DH hit our 2 year old.

[Froghottub]

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons….

So as the title says really and I just don’t know what to do.

DH is having a particularly bad time at the moment following a bereavement and various other stressful things happening.

Today our 2 year old was having a generic tantrum over not getting his own way basically. DH was dealing with it and I was upstairs. I could hear DS getting upset and asking for me. After a couple of mins when he wasn’t calming down I could hear DH was getting cross and telling him off. DS was just getting more wound up at being told off so I went down to help.

As I walked into the room I saw my DH hit DS on the head. It was like a slap to the top of his head. I picked DS up and told DH to leave. An argument ensued but he eventually left the room.

I am absolutely against any form of physical punishment and it’s a very firm boundary for me and one we have never ever disagreed on before.

i have left with DS and I’m at family staying there for tonight at least.

whilst DH had said sorry to DS he’s also been argumentative, has blamed it on me, been gaslighting me and has even tried to blame DS for being ‘aggressive’. This incident was nothing beyond a typical toddler tantrum of which there are and have been many.

he admits it was wrong but isn’t taking responsibility or grasping that this is a huge thing for me.

My gut reaction is that our relationship is over, BUT, I know full well he legally has a legitimate defence that DS was being naughty and therefore he chastised him. Whilst I don’t agree with his actions I don’t suppose a court (civil or criminal) will do anything about it. If I leave him, he’ll still get contact or maybe even 50/50 with DS and then I’ll have no involvement or knowledge of how he’s treated or what’s happening whilst he’s there.

if I stay I’m condoning abusive behaviour and teaching my child that being assaulted is okay and I just can’t stomach that.

what on earth do I do for the best? Am I over reacting?

DS loves his dad and I know DH loves him. Of course I want them to have a good relationship but how can I trust someone who loses their temper and hits a child to keep the most precious thing in the world safe.

My head is spinning. Although it doesn’t change the situation at all a further consideration is that I’m 33 weeks pregnant .

I guess my AIBU is
YABU - you’re over reacting and need to calm down and resolve this
YANBU - This is too far

Your husband must be one puny little chap if a two year old's attempts to headbutt him put him in in such fear for his safety that he has to hit the two year old on the head! Is your husband over four foot tall? If he genuinely is a little person then I apologise though nothing has led me to believe that little people hit their children round the head.

I grew up in an era of corporal punishment. It didn't involve whacking two year olds in the head. Children did get strapped but not toddlers and it was on hands and legs. My father came from a very disciplined background (his father was a drunk and beat him often) but my mother would have removed his gonads if she'd seen him hitting her two year old around the head.

If this is a hard boundary for you as you say it is, you leave him. DS may then get 50:50 contact but that means he has a safe space 50% of the time instead of potentially growing up walking on egg shells 100% of the time if this turns into a regular occurance.

Don't listen to that. As people on this thread mentioned a woman would be immideately forgiven for a clip around the head and a man is branded abusive. Bereavement does strange things to people. He is not necessarily going to give up his 50-50 right to access the child.
I think there should be serious consequences, but not necessarily a divorce.
He clearly needs some sort of therapy for bereavement and anger management. It needs be followed by a complete and honest acceptance of his fault.
Depending of what happens when he has some time off + therapy I would reassess. And there is no chance I would call SS, there is zero need in their involvement.

My grandma left my grandpa for that. Almost 70 years ago... It's your gut.

I remember being two and having my first (and last) tantrum. I stamped my feet and my dad immediately hit me across the legs. The story my mum likes to perpetuate is it never did me any harm, a myth I was happy to go along with.

realised in my forties what harm it did. I’m was part of a general pattern of shaming I was never hit again but they didn’t need to, I never ever showed or expressed anger again, I was a really anxious and scared child and an anxious adult. There was other stuff going on , some dv to my mum and I was very enmeshed and parentified in what was a very unhappy marriage and i was a mistake so not the same as your situation

i realise now that if I’d not taken the hint and stopped I’d have been hit every time, he also once hit a child who was hanging round near our house because this child was screaming.

so it’s not the hitting and the physical damage it’s the physiological for me.

One of your worries about leaving him is that he will get 50/50 contact and you won't be there when/if anything happens again.
So if you stay with him you can't ever leave your son alone with him? Not even to nip to the shops ever again?
This is a really grim situation. Imagine if he had hit you/his mother/sister/Neighbour/Boss across the head?
No. He hits a defenceless baby. 😡

I personally wouldn't leave a good marriage with a good father to my child over a slap, but you are free to leave at any time for any reason. If you want your dh not to slap your son though then, married or not, you need to talk to him.

If it wasn't for this episode of your DH losing control would you want to remain married to him or is this just one more thing to add to the list of things you are not happy about? Would he consider counselling?

If he is recently bereaved I would cut him some slack and have a conversation saying that him hitting your DS is unacceptable. Leaving will not solve the problem as it sounds like it was not enough to stop him having access. Apart from which you are pregnant and he don't leave the family home so I don't see a way past this at the moment.

If this is out of character I would ask him to seek counselling for his issues and tell him if he ever feels he is losing control over his actions in connection with your DS he is to walk away and tell you to take over.

I personally wouldn't leave a good marriage with a good father to my child over a slap,

Good fathers don't slap their toddlers.

