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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hit our 2 year old.

209 replies

Froghottub · 11/07/2022 00:20

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons….

So as the title says really and I just don’t know what to do.

DH is having a particularly bad time at the moment following a bereavement and various other stressful things happening.

Today our 2 year old was having a generic tantrum over not getting his own way basically. DH was dealing with it and I was upstairs. I could hear DS getting upset and asking for me. After a couple of mins when he wasn’t calming down I could hear DH was getting cross and telling him off. DS was just getting more wound up at being told off so I went down to help.

As I walked into the room I saw my DH hit DS on the head. It was like a slap to the top of his head. I picked DS up and told DH to leave. An argument ensued but he eventually left the room.

I am absolutely against any form of physical punishment and it’s a very firm boundary for me and one we have never ever disagreed on before.

i have left with DS and I’m at family staying there for tonight at least.

whilst DH had said sorry to DS he’s also been argumentative, has blamed it on me, been gaslighting me and has even tried to blame DS for being ‘aggressive’. This incident was nothing beyond a typical toddler tantrum of which there are and have been many.

he admits it was wrong but isn’t taking responsibility or grasping that this is a huge thing for me.

My gut reaction is that our relationship is over, BUT, I know full well he legally has a legitimate defence that DS was being naughty and therefore he chastised him. Whilst I don’t agree with his actions I don’t suppose a court (civil or criminal) will do anything about it. If I leave him, he’ll still get contact or maybe even 50/50 with DS and then I’ll have no involvement or knowledge of how he’s treated or what’s happening whilst he’s there.

if I stay I’m condoning abusive behaviour and teaching my child that being assaulted is okay and I just can’t stomach that.

what on earth do I do for the best? Am I over reacting?

DS loves his dad and I know DH loves him. Of course I want them to have a good relationship but how can I trust someone who loses their temper and hits a child to keep the most precious thing in the world safe.

My head is spinning. Although it doesn’t change the situation at all a further consideration is that I’m 33 weeks pregnant .

I guess my AIBU is
YABU - you’re over reacting and need to calm down and resolve this
YANBU - This is too far

OP posts:
ladydoris · 11/07/2022 08:10

I had.

alphapie · 11/07/2022 08:11

user1471457751 · 11/07/2022 01:30

Social services will not intervene for a child being clipped round the head, especially with the OP saying it wasn't hard enough to hurt. They don't even have the staff for serious cases of prolonged abuse and neglect. I swear some posters live in an alternate reality some times.

What the OPs husband did was wrong. But we all know the response would be different if he were a woman. If it was a mother who was going through a bereavement, other stressful things and, when being headbutted by her toddler, gave him a clip round the ear. Everyone would be telling her she's not a horrible mum and she just needs help.

This

Heck there have been posts before from mothers saying they lashed out and feel terrible and 90% of the comments are 'we all snap' 'you feeling terrible shows you're not a bad mum' etc.

HMSSophia · 11/07/2022 08:13

007DoubleOSeven · 11/07/2022 00:56

Yes, what he did was unacceptable.

Yes, I agree that from your description there's no case in law.

You don't seem convinced that you want to divorce and I understand why, so what you need to do now is take a step back. Give both you and your dh time to cool off as far as reacting to this incident goes.

The more you threaten divorce and call him an abusive parent, the more he will double down and refuse to see that he was wrong. The way to deal with this is not to immediately jump to (what he may see as an) extreme reaction.

Tomorrow, when you've both had some sleep (because it's too late, too hot and he's already too wound up, and youre probably both too tired now) you can discuss the incident rationally.

I don't believe SS will want to see a family break up over this and as you say, his behaviour wasn't severe enough to break the law (which even in the UK permits only a very narrow definition of physical chastisement).

If you're looking for another resolution to this apart from 1) ignore or 2) divorce then its this:

Talk calmly to each other. Take out the emotion in your response, you'll only cause an equally strong emotional reaction in him.

Explain both sides. Let him have the space to feel secure enough to admit what he did was wrong.

Ideally, he'll agree it should never happen again. A parenting course - for both of you - might be really helpful here.

