DH hit our 2 year old.

[Froghottub]

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons….

So as the title says really and I just don’t know what to do.

DH is having a particularly bad time at the moment following a bereavement and various other stressful things happening.

Today our 2 year old was having a generic tantrum over not getting his own way basically. DH was dealing with it and I was upstairs. I could hear DS getting upset and asking for me. After a couple of mins when he wasn’t calming down I could hear DH was getting cross and telling him off. DS was just getting more wound up at being told off so I went down to help.

As I walked into the room I saw my DH hit DS on the head. It was like a slap to the top of his head. I picked DS up and told DH to leave. An argument ensued but he eventually left the room.

I am absolutely against any form of physical punishment and it’s a very firm boundary for me and one we have never ever disagreed on before.

i have left with DS and I’m at family staying there for tonight at least.

whilst DH had said sorry to DS he’s also been argumentative, has blamed it on me, been gaslighting me and has even tried to blame DS for being ‘aggressive’. This incident was nothing beyond a typical toddler tantrum of which there are and have been many.

he admits it was wrong but isn’t taking responsibility or grasping that this is a huge thing for me.

My gut reaction is that our relationship is over, BUT, I know full well he legally has a legitimate defence that DS was being naughty and therefore he chastised him. Whilst I don’t agree with his actions I don’t suppose a court (civil or criminal) will do anything about it. If I leave him, he’ll still get contact or maybe even 50/50 with DS and then I’ll have no involvement or knowledge of how he’s treated or what’s happening whilst he’s there.

if I stay I’m condoning abusive behaviour and teaching my child that being assaulted is okay and I just can’t stomach that.

what on earth do I do for the best? Am I over reacting?

DS loves his dad and I know DH loves him. Of course I want them to have a good relationship but how can I trust someone who loses their temper and hits a child to keep the most precious thing in the world safe.

My head is spinning. Although it doesn’t change the situation at all a further consideration is that I’m 33 weeks pregnant .

I guess my AIBU is
YABU - you’re over reacting and need to calm down and resolve this
YANBU - This is too far

Of course it's lawful, you seem woefully uneducated on the law in a England, in a Scotland and Wales now too this wouldn't be, but in England this is not deemed unlawful and SS will have 0 interest. Nor would the police.

If the OP left DH would still be able to get 50:50

Social Services won’t care about a one off occasion unless the injuries are bad enough to open a “case”. So just in case OP keep a record, if you ever need to protect your child what you will need to demonstrate is a “pattern” in his behaviour.

I disagree, @alphapie . SS would be very interested and so would the police.

Your post is really unhelpful and could put many parents off contacting the authorities about a child at risk of serious harm. It’s a shame you put your post here.

My ex (whilst together) slapped our son when he was three and I was so furious but it never happened again. Maybe if you read your husband the riot act and told him in no uncertain terms that it’s to never happen again and there are no second chances, you will leave permanently and report him to SS if he does.

I can't believe that it's legal to hit a young child on the head.

It's very worrying that he's not taking responsibility & worse that he is trying to blame you.

I can understand why you don't want to split & risk him having the kids alone.

But then if you think that he couldn't be trusted on his own with the kids-that sort of confirms why you should leave.

Except at the current time, there is no suggestion that the child is "at serious risk of harm" @FrancescaContini

@FrancescaContini you might disagree, but you're wrong.

There is no mark, and the DH will argue reasonable punishment. Posters are dramaticising things buy saying 'walloped round the head' 'hit round the head' it was a slap on the top of the head. Very different when it comes to what is 'reasonable' or not

I’m not sure what I would do but don’t think I would feel the same about my DH after such an incident. The way he reacted afterwards is even more worrying. I think that would be the game changer for me.

I was smacked as a kid and I have smacked my kids. I don’t and didn’t think it is right. It wasn’t a beating, it was a smack when completely overwhelmed and I apologised and it only happened a few times.

Where I come from you see parents smacking their children and it just becomes normal. It wasn’t something that bothered me as a child - being told off or having something taken away was much more effective.

