them 1 iota, I just adapted. I’ve had friends who got dogs and honestly that was more tedious to deal with than a friend having a child.

exhausted by it

I think they are the ones being exhausted by being parents. You're just annoyed that you don't have anyone to go out with anymore.

Make new friends! Be happy for your existing friends in their new and emerging families.

To be honest, you sounds quite bitter and jealous. Maybe something to think about.

I have a friend who is a SAHM, with a supportive DH, who works from home 90% of the time.
I work.
So can't meet during the day as I work. Can't meet in the evening as that is dinner and bed time routine. Can't meet at the weekend as that is family time.
If you do meet at the weekend for a coffee - kids (3 & 4) are in toe and then you can't talk.
When do you meet?

The unsaid expectation is that I take time during the day when the kids are at nursery to meet.

No one is in the wrong here- but it does make it hard to maintain friendship hard.

This was me too.

V late to the party, interesting thread.
I rarely say this, but YABU, OP.
Have you said you are childfree? I can't find it on the thread but it sounds like you don't understand how much children can change your life.
Everything shifts when you have a child. Priorities change. It's something I had no clue about before I became parent either.
I have 1 child and quite a lot of childfree friends - I'd say more without than with actually. My best friend who I've known forever seems to accept and be happy to meet up when we can.
We still do comedy nights and drinks etc, but this has to planned well in advance. My partner is not supportive and neither are my parents with childcare.
I try to be careful not to talk about DD too much as I know it's boring and I don't want anyone to feel excluded but this can be tough as apart from when I'm at work I'm with DD all the time!
My oldest (male) friend has been in touch with me about meeting for lunch. I told him I was busy the next few Fridays - the only day we can both do- and he told me meeting up with me 'was harder than pencilling a meeting in with the pope'!!🙄😂 It really isn't , it has taken me about a month to find a free Friday but I've just pencilled in a lunch with him.
Your friends with children aren't being rude or annoying, it's just their priorities have changed. They may be exhausted, have relationship problems, kids may be ill, anything!
I don't agree with not texting back, that's not on.
You need to see things from the other side and try to put yourself in their shoes. It is easier when you only have yourself to look after.

FWIW OP it can be done. I have just come back from a lovely morning with my friend choosing her wedding dress. 3 month old stayed with her delighted GP and I only mentioned her when asked - it was my friend’s day, not mine.

@LuckySantangelo35 why would it be inconveniencing your children though?
eg you’ve planned to meet up with your childfree mates one Saturday afternoon, it’s been planned ages and you’ve not see them for about six weeks ahead of that.

I said in my previous comments that I have young children (3 &1) not sure if you have kids and not sure if you know this but a 3 & 1 year old are VERY DEPENDENT for obvious reasons. No, I'm not creating an unhealthy dependency (that statement doesn't make sense in my situ) We're not talking about 13 and 15 year olds here.

And as for your example, I said "at the slightest inconvenience" which means if something came up that I felt Its not reasonable that I go out and leave the kids. Therefore If I had planned something in advance and all is well then off course I'd go. What I am trying to say is that my kids will always be the priority. I used the words "slightest inconvenience" to emphasize how important that is to ME.

And "slightest inconvenience" for me can be anything I deem that I need to prioritize my children over. I'm not crazy and I'm not just gonna cancel plans if my baby needs a nappy change.

Yes. This is the reality. My DPs weren't willing to babysit. I wouldn't have wanted someone to babysit. My DC were very clingy and screamed if left. I had a family funeral and left DS with a neighbour. He screamed the entire time I was gone.

My BFF hasn't had children but enjoyed being with mine and was happy to always meet with them there.

I'm sorry OP but your expectations are completely unrealistic.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

hahah!

these women are so bogged down in mothers they cannot spare a few hours to see one of their long standing pals for a few hours at the weekend without a child in tow. Are their partners too useles to look after the kids? Who knows

OP however can please herself entirely, she can go wherever and do whatever she wants. She can have cocktails in a swanky bar or go to gym or go get her hair done allllll day if she wants

and you think Op is jealous of her pals??

i don’t think 🤣

that’s what some women like to tell themselves to justify their own choices. I think the jealousy may actually be the other way round in a lot of cases

YABU I’m sorry to say, but I do feel for you.

It is of course inevitable that things change almost completely when your friends have families. They have to adjust and you have no option but to adjust to their new lives too. I can see that you have adjusted to match what you think are their new lives. But your expectations of them are still too high. and it seems you aren’t reading this situation fully and it’s made you resentful.

So my advice is yes, stop bothering with them but don’t cut them off altogether. Stay friendly. If they want to see you they will make the effort. Be patient if you can, as there will come a time when they do suddenly occasionally have spare time to be with you. I hope you let them back in.
In the meantime, resolve to find a new group of people with the same social expectations as your own. Good luck.

Sure, but I don't think it's fair to say that parents have zero empathy for others/care for their friends when the common view here from non-parents is "it's easy, why can't you just leave the kids with DH, stop being a martyr!" To me that shows very little empathy for the parent.

I'm not sure why you're saying that childless friends are more helpful when expecting - that seems a stretch, and it certainly wasn't the case for me.

Regarding the one meet up every two months, people seem to not be engaging with the issue that I raised in my first post (and a few others have said too), which is that most people have more than one friend. So to meet them all child free would take up all your free time.

What if the parent is also struggling with job stress, relationship problems, lack of sleep, financial worries, birth injuries, confidence issues, mental health conditions... I don't think it's the parents that are lacking empathy here.

As I and many others have said, it's fine to decide that you don't want to be friends with someone any more. Go for it. But it's not okay to moan and basically imply that parents are rubbish people for not prioritising friends in exactly the way those friends would like.

Personally, before I had kids I was up in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet seat with my coffee, having a good old chat and passing sponges/towels etc while my friends bathed their little ones, and my friends have done the same for me. Being a friend goes two ways.