To want to cease friends with many of my friends that have children

[daysayso]

NC for this, I am really struggling to maintain friendships with most of my mom friends.

I think as much as having children becomes consuming it's not entirely fair to think you can treat people like crap or not bother with them on the basis you now have children and expect them to still just take it.

I am being a bit harsh when I say I want to stop friendships and perhaps unrealistic but certainly stop bothering as much if at all.

I am just burned out, exhausted by it. And I'm sure may posters will say oh it is what happens when you have kids - but equally I have a life too and when it's becoming unenjoyable I don't want to bother anymore

There's a line and I think I'm being pushed past it far too often - this has been happening now for years and I have just had enough

One thing this thread has made think about is how, at this time in my life, when my kids are self sufficient, my youngest is immunocompromised but doing fantastic well taking care of his own health, friendships are important.

I don't have pets. Part because we didn't know how long we'd be in Australia when we came as expats with a Spanish multinational, and part because we wanted the freedom to go where we wanted without thinking about our responsibilites to the animal.

Yet, the friendhsips we've developed in Australia means we're caring for their pets when their mom/dad want to go interstate or overseas. We didn't want the responsability to have one of my own but love helping friends with their pets.

You sound hurt and upset which isn’t coming across well in your response however I get that its rubbish and if you were my friend and wanted an evening meal out every 3 months (providing I wasn’t breastfeeding and baby was over 1.5years) I would jump at the chance.

The texting back and forgetting does happen, it’s just a lot of juggle with kids.

I would text your friends and ask for a child free evening meal, but phrase it more as a treat for them. You know they don’t get much time to themselves and it’s hectic being a parent so you want to take them out for dinner one evening when DH can watch the kids. If you did 7pm then the mum could help do an early bath before coming out etc.

@AppleIsMyName

why would it be inconveniencing your children though?

eg you’ve planned to meet up with your childfeee mates one Saturday afternoon, it’s been planned ages and you’ve not see them for about six weeks ahead of that.

how and why would that be inconveniencing your kids?!

can they really not do without you for one afternoon? Are you not worried you are creating an unhealthy dependancy? They’ll be fine! Get yourself out, have a cocktail or two and let your hair down!

@LuckySantangelo35 great, but surely you can see that what was right for you may not be right for others?

I only say this, as your posts seem to be very judgmental towards people making different choices from you.

One of my children only slept in two-hour bursts for three years. One of my children would only sleep on me for six months.

It turns out they're both neurodiverse, but I didn't know that at the time. And neurodiversity is not uncommon, and not the only reason that parents of young children can feel overwhelmed.

I'm afraid you sound self-congratulatory, smug and intolerant. My friends stuck with me because they love me! And I love them!

You are expecting too much from them, so yes I do think you need to find similar people.

Would you be like this if they were caring for a loved one or elderly relative? It's not much different, but most people would have different attitudes to that, which is strange. They might even have issues finding childcare, so can't see you without kids. My eldest is 7 and we have literally had five nights out together those 7 years as we can't get babysitter.

So yes ditch the friends if you find it frustrating, and find childless friends that can give you the attention you want, but do bear in mind that could change again.

For everyone mentioning me about my post, Ill just answer all of you here. I'd rather be a lonely old woman with ZERO friends then to inconvenience my children

This is really sad, and you're actually proud of it.

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Santangelo 35 suggestion of meeting every 6 weeks to go on the lash isn't realistic for most families. Certainly for me wouldn't be on my list of things to enjoy, but I think I've grown out of that. Even when we meet for an all-day sesh, I still get up at 7-8 am and start my daily duites.”

it works for all the families I know

its great!

you wanna try it sometime - let your hair down! It’s still Allowed even when you become a parent you know

I get you OP. I find going out with friends and their kids tedious, I found it tedious before I had a baby of my own and it’s even more tedious now that they expect me to want to come out with multiple families all at the same time for ‘family fun’. It’s so not fun.

why would it be inconveniencing your children though?

eg you’ve planned to meet up with your childfeee mates one Saturday afternoon, it’s been planned ages and you’ve not see them for about six weeks ahead of that.

how and why would that be inconveniencing your kids?!

can they really not do without you for one afternoon? Are you not worried you are creating an unhealthy dependancy? They’ll be fine! Get yourself out, have a cocktail or two and let your hair down!

All of this!

Mind you, I'm a weirdo who loves kids pretty much indiscriminately, & finds them great company. Different strokes.

