DH hit our 2 year old.

[Froghottub]

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons….

So as the title says really and I just don’t know what to do.

DH is having a particularly bad time at the moment following a bereavement and various other stressful things happening.

Today our 2 year old was having a generic tantrum over not getting his own way basically. DH was dealing with it and I was upstairs. I could hear DS getting upset and asking for me. After a couple of mins when he wasn’t calming down I could hear DH was getting cross and telling him off. DS was just getting more wound up at being told off so I went down to help.

As I walked into the room I saw my DH hit DS on the head. It was like a slap to the top of his head. I picked DS up and told DH to leave. An argument ensued but he eventually left the room.

I am absolutely against any form of physical punishment and it’s a very firm boundary for me and one we have never ever disagreed on before.

i have left with DS and I’m at family staying there for tonight at least.

whilst DH had said sorry to DS he’s also been argumentative, has blamed it on me, been gaslighting me and has even tried to blame DS for being ‘aggressive’. This incident was nothing beyond a typical toddler tantrum of which there are and have been many.

he admits it was wrong but isn’t taking responsibility or grasping that this is a huge thing for me.

My gut reaction is that our relationship is over, BUT, I know full well he legally has a legitimate defence that DS was being naughty and therefore he chastised him. Whilst I don’t agree with his actions I don’t suppose a court (civil or criminal) will do anything about it. If I leave him, he’ll still get contact or maybe even 50/50 with DS and then I’ll have no involvement or knowledge of how he’s treated or what’s happening whilst he’s there.

if I stay I’m condoning abusive behaviour and teaching my child that being assaulted is okay and I just can’t stomach that.

what on earth do I do for the best? Am I over reacting?

DS loves his dad and I know DH loves him. Of course I want them to have a good relationship but how can I trust someone who loses their temper and hits a child to keep the most precious thing in the world safe.

My head is spinning. Although it doesn’t change the situation at all a further consideration is that I’m 33 weeks pregnant .

I guess my AIBU is
YABU - you’re over reacting and need to calm down and resolve this
YANBU - This is too far

The same thing happened to me. We had already split up and it was on a contact visit.
My concerns were that it was excessive on dads behalf when chastising. Although personally i dont agree with or want ANY physical chastising and believe as an adult who is emotionally mature should be able to control themselves its not required. Plus it concerned me that his anger was at that level. There is also the issue of setting an example and ensuring the child doesnt model that behaviour when dealing with conflict.
As a parent with PR you have valid concerns to stop contact i did on the basis that until i see him getting help then im not convinced it wont happen again (he was violent to me too)
I stopped contact told the police and told social services and school what i was doing. They were incredibly supportive and agreed with my decision to keep them safe with me. There wasnt a role for ss as they were safe with me. Then dad applied to family court for contact. I told court i want them to have a relationship with their father but not until he evidences taking responsibility and getting help (he blames me and has actually asked for an apology from our son! For his bad behaviour and making him act that way) the kids have remained with me with no contact until court tell him what he needs to do to get contact... likely a parenting and anger management course. Its kind of out of my hands now. Its been very upsetting and unsettling but their safety comes first. You will be ok. Dont assume no one will help. They will.

Do you have a decent HV? Can you call them for a meeting? They are trained in child protection but can also can physically assess your DS and will know the local support available. They can also flag up that you might need a bit extra support in the next few weeks when the baby comes. You seem very clued up and admittedly there is probably no law broken but there are some serious concerns. He is not apologetic and rushing to say 'oh I lost my shit, ill never do that again'. He's going through a lot. But this is an event that you can't move forward through and just say oh he's having a tough time. If he is so stressed that he has hit his child across the head then he needs to access whatever support he can so that it doesn't happen again.
What happens in 7 weeks when you are in over night at the hospital and he has your toddler on his own for 2 days. Emotions and stresses will be even higher then. I would find it very difficult to trust him.

I grew up in a hothead family and was smacked a lot but I don't really buy in to the whole 'I was smacked and I'm fine' chat. My parents had quite clearly lost control and were hitting me to get out their anger. My DH was also smacked but it was in a much more controlled manner, would be done later when no one was yelling their head off. I can kind of see why the later might be used but I think in this day and age there are better ways to parent. My DH and I have a tag out rule that if we notice the other parent getting angry unreasonably we jump in and tell them to have a break and take over the parenting. Parenting can be tough, especially if we have other stress factors in life but we need to have controls in place.

Report him OP. You act as if you’re so clued up on the police and SS doing nothing but you’re missing the whole point of SS support. Tell them what happened. Tell them you want a section 17 enquiry because you no longer believe your DS to be safe in the care of his father because you have witnessed him physically assaulting your child.

This.

First sensible comment I've read.

Lay the law down, ensure he knows this is beyond acceptable, work through this.

I think the more concerning part is his behaviour afterwards. He refused to back down. He has blamed a 2yo for getting hit in the head by an adult. If the adult can't regulate his emotions well enough to prevent hitting a toddler, how you expect a toddler to regulate his emotions well enough to prevent headbutting an adult?

The fact he hasn't just instantly backed down, apologised and left is the concerning part for me. You say he doesn't think it's right, but from his behaviour it sounds like he thinks he DID have the right to hit a toddler. I think I'd tell him he needs to do a parenting course to learn how to handle his toddler properly if he wants his family back.

I thought, to be lawful it also had to be in soft flesh ie bottom, which a head isn't?

You say he has a defence.. he has no defence.. none whatsoever. If he can hit him sged only 2 imagine what he will be like when your son is older. I bet it's not the first time either.

I think you're overreacting. It's definitely not ideal or desirable and you should discuss it and find a way to manage things in future. But it would be bonkers to consider breaking up an otherwise happy relationship with an otherwise kind and reliable father, just for this. Particularly when you're about to have a baby.

