To expect DP to be a bit more grateful?

[CampariKid]

I have been with DP 4 years. In lockdown we moved in together. So there’s me and my two teens, my dog and his cat. My flat wasn’t big enough so we rented together and since I earn good money I paid most of the rent (85%). Last year we moved into a slightly bigger house and as lockdown had stymied his career I pay 100% of the rent, most of the food bills and all other bills, including the car, except gas and leccy which he pays. He’s retraining and has another year of college before he can set up his own biz. The 4 days a week he isn’t at college he does agency work which is hard work and badly paid but allows him to pay for cat food and wine and his course fees. So 6 weeks ago, ootb, our landlord announces he is selling up and gave us two months notice. So now, on top of a really intense full time job, getting an over anxious DD thru alevels, a dying father and a suspect heart problem which is necessitating lots of investigation we need to find a new place to rent at precisely the time rents have skyrocketed and you have to pounce like a rental ninja to be in with even a whisker of getting a viewing let alone a chance to offer. And here’s the issue, I’ve done all the hunting and agent stroking and viewings with DD - we’ve made video walkthroughs and plans and we’ve seen A LOT of places. It’s affecting my work, my sleep and my sanity (which I have expressed) but literally every time I find something I think is ok Mr Moany finds something wrong with it. Not big enough, garden facing wrong way, wrong kind of hob etc etc. We are being evicted in a months time and today I find a place that is pretty perfect - he’s at work so I take time off again to view, send him the video and as there is another offer and I can’t afford to lose it I make the offer. DD spends the afternoon making it in Sims so she can show him where all the furniture will go and for the first time in weeks I felt relief. And apparently that’s a very bad thing because…it will take him 15 mins longer to get to work. I know earning less is pants, and I do everything in my power not to emasculate him but AIBU to have expected a well done or a thank you for securing us a (very nice albeit small) flat that he can live in for nothing. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

Find the place that you want to live in with your kids at a rent that you can afford.
Just get it done. You & your kids need a stable home life. These are your priorities.

This fella is taking the piss.
’The 4 days a week he isn’t at college he does agency work which is hard work and badly paid but allows him to pay for cat food and wine and his course fees’ He does agency work three days a week & all he can afford is cat food, course fees …& wine? Are you subsidising all of his expenses? Does he not have a plan to manage his student loan?

Somehow I get the sense that he’s spun you a line that lockdown was a great opportunity to get together & make it through. But you seem to have acquired a lodger who is not pulling his weight. You have tried living together for a couple of years, it’s not working. Time for you both to move on.

Imagine how pissed off your DD is after her enthusiasm for the new flat & work to present it as a great option, how disappointed she must feel how he’s negged it out of hand.

Is this the example of a good man & equal partnership that you want to present to your children.

OP, marry me or let this guy follow course. I wish my wife was so buccaneering. You made the right choice, screw the 15 mins if he didn't put any work into it.

And (as if you needed another "and") you seem to be treating him almost as another child in your family. Which is not a healthy relationship for you, even if everything else was perfect. Which clearly it isn't.

I know it's not for me to judge your relationship, but you could get a gardener and somebody to do the cooking for you. And if, as suggested by others, he's marvellous in bed ...

You asked if you were being unreasonable "To expect DP to be a bit more grateful?" Sounds like any grateful would be a start. But it's hardly the point.

As said by others, don't let him be anything more than a house guest. NOT on the tenancy/lease. Even that won't necessarily stop his rights, should he decide to get awkward. And someone who can complain about the longer journey, when you've done so much and he so little, can get pretty damned awkward.

Get Rid. And find something/someone more able to share with you instead of TAKE FROM YOU.

Good luck.

exactly how much wine and cat food buying does it take to make this man a prince? If the answer is any less than a tanker full and a ton then you are being seriously shortchanged.

15 minutes, how will 15 minutes impact his life?

He's a cocklodger that's totally taking the piss! Get rid, he sounds like a pain in the arse.

