DH hit our 2 year old.

[Froghottub]

I’ve name changed for obvious reasons….

So as the title says really and I just don’t know what to do.

DH is having a particularly bad time at the moment following a bereavement and various other stressful things happening.

Today our 2 year old was having a generic tantrum over not getting his own way basically. DH was dealing with it and I was upstairs. I could hear DS getting upset and asking for me. After a couple of mins when he wasn’t calming down I could hear DH was getting cross and telling him off. DS was just getting more wound up at being told off so I went down to help.

As I walked into the room I saw my DH hit DS on the head. It was like a slap to the top of his head. I picked DS up and told DH to leave. An argument ensued but he eventually left the room.

I am absolutely against any form of physical punishment and it’s a very firm boundary for me and one we have never ever disagreed on before.

i have left with DS and I’m at family staying there for tonight at least.

whilst DH had said sorry to DS he’s also been argumentative, has blamed it on me, been gaslighting me and has even tried to blame DS for being ‘aggressive’. This incident was nothing beyond a typical toddler tantrum of which there are and have been many.

he admits it was wrong but isn’t taking responsibility or grasping that this is a huge thing for me.

My gut reaction is that our relationship is over, BUT, I know full well he legally has a legitimate defence that DS was being naughty and therefore he chastised him. Whilst I don’t agree with his actions I don’t suppose a court (civil or criminal) will do anything about it. If I leave him, he’ll still get contact or maybe even 50/50 with DS and then I’ll have no involvement or knowledge of how he’s treated or what’s happening whilst he’s there.

if I stay I’m condoning abusive behaviour and teaching my child that being assaulted is okay and I just can’t stomach that.

what on earth do I do for the best? Am I over reacting?

DS loves his dad and I know DH loves him. Of course I want them to have a good relationship but how can I trust someone who loses their temper and hits a child to keep the most precious thing in the world safe.

My head is spinning. Although it doesn’t change the situation at all a further consideration is that I’m 33 weeks pregnant .

I guess my AIBU is
YABU - you’re over reacting and need to calm down and resolve this
YANBU - This is too far

Exactly, you owned it, admitted it was wrong and didn't repeat it. It sounds like husband needs counselling and support to help with his grief and stress, and both need a functional strategy to manage the child's bad behaviour before either gets pushed to the limit.
What he did was wrong, but I think it is getting a bit dramatic.

Im not sure I’d want DS to lose his relationship with his dad which is generally loving and good over this, but I want to keep him safe and never in that situation again. I’m not sure there’s a resolution to this.

All told from your last post you do think it was out of character. You are worried about leaving him too. You do not think he hurt your DS or that he has done this before.

So why not insist on counselling for what you say he is going through, on his seeing a GP to discuss whether anti-depressants might help while he gets counselling; insist that he takes an anger management course; and also goes to a parenting toddlers course?

Is hitting a dc about the head really reasonable chastisement? I know a tap on the hand or bottom can be viewed as such (in England) but the head is surely a different matter?

Pointless advice. It's already been explained it's not illegal and OP has no right to bar him from his own house

So you're effectively saying OP should stay with him as it's likely he will want 50/50?

Great advice. Not.

It’s never reasonable to hit anyone on the head, least of all a small child.

In what circumstances - apart from self defence against an ADULT - would this be considered reasonable?

If Op and her partner were arguing and he hit her across the head he would have crossed a line. It would not be considered ok. Not by the police, not by woman’s aid and not by social services if her child had witnessed it. They would take action. To do it to a two year old, a baby, may be legal but it shouldn’t be. Fortunately Op has taken action. I don’t think this necessarily means the end to the marriage but the partner needs to acknowledge what he has done and get help before they can move on together.

@FrancescaContini your ignorance isn't my issue tbh, as many other posters have detailed, this is not a police or SS matter, nothing will be done as he hasn't broken the law, and SS won't be able to see a long term risk of harm as the mother is a protective factor.

Just because you don't understand what's legal and what's not doesn't change the facts in this case.

The only way he is going to stop is if he is made to. He hasn’t accepted responsibility.

Leave. Call SS and tell them. Make him go to a parenting course. Insist his family members are there for contact. Otherwise he will hot and hit again until the child gets hurt or he gets arrested.

If you don’t leave and he kills your child what will you do?

If Ss find out you know he’s been hitting and did nothing, what will you do?

It’s awful, and you must be in shock (💐) but you have to be firm. You will cope.

