DH hit our 2 year old.

[Froghottub]

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons….

So as the title says really and I just don’t know what to do.

DH is having a particularly bad time at the moment following a bereavement and various other stressful things happening.

Today our 2 year old was having a generic tantrum over not getting his own way basically. DH was dealing with it and I was upstairs. I could hear DS getting upset and asking for me. After a couple of mins when he wasn’t calming down I could hear DH was getting cross and telling him off. DS was just getting more wound up at being told off so I went down to help.

As I walked into the room I saw my DH hit DS on the head. It was like a slap to the top of his head. I picked DS up and told DH to leave. An argument ensued but he eventually left the room.

I am absolutely against any form of physical punishment and it’s a very firm boundary for me and one we have never ever disagreed on before.

i have left with DS and I’m at family staying there for tonight at least.

whilst DH had said sorry to DS he’s also been argumentative, has blamed it on me, been gaslighting me and has even tried to blame DS for being ‘aggressive’. This incident was nothing beyond a typical toddler tantrum of which there are and have been many.

he admits it was wrong but isn’t taking responsibility or grasping that this is a huge thing for me.

My gut reaction is that our relationship is over, BUT, I know full well he legally has a legitimate defence that DS was being naughty and therefore he chastised him. Whilst I don’t agree with his actions I don’t suppose a court (civil or criminal) will do anything about it. If I leave him, he’ll still get contact or maybe even 50/50 with DS and then I’ll have no involvement or knowledge of how he’s treated or what’s happening whilst he’s there.

if I stay I’m condoning abusive behaviour and teaching my child that being assaulted is okay and I just can’t stomach that.

what on earth do I do for the best? Am I over reacting?

DS loves his dad and I know DH loves him. Of course I want them to have a good relationship but how can I trust someone who loses their temper and hits a child to keep the most precious thing in the world safe.

My head is spinning. Although it doesn’t change the situation at all a further consideration is that I’m 33 weeks pregnant .

I guess my AIBU is
YABU - you’re over reacting and need to calm down and resolve this
YANBU - This is too far

So I'm pretty much exactly what @BreadInCaptivity said...

I think the worrying thing here is that he lost his temper (you could here it happening) and then things turned physical from a place of anger and a loss of control. This clearly isn't a person most of us would want around newborn babies or 2 year olds. So this has caused a catastrophic loss of your trust in him.

This time there are no consequential damage to your son but the risk is there for the future and you can't and shouldn't ignore it. The worst things that can happen are very bad indeed... OTOH few humans would bear up to the challenge of being judged only by the worst thing we've ever done.

I would say separation and talking to OH possibly with some sort of therapist, contact with 2yo for short periods in the short term and parenting classes to improve his parenting skills - learning how not to be a danger to your kids is a pretty basic and reasonable demand to place on an adult. Your description of his response in the immediate aftermath is the opposite of reassuring. If he wants to (try to) rebuild trust he's going to need to get his head out of his arse.

Personally I don't think SS or the police are going to help you in the short term.

Police.

Then leave him. Change locks. Protect both your children. So sorry you are going through this x

And what do you think the police will do?

Some on this site have no clue

YANBU. Hitting a child around the head, regardless of how light, would be a complete no for me.

I haven't RTFT, took it from this quote.

Social services will not intervene for a child being clipped round the head, especially with the OP saying it wasn't hard enough to hurt.

What on earth do you think the police are doing to do??

I agree with OP that hitting a child is never OK. I however also agree that LTB is not in the best interest of the OP or the child.

I know all abuse starts as "one off" but the OP seems to have a good handle on the situation and as bad as this sounds a head slap when dad lost his temper, once, is not for me a reason to leave just yet.

I'd say to DH that it's not how we will be bringing DS up and I'd monitor situation. Not all situations like this must end in bitter divorce etc. We all lose our sh*t sometimes.

Having reported the first incident will safeguard OP if ss get involved she will be seen to be protecting her children.

it also may help in future to get supervised or no contact depending on level of threat

nothingshappeningatall · Today 11:24

“LuckySantangelo35
What on earth do you think the police are doing to do??”

Having reported the first incident will safeguard OP if ss get involved she will be seen to be protecting her children.

it also may help in future to get supervised or no contact depending on level of threat

Yes, this would be the reason if she does it.
Or she could report to the health visitor first, too I should think.

