To think a 10 year old should know and understand they have to do basic hygiene tasks.

[Sofedupofitall]

She just won’t. She hates showering, hates washing and brushing her hair, hates brushing her teeth. She won’t even go for a wee before bed or in the morning when she wakes up. It’s ridiculous!

I’ve told her she will have urine infections, no teeth left by 20, hair will need chopping off etc etc. She just doesn’t care. I’ve given up tonight as I’m done in. She’s been vile all day. Arguing and shouting at me. Even started hitting my arm because she was bloody bored.

m No need for suggestions. I don’t think there is any. I can’t force a 10 year old into the shower and I can’t make her see reason either. Just need to vent.

This is my DD op, she has Autism and pathological demand avoidance, maybe do some reading up on as even if your DD doesn’t have sen it might give you some ideas of how to tackle this.
Its been a constant battle for us, I’ve been writing very simple step by step guides as reminders and put them in the bathroom for her and this helps but it’s not 100% effective.
Is there any particular interest or activity that she loves that you can say she can’t do until teeth brushed or shower done?

My DS 14 is very resistant to washing but once he gets in the shower or bath he'll be in there for hours. I have to remind/ nag him about his teeth every morning and evening and he still won't do them. He'll also frequently go to bed in his school polo shirt and would wear it all night and again to school if I let him.

He was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder when he was little. He used to scream when it was bath time he hated it so much so I guess we have made progress. He also has problems with fine motor skills so struggles to manage the toothbrush effectively. I am sure he also has ADHD but no one has ever listened when I've said it, and is most probably lightly on the autistic spectrum - it tends to go with SPD. I would also combine all of the above with being a lazy teenage boy. He is starting to get interested in girls so I hope that kick starts a better routine. It blows my mind that teeth brushing and showering are not automatic events now, but they are not.

@Genericusername1234 another expert

Disliking showering is not an autistic trait. Lots of autistic kids don’t like showering for various reasons.

Contradictory or what ??

Its not contradictory at all if you read the whole post. The showering issue by itself is not a trait of autism and it’s very obvious that was the point from the sentence that comes after, which is why you have deleted it.
What are you actually trying to argue here? Are you saying anyone who doesn’t like showering is now autistic? ridiculous 🙄

This isn't normal tbh

I'd be getting her assessed and in the mean time moving to logical consequences to see if that helps

'I want sweets' oh sorry, but because we need to protect your teeth as you're not brushing them you can't have them.

'I want to go to x persons house' sorry but as you're not having a shower you can't really go out to play as you'll get even dirtier

Link the consequence to the action and they soon learn

Imo there is a difference between the typical teen not wanting to shower or bother with your teeth all the time and what the OP describes.

I myself was guilty of running the shower and patting water on a towel to make it look like I had showered at home sometimes as I was lazy (tbh didn't put 2 and 2 together that it would have been just as much effort to actually stand in the shower whilst it was running) and forgetting to do my teeth, but what the OP describes is much more than that

I haven’t read the whole thread just some of it.
I’ve got four girls, three in their twenties now and one who is 10 (with SEN)
The older ones ALL had a phase of being smelly, greasy water dodgers. Starting secondary school was the catalyst for change, far more than my pleading, threats, etc ever we’re. They wanted to be acceptable to their peers and being a BO greaseball did not achieve that.
i think sometimes at this age they just want to find something they can begin the process of pulling away and doing what they want, flexing thier no and body autonomy (it’s a healthy phase even if the poor hygiene is not!)

with the youngest I encourage a bath by presenting it as something nice I want to do to care for her. So I will say “you look like you’ve been super hot and sticky today, that must feel uncomfortable? How about I do a nice bath with the posh bubble bath, some candles and you can relax with your audiobook on” it might sound simple and like my child is easily swayed. She isn’t. She is autistic with ADHD and PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and does absolutely nothing she doesn’t want to do, forcing doesn’t work, but ‘selling it’ often does. It also helps to explain to her that I want her to be clean and fresh because I love her and care about her and that there is also a bottom line of if she’s turns up at school stinky and greasy constantly they might think I’m not being a good mum. She gets very angry that they might think that about me and sometimes she stews in her own juice for a while before agreeing to a wash/shower/bath but it has become HER choice rather than me nagging and cajoling etc and making it my demand to her.