I agree with FrancescaContini

It is never reasonable to hit anyone on the head. It is not pointless telling the child's HV, GP, NSPCC or even SS directly, as whilst the act was not illegal or actionable, from a child protection perspective the mother needs to be seen to be taking it seriously as she has already done by removing the child from the father.

Nobody knows how hard the hit / slap was. Nobody knows if this was an initial incident. Nobody knows if it will happen again.

If there were any further instances, SS may deem the mother to not be putting the child's needs first, especially if they felt in any way that she didn't take the first incident seriously.

I'm speaking from lived experience of knowing a child that was temporarily removed from her mother because the mother wanted to continue the relationship with the person who hit her child. We all thought it was the first time, but she had many old fractures that showed up on x-ray.

I find you very arrogant. I also dislike how you’ve minimised what the father did to his small child: you use the word “hit” as you dislike “whacked” and “walloped”.

Hitting a child on the head is…hitting a child on the head. In what circumstances could this be considered “reasonable”, as per your previous post?

Are you an apologist for adults physically assaulting small children?

I agree with this. A complete overreaction on the part of OP. Only on Mumsnet do women leave a partner because of a minor incident. It wasn't a great reaction to being head butted but it's not a LTB scenario.
Move on. If it's a regular occurrence then that's different, but as far as I can see it was a one off. The husband probably tried to turn it against the OP out of guilt.

Where do you stay? It’s illegal to hit a child in Scotland, and I think England is also bringing in the same laws do your husband doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

The OP has already said they're in England, so her DH has a leg to stand on.

Unless you think laws are brought in and then everyone who has ever committed the new crime is arrested and charged after the fact

I'd split on the basis that

1. DS will know you were in his corner
2. If you dont then his excuse has been validated and could escalate, especially as he is justifying it so could become a tip of an iceberg.
3. He isnt saying he wants to avoid that style of discipline on the future. He says it was acceptable because XYZ and you disagree.

Report so the concern is on file. Then find an angle to minimise time he spends with DS alone. Perhaps you give him Saturday for days out (where he cant react that way in public) or tea with your son with you upstairs or out with grandparents or macdonalds. Try not to let on you are doing it and make it appear you are giving him what he wants by way if access. But having less time with DS means he has less time to react and he may do better playing disney dad and avoiding tantrums.

The issue is with your last paragraph is Op has no control over this, her DH can and most likely would go for 50:50 and get it. She can't control that he only gets their child for a day out in public.

Was it a minor event? Women are often fussed about when they get upset. Would you normally leave your house in the middle of the night for a "minor incident." Knowing what you know about the law but nevertheless taking the step to remove yourself from the situation? Methink you were so in shock that you cannot admit to yourself what really occured. Even if it was minor it stopped being minor the minute he opened his mouth. Again. My grandma left my grandpa 70 years ago for a "smack" on her dear child. 70 years ago corporal punishment was everywhere even at schools. She had a hunch. She was right. You have a hunch OP, trust yourself. Take actions that are relevant but in this situation were you were gaslighted make sure that you trust your gut instinct. All the best OP.

He'll have unsupervised access if she leaves him

The OP is most definitely between a rock and a hard place.

You're right Nanny0gg. But for people who are abused as children, the trauma from their non-abusive parent standing by and letting it happen can be almost as bad as the trauma from the abuse itself. Now if this is a one off then the child will likely have no memory of it at all, but if (as seems likely) the husband will do it again... the OP will need to answer questions from her son in the future.

How are you feeling now OP? Hope you are ok and have got things sorted in your mind.

There is absolutely no way I would leave in this situation.

I would hope and prey it was a one off, I would absolutely make my position clear and assure my husband I would leave the country if I had to if he ever did anything remotely violent against my child again.

I really don’t think leaving your two year old alone (access) with a dad that loses his temper ‘is having your child’s back’. Having your child’s back, is being present and available to protect them if the need arises (this isn’t a situation where the OP is in danger and it is not a regular occurrence for child).

for those who think social services are going to stop contact over one slap, you are deluded!! There are children under strict supervision from SS who are being killed by their parents.

He will also have unsupervised access if she stays. She can't be there 24/7 for the next 16years.

@CanaryShoulderedThorn

It would be a lot less though and it’s not really for 16 years, it’s more whilst OP,s child is small and vulnerable with no voice.

I honestly couldn't justify a way back after this or trust him. How do you know it's the first time? It might just be the first time he's been caught...
So sorry you're going through this :(