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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect DP to be a bit more grateful?

165 replies

CampariKid · 11/07/2022 21:02

I have been with DP 4 years. In lockdown we moved in together. So there’s me and my two teens, my dog and his cat. My flat wasn’t big enough so we rented together and since I earn good money I paid most of the rent (85%). Last year we moved into a slightly bigger house and as lockdown had stymied his career I pay 100% of the rent, most of the food bills and all other bills, including the car, except gas and leccy which he pays. He’s retraining and has another year of college before he can set up his own biz. The 4 days a week he isn’t at college he does agency work which is hard work and badly paid but allows him to pay for cat food and wine and his course fees. So 6 weeks ago, ootb, our landlord announces he is selling up and gave us two months notice. So now, on top of a really intense full time job, getting an over anxious DD thru alevels, a dying father and a suspect heart problem which is necessitating lots of investigation we need to find a new place to rent at precisely the time rents have skyrocketed and you have to pounce like a rental ninja to be in with even a whisker of getting a viewing let alone a chance to offer. And here’s the issue, I’ve done all the hunting and agent stroking and viewings with DD - we’ve made video walkthroughs and plans and we’ve seen A LOT of places. It’s affecting my work, my sleep and my sanity (which I have expressed) but literally every time I find something I think is ok Mr Moany finds something wrong with it. Not big enough, garden facing wrong way, wrong kind of hob etc etc. We are being evicted in a months time and today I find a place that is pretty perfect - he’s at work so I take time off again to view, send him the video and as there is another offer and I can’t afford to lose it I make the offer. DD spends the afternoon making it in Sims so she can show him where all the furniture will go and for the first time in weeks I felt relief. And apparently that’s a very bad thing because…it will take him 15 mins longer to get to work. I know earning less is pants, and I do everything in my power not to emasculate him but AIBU to have expected a well done or a thank you for securing us a (very nice albeit small) flat that he can live in for nothing. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

OP posts:
justforthisnow · 11/07/2022 22:13

Are you happy with this? Cos I cant imagine any woman would be.

DragonflyNights · 11/07/2022 22:18

Well good example to your daughter eh? Let a man take advantage, be awkward and a downer, make it all as hard as possible - but strict not to emasculate him, god forbid.

FMSucks · 11/07/2022 22:18

Have my first LTB. He’s using you OP. Get rid and enjoy your new home. He’s just another useless fuckwit. Don’t get saddled with him for a moment longer x

Isthisit22 · 11/07/2022 22:20

DragonflyNights · 11/07/2022 22:18

Well good example to your daughter eh? Let a man take advantage, be awkward and a downer, make it all as hard as possible - but strict not to emasculate him, god forbid.

This.
Your poor daughter is even trying to pander to him too.
Wake up and put your family first

Shangrila · 11/07/2022 22:20

Don't put his name on the tenancy agreement. Then kick him out.

CampariKid · 11/07/2022 22:20

Justmuddlingalong · 11/07/2022 21:58

Imagine if your DD told you she was moving out to start living with someone under the same circumstances as you're putting up with. Would you advise her not to kick him out coz he's no savings? Would you hell.

Yes. Totally right. What am I doing. This is such a helpful forum. Thank you

OP posts:
mackthepony · 11/07/2022 22:26

Have strength op, brighter times are ahead

Justabitfedup12345 · 11/07/2022 22:29

Oh my lorrrrrdd!!!

Get rid and find a place for you and your children!!

I too moved in with my OH into his house and I gave up my rented accommodation - and I pay half of everything! No claim to his house etc and saving for a rainy day (house deposit) if the proverbial hits the fan. We earn similar amounts though but crikey - he really did see you coming didn’t he!!!!!

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 11/07/2022 22:32

Please don't put his name on the tenancy agreement. If you can't dump the loser before you move in and he's on the agreement, you'll have a job getting him out.

Also, prepare yourself for the sob stories and tears as soon as you tell him to fuck off, but don't let that stop you.

IrisVersicolor · 11/07/2022 22:33

So the “retraining” started when he met you right?

I’ve no idea why you’re bankrolling this man but please find some big girl pants and put them on.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 11/07/2022 22:33

I get where you are coming from. You don't want to make him feel small as he isn't earning. Sometimes the situation that you are in now can creep up on you, as he was working at the start but now only works at weekends to fund his wine/course. You probably feel that he should get an equal say in where you live as equal partners. This would be fine but as you've said in your OP you have been the one running around trying to home your family not him, he doesn't need to be earning to sort out the practicalities but that is still your problem. To me this shows that not only are you responsible for the finances you are also responsible for the mental load, if you really were equal partners he would have found you a house instead of bitching about the ones you've picked. I wonder if you think that that is also your responsibility because you have kids and he hasn't?

Wallywobbles · 11/07/2022 22:35

Me ExH was the same. He was so emasculated he had to fuck around. Good luck. You're going to need it.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 11/07/2022 22:35

I agree with previous posters, please don't put him on the tenancy, just sign it yourself while he's having his strop.

Wallywobbles · 11/07/2022 22:36

Stop letting him give you ownership of his problems. You're not stuck. He is. Let him work it out.

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 11/07/2022 22:42

Also, what does he think is going to happen if he keeps saying no to every property and you listen, and then in a month's time you are evicted? Your housing situation is urgent, he's saying no to everything so what is his plan for when you have nowhere to live,

Your priority is making sure your daughter has somewhere to live but this bell-end doesn't give a shit about her. Poor DD is desperately trying to keep him happy too. What is this teaching her about future relationships?

Bonheurdupasse · 11/07/2022 22:44

Don’t put him on the tenancy agreement OP!!!!
(to repeat what other posters have said)

and ltb…

1dontunderstand · 11/07/2022 22:45

#cocklodger

HermioneKipper · 11/07/2022 22:45

Perfect time to boot this cheeky fecker OP.

Absolutely not a good example to be setting to your kids. You surely wouldn’t want your daughter to put up with this nonsense.

you sound lovely, you can do better.

good luck x

Wheresthebeach · 11/07/2022 22:45

You need to get rid of this unpleasant freeloader.

TokyoSushi · 11/07/2022 22:46

OP!! This is bonkers. You sound really lovely, but you're being COMPLETELY taken advantage of, so what if he does a bit of cooking?!

He needs to shape up or ship out!

butterflied · 11/07/2022 22:49

lilkiki · 11/07/2022 21:03

I got up to “I pay 100% of the rent… “

Same. Just why? He's taking you for a mug clearly, whatever else he's doing. Stop letting him.

xippo · 11/07/2022 22:58

Doing a course to start his own business?
100% this won’t happen. He’s got a cushy life as it is. You’re worth more, kick him out

AnneElliott · 11/07/2022 22:58

If you're paying the rent, then make the offer and rent it. It's up to him if he moves in or not surely?

dworky · 11/07/2022 22:58

Stop pandering to this selfish arse of a man & examine why you facilitate his entitlement.

Imagine a friend or loved one in your position - what would you think, would it make you angry, sad or both? Put into action the advice you would give them even if it feels inappropriate to you at present because it is very likely that living with this level of selfishness has eroded your self esteem & you've lost sight of basic fairness.

Blossomtoes · 11/07/2022 23:07

And I can’t kick him out because he has no savings left.

And? That’s not your problem. Get shot.