To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

I'd rather meet in evenings tbh. Even now my kids are grown up and do t need a babysitter. Weekend days were full of grandparents parties etc. It would be hard to fit in and enjoy the time wit h a child free friend and I would Want to enjoy.

I would prefer to leave kids with dh and go for a nice child free meal or drink in the evening to properly catch up.

Sounds like you're at the end of your tether after loads of (individually) small things building up. I love spending time with my friends both with and without our children and we do both, but day times tend to be with kids and night times without. It does change the dynamic when the children are there.

Those who you want to keep a friendship with, can you ask them to suggest a child free time/activity that suits them?

Well having more money is better than having less money - yes - colour me surprised but since you don’t appear to think parenting and parenthood don’t make a financial difference in the cost of living crisis - let me rework that question -

If two households are each on 70k - and one household has children, the other have none - which household is more affected? Why do you think that might be? Because……..

..:

Having financial responsibilities linked to having children makes a difference yes?

Chiming in with everyone else, i think you need to be flexible and maybe get new friends. Lets see it from the parents' perspective. I have a totally hands on husband. I also have five-six dear friends whom I would love to meet up with. I can certainly go out at least once a week - midweek in the evening. However, on a weekend - that would be once a month that I could take an afternoon off to see a friend. Keep in mind that DH would also be able to do that. Adding this up - without my kid I would only see a friend once a month i.e. an individual friend once every six months because i have to rotate my six friends across my social calendar.

In answer to your question, yes I can go out once a month without my child but because you would not be my only friend then i would only see you twice a year. However, if I could bring my kid with you then perhaps I could do that every two-three months. DH would be very happy for me to take the kids and for him to take time off or do some chores. Thats the reality for a parent who has a very very supporting partner.

In reality, if you would like to fill every weekend - then you will need to have a lot, a lot more friends. Or childfree friends who can meet up more often

Excuse me.. I have 2 babies under 3 so IDK what unhealthy self dependency you're talking about. What can a 3 year old and 1 year old do for their-selves? And do you guys think I absolutely never leave the house and enjoy myself? LOL

Yeah my life is soooooooooo sad :( Tiny violin for me.

You’re being completely ridiculous. My friends who didn’t have kids did have to put up with seeing me with my kids most of the time whilst they were young but still managed to talk and see each other. They also stayed with me and helped me out with them and then we had kid free time in the evenings when they were in bed.

you know what I always found strange - some new mums (kids under 5) were so much happier to just chill and talk about other things and maybe see you for a quick coffee and keep it moving

others, bloody hell, if they’re not talking about their kids they’re talking about difficult it is to see you, how tired they are, how little Annabelle is able to count backwards and rah rah

and if you dare try to change the subject “you don’t understand what it’s like” uhhh yes I do. I have actually had. A child

genuinely some new mums honestly behave like they’re the only people in the world who have ever had kids. It’s so self important and dull. I dropped those people out and honestly couldn’t care less. Might send a merry Christmas text if I can be bothered. I also decline any invites. Once their kids turn like 5 they want to meet up and chat, not realising that just as their life has moved on… so has yours

qoll "yes I can go out once a month without my child"

but why only once a month?

AppleIsMyName will that mumsnetter that comes back in 20 yrs time complaining how hard it is to make friends now the kids have left the house or be on here complaining how the kids don't visit much or we will see her kids post on here about how their mum is so overly involved in their lives and suffocating them and wish they could tell her to get her own friends and have her own life.

😆

I understand OPs frustration, but equally if her friends want to spend time with their dc, don't have childcare or can't drop everything for a text chat that's also ok.

Sometimes friends change and drift apart, it's sad but it happens and it sounds like that is where the OP and her parent friends are. No one is being unreasonable here if OP decides to cool the friendships.

I very much have a social life away from my dc when I can. But with very little childcare and only really weekends to spend time with them it's not always possible.

