To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

This thread has been an eyeopener about how many useless DHs and DPs refuse to "babysit" their own bloody DC.

YABU to ask for weekend afternoon meet ups.

I completely empathise. I have friends like this. For context, I have a full time job and a child but I still make time to meet up with friends for dinner, the cinema - we've even been on mini breaks etc (luckily have supportive husband and grandparents). I think it's really important to have a life that is separate to your kids.

One friend in particular doesn't work and has a supportive husband, grandparents nearby and a cleaner, gardener etc but any attempt to meet up is thwarted by her apparently busy life with kids. Se has to be there for dinner every night, take them to clubs etc etc to exhaustion. I'm also thinking of just stopping making an effort - which is really sad as we've been friends for over 40 years.

I’d love to meet up with my friends every weekend but when you work mon-fri it’s almost impossible to get everything done on those 2 days when you are a parent.

I’m a single parent so in a slightly different situation but I was very lucky that my friends would come to me as I had no help and could often not afford a babysitter.

But I’d also have to put up with not seeing them very often as they were out clubbing, going on girls holidays, dating, travelling etc.
I could accuse them of not making time for me but I never did as I know they were busy but their busy was different to mine.

I encourage every parent to get out with their friends as much as possible but it’s not something that is easily done.

Honestly it just sounds like you’ve outgrown each other which is fine.
I would stop making so much effort and meet up much less frequently and spend more time with your childless friends.

I think having supportive grandparents/aunts and uncles makes the world of difference otherwise whilst one parent is getting a break the other is getting more stressed and then vice versa and you don’t get time together to recuperate. Unfortunately we have zero family support and its bloody hard when you both work full time and only have weekends free.

I had my children late but found before that that my friends became pretty much unavailable as soon as their dcs were born. Children are massive distractions and during that period I drifted apart from several friends. It wasn't just that my old friends were busy, distracted and tired - they also found new friends with children which made life much easier for them.

When I had dcs myself I fully understood. I was grateful for new friends with dcs the same age as mine as it meant we could socialise together while our dcs played or at least distracted us all in equal measure.

If I were you I would look for new friends and let these friendships drift a bit. Keep them alive but don't rely on them. You never know, the friendships may resurrect when the dcs are older and more independent, as has happened in my case.

I think it's fine to want to meet without their kids present, most of my friend meetups are without kids unless we both have kids of the same age. Even then we meet without them sometimes. It's just a far more indepth conversation without kids running around!

I have a two year old and manage to see my close friends pretty often, with and without kids. I'm not a single parent so I just make it work. As an example over the past few months one friend I drove to meet for dinner after DC was in bed. Another I went to meet for dinner after DC went to bed. Another I had friends over after DC went to bed. Or I meet friends over lunch for a couple of hours while my husband watches him or takes him for a nap. Sometimes I use annual leave to take a day off to chill and then see if any friends are free for a coffee. Other times DH and I take turns to have an afternoon free each every few months to go off and see friends while the other parent parents. I fit things in because I prioritise my friendships, though I would feel suffocated if anyone tried to force me into a regime where I had to see them every eight weeks without my child, people have multiple friends and relatives to keep in touch with so that would be a lot for me to spend with one person unless it organically fell that way (which it does with my closest friends, but perhaps you're not their closest friend?)

You sound really upset and defensive about it all, may I ask what your history is of kids? Do you have them? Did you want them? It can be so painful when everyone pairs off and into a family if you wanted that too but couldn't have it, or if you never wanted it but still feel left out. People who are secure and happy in not having kids or a partner (not sure if you're single or not) tend to find a balance in their friendship circles so they're not just reliant on friends with kids.

You mention being aggrieved because you're not invited to mums meet ups... but you don't want to meet up with mums with kids around. Do you mean you'd like to be invited along to a mum meet up without kids? It's possible they don't invite you because they feel you would be bored by kid conversation. But you can always say to a close friend that you like hanging out with them so you're not opposed to a mum's night out!

@LuckySantangelo35 oh of course, I totally agree that you shouldn't lose yourself in motherhood.

But ultimately the things that make me who I am are all things that I do on my own. I am an accomplished musician and a very amateur but enthusiastic visual artist. I love cooking, reading, going to the opera and art galleries. I try and do these things as much as I can now I have a baby, but the reality is that as well as all these other things I am now a mother. I love being a mother much more than I love playing the piano or going to art galleries! So if two priorities are conflicting, being a mother always takes priority for me. It's not because I feel like I have to, it's because I just love it!