OP he is telling you who he is. Listen to him.

Until you husband shows true remorse and getting help for his other issues then you can’t leave your son with him.

As for calling social services on your family MN are naive at best and damn right stupid at worst.

I would try and get some communication in writing, eg email, where you lay out what you saw and so he confirms that is what he did.

I would make staying dependent on him taking an anger management course and getting therapy for his bereavement and stress.

Make it clear that he has crossed a boundary, no physical punishment is acceptable in the future and his addressing his anger issues to ensure that he does not lash out in anger at his children is imperative.

Leave him. He hit your child - and on the head no less. While you were in the house! What has happened while you haven’t been there?What do you think he might do with your newborn when he/she can’t be settled by him? Can you honestly in your heart say you can leave your kids alone with him knowing he has done this? So sorry for your situation OP, but it’s not of your making - it’s his. He needs to go.

I was your husband, kind of. When my son was 3 I was going through an incredibly stressful time and smacked him on the leg. I was appalled at myself and it never happened again (he is 7 now). I regretted it instantly. I cannot believe I did that but was under a huge amount of pressure at the time and wasn't myself. I admitted it to my husband immediately, who wasn't pleased but understood my situation. One of my relatives is a social worker and I told her too. She knew it was out of character and was supportive. The thing is, I instantly knew I shouldn't have done it and would never let myself get so wrapped up in my own stress ever again.

A hit around the head on a 2 year old is not reasonable chastisement. It is not the same as a tap on the hand or a light snap on a clothed thigh/nappied bottom while renaining in control. Bereavement is not an excuse for what he did.

I can’t imagine being with a human who assaults an infant. There is an element of justification in your post,,well he’s had a hard time etc, and it reads to me like you’re trying to justify why you are going back and putting your son in harms way again

personally I’d be out. And the fact it’s not illegal in England is irrelevant, it is in many countries of the world. It wouldn’t have stopped him hitting this little boy.

@parenthood1989 I disagree Perfect parents may never slap or shout at or shame their child but it's been known for good parents to do so in a moment of weakness.

He hit a 2 year old around the head? What is he going to do when that 2 year old gets older and exhibits more challenging behaviour? This is not the same as a light slap on the hand/back of the legs (which I still don't agree with but wouldn't be horrified if I did see someone else do it to their child). The head is the most dangerous place to smack, if this doesn't get nipped in the bud now it will escalate so well done for getting out!

I wouldn't want to salvage the relationship after that, you will spend the rest of your life panicking about leaving them alone together in case it happens again. Every time your DH goes through a bad patch you and your child will have to tiptoe around him just in case he snaps again?

No two year old has the cognitive reasoning skills to understand why someone is hitting them, so no they don't know why they are being hit and they certainly don't know that they deserved it. The very fact that an adult thinks a child (or toddler in this instance) might deserve to be physically assaulted is proof that hitting children does in fact do damage.

OK there's a lot of "hitting the child around the head" commentary here when in reality OP stated "it was like a slap to the top of the head" that left no mark. Now I'm not diminishing what has happened but neither do I think it needs catastrophising. There isn't a single parent out there who has not been completely and utterly frustrated at their child for whatever reason and that's under normal circumstances let alone when not in their right frame of mind.
The real issue is OPs DHs refusal to take any responsibility for his actions and to then double down on that stance and blame the children. This is what you need to afford because if he cannot see that then it will happen again and then it has the potential to escalate.
I would meet up in a neutral space and talk calmly about what happened, no threats about divorce or SS or supervised access, just talk. Be his wife and encourage him to talk about everything he is going through, and if not to you then someone because he is clearly not coping very well and right now he needs support.

Good parents in a moment of weakness?

Good parents do not hit children. Not even in a moment of weakness. What a pathetic excuse for violence.

I would try and salvage this marriage if he can admit that physical punishment was the wrong course of action, and is willing to take anger management / parenting classes. So far its a one off in difficult circumstances and if he has your support he is more likely be willing to work on his behaviour. But if it happens again I would be out, and be getting SS involved.

This is coming from experience of having divorced parents, my dad use to clip me round the ear / smack me when I was staying with him for minor things. I never told my mum until after my dad died (when I was a teenager) because I was too scared (although my parents separated unrelated to any abuse).

If you really wanna leave your dh over this: off you go.

OP,
You handled things well.
I agree with above.
I think you have been unhappy for a while.

His denial/gaslighting is very sinister IMO.

I don't think it is normal to slap a 2 year old on the head.

He is so small.

I agree with the suggestion you need to take space, don't rush back.

It sounds a vulnerable situation with a new baby and an angry man.

I highly recommend you flag this with your HV and GP.

It appears something has changed in your relationship.

Protecting yourself is the best call.

I am glad I live in a part of the UK that sees assaulting a child as a criminal act.

Can you explain further. Which one of you are you ok with getting a slap? You or your infant child? Or maybe both?

also what part of that makes you think the person is a good father or husband? Good fathers and husbands don’t slap their wives or infant children.

You have a gut feeling. The terrible twos is no joke and he has to handle it. I have teenagers and a toddler, I have to explain to them how they have to behave around a 2 years old. If they can do it, so can he. If he does not recognize his wrong and take classes then you are in for troubles. It's a light word.