Well I’m an autistic person with an autistic child who has published on autism and makes their living from writing and delivering autism training, so….yes I am an expert. 🙂

I also agree with a PP who said, no bathing or showering = no swimming. That’s logical consequences.

It’s a swimming pool not a Roman bath and she doesn’t get to permeate her mingy dirt into the pool and on other swimmers.

I can’t believe how many people are obsessed with diagnosing a child for just wanting to not shower?? It’s madness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some posters on MN are obsessed with every child having autism or ADHD. Do not listen!!

to me it sounds like DD is going through a stage where she wants to be an adult, and sees the showering thing as you nagging. She’s a big girl now and can make her own decisions.

so my suggestions…

does she have anyone older she looks up to? Older cousin? Older Friend? Who maybe you could just ask to discuss their shower routine? Not aimed at her… but just say “wow have you smelt this new shower gel?”

Does she have any favourite celebrities? YouTubers? You could say “I saw online that XXX said they love this shampoo”

You could buy yourself some new shampoo. Garnier do a new shampoo called hair foods and it smells incredible. You could say “DD I’ve just bought myself this new shampoo, doesn’t it smell amazing” or if she’s with you in the shop ask her to help you choose one. But make sure you’re insistent it’s for YOU. Not for her. She may tell you she likes the smell and you could say “well you can use it too”

Ask her friends parents what shampoo/shower gel they use… so you can say “XXX’s mum was saying she uses this shampoo so I thought I’d try it”

Id say just speak to her as if she’s your girlfriend & how you’d talk about beauty products. Don’t limit it to just shampoo’s and Showegels. Talk about moisturisers, cleansers etc.

When my brother was younger he’d HATE the feel of shampoo on his hands so we’d have to go in mid shower and put it on his head for him. That’s a trait of Autism, but he doesn’t have Autism. He just didn’t like things on his hands.

People are quick to say maybe she has asd which could be of course a possibility but not every child or adult with asd lacks personal hygiene skills. I'm autistic, as are my children and personal hygiene is really important to us!

DD1 can be like this - she flip flops between wanting to pamper herself and take hours in the bathroom and periods of utter soap dodging. We're just quite calm and firm with the showering and the toothbrushing.

The hair-brushing though - after that hitting the point of starting to develop mats and having to force her to let me sort them out, we talked through it and she decided she wanted to get it cut short into a jaw length bob which is much easier to manage, she's happier with it, and it actually suits her a lot more (she's "blessed" with my hair that's a bastard to manage - naturally fine and gets lank soooo quickly).

You cant make her shower, clean her teeth, brush her hair !! Never heard such rubbish, she is 10yrs old. Stop letting her be the boss, stop everything she likes, dont allow her out to play with friends, stop play dates, days out, internet, tablet, tv etc etc. You are the problem here

'How do I make her?'

You give her incentives and rewards. Shouldn't need to obviously, but if she's dirty and smelly needs must. It's like sticker charts when they are younger and you want them to tidy their room or eat their veg. Find what she likes be it screen time or sweets and say right have a shower clean your teeth then you get your tablet for an hour.

This will get worse as she goes through puberty you need to be firm now.

DD13 with ASD and ADHD

Diagnosis at secondary because we all missed it.

Things that have worked on the hygiene battle.

Toothbrush that is for kids with sensory issues
Toothpaste that isn't too minty (Colgate lemon one)
Treat/reward for showering herself
Switching Wi-Fi off if she doesn't

Periods were a turning point, she really struggled with it so modibodi period pants have been a godsend

Also peer pressure is useful, when she hit 13 and her friends started using face masks for fun etc she joined in.

One last thing though, one of the best tips I got (with SEN girls) is to remember that emotionally they are a third behind their peers apparently. So it sometimes helps to think that my 13 year old is 9 in her head. It makes sense about a lot of things but other times she is a typical teen.

