To expect DP to be a bit more grateful?

[CampariKid]

I have been with DP 4 years. In lockdown we moved in together. So there’s me and my two teens, my dog and his cat. My flat wasn’t big enough so we rented together and since I earn good money I paid most of the rent (85%). Last year we moved into a slightly bigger house and as lockdown had stymied his career I pay 100% of the rent, most of the food bills and all other bills, including the car, except gas and leccy which he pays. He’s retraining and has another year of college before he can set up his own biz. The 4 days a week he isn’t at college he does agency work which is hard work and badly paid but allows him to pay for cat food and wine and his course fees. So 6 weeks ago, ootb, our landlord announces he is selling up and gave us two months notice. So now, on top of a really intense full time job, getting an over anxious DD thru alevels, a dying father and a suspect heart problem which is necessitating lots of investigation we need to find a new place to rent at precisely the time rents have skyrocketed and you have to pounce like a rental ninja to be in with even a whisker of getting a viewing let alone a chance to offer. And here’s the issue, I’ve done all the hunting and agent stroking and viewings with DD - we’ve made video walkthroughs and plans and we’ve seen A LOT of places. It’s affecting my work, my sleep and my sanity (which I have expressed) but literally every time I find something I think is ok Mr Moany finds something wrong with it. Not big enough, garden facing wrong way, wrong kind of hob etc etc. We are being evicted in a months time and today I find a place that is pretty perfect - he’s at work so I take time off again to view, send him the video and as there is another offer and I can’t afford to lose it I make the offer. DD spends the afternoon making it in Sims so she can show him where all the furniture will go and for the first time in weeks I felt relief. And apparently that’s a very bad thing because…it will take him 15 mins longer to get to work. I know earning less is pants, and I do everything in my power not to emasculate him but AIBU to have expected a well done or a thank you for securing us a (very nice albeit small) flat that he can live in for nothing. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

I like this. And this...

Cocklodgers should be bright and cheery, not moaning old buggers either.

I do think that not everything can be measured in financial terms for everyone. There are some people who pay for their partners to SAH/do what they want because of the joy that relationship brings them. They are relaxed, their partners are happy and actually the relationship works well for everyone. It's a bit like housing a lovely, furry designer cat...like a pampered Persian cat who rubs itself against you when you come home, and although a spoilt little furball, is generally so loveable and such a pleasure to have around that it doesn't really matter. This is not the relationship model I would choose but it works for some people (mostly people who are well off and have money to spare).

But in your case, it sounds like your priority should be you and your two teens and providing a decent life for the three of you. And your partner has become a rather expensive hobby that is no longer bringing you any joy. You have no obligation to him to stay in a relationship which is not making you happy just so he is materially provided for - as pp have pointed out, he's your partner (and someone you should be having fun with), not your child who you are obliged to care for.

jesus christ op he didnt like the hob? ffs get rid of him

Gee, might be something to do with the fact that those women tend to have birthed his children and has given up work to raise them.

@Wollycraft66 slightly different if a woman has to take a pause from their career to take of the children and house, don't you think? Even then most women are expected to go back to work once the children are in school. Cooking and cleaning won't cut it

Find a new place. Don't give him the address. Move on with your life.

Maybe find someone who you can have a meaningful partnership with.

What was your reply to him when he said he didn’t like the hob?

I dont think there is anything wrong with supporting a partner to train/retrain. A lot of couples I know have done this, taking turns to get professional qualifications. But to be so difficult while not doing anything to sort out a problem is completely unacceptable.

There is when you’ve only just met them.

I know couples who have done this but they were together a long time first.

Anyway, they’re not taking it in turns, he’s just ligging off the OP.

@jalapenita

Yes but that’s not the only situation this happens in. Often we read of husbands or boyfriends where there are no kids supporting a woman as she retrains or when she’s lost a job. Many have no problem with this - of those that do none call the women bastards of have the level of vitriol displayed on this thread for them. It’s an obvious case of sexist double standards that come Sou ton these pile ons.

Im not saying this guy is great but the double standard here is immense. And even though it’s a different situation - in your post you mentioned women taking a break from career. Well the reality is that many women who are supported by men actually have no significant career to speak of.

@IrisVersicolor

Shes been with him 4 years. That’s a pretty long time.

That's not your problem he has no savings? You absolutely can still move without him

Lockdown was 2020, that’s when his work dried up and presumably when he started retraining.

I would never bankroll someone’s retraining after 2 years together particularly if I had kids. And I wouldn’t expect a boyfriend of that duration to bankroll me either.

Tell him if he wants to live closer to work/college then he's free to rent, and pay for his own place. I'd be having strong words and say EXACTLY what you've said in you op.

You're facilitating AND paying for his retraining by giving him somewhere to live rent and bill free, and he's not helping in anyway towards the general life admin. I also bet you'll continue to pay when he starts his own business for another few years whilst it gets off the ground

Cocklodger!

It would be simpler to how a clean break now than chucking him out further down the line which is inevitable.