I can’t tell you how many times I’d meet up with a friend to find they’ve brought a child in tow (sometimes even a teenager) because ‘they wanted to come too’. I never said anything but I would feel disappointed and frustrated (and I’m a mother myself) as I sometimes just wanted a little bit of adult time.

i have a couple of friends who don't have children and its the opposite for me, i organize that i have someone there with the kids, and make plans and at the last minute they have let me down, sorry we can do it again, somethings come up, they obviously don't see the planning i have to do to get out, ....so i just don't bother with them, it works both ways is what I'm trying to say.

I'm afraid you sound self-congratulatory, smug and intolerant

We have a 13 page thread of people essentially whinging about how so very hard being a parent is (nobody made you reproduce) and throwing veiled and not so veiled insults at the OP, and anyone else who "sounds childfree". Yet the only person you choose to insult is the one lone voice who goes against the majority opinion?

@HarmALlama

who is sounding smug and self-congratulatory now?

u are such a superior being with your love of all children

well done you 😬

This thread makes me so mad. All these people explaining how easy it is to get out and spend hours hanging out with friends when you have kids. You can honestly all fuck off. I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. My partner and I both work full time. I also travel for work regularly. I desperately wish I had time to do fun things with my mates. But I can't as we're totally maxed out. As are all my friends with more than 1 child. The free time I do manage to carve out, I certainly don't waste hanging out with moany cows like the OP. I also love the idea from one PP that I should take my kids to the museum, Bilboa and an art class. Ffs.

Ok

You aren't being unreasonable.
You need to find new friends.

I'm with the OP, i have childten but i don't expect to always bring them, and honestly i love being invited to things where i don't have to bring them, i've no interest in spending the whole weekend with them for 'family time', honestly struggling to understand why once a month or whatever parents can't spare and hour or 2 to have coffee or lunch with a friend.

Evenings are always better for me as DH can do bedtime

I'm so grateful for my friends with kids who absolutely put in the effort not to become bores with nothing and noone in their lives except their kids.

My friend has a 9 month old baby, since they were born they've run the full range of social event styles. Been to multiple weddings and events without him, come over for an adults only evening once or twice, hosted us for dinner parties once baby is asleep, come on holiday with a group of friends with the baby, come to restaurants with the baby, attended hobby days with us with the baby, and then sometimes we do stuff like walk with them to the park while they get the baby to sleep or take them on the swings.

It's not fair to expect parents to be available at the drop of a hat for whatever child free social event you want, but equally it's not fair for parents to suddenly expect all their friends to revolve around their child's needs and like it or lump it. With some planning and determination I've seen many parents lead rich social lives, and if you put the effort in to occasionally do something adults-only you find your childless friends a lot more willing to spend other time with the child.

You're "exhausted," seriously?

I have a slightly different perspective here. The poster you're replying to said they don't want to go on nights out anymore. But lots of people on the thread seem to insinuate that mothers should go out with their friends and "let their hair down" otherwise they are "mummy martyrs".

To me this is just another thing to add to the list of things women are pressured to do, and in fact pressured into wanting to do.

I don't like going out drinking anymore. I've not liked it for years. But people often go on at me and tell me I should go out and "let my hair down" now I'm a mother. What if I just don't want to?! I've outgrown that sort of thing, personally. This preference was respected far more before I became a mother than after.

Not many people are claiming it's easy but a few of us are claiming it is possible and worth it. Both for ourselves and for the other friend. Not as often as OP thinks but this idea that any childfree time is abandoning your children is silly.

I'm not a mummy martyr. I don't "feel I have to" spend time with my children.

I miss them all week when I'm working because I love them and I like spending time with them. They are funny and sweet and lovely and I enjoy them.

I haven't found it to be an issue seeing friends or exercising or doing hobbies in the evenings either

I feel the same. Many of my older friends are in the age group of having kids and tbh, conversation and keeping in touch felt very one sided. So this year I decided to stop. As much to see how long it took for anyone to reach out to me and it's clarified things. I'm focusing my efforts on friends who don't have kids, or lead a more social life, or who I share regular hobbies with.

It's the way it's gone, has made me incredibly sad, has made me question if it's me imposing myself or even if i'm likeable any more. But I am coming to terms with the fact parents just have too much to think about/do for their little ones without having to think about old friends who no longer serve a practical purpose in their new lifestyle ☹️

OP I don't know what your plan is but I would quietly stop contacting them, don't make a big deal.

Some will return and some won't and you can decide who you want in your life.