It’s not really a police matter. SS would investigate, tell him not to do it again and probably ask him to do a parenting course (experience of this from a professional side). This isn’t anywhere near the threshold for DH not getting contact again. I’m not sure the involvement would particularly help the child if the DH is already resolved not to do it again and seeking out support.

In terms of your marriage that’s entirely up to you. Personally I wouldn’t leave on the basis of this one incident. But I have a happy marriage and my DH is a an involved dad. So I would assume it was a very bad call in a stressful situation. Sometimes I think the MN reaction could traumatise children more than the original parental cock up

You’re assuming this will definitely be a one off ? That I’m my opinion is a dangerous call to make. For violence against a child you can’t take risks like that

so he clearly cant deal with tantrums you say he usually walks away and lets you deal with it-he needs to take a course in parenting

you go tto laugh at him blaming a 2 year old for being aggressive-yeah thats a good defence

OP has stated how her DP is not stable currently going through stress and a bereavement- this has resulted in their 2 year old being hit

A baby is expected soon - that will also be stressful - sleepless nights etc not to mention who will be looking after 2 year old when OP may be in hospital ? A 2 year old who tantrums and also will be then dealing with a new sibling and DP can’t cope with the stress he’s already under. It’s a recipe for disaster

I would be very surprised if anything like this happened before and I certainly have never suspected it.

How likely is it that the one and only time your husband hit your child, you just happened to walk in?

Much more likely, especially considering his blase attitude, that he's done it many times before.

I’m not saying it was right but you need to stop being so dramatic. It totally depends how hard the slap was.

You know once, my lovely gentle dad lost his temper with my son (who was probably about four) and he slapped him on the arm. I was quite shocked and my mum was cross with him but we wouldn’t have dreamed of reporting him or going no contact. It was a normal human reaction. He’d never hit me even when I was a pain in the arse teenager and it never happened again.

Are you really going to throw your marriage away over this? The replies you’re receiving aren’t representative. I can guarantee that in the real world, you wouldn’t be being this ridiculous advice. The problem with this scenario though is that he’s handed you all the power in the relationship and that power is being reinforced by these stupid replies. Thing is, these people aren’t going to have to go through a divorce and deal with being a single parent…
they’re not thinking about the bigger picture.

I was on the other side of this. I had PND and a baby with reflux. One day I lost it and hit my 2 year old. DH was at work. Never happened before or since. I understand how it happens.

Sounds like attending parenting class would be of benefit to him. I don’t agree with smacking but smacking being a total taboo is fairly recent. Millions of aged 30+ adults on the country today would claim a healthy relationship with their parents today, despite receiving occasional smacking/corporal punishment when growing up. It sounds like youre not keen on continuing the marriage though.

The fact that he's still trying to justify it/blame you/your son would stop me from going back or moving forward with him.

@VioletInsolence
The problem with this scenario though is that he’s handed you all the power in the relationship and that power is being reinforced by these stupid replies. Thing is, these people aren’t going to have to go through a divorce and deal with being a single parent…
they’re not thinking about the bigger picture

well said, I suspect the majority opinion here is totally at odds with majority opinion on the country. He needs to promise never to use violence again, and read some parenting books/attend a course etc. That of course is on the assumption that OP hasn’t married a violent/aggressive person, and that this was just a case of a decent person going through emotional turmoil losing their temper. Only the OP knows (or should know) her husband, hence asking strangers on the internet their opinion is pretty much pointless.

Do you not think that the child would show signs of being scared of his dad if it wasn't a one off?

I do not really have any advice, but I do have some experience of this type of situation, and in my case, I made the wrong decision. That said, it was wrong for our family. I realise every situation is unique.

I had written a long account of just how badly things went wrong, but when I read it, I felt so ashamed that I could not post it.

I now wish I could turn the clock back to the very first time I saw my husband hit our children. I wish I could have told him to leave, or left with the boys then. They were very young, I might have had to juggle my career a little, but that could have worked.

So, yes, I made the wrong decision, and I feel my sons, now young men with serious mental health problems, paid the price.

Leave Him

The DC is TWO and he hit him on top of his head ??
That is not on at all .

Sure but the OP has said he's not even really accepting full responsibility or regret for what he did so where does that leave her going forward?

Definitely gelt through two year old out of there. If he can blame a two year old for his need for violence then he'll never vote with a tween or teen. Shouldn't be around a child so young who can't communicate well what is happening to hi
. Check the two year old closely. This won't have been the first time. Hitting g the head is particularly aggressive and with the intent to cause harm.

His promises will be meaningless DO NOT leave your child with this violent piece of shit.