I think have a chat with him and discuss it and see what he says. Hopefully he will agree that he was wrong, that it isn’t a time for excuses and that toddlers are easily frustrated and communicate in the only way they can and we can’t and shouldn’t smack them.

Even at a time when smacking children was more accepted than now, hitting a small child over the HEAD would not have been considered as reasonable. One could do a lot of damage that way,

I'm very surprised by your posts.

I'm from a generation that was smacked and that smacked. I only smacked my children a literal handful of times and always on the leg and never leaving a mark. Looking back I regret doing even that. My parents would never have slapped us around the head and I certainly wouldn't have dreamt of doing it to mine.

The only "slapping" I can think of that ok is that light fake slap that you might do in a light hearted way. That is the only hit/slap around the head that is at all ok. This is not that.

Did you discuss smacking before you had DC?
Many parents use it as part of their parenting.

What would upset me the most out of this situation is that it was done out of anger instead of discipline.

There we’re two of you in the house and he could have walked away or asked you to swap so he can calm down.

Toddlers are very difficult.
Going forward you need to know that if he ever is getting to the point of lashing out again then he needs to walk away and take a couple of minutes before returning.

I am against smacking as I wouldn’t smack my dog and expect it to understand, so why would I expect a toddler to understand.

However, I have smacked my DD in a similar way to your DH.
She went through a biting phase and sank her teeth into my leg really hard and I smacked her across the head as a reaction to get her off me like you would when you squat a fly out of the way type thing - she wasn’t injured at all.

That incident made me realise I’ll never hit her again and I need to find a different way to deal with things.
Your DH could feel the same and it could make him less likely to smack him in the future.

Don't downplay what's happened here because in your view the 'law allows it'. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You have an abusive partner who hit your child on the head. If you don't report & do what you can to get your baby son out of harm's way, you're complicit in any abuse going forward.

I'm kinda appalled tbh that you've already decided your son isn't worth the protection and overview of the law.

You HAVE to report this to social services. You simply have to. Say you split, and DS has time with his father unsupervised. Professionals need to be aware of this incident so that if injuries or concerns present themselves there's a picture and a pattern being built up.

If anyone physically hurt my child you'd better believe it'd be reported to every possible avenue, even if police and SS say that at this time there hasn't been a law broken it has to be on their radar. Your husband has to experience consequences and know that he can't go around attacking his toddler without there being consequences.

I would say you are probably over-reacting. I am of a generation where corporal punishment was starting to be phased out in school, and I certainly was physically punished by both parents (not often and not at the same time). I can't see what you would gain by splitting up. Your children would be the losers longterm. You both need to calm down.

Personally, I wouldn't have walked out over one slap to the head, assuming it didn't cause injury, and it was the first time it had ever happened. I would however consider leaving on the basis of his response to it, which seems to make it more likely it could become a pattern of behaviour, which is much more serious, or escalate. I think I would be giving an ultimatum that he gets help with his stress/mental health or you'll be filing for divorce. I don't think you can stop him seeing the child though, what he did just doesn't legally meet the threshold, as you said. I mean obviously he might choose not to see the child, and you could choose not to let him without a court order, but if he applies to court he will get shared custody.

No mark, does not mean no injury.
A slap is enough to cause whiplash or a head injury in a young child.
A baby shaken to death would gave no marks on it.
Contact SS OP and get this on record, when your child has a broken limb or school pick up on bruising, at least the bastard will have form for it and won't be easily able to try to blame it on you. If you don't report and do nothing, you are complicit.
If you stay with him, you are effectively agreeing to stay in a situation where you are agreeing to police his behaviour 24/7, are you able to do this? What about when you go to work?
Ring your local women's aid and get some RL advice.

Can you ask him to take a parenting for toddlers course and to assure you that he never hits DC again. Be very clear that if he hits again you will divorce him.

A controlled smack on the bum could be considered chastisement (illegal in Wales mind, thank goodness).

A smack on the head is physical abuse/assault and is illegal in every part of the U.K.

they [social services] can’t do anything about it, it won’t stop him getting contact and then I’ll have to send him off for several days a week and sit at home worrying what’s going on.