As for my friends, some of them share my interests so sometimes we engage in them together. Usually we don't, though. My closest circle catch up over FaceTime at least once a month. Some of those friends still go out clubbing together, but I don't join these days. I am still just as close to them all as I ever was.

I make time to meet non-mum friends usually once twice a month at weekends. This isn't because I feel like I can't do any more, it's because it's as much as I want to! I have a lot of friends, so yes it means that individual friends get seen infrequently, but we text often. We don't do much exciting. I could sit in a room and talk to my friends for hours and hours, I don't need to find some activity to make it interesting! And yes, my baby often is around too because they usually want to meet up with us all as a family.

My friends seem very interested in my baby, which makes me so happy. I never bring baby stuff up unless they ask, which is because I'm anxious that people think mum-related stuff is boring. But they're my friends, so they care about what's important to me, whether it's boring or not. One of my friends has an intensely dull corporate job that she talks about often - but because it's her job I am genuinely interested because I love her and I am invested in her life!

If this makes me a mummy martyr then so be it, I'm not sure I really care. I am happy, content, and I have a lot of friends who love me for me and not because I happen to be interested in accompanying them to whatever event or activity they want to do.

I've seen one poster mention that they have a selfish husband - where else has anyone said their dp/dh refuses to look after their own children?

I think you need to walk away , you are at different points in your life . Frankly other peoples children barring a few are annoying so it's unsurprising you aren't enjoying it if you aren't a parent ..

It perfectly normal to lose friends as life changes and to find new ones with Sonia or interests !

@takealettermsjones yes friendship is both ways, clearly the OP is giving and her friends aren't giving back.

There are so many bathing the baby experiences people give a shit about before you start wondering when you'll do anything you both enjoy, instead of it being one sided.

I've had this issue recently, so it's fresh for me, I have a son and never once did I drop friends because of his existence, DH is an equal parent and we both have one child free evening a week (and one morning each weekend) which I chose to use on my friends, he chose hobbies.

My closest friend is currently about to pop and despite being pregnant myself (but a few months behind) I have been over and cleaned her bathroom after she was sick everywhere as her DH is out most of the day, I do the emergency biscuit runs when all she could eat was digestives, after she gives birth I will be on hand to look over the baby while she has a shower, or help tidy if she is overwhelmed, but honestly I am still a little annoyed she is going to be distant for me when I get to the same point.

The OP has done a lot with her friends children, it's not selfish to expect they for once do something she might actually get value from. So many posting on this chain are proving this obsessed parent stereotype and it's quite sad to see.

I think that expecting any friend with young children to see you on a weekend afternoon, minus children most of the time is laughable to be honest. We do not have any babysitters, yes we can take it in turns but that has to be balanced with family life.

My son is 6 now but was exclusively breast fed and had health issue. I was away from him for 2 afternoons in his first 2 years and if any friend had not absolutely supported that, I would not consider them a friend. Even now when we are past all that, I want to spend my weekend with my child. I would be happy to meet up without my child sometimes, but it defend wouldn't even be once a month. I am lucky though, my friends have kids, or are happy to come round/ have us round/ go out with me and my son.

I think you're being a tad unkind, maybe people have a different view of what and how to manage parenthood.
You keep mentioning being, 'You', I quite like the identity of being a parent. I've recently had surgery, it was lovely to see the messages from the younger people I worked with whilst promoting and working in hospitality.
It's a sign of respect, that despite me forging another lifestyle people still show solidarity and care. I think women take this far too personally, I think you need to give each support and space rather than judging and putting each other under pressure.

I struggle to be a good mother/wife/friend/Daughter/sister/employee and still carve out time just to be myself and look after my mental health. Most of the time my needs and wants are sidelined because that’s just how life is at the moment. I would imagine it’s the same with your friends.

I think this really rings true. Also, when I am juggling all these roles i tend to assume that my child-free friends need me less than my child / elderly parent / stressed partner etc. I assume your child-free friends are having a ball and loving life the way i did before i had kids, not waiting on the next coffee date with me.

@alphapie I get what you're saying and you sound like a great friend doing all that.

I'm missing what the OP is "giving" though, or that she's done a lot for her friends' kids? She's saying that having the kids there is exhausting, going to her friends' houses is boring, etc. She seems unwilling to compromise, so she's going to encounter some inflexibility in return.

