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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect DP to be a bit more grateful?

165 replies

CampariKid · 11/07/2022 21:02

I have been with DP 4 years. In lockdown we moved in together. So there’s me and my two teens, my dog and his cat. My flat wasn’t big enough so we rented together and since I earn good money I paid most of the rent (85%). Last year we moved into a slightly bigger house and as lockdown had stymied his career I pay 100% of the rent, most of the food bills and all other bills, including the car, except gas and leccy which he pays. He’s retraining and has another year of college before he can set up his own biz. The 4 days a week he isn’t at college he does agency work which is hard work and badly paid but allows him to pay for cat food and wine and his course fees. So 6 weeks ago, ootb, our landlord announces he is selling up and gave us two months notice. So now, on top of a really intense full time job, getting an over anxious DD thru alevels, a dying father and a suspect heart problem which is necessitating lots of investigation we need to find a new place to rent at precisely the time rents have skyrocketed and you have to pounce like a rental ninja to be in with even a whisker of getting a viewing let alone a chance to offer. And here’s the issue, I’ve done all the hunting and agent stroking and viewings with DD - we’ve made video walkthroughs and plans and we’ve seen A LOT of places. It’s affecting my work, my sleep and my sanity (which I have expressed) but literally every time I find something I think is ok Mr Moany finds something wrong with it. Not big enough, garden facing wrong way, wrong kind of hob etc etc. We are being evicted in a months time and today I find a place that is pretty perfect - he’s at work so I take time off again to view, send him the video and as there is another offer and I can’t afford to lose it I make the offer. DD spends the afternoon making it in Sims so she can show him where all the furniture will go and for the first time in weeks I felt relief. And apparently that’s a very bad thing because…it will take him 15 mins longer to get to work. I know earning less is pants, and I do everything in my power not to emasculate him but AIBU to have expected a well done or a thank you for securing us a (very nice albeit small) flat that he can live in for nothing. I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 11/07/2022 21:43

And I can’t kick him out because he has no savings left.

Why are you using that as an excuse to let him stay when he’s clearly making yours and your dcs lives much more difficult? He can make his own living arrangements!

Tractordiggerdump · 11/07/2022 21:45

Cocklodger

Justmuddlingalong · 11/07/2022 21:45

And I can’t kick him out because he has no savings left.
Yes you can. You absolutely can kick him out. With moochers like him, they always find a reason why you can't ditch him. It's a control thing so they are seen as the one's deciding when it's over. He won't want to get off the gravy train so make the decision for him. End of the month's long enough notice. If he's going to be "running his own business" finding and affording his own accommodation shouldn't be beyond his capabilities.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2022 21:45

The money you’re using to subsidise him is money you’re taking away from your children. He’s an expensive hobby you may or may be able to afford. Either way you don’t have to pay for the roof over his head to date him so if he’s amazing then see him for fun, if he’s not then ditch him. And go with the place you like.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 11/07/2022 21:45

He has a job with a salary. He can get a room until he finds some other mug to let him move in. If you want to be really kind, keep the cat for him, but do not let him move with you. Show some gumption!!

PritiPatelsMaker · 11/07/2022 21:46

And I can’t kick him out because he has no savings left."

Also agree that's not your problem OP. Your priority is getting a place to live fir you and your DC.

There are options for him, he probably would prefer living with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2022 21:46

“Stuck”? No you’re not. Don’t be ridiculous. He’s your boyfriend, not your child.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/07/2022 21:47

lisavanderpumpscloset · 11/07/2022 21:22

I feel a bit taken advantage of tbh

Only a bit?

He's living rent and bill free while completing his course he's paid for.

WAKE UP

And complaining that his free home isn't good enough for him, don't forget.

Fuck him off to his mother, a shared house or his next mug.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 11/07/2022 21:47

He landed on his feet didn't he?
You are literally paying for his company and lifestyle and he's happily sitting with feet under table
Take the flat for you and your DC and tell him to find his own place to live

velvetvixen · 11/07/2022 21:47

Don't worry about kicking him out OP. Cocklodgers always seem to find another willing woman to leech off.