I think you are right: You can leave your DH, but that does not mean your child can.

It’s possible but probably not guaranteed that courts would make an order that at first meetings would be supervised. Could you see a good Family solicitor to get real advice as soon as possible?

What is particularly bad is that your DH hit
him on the top of the head. That is dangerous, and It somehow also seems like there was an intent to really hurt. As you saw, you’ll know best and should trust yourself to know. Your DH could well have that aggression in him.

Also, does he believe in physical ‘chastisement’? Would that be his parenting method in the future? Why hadn’t he said he is sorry? I think it is not legal in the U.K.

Should you tell SS? I am not sure what other posters think, but I think as your DH hit him on the head you should. It would be to protect your DS in the future should there be a question of having to leave your DS alone with him.

Also, when did it happen? Take DS to see a GP to check him for signs of head injury. This is important too.

If you want to stay with your DH, does he really love your son? How does he treat you, truthfully? His not apologising does not seem to point to someone who is very nice.

Was this action on his part completely out of his normal character? If you think he is normally kind and loving, and this certainly was out of character, you could insist on not going back until he has been to a special sort of parenting class; anger management; bereavement counselling; and seen a GP for depression.

OP, well done on you for temporarily leaving until the situation has calmed down. You aren’t overreacting in the slightest and I’m really sorry this is happening to you and your little one.

There isn’t a right or wrong answer here, you are right about what the courts would think. However, why did he hit your toddler on the head? Why not back of leg etc? (Not that I agree with smacking). At the VERY LEAST please have a chat with the health visitor, they are very experienced in these type of issues and will refer to SS if they deem appropriate (quite possible).

Everyone experiences parenting failures from time to time but this is pretty significant, is you husband willing to engage with the health visitor or social services? Admit that he is struggling? Does he understand about normal toddler behaviour? If he walks away and calms down during your arguments why wasn’t he able to do the same/swap with you with your toddler? Him working on his issues is the best of all scenarios for your toddlers relationship with him and your family and relationship overall.

This is salvageable and could improve things even, but it’s entirely dependent on whether he truly accepts the issue is his alone and not you or your toddlers behaviour. There are some red flags you’ve mentioned about his behaviour during arguments though, and these would be worth exploring with the health visitor too. They are there to support all of you as it’s in your child’s (and soon to be children's) interest.

Jesus, stop saying he was “chastising” the child for his “bad behaviour”.

No behaviour in a 2yo is “bad”.
Hitting is not “chastising”.

Fuck this pisses me off more than what you say your husband did, you trying to provide some sort of “perspective”.

The only perspective here is that a small child was being a small child and a huge grown up whacked that small child to alleviate their frustration.

Tbh I think the law is irrelevant here. What matters is that you and he are parents to this tiny person and it is your responsibility to care for them and keep them safe. Do that.

In all honesty, so think it very likely that your husband, presumably to be ex given your very strident reaction, is more than capable of rehabilitation if he commits to getting support for managing anger.

You both need to take a step back and look at solutions.

It is a difficult one, but you do not know at this point if the contact will be 50/50.

The family court is a potentially difficult thing to navigate that is completely true.

However, you have reached a fork in the road here. Either you ignore it, in which case if it escalates you will be blamed for it (and your child will continue to suffer) - or you report it NOW - and initiate seperation/divorce.

There is no middle way on this one. You are going to have to be courageous and defend your child. Your child's relating to their father has already changed.

If you stay with him, you are effectively agreeing to stay in a situation where you are agreeing to police his behaviour 24/7, are you able to do this?

Leaving may not necessarily solve this. OP needs legal advice about this. If she leaves, would what her husband did mean her DS could be properly protected from his father in the future? Or not?

We hear all the time that courts often order children to see abusive fathers, where their mothers won’t even be there for 1hr out of 24. This is the dilemma.

This might not be the first time he has hit your son

I would record him admitting it - maybe have a friend on zoom etc and record the meeting and then phone and ask him on speaker phone etc

but really he will have contact to your son - mine does and has but for the sake of the child involve the police - but it will be the end of your marriage and a court blood bath - mine was