To have my boyfriend of 4 months sleep in my spare room?

[hotnakedgelato]

My boyfriend and I are very serious even though it's a relatively short relationship - there hasn't been any drama or complications and we are both clear that we plan to have a serious long term relationship.

I have a 5 year old who loves the boyfriend.

The boyfriend is having work done on his house for the next week or two. I have told him that he can sleep in our spare room. (My 5 year old sleeps with me).

Now I am fretting about whether this is inappropriate in some way. Is it too much too soon, etc. Interested in others' thoughts.

For context, the 5 year old's father introduced his girlfriend before they were even official/serious and she definitely stayed over at his from early on.

Oop... I must have...

What remarkable abilities you have. You are able to determine how nice a partner is from a couple of sentences you've read online.

Let him move in OP.

@99ProblemsButAnIncelAintOne what the actual fuck

I wouldn’t want to live on a building site either, but a kitchen being redone and flooring being laid is not a building site. It is barely an inconvenience, in fact it is a bit of fun to have the takeaways or eat out for a few nights whilst the worst of it is unavailable.

You have only known him for four months but he told you about this ages ago and started it line up staying at yours. You are starting to sound gullible.

Problem?

They knew this at four months in?

OP less than two weeks ago you said I'm just terrified of missing red flags like I did with my ex.

But in this thread My ex was abusive. I am much better at spotting red flags now. Obviously things could go tits up with the boyfriend someday, but I have not gotten any bad vibes from him.

and I have never felt so certain about a relationship.

...and generally ignoring everybody pointing out red flags. Why have you become so confident in the last fortnight?

and she had to come along for our plans recently when her father had Covid during his visitation time.

'Had' to! You couldn't cancel your plans on that occasion instead?

However, she constantly asks if he can come over etc. Honestly, I am probably happier and more relaxed when he's around because he shares the household labour and it makes it easier for me to spend time with her.

Concerning - she's already getting attached after such a short time. She'll be desperate for that male role model. Dd was at that age, all over any man she met (eg friends partners) it comes from having an absent dad and needs very careful handling.

The lack of planning ability suggests there was no other option that 'fell through' he just assumed he could ask you last minute. Footing and kitchen is no reason not to sleep in a house you are probably out of all day anyway. You clearly think it's all fine though so wondering why you've asked?!

It’s MN, you’re not allowed to do what you propose for at least another 3 years.

@liveforsummer honestly I was interested in knowing people's opinions generally

What I wasn't expecting was for people to dredge through every post to assassinate my character and try to catch me out, which is frankly mental

You can't be caught out though if you don't lie 🤷

I didn't lie. What is wrong with you.

Even with that aside, peoples opinions are pretty resounding. It's really not ok! The odd one saying yes just say it's a friend, but it's too late for that as dd has already met him as a parent.

You didn't say your kid met him recently?

Because according to your other posts she met him in mid May and since we're almost half way through July that's not really recently in the grand scheme of things

What have you decided to do, OP? Do you need any more input or have you already got enough from this thread?

Please don't feel that people are gunning for you. I'm sure everyone has your best interests, and those of your little girl, at heart. It's just quite frustrating when the red flags are there for others to see, and you don't seem to see them at all.

🤣🤣 unbelievable

May is recent if we are talking about the last year or 2. Not if the entire timescale only dates back 4 months. Mid May is rather a long time ago in that perspective.

It's not exactly like you have long to think back on. If you can't keep track of what you have and haven't done in the past 4 months and you'd need a spreadsheet to do so you might want to look into that.

I'm a social worker who has dealt with countless cases of a child being abused or exposed to domestic abuse by a step parent.

I've had to support parents after they've had Claire's Law or Sarah's Law disclosures which reveal previous history of abuse.

I've had to take children to child protection medicals when they have been hit.

I've had to tell a parent that if they continue the relationship that places their child at significant risk of harm or death, we will need to go to court to ask for removal of the children. It's heartbreaking but they had to want to leave before we could help them and they didn't.

I worked with a parent who was with a 'nice' guy who it turned out was a drug dealer and kept coke and pills in her house and had people after him. He also had a conviction for a violent crime unrelated to his dealing.

Lots of these parents had no idea what these men were like, they didn't know them well and almost all of them had introduced early and moved in together quickly.

Lots of reasons they did this but obviously the challenge of dating as a single parent is a big one.

Whatever the reason, the result is the same. Strange men living with children they are not related to is a big risk and hard as it is, that means holding back and taking it slowly.

Waiting longer doesn't eliminate all risk but you have the chance to really get to know someone. How do they deal with stress? Are they a problem solver, do they have a temper, are they jealous or controlling, is there any sexual weirdness.
Have you met their friends, their family, how do they talk about their exes.

All of that takes months and months and longer if you're spending limited time together.

I've just seen the screenshot of the OP's other post. There is no way in the universe that I would be dating a man with a history of drugs and dysfunctional relationships - and that with knobs on if my children were young. I wouldn't let someone like that anywhere near them, ever. Even if he's now completely clean and sorted out, there are a billion men out there who don't come with that kind of baggage. Not Bloody Likely would he be staying anywhere near my children.

Why are you dating a man with a history of drugs and dysfunction? And introducing him to your little girl at such early doors?
You really need to prioritise your daughter’s wellbeing.

@socialworkme Full and genuine respect to you. My cousin who is also my bf is a children's social worker and I hear and and understand that you see the darkest of cases.

I don't think that the OP has been fairly treated today, and I don't think that the world needs to constantly jump to worst case scenario. Surely parents have to come to measured, and educated judgements of the right thing to do and time has a part to play in that situation, but there a lot of other factors too. Mumsnet posters, and, respectfully, you do not know the full situation. Only the OP does.

This thread is mental. I'm admittedly new to mumsnet but this has been fairly shocking in terms of the amount of crazies on here, who while I believe have the best intentions for the OP, also just project their own personal shite onto them. I just couldn't live my life thinking the world is out to get me. Just shows the worst of the Internet!

It's not spending your life thinking the world is out to get you though. It's knowing that some people statistically are actually out to get you, especially women with children, so being vigilant.

We're not all projecting, I have never been with an abusive person or been abused. It's just common sense and putting children ahead of your sex life.

@Blueskydreamer7 so you would bring a man with drug problems and dysfunctional issues into your five year old’s life? And introduce them at such early doors? You really think the backlash is not warranted?