To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

It sounds like your priorities aren't aligned - not your fault, not their either. Cut them loose if you want, but if you do want to remain friends just accept this will be with kids in tow most of the time.

They don't owe you anything, you don't owe them anything.

I just have different interests and priorities than going on the lash. I think starting at 16 it soon becomes a tad boring, I worked in promotions and hospitality for yrs.
Maybe going to the studio to make some music or buying a sports car or trekking to Everest for instance. We do catch up, 2-3 times a yr.
Plus we're planning another 2 babies so that's me sorted until old age😂.

It's not really though is it? Because having kids was your decision, your choice and what you wanted to do. It's a different kind of self involved, call it 'family unjt selfish', but it's still putting your own wants above those of your friends. Now everyone should be a bit self involved sometimes, but if you constantly put the needs of your family above everyone else then that is TOO self involved, as it's take take take on your part and give give give from your friends.

@ttacticall

FFS she doesn’t need to be their priority for them to spare a few hours every few weeks for a Saturday afternoon child free catch up.

I have 3 friends who don't have children. If they all expected to see me on a Saturday afternoon every 2 months without my own children, I'd lose a lot of family time. Plus throw in hobbies wanting to be alone, going on a date with my other half. Time is hard to come by as a parent

I go out once my kids are in bed. My friends come and meet me before we go for drinks or dinner or the local theatre.

Have to say, you aren't coming across well and ought to find some new friends if these ones aren't meeting your expectations

There are some really nasty comments on this thread about “mummy martyrs” etc. Young children want and need their parents around. Not just to watch them but interact etc. There is no shame in prioritising the child I chose to be responsible for. As for the person saying family time isn’t meaningful, for us it’s playing in the park, doing an activity together in the garden, going to a farm etc. Not just watching TV whilst the adults clean ffs. It is making me very grateful for my lovely group of friends, some without children, some with who all support each other.

My DH is probably more 60:40 with childcare as I work longer hours, but if we took turns to see friends every other week alone (we have more than 1 child free friend, shocker) we’d hardly ever see each other. We do carve out time eg DH had a stag do the other week, I have a concert with friends coming, up but if a friend was expecting once every 2 months child free on a Saturday afternoon, I’d have to let that friendship fade.

@Hrpuffnstuff1

if you only see your mates 2-3 times a year now you’ll literally never see them if you add another two babies into the mix

Your friends either have awful partners if they can't manage a girls evening out or they're just not that interested at this stage

Find some child free friends, and then listen to the mothers complain that their child free friends have dropped them...

It might work better if you do an evening during the week gym based or something health based. Seriously they might be spending money on essential things and are genuinely skint. I know I was

@AppleIsMyName

you still haven’t my question about minor inconveniencing your kids?

you said you wouldn’t meet up with pals if it meant even the most minor, slight inconvenience to your kids

why would it be inconveniencing your children though?

eg you’ve planned to meet up with your childfeee mates one Saturday afternoon, it’s been planned ages and you’ve not see them for about six weeks ahead of that.

how and why would that be inconveniencing your kids?!

can they really not do without you for one afternoon? Are you not worried you are creating an unhealthy dependancy? They’ll be fine! Get yourself out, have a cocktail or two and let your hair down!

I also find it really funny everyone saying parent only talk about their kids, I never talk about my kids IRL only on parenting forums.

Its other people who ask question after question about them. Frankly on my 1 night out every 2 months with friends I dont want to give people a run down of how my kids doing in school or be reminded of how little sleep Im getting by being asked by 7 different people 'ah teething age, are you getting any sleep?'.

Non of my parent friends ask about my kids or talk about theirs though its the child free ones that ask about our kids then tell us in long uninteresting convosations about their cats and theres only so many time you can say 'yep, that sounds just like my cat' because they are all the fucking same.

Us parents just want to chill and listen to music and talk swap recommendations on box sets to watch etc...

I listen and smile though because Im a friend but I have no idea why people thing its parents that are the dullards.

Since having children 20+ years ago I don’t think I have ever been out anywhere without children on a weekend.

Usually if I went out then we would all bring dc with us.

Nearly all of my mum friends are single parents and I didn’t have anyone to look after dc because Dh worked abroad 3 weeks out of every 4

The only times we went out without dc were when the stars aligned and Dh was back home for a week and my other friends had packed off their dc to their gps, or their estranged father had decided to play daddy time or dc were on a residential school trip or having a sleepover with a school friend

You can count the times that happened on one hand

I know that it seems like an excuse but just being without your child even for a few hours when they are a young age can seem like a huge part of you is missing and your mind is just filled with what they are doing and if they are ok.