Yes as a baby they are easy enough to take along to an event or restaurant but when you hit the toddler years and beyond it's a nightmare. Suddenly the cute tiny baby napping is a whirlwind 2 year old or complaining, bored 6 year old that annoys everyone and it's not enjoyable. And that's not being a martyr, I just know that it's not cute when my toddler is squawking at passers by because today he's a raptor (thanks Dino Dana 😒)

Not even in 20 years. I actually now understand the amount of posts with peole having no frienda whosoever to ask for x and y or to chat

While I haven't read the full thread and I do think the OP is perhaps being a little inflexible, I do sort of get her point, in a way.
The answers in the first three pages (as far as I got) illustrate her point pretty well I think.
I often wonder how child-centric these uber-parents were before they had children themselves? For better or worse, children used to fit into the parents' lifestyle, but now it seems everything - everything - revolves around children and that new invention, 'family time'.
Today's parents, seem unable to compute that their children are really not that interesting to other people and that adults should not expect their arrangements to be altered at the whim of a child's nap.
People without children don't fully understand, but they don't need to. A good friend will be there long after children have grown up, if you treat them properly.
Being a parent should be just one aspect of your life, not all of it.

This thread gets crazier and crazier.

Most people are just trying to figure out parenting, winging it, doing whatever seems to work at the time... And then some come onto a parenting forum and get told they're being martyrs because they're not taking their kids to Bilbao for tapas, or selfish because they'd mostly rather go to the park with the husband and kids than out for lunch with a friend.

I don't feel like mums can win, ever. So much chat on here about why mums feel like X and dads don't... It's this kind of thing! From other women! It's just taking a slightly different guise today.

Whatever happened to freedom of choice is what I say.

I think you're right op. It's a horrible thing in our modern world.

Girl, you are free to cease the friendships. Please think of yourself here. Are you going to continue living in a way you don't particularly enjoy or are you going to move on?
You likely will have kids eventually and understand the struggles mothers have but until then, you don't need to live like you have those as well as your friends, because you don't. Don't waste the the time you have being unhappy.

- every meet includes the kids - without consultation it's just a given now. Every knows a parent is distracted and conversation not the same when this happens

I am going to say YANBU. On your point above have you ever asked your friends if you could meet up "sans kids" or are you just accepting of it? There is a tactful and subtle way of asking of course. Perhaps they just don't realise you'd like one on one occasionally and I can't imagine it's always that difficult unless there is simply no childcare available at all.

On your other points that is frustrating especially not responding to texts or being tardy in responding. I think it's difficult to find new friends so I don't think those suggestions are necessarily helpful. It's not always easy either to make new friends suddenly either.

Try speaking to them....

it is litrally the OPPOSIT of self involved to dedicate every second of your time to other people to the point you dont have any spare time to hang out for 'fun'.

How many texts without response do you think is reasonable?

@Dreamstate Hahaha they better not be posting about me, ill still be browsing on here occasionally, even at 48.

@Bubblebubblebah Where are you guys getting the notion that I don't have friends from?

There was a poster that quoted me and said I'm gonna be a lonely old woman if I don't start hanging out etc so I was replying to her comment when I said "I'd rather be a lonely old woman...." Does this suggest to you that I don't have any friends? No.

@daysayso Just stop trying with your friends, you'll never be the priority and it sounds like they will be relieved not to have the burden of fitting in meetings with you around their kids.
No need to end the friendships formally, just don't make any further effort. You might find you can pick up again in a few years but don't waste any more of your energy now.
Try if you can to make new friends with people who don't have young children.

Of course you can win, you can have a little empathy for others, even if your situation at home has changed.

Many on here are showing the exact issue the OP is facing, parents becoming self absorbed, or family absorbed once having a child. With 0 care to how that impacts others that were important to them. Especially since childless friends often are the most helpful to parents when expecting, then once baby is born they're dropped like a log.

It's hardly impossible to reply to a text from your friend within a few weeks, or go for one meet up without the kids every 2 months.

@Belephant

ok. So it doesn’t have to be drinking.

But there must be things you like doing outside of being a mum and family time that you can do with friends? Do them.

It’s not about drinking per se, it’s about making sure you still retain some time for you as a person who matters every bit as much as their kids

That actually made me lol

If you want to meet every two months, say both sets of grandparents want to meet monthly, siblings once a month (assume one each parent) and other friends (say three per parent every two months), that's 14 meetups in an 8 week period. That's without domestic duties, family time, illness, general life like buying children's shoes or other children's parties etc. YABU.