He lost control because he lacked the tools to deal with the situation. If you're confident this was an aberration and he is a good man otherwise, then you can both learn from it instead.

You'll hopefully have a stronger marriage, be better parents and maintain / rediscover respect for each other as a result.

A hard line on physical punishment doesn't have to mean the end of everything.

Good luck

This. God knows we're not all perfect. Be a loving supportive adult and help your DP as well as your child.

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 08:14

Heck there have been posts before from mothers saying they lashed out and feel terrible and 90% of the comments are 'we all snap' 'you feeling terrible shows you're not a bad mum' etc.

There are posts here saying similar. It's not ok.

Ryah76 · 11/07/2022 08:15

I don’t agree with physical violence, particularly against children. However, whilst I think you have done the right thing setting boundaries and leaving- I think it’s worth you and your husband really talking about what happened and even seeking counselling.
Again I don’t agree with violence, but you state that he is grieving and is acting out of character- it sounds like he needs help addressing both his grief and loss of control.

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 08:15

Be a loving supportive adult and help your DP as well as your child.

Ah yes, the poor poor man. Do be a good wife now OP Hmm

ladydoris · 11/07/2022 08:17

HMSSophia · 11/07/2022 08:13

This. God knows we're not all perfect. Be a loving supportive adult and help your DP as well as your child.

Show quote history

I double down.

alphapie · 11/07/2022 08:17

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 08:14

Heck there have been posts before from mothers saying they lashed out and feel terrible and 90% of the comments are 'we all snap' 'you feeling terrible shows you're not a bad mum' etc.

There are posts here saying similar. It's not ok.

The % difference when it's mum vs dad is quite bemusing, if not totally expected on here.

The OP hasn't even said what this slap was, posters are already using the term hit round the head, a slap is lighter than being 'hit' for example.

When it's dad posters will make it sound worse and go off on one, when it's mum posters will minimise and tell them it's ok petal.

knittingaddict · 11/07/2022 08:17

Even decades ago physical discipline did not include hitting on the head. I'm sure some people did but it wasn't an accepted thing. A slap on the leg or bottom was fairly common.

Obviously times have changed and all physical chastisement is generally frowned on (quite rightly). A slap anywhere near the head would be a complete no no for any reasonable person. It looks like hitting out in anger and that's what it is. I would have zero tolerance with anything like that.

Happylittlethoughts · 11/07/2022 08:17

CornishTiger
This 👆. Take time away.

dawngreen · 11/07/2022 08:17

He is under a lot of stress, and you are expecting a baby. You are both full of emotions. If he has never done this before, and has said sorry to you , its out of character for him. Could it have been a rough handed attempt of a guy to push him away or more of a tap to get him to move. Blokes are clumsy not like women.

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 11/07/2022 08:18

What are you on about, it was lawful? Your son tried to headbutt your husband first, he's 2, is your husband claiming self defence?!!! You are talking about a baby here and a fully grown man, on what planet is it ok to hit a baby for having a tantrum? It doesnt matter how hard it was or wasnt and i have no idea about this lawful bollocks you are spouting? Tell social services and leave this man. Being bereaved is not an excuse to hit a baby, he should not be looking after your child alone if he can't cope and thinks that hitting a baby on the head of all places is fine. I can't believe how breezy your posts read.

Quartz2208 · 11/07/2022 08:19

I think the difference though would be in it was a Mum on here saying this is what she had done she would

(a) recognise that she went too far and crossed a line
(b) understand that it was wrong and there are no excuses
but
(c) the grief etc means she needed to seek help and make sure it didnt happen again

His response IMO is actually just as bad as the slap itself. It is his current unwllingness to recognise it was wrong and the passing of blame.

Because he does need some help - the problem is he isnt recognising this

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 08:19

dawngreen · 11/07/2022 08:17

He is under a lot of stress, and you are expecting a baby. You are both full of emotions. If he has never done this before, and has said sorry to you , its out of character for him. Could it have been a rough handed attempt of a guy to push him away or more of a tap to get him to move. Blokes are clumsy not like women.