Baby sitters, other parents, relatives etc looking after your children when you go out seems an easy solution but it doesn’t make you feel at ease. There is a gaping hole where this little person should be

It does get better but not whilst they are still in primary school.

I have only just got used to not being with Dd everyday and she is in her 20s

Here is that sweeping generalisation from mums that child free people are expecting to see them every week. I don't think anyone has said that. Its been more realistic like once a few months or instead of every time we do meet its with the children that maybe 1 in 3 meet ups is without the children.

The point being a balance and suitable compromises on both sides. Instead what often happens is compromise is only one sided and its never appreciated by the person who just won't compromise at all.

Exactly.

Like it or not OP, a lot of this is what happens when people have kids. You are further down the pecking order now than you were, it's just a fact. Equally you have no obligation whatsoever to carry on trying to maintain friendships on these changed terms. People change, you're allowed to respond to that.

I was the childless friend for years and years. Just got on with it, met up at soft plays and developed good relationships with my friends children.

Now I have children of my own, we all just knock about together and the older kids look after mine in the softplay (so me and friend can have a coffee in peace) or in the morning when they stay over which gives me a bit of a lay in. It has really paid off haha!

I think your expectations just need to change. If you can't do that then maybe fine different friends?

What on earth are the friends giving?

The only thing OP is giving is tantrums, demands and ultimatums.

The mothers litrally arent taking or asking for anything, its OP that wants something.

Sorry op but yabu. Children are fucking draining & while they were wee I dutifully went to see friends. I didn't have lots of childcare available & was knackered by The weekend. Have you ever offered to look after the friends dc for an hour or 2? That would be well received I'm sure. And would show that you're a good friend & not just after filling your own time. I know it's hard because after children plenty of us have no chat!

Until you become a parent you have no idea how it changes every aspect of your life and priorities.

Things that were once as simple as a weekend catch up now means having to consider, who’s available to watch the kid, how your going to get to the meet-up and get home, do they have any classes/play dates/parties that weekend and can I actually be bothered to go, do I want to go out or do I actually want some family time after a week at work.

For example, me and DH both work shifts including weekends, we have no family support so one of us always has the child (roll on nursery September!) so arranging a catch up means I have to make sure he’s off and hasn’t got plans so he can watch DD else I would have to take her with me. That being said, I do try do a girls cocktail afternoon once every couple months so it is doable but as others have said a weekly fortnightly even monthly child free afternoon wouldn’t really be doable for me. I get the odd hour in the week but try to use this for beauty appointments, gym classes etc.

You sound quite selfish and unable to see it from other peoples perspective so I wonder if your friends constant knock backs is them trying to phase you out, especially if you appear ‘bored’ in their company and are clearly disinterested in their children and life as it stands currently. Unfortunately we’re not 19 forever!

@LuckySantangelo35 to answer the question - you assume that I have only one group of friends. In reality, most people are friends with a few people individually, or in small groups. I can only bring all my friends together for my birthday - they dont know each other, live far away from each other, are not in the same thing as each other. so whilst i can see a friend on my own on a weekend every 6-8 weeks, it wont be the same person and the childfree friend would still be complaining that am not seeing them enough

A good friend will be there long after children have grown up, if you treat them properly.

Your children will be in your life as long as you/they live...? Family are far less transient than friendships.

I've grown up and got children of my own and still regularly spend time with my mum and dad.

@Kennykenkencat

”I know that it seems like an excuse but just being without your child even for a few hours when they are a young age can seem like a huge part of you is missing and your mind is just filled with what they are doing and if they are ok.”

er no, I never experienced this

Also I guarantee about 99% of men will never have felt like that

@mam0918 friends are wanting OP to arrange everything round them.

@SexyLittleNosferatu spot on, that’s the reality. It’s dressed up as many other things but it’s people with children channelling their self absorption into something for their children

@LuckySantangelo35 That's the whole point! She's been trying for years and they've shown they are not prepared to do that for her.
I'm just saying she should cut her losses.

@InChocolateWeTrust

Nah there is no guarantee of that!

your kids may move half way across the country they may even emigrate! They will have their own lives to lead. They grow up and they spread their wings. It’s life it’s natural.

when that happens you will be grateful to have your pals