Re. the giving a shit about bathtimes, I wasn't saying I did it because I have any particular yen to help out with baths, but because pre-kids my friend and I would meet up for a coffee and a chat. So we did the same thing post-kids, we just moved it to the bathroom 😆 so we were both doing something we enjoyed. It just had a different setting.

All I'm saying is that there are some changes that happen when someone becomes a parent, and you either adapt or you decide it's not for you and step back. I don't agree with all these obligations that people seem to put on their friends - time limit for texts back, certain frequency of meet ups, requirements (has to be child free, can't be in the house). Being a parent and having other priorities, I couldn't dance to that kind of tune.

I can't cut and paste their posts as on my phone, but @Greenginghamdress and @WarmJuly have said so.

Anyway I wasn't on the side of the OP when the thread began and still may not be, but there is definitely a middle ground here between leaving your DC for a weekend afternoon every month and not leaving them for 20 years!

I have older DC now and all I can say is: children leave, you know. Keep your friends close.

Yeah, while my kids are young I’m not regularly dumping them with someone else at the weekend to meet a friend. Sure, if it’s a special occasion or a friend really needed me I’d make the effort but there’s a limited amount of time I can persuade people to look after my kids or that I want to.

That time is precious and I’d rather spend it on things that are really important to me than just catching up with a coffee/lunch/dinner.

I have an almost two year old and another one on the way. Any friends that don’t expect my kids to be there for the majority of our socialising time probably won’t still be my friends by the time I come out of the young kids phase and I’m totally ok with that - something has to give and I’d rather it was losing friends that didn’t understand how different my life is now than time with my kids, my husband or some sanity saving alone time.

That said I do think that cancelling last minute should be avoided once you’re past the really unpredictable baby stage and I do make clear when I’m bringing my daughter with me so friends can decide if they want to do things that involve her or skip it.

You want to meet up on Saturday afternoons without the children? Thing is, if they've been in childcare/school all week, they're going to want to spend time with their parents at the weekend. Life does change when children arrive. The amount of times I've had to cancel or change the time/venue of meeting, because of the kids being tired/ill/babysitter falling through/being so tired from lack of sleep. Perhaps you should look for childless friends? I think they would suit you better.

What I am expecting is to be able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, without the children most times and it not be a huge drama/difficulty. That's all.
You're expecting far too much.

What no one understands until they have children is that children are 24/7/365 days of the year. It is impossible to 'get' this until you live it. You can't have a focused catch up phone call when DC are tiny (unless they are with another adult) because they could be pulling a bookcase down on top of themselves or eating the cat. You never switch off, and friends or family who are childless don't get why.

It's fine for you to drift away. Stay in touch on FB occasionally so when you have DC or when theirs are grown you can slip back into the friendship. DH and I recently started hanging out again with one of our oldest friends who understandably dropped us (no hard feelings) when DC were tiny with SEN and I just couldn;t think about anything else or do anything, ever. No one helkped us and we were both full on 24/7. Now DS2 has turned 18 she magically reappeared in our lives and it is as if she never left. It can happen.

good Babysitters are like gold dust and are needed for when I have absolute essential things to do that I can’t take the kids with me. Things like my hospital appointments etc. My husband works crazy long hours. I’ve fallen behind with things like dental checkups, eye tests and smear tests because it’s so hard to get a babysitter. If you were my friend I’d have to bring the kids with me to our meet ups and you would frown upon that. That’s not how friends treat each other. We could never be friends.

Have you ever said to them how nice it would to see them without the kids, in a nice way obvs, explaining you miss the one on one time....

As much as I like my friends they're way down the list of my priorities, kids always come first and would drop everything else in a heartbeat if I had to.

There are so many threads on friendship at the moment OP - it is a real casualty of the last few years.
I hear you- and I understand that you are not wanting to see each friend EVERY weekend- they would rotate through. Before Covid, it was perfectly normal for people with children to be able to fit in a one hour coffee with a friend every 4 weeks- now, post Covid and especially on Mumsnet, people act like that is unconscionable , and some posters are downright nasty - suggesting you find solo ways to entertain yourself. There is already a loneliness epidemic int his country and it will only get worse if we don't start to understand that humans work best as a collective- your family is important of course- but you are also part of something bigger

Someone's child will always be their priority over you. Why shouldn't they prioritise their children? It would be bizarre if they didnt. Have you asked them why they keep cancelling or are unable to accommodate your needs? Is it every friend with children? Maybe you're the issue?