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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect DP to be a bit more grateful?

165 replies

CampariKid · 11/07/2022 21:02

I have been with DP 4 years. In lockdown we moved in together. So there’s me and my two teens, my dog and his cat. My flat wasn’t big enough so we rented together and since I earn good money I paid most of the rent (85%). Last year we moved into a slightly bigger house and as lockdown had stymied his career I pay 100% of the rent, most of the food bills and all other bills, including the car, except gas and leccy which he pays. He’s retraining and has another year of college before he can set up his own biz. The 4 days a week he isn’t at college he does agency work which is hard work and badly paid but allows him to pay for cat food and wine and his course fees. So 6 weeks ago, ootb, our landlord announces he is selling up and gave us two months notice. So now, on top of a really intense full time job, getting an over anxious DD thru alevels, a dying father and a suspect heart problem which is necessitating lots of investigation we need to find a new place to rent at precisely the time rents have skyrocketed and you have to pounce like a rental ninja to be in with even a whisker of getting a viewing let alone a chance to offer. And here’s the issue, I’ve done all the hunting and agent stroking and viewings with DD - we’ve made video walkthroughs and plans and we’ve seen A LOT of places. It’s affecting my work, my sleep and my sanity (which I have expressed) but literally every time I find something I think is ok Mr Moany finds something wrong with it. Not big enough, garden facing wrong way, wrong kind of hob etc etc. We are being evicted in a months time and today I find a place that is pretty perfect - he’s at work so I take time off again to view, send him the video and as there is another offer and I can’t afford to lose it I make the offer. DD spends the afternoon making it in Sims so she can show him where all the furniture will go and for the first time in weeks I felt relief. And apparently that’s a very bad thing because…it will take him 15 mins longer to get to work. I know earning less is pants, and I do everything in my power not to emasculate him but AIBU to have expected a well done or a thank you for securing us a (very nice albeit small) flat that he can live in for nothing. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

OP posts:
lilkiki · 11/07/2022 21:03

I got up to “I pay 100% of the rent… “

bloodywhitecat · 11/07/2022 21:04

If he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 11/07/2022 21:04

Move into the flat YOU want!
He is a guest as far as I can tell from your post, sod the emasculation BS. Honesty, some people don't know they're born!

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 11/07/2022 21:05

I'm ever so sorry but I think you know what the answer is, don't you?

weltenbummler · 11/07/2022 21:07

I think the flat sounds like just the right size for you , your teenagers and your dog. Leave Mr cocklodger/ moany to make his own arrangements

Meraas · 11/07/2022 21:08

He is a cocklodger and the eviction is a sign that you need to find a place for you and your dc but tell him he can’t move in with you.

Come on, OP, you know what you have to do.

ToastedWaffle · 11/07/2022 21:08

Why are you putting up with this??

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2022 21:09

Op, you have been willingly bankrolling a world class cocklodger for ages now, and you really think this man is going to be supportive? He saw you coming from light years away.

Take off the blinders and get rid of this loser. What a horrible example you've been making for your daughter.

Shoxfordian · 11/07/2022 21:10

She who pays the piper apparently doesn’t call the tune…. Stop being a mug

Soggycrisps · 11/07/2022 21:10

Genuine question...why does he get a say in it since he's not paying and not pulling his weight with the viewings?

TowelChair · 11/07/2022 21:10

Why are you with him? He sounds like a moaning liability

Lineala · 11/07/2022 21:11

I hope the sex is good because he isn't bringing anything else into the relationship is he?

RightOnTheEdge · 11/07/2022 21:11

You, dcs and the dog move into the house, him and the cat can find somewhere else to live if it's not good enough for him.

FlissyPaps · 11/07/2022 21:12

Expecting him to be more grateful is the bare minimum here OP! His job/studying/pay aren’t excuses to be lazy!!!

GCAcademic · 11/07/2022 21:12

Since the new living arrangement is not to his liking, he can find himself somewhere else to live.

The resentment in your OP is palpable. Do you actually want him to move with you? And is this the sort of relationship you want your daughter to understand as normal? It’s not really a partnership, by the sounds of it, is it?

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 21:14

Well he has certainly landed on his feet, hasn't he? Sad

I'm sorry OP

NamiSwan · 11/07/2022 21:15

weltenbummler · 11/07/2022 21:07

I think the flat sounds like just the right size for you , your teenagers and your dog. Leave Mr cocklodger/ moany to make his own arrangements

This ^ with bells on

MarshaMelrose · 11/07/2022 21:17

You're paying for it. You choose which one suits you and your DD best and if he doesn't like it, he can buzz off.

merryhouse · 11/07/2022 21:18

"well darling you don't have to come with us. You go and find yourself somewhere nearer work"

MarshaMelrose · 11/07/2022 21:19

There's so much going on in your life that you can't control, but this is something you definitely and easily can. High stress levels and a heart condition are not good companions so just choose what will make you happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2022 21:20

...literally every time I find something I think is ok Mr Moany finds something wrong with it. Not big enough, garden facing wrong way, wrong kind of hob etc etc.

You are allowing this freeloader's list of absurd demands to come before finding a decent home for your children. Unbelievable.

Cherrysoup · 11/07/2022 21:20

Why are you tolerating this shit?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 11/07/2022 21:21

Firstly, are you 'getting evicted' or does your section 21 notice expire? It's not the same thing.

secondly, ditch the freeloader and move to a lovely place just with your kids.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 11/07/2022 21:22

I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh

Only a bit?

He's living rent and bill free while completing his course he's paid for.

WAKE UP

Starseeking · 11/07/2022 21:23

I hope you made an offer on this new flat.

Tell your DP you and your teens are moving in there, and if he wants a key, he needs to contribute fairly to costs. I doubt you'd see him for dust after asking that, and it would be a very good thing too.