The way things have turned out your right.this is no way to live for you and not fair.
Buuut it's also very easy for us to sit and give un connected,seeing situations on paper,disconnected opinions. All we see is a story.but we don't have the time,years,emotion and even love you do or others do when they come on here or live it.
So there is also his side of the story we don't see.how much he might care for you.how hard getting a job.his feelings on having to sponge off you.who knows.
And the big one.do you love eachother.you must have once to get this far.so what's next is easy for us.leave him how could he do this ( the moaning bit does put him in a shit light when he should be grateful tbf) or sit and talk to him and make something change.
Because you can't go on like this.or you can but he has got to feel himself bloody lucky and appreciate you and let you have this house with a smile and a thankyou.
There are ALL sorts of reasons in life when one person who loves their partner has to carry them for a wee while.becayse especially in current climate shit really does happen. But only you no if this is one of those situations and things can get better.and or if you even want them to...want him.
You and your dd sound brilliant.a right good team.
Go get this place.
Don't let him stop you.
Then go from there.
But don't lose this place!!!

Er you won’t be kicking him out, he’s being evicted and hasn’t secured alternative accommodation. Yes your partner is an entitled fucker but my god woman, you’ve been a doormat. Terrible relationship role model.

If you are paying for it then you choose the place that suits you and your DC. If he doesn't like it he can go find somewhere by himself. Don't show him any more properties. Make the decision yourself.

He is a cocklodger
Show him the door

Take the flat
Don't invite him along
He is NOT your responsibility or problem
You need to prioritise your kids and your health
Fwiw I'm re training whilst working FT and earning 40k. I do it at evenings and weekends.
The guy's a joke.

This.

PLUS you've got her pandering to hum, making models in sims etc. Is this how you want her to see relationships? Do you want her to accept her future partner being so lazy and difficult, trying to control how she spends her money yet contributing nothing himself. She deserves better, as do you!

Lockdown was a blessing for Cocklodgers everywhere, an easy excuse to move in and let someone else pay for everything.
Having to move is your ideal time to get rid Op, move on and leave him behind. He's a grown man, let him support himself.
Please don't weaken and let this go on, he'll be living off you for years to come

Fucking hell. He's got it made hasn't he?! Stop enabling him and setting a bad example for your children. Get rid of the freeloader.

Op, you owe him nothing. He's not your husband or even the kids dad. You have been bank rolling him and the kids are even trying to convince him. Teach your girls better and dump him or take the property and he can either come with or find his own.

If he's not helping to find somewhere then he can jog on. You aren't a team. If he was working with you as a team I would change my reply.

Don't teach your girls to bend over and appease a man. Especially when it is a boyfriend...

My mum did that....3 times. We no longer talk

He’s an adult,

You are an adult.

If you want the flat, move into it.

If he doesn’t like it, tough.

He isn’t paying the rent so he doesn’t get a say.

Hes an absolute pisstaker op
You choose the new place and tell him he can come if he steps up if not he can ship out

My cat was sooo cute and loveable so it was a pleasure to buy him dreamies. He really loved the most expensive catfood and ate it all up. Then he wanted it four times a day. Then he would meow loudly and angrily if we didn’t feed him fast enough. Finally, he started licking plastic and vomiting if he didn’t get dreamies and most expensive cat food on demand. Now he’s on the healthy dry food the vet recommended. No matter how many times he licks plastic or meows that is what he is fed. There’s a parable in there somewhere…

He sounds like an extra child! Can he really not manage his life without someone to pay his way? Not sexy!

I actually felt really angry when I read that your daughter has furnished your (yes your) house to please him. When you say yourself that the house is pretty perfect. Do you honestly not see what message you are sending to your daughter? That is heartbreaking and concerning.

Spot on.

Also, you sound like a more than capable woman so you’ll do just fine or I’d say better without him.

Do not let him move in even for a day in the new house, you’ll never get him out again. Now is the perfect time to say enough is enough, snd think about yourself and your family!

Ugh these threads make me so angry. Why do men get away with doing less than the bare minimum. Get rid he's been housed for FREE from YOUR pocket and has the audacity to complain🤢

It does sound as though you have been a little emasculating toward him - after all the situation of a man supporting a non earning woman through this or that course is common and no one here as a problem with that, especially when they cook and clean (as he does).

I know the responses here will always be anti the man, but think OP, if he did begin to make money and you lost your job, would he kick you out? What kind of guy would he be if he did that? Judge yourself by that standard.

if he isn’t the childrens father in spite of those here saying think of the example your setting, I can’t help but think getting rid of their father and the long term boyfriend is a great axample for your daughter either.

@jalapenita He cooks and cleans apparently. Many women who do the same have been and are housed from mens pockets. Yet no outrage.

You have allowed him to be like this with making it all too easy for him. A little bit of rent then none? Wake up and move on.