Therealjudgejudy · 11/07/2022 21:50

Wake up OP! What an awful example you are setting for your dd.

He's a cocklodger

OnaBegonia · 11/07/2022 21:53

You CAN kick him out, his lack
of savings isn't your problem

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 11/07/2022 21:53

As pp have said, his living arrangements are not your problem. He's a grown man, he can get a house share or sofa surf or whatever.

I think the housing issue is a good way for you to end things and get rid of him.

"Me and the kids like this flat and we're going to go for it. I know you don't like it and things aren't working out with us so you'll need to find your own place to live"

When he moans about how he has no money, remember you're not his mummy. He's a man, he can take care of himself. Don't get drawn into helping him find somewhere to live. It's his responsibility, not yours. You've got enough on your plate.

D0lphine · 11/07/2022 21:54

Ok he is retraining. So what?

I worked full time and did my professional exams part time. I paid for 100% of everything I needed.

If I were him I'd be working every evening and every weekend. Uber, McDonald's, tutoring - evenings in a pub. Any job I could get my hands on.

On top of that I would get a fucking bank loan to pay my expenses on as low interest as I could and a credit card with a good rate. If accept debt for the greater good.

He does a bit of gardening and cleaning?! Big fucking deal he should be doing that as a minimum AND paying his fair share.

Kick this waster to the curb. And then ask yourself why you were prepared to accept so little.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/07/2022 21:58

Imagine if your DD told you she was moving out to start living with someone under the same circumstances as you're putting up with. Would you advise her not to kick him out coz he's no savings? Would you hell.

oneofusgobble · 11/07/2022 21:58

You pay all of the rent and bills...Jesus Christ.

I'd be telling him that I have chosen a house to move to. He can either come with you (and be very fucking grateful), or he can find somewhere else to live for himself.

He absolutely sounds like an entitled spoiled man child.

HipsterCoffeeShop · 11/07/2022 21:59

D0lphine · 11/07/2022 21:54

Ok he is retraining. So what?

I worked full time and did my professional exams part time. I paid for 100% of everything I needed.

If I were him I'd be working every evening and every weekend. Uber, McDonald's, tutoring - evenings in a pub. Any job I could get my hands on.

On top of that I would get a fucking bank loan to pay my expenses on as low interest as I could and a credit card with a good rate. If accept debt for the greater good.

He does a bit of gardening and cleaning?! Big fucking deal he should be doing that as a minimum AND paying his fair share.

Kick this waster to the curb. And then ask yourself why you were prepared to accept so little.

I came to say exactly this!

WinterDeWinter · 11/07/2022 22:01

Like everyone else, I urge you to take this god-given opportunity to tell him you'd rather live alone with your DD. He is an unconscionable prick.

ivykaty44 · 11/07/2022 22:01

I realised “he” had to go after two nights out where he never put his hand in his pocket… he had more disposable income than me, but had become tight. It took me another two months but I manoeuvred him out of my life

he’s not your child/teen to put through college, he might end have any savings but that’s not for you to be his safety net

Herejustforthisone · 11/07/2022 22:04

Live in the new house. Without him. He can fuck off and sort his own shit out, you’ve been carrying him for long enough.

Jerabilis · 11/07/2022 22:05

He must be bloody incredible in bed for you to put up with that level of crap

GiltEdges · 11/07/2022 22:06

Do you have the luxury of having someone else bankroll your existence while you retrain OP? Thought not.

You aren't responsible for this man. Kick him out.

Quartz2208 · 11/07/2022 22:08

Your priorities are your children and your father - not him - the fact he doesnt have savings isnt your issue.

Get the house and get him out

Faccthefacker · 11/07/2022 22:08

lilkiki · 11/07/2022 21:03

I got up to “I pay 100% of the rent… “

This.

StClare101 · 11/07/2022 22:11

He saw you coming didn’t he?

For gods sake stop being a doormat. It continues to depress me that women put up with this shit.

He is not your problem.