DH hit our 2 year old.

[Froghottub]

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons….

So as the title says really and I just don’t know what to do.

DH is having a particularly bad time at the moment following a bereavement and various other stressful things happening.

Today our 2 year old was having a generic tantrum over not getting his own way basically. DH was dealing with it and I was upstairs. I could hear DS getting upset and asking for me. After a couple of mins when he wasn’t calming down I could hear DH was getting cross and telling him off. DS was just getting more wound up at being told off so I went down to help.

As I walked into the room I saw my DH hit DS on the head. It was like a slap to the top of his head. I picked DS up and told DH to leave. An argument ensued but he eventually left the room.

I am absolutely against any form of physical punishment and it’s a very firm boundary for me and one we have never ever disagreed on before.

i have left with DS and I’m at family staying there for tonight at least.

whilst DH had said sorry to DS he’s also been argumentative, has blamed it on me, been gaslighting me and has even tried to blame DS for being ‘aggressive’. This incident was nothing beyond a typical toddler tantrum of which there are and have been many.

he admits it was wrong but isn’t taking responsibility or grasping that this is a huge thing for me.

My gut reaction is that our relationship is over, BUT, I know full well he legally has a legitimate defence that DS was being naughty and therefore he chastised him. Whilst I don’t agree with his actions I don’t suppose a court (civil or criminal) will do anything about it. If I leave him, he’ll still get contact or maybe even 50/50 with DS and then I’ll have no involvement or knowledge of how he’s treated or what’s happening whilst he’s there.

if I stay I’m condoning abusive behaviour and teaching my child that being assaulted is okay and I just can’t stomach that.

what on earth do I do for the best? Am I over reacting?

DS loves his dad and I know DH loves him. Of course I want them to have a good relationship but how can I trust someone who loses their temper and hits a child to keep the most precious thing in the world safe.

My head is spinning. Although it doesn’t change the situation at all a further consideration is that I’m 33 weeks pregnant .

I guess my AIBU is
YABU - you’re over reacting and need to calm down and resolve this
YANBU - This is too far

OP you have misunderstood the law. In England it is ALWAYS illegal to hit a child. There MAY be a defence of ‘reasonable chastisement’ taking into account such matters as (a) the age of the child; (b) the place on their body where the child was hit; (c) whether the hitting hand was open-handed or a fist, and (d) the amount of force applied. Having a defence to a crime does not however mean that no crime was committed.

Examples on government websites specifically state that an open-handed gentle blow to a child’s bottom might be considered reasonable, but the same gentle open-handed blow to the child’s HEAD would be the criminal offence of assault.

Bearing in mind here that the child is a baby and the blow was to the head, it does not satisfy the test of being reasonable and therefore your husband has committed the criminal offence of assault against your baby and he does not have a valid defence.

What you do next is up to you, but certainly I would inform the police and social services so that this incident is on record. Whether you stay with him or not there may be further issues.

When making the report, I would stress that the blow was to the baby’s head. If police fail to take that seriously, then they have incorrect knowledge of the law (quite common with police incidentally). But my guess is that they will take it seriously and at least give your DH a caution, which hopefully will make him less likely to assault babies in future.

What would I do? I’d make sure I had a written record (text message? Email?) from DH in which he admits that he hit the baby in the head. Then I’d show that to the police and divorce him asap and go for 100% custody and occupancy, which I would likely get. I know women who have achieved 100% custody in situations less serious than this, and the husband wasn’t allowed back to the child’s house despite being joint owner. It’s all about who has the best lawyer, frankly.

The worst possible thing you could do would be to ignore this.

I wish you well.

Reporting it isn't just about this incident. It might be worthwhile to have it recorded formally for any future issue.

Having a defence to a crime does not however mean that no crime was committed

Yes it does.

However I expect that walloping a child across the head is a very grey area as 'reasonable chastisement' is concerned. If I were a magistrate, then I would need a lot of convincing that that fell within the defence.

I completely understand where you are coming from OP, in terms of not wanting to increase the risks for your son, by having to allow unsupervised contact. It's a very difficult situation. Hitting a 2 year old around the head is very serious. Look to the future. What might he do to a back chatting, much less cute, teenager? Would he be fair game for physical or emotional abuse? From what you say about his failure to accept your concerns, and his behaviour in arguments with you, I'd say future emotional abuse could be on the cards. I doubt you could be happy with your husband now - something dies inside you, when these things happen. The arrival of a new baby is a typical time for these behaviours to escalate too.

I think this is very good advice. Also to add that when i had pnd i was much more irritable and really struggled to deal with the tantrums. Antidepressants really helped me. Its no excuse but he's been through a lot, could he be depressed?

Who walloped a child across the head?

A slap on the top of the head is very different

007DoubleOSeven
Your advice is so full of thought and insight I think. Anyone could benefit from it imo.

I was brought up in an environment where slapping and beating was almost instinctive.My own children have never been slapped and I've always observed that it's about breaking the cycle and not instinctively lashing out. For that reason I'd be genuinely surprised that your husband would, for the first time in two years, lash out and hit your child. I'd genuinely question if he's never hit him before.When you make the conscious decision not to slap it's not a simple mistake or momentary loss of control which leads you to hit your child.
Assuming your husband has hit the child because he's under pressure, grieving etc I'd expect him to be in pieces but he's showing no contrition, to the extent that he's even refused to leave the family home.As you say your child is the most precious thing in the world and you may have to share custody with him but I'd be doing so with the benefit of a police and social service detail that he's already hit the child.

@ScrollingLeaves oh, thank you