DH needs to recognise he crossed a line and he should work on noticing his own signs of stress and finding a way to manage it by taking a deep breath or stepping away for a moment or whatever.

I think the difference is, in that case the women would be beating herself up about it, admitting she did a terrible thing and desperately trying to deal with it. The issue is her husbands reaction after the smack, trying to gaslight her and blaming the toddler. Not taking responsibility or feeling remorse etc is a huge red flag. It’s everyone else’s fault apparently but his own. The smack is awful but the way he dealt with it is worse in my opinion.

I feel this is sensible and measured advice.

The dilemma over how to protect a child when courts will award 50/50 is a real and recurring problem.

OP there is no need to rush to big decisions. You're already staying with someone else. I agree with a PP who said stay there for as long as possible. It's the simplest way to show how serious this is.

Don't place conditions or ultimatums on your DH. See what he comes to you with. He was violent. He was gaslighting. He was refusing to take responsibility. He needs to come to a better position by his own reckoning, not by your ultimatums. An angry, violent man going to anger management classes to achieve his own aims ie getting back into the family fold - is different from one who is appalled at how he has acted and wants to make real change.

I understand your concern about how he would treat your DC if you separate, but you also have to think about how he will cope with the additional stress of a new baby and a 2-yr-old. You need to prioritise all your DCs. Abusers often escalate or begin during pregnancies.

We all go through bad and tough times.

Doesn't mean we start lamping our kids though.

I hate it when people try and justify physical violence because they are stressed.

He lost control with a 2 year old. 2. A baby. What the fuck is wrong with people on here...........

She never said he verbally abused her? She said when things got verbally heated there’s a huge difference.

I'm writing this from the perspective of someone who brought children up in very different times, when it was normal to smack children when they were naughty. I do NOT think that was right, and given my time again I would not do it. However, even then I never felt it was right to smack a child around the head. That is so dangerous.

I think you have given your husband a shock, by leaving with your child. You need to sit down and talk to him. If he had smacked his bottom, it might have been a bit more acceptable. (Though still not right) I do think that the suggestion that you should report him to SS or leave him are a bit over the top, considering this is the first time, and he is under stress. I think that telling him it must never happen again, and being more aware so you can intervene when your child is having a tantrum, will be enough. However I might change my mind about that if during the discussion he tries to justify it and you feel it might happen again.

Well, you’re already minimising what he did so great…

I’m not a bleeding heart when it comes to discipline but I absolutely refute that a two year old can be so badly behaved as to justify being hit over the head by his father. In anger. Behind closed doors.

When a two year old is ‘badly behaved’ you place them on the floor, explain to them what is wrong and make sure they’re safe if they’re going to tantrum it out. You don’t beat them.

Your husband sounds like a really nasty cunt. Such a shame for your son, as you started out with such conviction.

being more aware so you can intervene when your child is having a tantrum

Good grief!

How about her husband learns to control his temper?

Your dh snapped. You have stated that he has had a bereavement and other stressors.

He needs to recognise he needs help, perhaps gp or counselling.

If you follow the suggestions to raise hell and leave it's likely DS will end up in the sole care of your DH for at least some time when you are separated. I think you have to play a longer game to be sure of protecting DC.

I would go back home and discuss with DH. Figure out what happened and come to an agreement (again) that hitting is unacceptable. Then monitor and think calmly about how things are and how you feel about your marriage. You will have DC2 soon so you and DCs need support and stability.

DH's behaviour may have been a one off. Not great but think what you're capsizing and what the situation will be for all if you if you impulsively leave.

Good luck.

Well done for doing what you did.

I do think you are making a lot of excuses for not reporting/ leaving if you really feel that strongly. It might not be illegal, but it would still be noted.

This is what I would do - I would stay away for a while to let the dust settle. Then tell him that was the last time that ever happens and if it happens again you will leave him without a second thought. I would also require him to attend therapy to deal with this grief/ anger issues. I don't think it's the end of the relationship ~(unless you were already thinking of leaving/ unhappy and this was jsut the final straw). Don't get me wrong, it's awful. But sometimes people are pushed to their limits and there is no long lasting damage of the one off event. That said, it's obviously a sign that he's not coping and he must address that or it won't be a one off.

Grief is a horrible thing but it does not give you the right to hit a child. As other posters have said, how will he regulate his emotions around a newborn baby? I’m not saying he is an abuser but the fact that he wasn’t immediately mortified and instead tried to shift the blame your way does not bode well for his mental state. I’d either ask him to move out for a bit or move out for a bit with your DS. If he continues to rage and say this is somehow your fault then I think you’ll have a good sense of who this man really is. I doubt SS would get involved but that doesn’t mean you can’t take control of the situation and advocate for your child yourself.

Your DH is grieving and overwhelmed. He lightly slapped the top of your 2yo's head, not hard enough to hurt.

It's obviously not a good thing to do, but to talk about splitting up and SS and zero contact is insanity.

This sounds like a good starting point for your DH to work on anger management and staying calm, maybe parenting classes? But to act like he's some unforgivable monster for this is way OTT.

You may think it's bollocks but it's lawful in England unless it leaves a mark, bruising etc, and can be argued that it was "reasonable punishment" for "disobedience".

@knittingaddict why the surprise?

There is a difference between what is morally wrong and what is legally wrong.

Any form of violence against a 2 year old is morally wrong, in this case however it's not enough to break the law, so the op has limited options

These are facts

He lightly slapped the top of your 2yo's head, not hard enough to hurt

Why are you making things up? OP said:-

As I walked into the room I saw my DH hit DS on the head. It was like a slap to the top of his head