To think a 10 year old should know and understand they have to do basic hygiene tasks.

[Sofedupofitall]

She just won’t. She hates showering, hates washing and brushing her hair, hates brushing her teeth. She won’t even go for a wee before bed or in the morning when she wakes up. It’s ridiculous!

I’ve told her she will have urine infections, no teeth left by 20, hair will need chopping off etc etc. She just doesn’t care. I’ve given up tonight as I’m done in. She’s been vile all day. Arguing and shouting at me. Even started hitting my arm because she was bloody bored.

m No need for suggestions. I don’t think there is any. I can’t force a 10 year old into the shower and I can’t make her see reason either. Just need to vent.

'She is asserting her autonomy by challenging YOUR helicopter tendency. Perfectly normal :-)'

It isn't helicopter parenting to tell your kid to have a shower.

Slight tangent - but why on earth are people obsessive about deodorant? I don't use the stuff. All the blasted chemicals and artificial chemicals. And it doesn't work terribly well. I just wash

She can only make a massive drama if she has an audience. Stop buying tickets to the show.

I think she’s stubborn and doesn’t like being told what to do.

Lots of strong women are exactly like that, and we started young.

There is natural deodorant that has no chemicals and is nontoxic. Here is full list ingredients of what I use:

100% Natural Deodorant, Plastic Free: Cocos Nucifera (Virgin Coconut) Oil, Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil, Sodium Bicarbonate, Maranta Arundinacea (Arrowroot) Root, Cera Alba (Beeswax), British Kaolin Clay, Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavender) Leaf Oil, Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Leaf Oil, Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Leaf Oil, Cymbopogon Citratus (Lemongrass) Leaf Oil, +Geraniol, +Linalool, +Limonene, +Citral (*Certified Organic, ^Food Grade, +Naturally Occurring in Essential Oils).

Slight tangent - but why on earth are people obsessive about deodorant? I don't use the stuff. All the blasted chemicals and artificial chemicals. And it doesn't work terribly well. I just wash with chemicals instead.

You forgot the end of your sentence!

I'm not obsessive about it. I just use it.

But taking away these things doesn’t bother her at the time. She is bothered after when she doesn’t have them but it certainly doesn’t make her shower at the time.

If you look my daughter went in a pool after 2 days of not showering. The other posters daughter had two weeks of showering but no mention of a pool.

Yay. A poster who agrees with me. Finally.

I wish posters would stop these sofa diagnoses of ASD.

I am an educational professional who's worked with kids and adults with ASD. It's a very complex area which is why it's diagnosed by drs, and educational psychologists with teacher/ parental input.

Statistically, it's more likely this child has not got ASD. Just because some parents on here have kids with ASD who exhibit these behaviours, doesn't mean the OP's DD is ASD!

When kids are 10 it's the prime age to start asserting authority and rebelling.

@Sofedupofitall As some posters have said, you need to come at this as a parenting issue, regardless of any 'label' that may or may not be accurate.

This not washing could be the start of the pre-teen and teenage years of pushing back against all you want her to do. Now, it's washing, in 3 years time it might be clothes, makeup, drugs, drinking, smoking...who knows!

It will be seen as neglectful by her school if she arrives smelling, dirty and with unkempt hair.

You need to find a way around all of this. NOT by taking things away but by giving treats and rewards for good behaviour.

Taking things away just causes resentment and doesn't work.

Reward good behaviour is the way to go.

But you also need to have a serious and frank discussion and tell her that people notice she smells.

You could also involve her school and a teacher to talk to her about her personal hygiene.

@PortMac yes someone else who is completely clueless about ASD ! Assuming it might be that before I get flamed. All I know is that if I even gently attempted to guide my autistic dd10 into the shower she would scream the place down and I have neighbours to think of.

Oh dear god I went through this and am still doing 5 years later.

mine is a high functioning autistic but lockdown and masks have a lot to answer for.

I tried everything- too her out to spas, brought nice products, good counselling for her, brought her facials, ranted at her, cried, etc

I don’t just think it is autism as many of my friends went through it - young girls hear so much about male attention, rape and assault that some use it self consciously to ‘appear less attractive’ we have the same girls in one group at school, long glossy hair, shaved legs, white bleached teeth, tan and fake nails and then her group of horsey made types who are just into literature and geeks and she falls in the latter.

Mine is 15 and just turning a corner - hang in there

Oh and Boys are worse they properly stink and will happily live in a pit of a bedroom - it’s called being a teenager

Totally agree, this is disgusting. Remove privileges, toys, treats, whatever until she conforms.

Then you need to tell her teacher. Her friends probably know she stinks as well. Even if you have to March her to the bathroom and stand there while she does it , you need to step up and be a parent. You are part of this problem, this is neglect. She is 10yo not an adult!

@Sofedupofitall But taking away these things doesn’t bother her at the time. She is bothered after when she doesn’t have them but it certainly doesn’t make her shower at the time.
You have to keep on at it. Eventually she'll learn. "No, if you're not sensible enough to go in the shower when you're asked, you're not sensible enough to go out to play/watch tv/ use a tablet"

You could use old enough instead of sensible enough, depends on your Dd and why she's refusing. Only you know that. If it's a reaction to growing up then don't use old enough!

What do all the "make her" posters suggest? Physically manhandling an uncooperative child into the shower and physically restraining her whilst you wash her?

Exactly!! It's hard enough bathing my toddler when she doesn't want to cooperate (once in a blue moon, thank goodness), how one could physically force a ten year old into it if she was making a concerted effort to resist, I have no idea. Forcibly stripping a resisting child and restraining them for the sake of a bath isn't my idea of great parenting anyway.

Well, for example I doubt any of us 'made' our kids use potties did we? There certainly wasn't any physically manhandling ours. We taught them and encouraged them, much as with all aspects of parenting offering incentives tends to work whether it is stickers when little or screen time when older.

Parenting is about taking control and not letting a 10yr old dicate what they will do. This poor kid needs incentives now or else she'll be a prime target for bullies at secondary school if not already.

so you stand firm. you do not give in. her actions have consequences.

For contrast, my 13yo ASD boy is the total opposite so not all ASD children are soap dodgers. Daily shower and hair wash here plus flosses and brushes teeth twice a day.

The difference with him and his ASD is it has to be a daily routine. It can't be an occasional thing or a 'you're getting stinky, get in the shower' thing. It has to be scheduled, routine, same every day just like going to school routine or mealtimes etc.

Same time every night his Alexa goes off with 'time for bed' and he has a shower, washes hair and body, cleans and flosses teeth and gets ready to read in bed. He's had a variation of this routine (greater parental support when he was younger) every day that he can remember and he doesn't question it.

I would try and instigate some sort of basic routine on a very low level to begin with and build on it slowly.

Well it was successful today. I told her after school that she needed a shower and hair wash and she did it. Needed to be told twice but then I heard the shower go on and her hair was properly washed and she smelt fresh. She’d got most of the knots out of her hair too. A much happier and calmer evening

I never wee before bed or first thing in the morning, I go when I need to go. As for it causing UTI’s if you don’t, I have never had one in my entire life or heard of that before.

The child is not autistic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@PortMac looks like all is ok now anyway lucky OP not having an autistic child eh?