There need to be consequences for not doing these things, or benefits to doing them.

Time invested now will pay off over the years.

I will never understand the attitude on MN to dc who aren’t diagnosed with SN but are having difficulty with something. It’s always “just make her”, punishments, shaming etc. Why are neurotypical children not deserving of respect and kindness? Distress is only acceptable if you can label it?

The sensible approach would be to acknowledge that this is a problem for this child, and take advice from people who have experience with dealing with similar issues with SN children.

My neurotypical child has benefitted enormously from the parenting techniques I’ve learned to deal with my autistic child.

He’s not excused from personal hygiene by the way - we just all work harder at these things. When posters suggest there might be SEN at play, it is NOT a way of saying it’s an excuse for everything or some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s a suggestion that you might need to stop, look at what’s happening from a different perspective and try a different approach.

A huge amount of the ‘advice” trotted out after the phrase “assuming no SN” is pretty close to child abuse or bullying.

My 9yr old is the same, not with hygiene but with being stubborn and not liking being told what to do. Absolute angel at school but can turn into a different person at home; school would never believe it if we told them what she can be like.

Also the getting distracted when she actually starts doing something, and needing reminders to keep on track that someone else mentioned.

It can be very stressful.

Yes. It's parenting isn't it. I prefer rewards and benefits but if that doesn't work then removing a treat until the penny drops is equally as effective.

Its puberty

At 10, her hormones are kicking in (some girls have periods by this age.)

She is rebelling.

Stop listening to the ASD diagnoses. I taught kids with ASD and know they do not all behave like this.

You achieve more with a carrot than a stick.

So find rewards for good behaviour.

Maybe there are some treats she'd like-places to go, clothes, whatever.
Maybe make it a weekly treat if she achieves a certain goal- like showering daily, etc.

Choose a moment to discuss it when she's not rebelling. Talk, don't shout.

Tell her that as a 'young woman' her body is changing. She must understand that at her age, girls can smell as their bodies change if they go for days without washing. Be honest and tell her that other people will notice.

She might respond to you buying nice shower gels etc but on the other hand she may see it as more 'force' to do something she doesn't want to do- play it by ear.

This was my daughter until her dad told her if she didn’t voluntarily get in the shower then he would be bathing her, she got in the shower.
she still brings it up, she’s 37!

The problem is that if she does get called smelly at school she will never lose that label. My children were the same and I did end up going nuclear about it. Yes it was wi fi off which was very effective. Because the longer they argued the longer it stayed off.
I told them I had all day. I could go all day without WiFi. Mate, in the time you've raged at the injustice you could have been washed. Same with toothbrushing. Do it an hour before bed and you get another hour of tv/Netflix. Don't do it and it's off for the rest of the night.
They are still reluctant washers but I don't care if we have no plans. School days and trips out its a non negotiable.

Only an appropriate consultant after a series of investigations will diagnose autism/ ADHD which can take years. Many posters have recognised the extent of the issue from their own experience of neurodiverse children and queried if it's a possibility and if there are any other signs. Normally before posting on MN, parents have tried various strategies before exhausting them. Sometimes strategies pitched at ND children also work on NT children. The posters saying get tough are unlikely to have the answer because if the child is ND, it's likely to backfire spectacularly, and OP is likely to have tried the normal range of boundaries anyway. My NT child has learned from experience that brushing his teeth on the playground is not cool and doesn't want to repeat it. My (then undiagnosed) ND child learned nothing from the stand-off about him not leaving the house with unbrushed teeth and missing all the fun part of his brother's birthday party when he arrived over an hour late.

No one is doing any diagnosing here, but raising the question may lead to OP identifying other traits that build up a picture that can help manage the issue, and is it an isolated issue or not.

Parents tend to seek investigation/ diagnosis because they care, and want to know how to parent their child appropriately and are struggling with conventional strategies. It's not a cop-out and doesn't result in magic solutions, but can help understanding and sometimes in resources (but they're thin on the ground).

My entirely neurotypical teenager went through a soap dodger phase. She now slathers herself in my expensive toiletries with alarming regularity.