It's easy to see how so many women end up in horrifically abusive situations. Look at the volume of apology Sad

This post is quite chilling.

thedancingbear · 11/07/2022 08:20

Porcupineintherough · 11/07/2022 08:01

@parenthood1989 I disagree Perfect parents may never slap or shout at or shame their child but it's been known for good parents to do so in a moment of weakness.

Speak for your fucking self.

Walloping your kids is never okay.

RainCoffeeBook · 11/07/2022 08:20

Like you say, the bigger issue here is that in the event of a split, he would have the child half the time unsupervised, where he could slap as much as he liked.

Splitting is never an easy choice where you suspect the children will be exposed to even more violence.

knittingaddict · 11/07/2022 08:20

alphapie · 11/07/2022 08:17

The % difference when it's mum vs dad is quite bemusing, if not totally expected on here.

The OP hasn't even said what this slap was, posters are already using the term hit round the head, a slap is lighter than being 'hit' for example.

When it's dad posters will make it sound worse and go off on one, when it's mum posters will minimise and tell them it's ok petal.

Show quote history

Any slap/hit around the head and done in anger is bad.

FrancescaContini · 11/07/2022 08:21

I only read the OP up until “hit him on the head” and I feel sick. This is potentially very very harmful and dangerous.

You need him to leave. Put your son first. Zero tolerance for physical violence towards children.

I’m sorry you have a nasty bully for a husband.

thedancingbear · 11/07/2022 08:21

dawngreen · 11/07/2022 08:17

He is under a lot of stress, and you are expecting a baby. You are both full of emotions. If he has never done this before, and has said sorry to you , its out of character for him. Could it have been a rough handed attempt of a guy to push him away or more of a tap to get him to move. Blokes are clumsy not like women.

Yes, I belted my wife the other week. I'm clumsy, see, and I was under a lot of stress.

For absolute fuck's sake. Are you real?

FrancescaContini · 11/07/2022 08:22

parenthood1989 · 11/07/2022 08:19

It's easy to see how so many women end up in horrifically abusive situations. Look at the volume of apology Sad

This post is quite chilling.

Show quote history

“Blokes are clumsy” - are you serious? WTF?

knittingaddict · 11/07/2022 08:22

dawngreen · 11/07/2022 08:17

He is under a lot of stress, and you are expecting a baby. You are both full of emotions. If he has never done this before, and has said sorry to you , its out of character for him. Could it have been a rough handed attempt of a guy to push him away or more of a tap to get him to move. Blokes are clumsy not like women.

Blokes are clumsy, are they?

What utter rubbish.

GetThatHelmetOn · 11/07/2022 08:24

I had similar with my ex, we never ever hit each other or even pushed each other (or anyone else!) but he elbowed DS on the face and sent him flying far enough to hit a table, then turned around and didn’t even check if DS was ok. DS was 3 and just wanting to play while ExH wanted to have an early night.

So… I picked up my son, comforted him and once he was asleep, I went and woke his dad while I said in calm but no uncertain terms that if he hit him ever again, I was going to give him a good battering, open the door for him to leave and he would never see either of us ever again.

Of course, it was impossible for me to carry on the threat as he was taller and much stronger than I but I guess he could hear the resolve in my voice, which came from being smacked by my parents until I left home, I simply was not going to allow that for DS.

He never did it again.

MRex · 11/07/2022 08:26

If you don't log this with social services, then when it happens next time it really will be your word against his. Supervised access is much more likely than shared custody when there has been physical abuse. You'll also have backup to explain to him why hitting on the head is dangerous, and it will be much easier to get sole custody when he hits your child again.

Burying your head in the sand that it isn't strictly illegal is honestly ridiculous, I can only think you're over-tired and over-thinking.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 11/07/2022 08:28

There were two parents in the house, if he was losing patience, which a lot of parents can relate to then he should have left the room and got the op .

FrancescaContini · 11/07/2022 08:30

@GetThatHelmetOn
But he could have done it again, couldn’t he? And it could have been worse for your child.

Elbowing a small child in the face, sending him flying “far enough to hit a table” and then not checking on him? Are you for real??