To expect DP to be a bit more grateful?

[CampariKid]

I have been with DP 4 years. In lockdown we moved in together. So there’s me and my two teens, my dog and his cat. My flat wasn’t big enough so we rented together and since I earn good money I paid most of the rent (85%). Last year we moved into a slightly bigger house and as lockdown had stymied his career I pay 100% of the rent, most of the food bills and all other bills, including the car, except gas and leccy which he pays. He’s retraining and has another year of college before he can set up his own biz. The 4 days a week he isn’t at college he does agency work which is hard work and badly paid but allows him to pay for cat food and wine and his course fees. So 6 weeks ago, ootb, our landlord announces he is selling up and gave us two months notice. So now, on top of a really intense full time job, getting an over anxious DD thru alevels, a dying father and a suspect heart problem which is necessitating lots of investigation we need to find a new place to rent at precisely the time rents have skyrocketed and you have to pounce like a rental ninja to be in with even a whisker of getting a viewing let alone a chance to offer. And here’s the issue, I’ve done all the hunting and agent stroking and viewings with DD - we’ve made video walkthroughs and plans and we’ve seen A LOT of places. It’s affecting my work, my sleep and my sanity (which I have expressed) but literally every time I find something I think is ok Mr Moany finds something wrong with it. Not big enough, garden facing wrong way, wrong kind of hob etc etc. We are being evicted in a months time and today I find a place that is pretty perfect - he’s at work so I take time off again to view, send him the video and as there is another offer and I can’t afford to lose it I make the offer. DD spends the afternoon making it in Sims so she can show him where all the furniture will go and for the first time in weeks I felt relief. And apparently that’s a very bad thing because…it will take him 15 mins longer to get to work. I know earning less is pants, and I do everything in my power not to emasculate him but AIBU to have expected a well done or a thank you for securing us a (very nice albeit small) flat that he can live in for nothing. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole tbh. Why are you listening to shit like it’s an extra 15 mins to his work? Big deal. He cannot/doesn’t want to pay his way, couldn’t afford a flat on his own, yet feels able to be super choosy about anything you come up with? Sack him off. He is the cause of your stress.

OP,

Kindly meant but why would he show you any respect when you can't possibly have any for yourself?

Genuinely gobsmacked that you would show your children such an appalling example of what being a TOTAL mug looks like.

This is the future you want for your children?

It's really sad, because I'm sure you are a hardworking nice woman, but just one with the lowest bar imaginable.

4 years of being used?, exactly how much money could have gone into a college fund?

So you, your DC and your pets could end up homeless cos he doesn't like the cooker? Come on now

God, he must look like Brad Pitt with a pure gold cock.
What else does he bring to your family's table?
You may be a high earner for now, but he's literally stealing your future savings and daughters' eventual inheritence.
Cocklodgers should be bright and cheery, not moaning old buggers either.

Oh dear an extra 15 minutes travelling time. Well he’s got the option to move as close to his business as he want now doesn’t he.
seriously op you’re not going to miss him are you?
when you come to your senses and kick him out it’s hardly going to make a dent in your finances is it.
in fact you’ll probably find you have some extra money since you won’t be feeding the disgruntled entitled pig!

Hopefully this means a fresh start for you and your kids without him. All he adds to your life is more stress - you owe him nothing. He’s worse than an extra kid because your children wouldn’t veto or obstruct important decisions such as finding a new flat (your daughter sounds extraordinarily helpful in fact- more helpful than your adult partner). Let him find his own new place without you and your children.

Congrats on the new place

Goodness me. You really are being taken advantage of here by your partner. You moved to a larger place to accommodate in and presumably paid extra rent and bills with him contributing nothing. He is obviously rubbish with money or he is hiding it away somewhere if he has nothing. How would he cope if he did not have you picking up his bills for him. Choose somewhere which suits you and your teens and your dog. Then tell him to get his own place which is more suitable for him.

Classic!

You have a third child.
Why are you paying for him. He's not your child or spouse.

Tell him 'fine' he has the choice of coming with you, or he can make his own arrangements. That is not kicking him out OP.

Off you fuck then cunty chops springs to mind.

I do hope you'll see that he's used the fuck out of you though. I hope you'll see some sense tbh.

Now is the time to be both brave and intelligent in your choices.

Would you want to operate in any other way? The cowardly and dumb course is hardly an example to your kids.

I'd love to know how he responds to this conversation. He doesn't have a leg to stand on but I'm wondering how he justifies his attitude in his own mind

he's literally stealing your future savings and daughters' eventual inheritence.

This!

Have you got a gold-plated pension? A pot that you can help your daughter get on the housing ladder?

You are literally stealing from your and her future in order to accommodate this loser. Business? Nah, he would be doing it already. Oh, and did he give you a contract that you are an equal partner in any eventual "business"? Nah, thought not.

And what for? A bit of cooking, gardening and nothing what you do for him ever good enough?!

Fuck that!

Remember OP. Time flies. Every day you cater to his whims you are putting you and your daughter second best in your own future.

Maybe he can get a job cooking or gardening then. Lazy cunt.

I'm wondering how he justifies his attitude in his own mind

They justify it by thinking they're entitled to it. Or just plain deviousness.

get THAT to fuck.the end

Why do we teach our daughters that it is better to be with anyone than alone? That being part of a couple is so important that it's ok to pay for it?

And I can’t kick him out because he has no savings left.

FFS, op, this is not your problem. You are STILL putting him above your own children. Cocklodgers like him always land on their feet because there are always women like you who will take them in and support them. Sorry to to harsh, but it's true. Stop being that kind of woman! Get the fuck rid of him.

What everyone else said, PLUS: "emasculated"? In the actual 21st century, can the whole world please NOT go along with this idea that a woman who has the audacity to earn more than a man is effectively lopping his balls off? FFS, we've had equal pay legislation for decades but it's still a social expectation that women earn less. We can at least aim higher for our daughters.

He's never going to be grateful because he is an entitled cocklodger.

Your DD is wasting her valuable time pandering to this cocklodger by creating sim replications of homes for him to turn his nose up at. Not a good message for your DDs at all.

Find a place that suits you and your DDs and tell the CL to sling his hook elsewhere.

Of course you can kick him out. He lived somewhere before moving in with you. CL always land on their feet.

I can’t kick him out because he has no savings left

Then maybe he should stop being so bloody fussy - choose where you want to live. If you want to put up with freeloader, invite him to wherever you choose to live - but don't let him dictate.
The garden's in the wrong direction - FFS.
He wants any kind of say - he starts paying his fair share.

Can you really not appreciate how deflated and disheartened your daughter must feel? She is trying so hard to help her mum find a new home, yet every time her mum, YOU, puts her feckless, shithead of a boyfriend before what's best for her. It's tragic.

I am shouting COCKLODGER from the rooftop!
you sound nice OP but I agree with what others have said, having this useless man in your life is not a good example to be setting your DD and you deserve better!
He needs to sort himself out. His lack of savings are not your problem.