To think a 10 year old should know and understand they have to do basic hygiene tasks.

[Sofedupofitall]

She just won’t. She hates showering, hates washing and brushing her hair, hates brushing her teeth. She won’t even go for a wee before bed or in the morning when she wakes up. It’s ridiculous!

I’ve told her she will have urine infections, no teeth left by 20, hair will need chopping off etc etc. She just doesn’t care. I’ve given up tonight as I’m done in. She’s been vile all day. Arguing and shouting at me. Even started hitting my arm because she was bloody bored.

m No need for suggestions. I don’t think there is any. I can’t force a 10 year old into the shower and I can’t make her see reason either. Just need to vent.

Mine would rather not shower so they aren't allowed screen time/free time until they do.
Business before pleasure.

Op I think you need to make clear what and when needs to be washed and introduce consequences in case she won't oblige. Personal hygiene, teeth especially, is do so important and you have to force the issue.
My dc will oblige most of the time if they are in danger of loosing their screen time.
I think this isn't an issue you can just ignore, because the health complications that could arise from this.

And that’s so heartbreaking because…

What are the consequences of not doing these things?

No WiFi? No TV? What motivator are you using?

Eg "when you've had a shower and washes your hair we can ......"

If she behaves out and about have you considered refusing to give her her towel and clothes after swimming until she's had a shower?

I agree with everyone else this is extreme and could point to something neuro diverse - certainly a sensory thing maybe?

But to be able to draw a conclusion between refusal for control and refusal due to other reasons you need to try the motivator route.

When my ds was diagnosed with asd camhs asked me what he would do if he could have a treat or get something he really wanted at the end of a demand.

girls with autism normally have to mask at school due to there being more pressure on girls to act 'right' than boys so maybe that's why she's so angry at home because she's so overwhelmed by masking at school

Can I just say that not all autistic people avoid showering and basically being unhygienic? Mine is the total opposite , he is now an adult but spends ages in the shower, washing hair, having a shave etc, teeth cleaned morning and night, because he is very, very fussy. His clothes too are changed at least daily and sometimes twice daily. He hated having his hair cut as a child , because it hurt, but has always been clean. He has always preferred being clean. I'm not saying that some have sensory overload and therefore avoid showers etc, but I wouldn't necessarily use it as the sole factor for diagnosing autism.

Have you asked her what is it about it that she doesn't like? I'm an adult with asd and adhd and I struggle with showering and brushing my teeth , it's a sensory over load, which gets worse when I'm tired. Different toothbrushes and toothpaste might help, even starting off with just the brush and water for now. Same with the shower , maybe a wash at the sink might help and then slowly build up. It all depends what she finds difficult about it all.

I have a friend from home - we’re over 60 now - who always had the greasiest hair in school. Yuck. I didn’t see her for many years, and then another friend had photos of her at a party. She still had greasy hair, 15 years after I’d last seen her.
Fast forward to last year - we met up for lunch, maybe 35 years after I’d last seen her photo and she STILL had greasy hair.
It was as if she just never washed her hair. Ever. I can’t explain it and I’m not sure I want to know.

She hates showering, hates washing and brushing her hair, hates brushing her teeth. She won’t even go for a wee before bed or in the morning when she wakes up.

Mine is 10, and we have had some issues in the past. I agree with the others who say consistency is the key.
No tv, activity or whatever until showered. Until very recently, I still helped her wash her hair, when she's tired, I still help her rinse it. I did offer for her to have it cut short if she can't cope with it. Miraculously, she suddenly was able to wash and brush it herself.

Teeth - if I don't think she's brushed them properly, I send her back. According to our dentist, one brush and floss a day should be done or at least supervised by an adult at this age. With my eldest, we simply said no sugary foods unless he looked after his teeth. He lasted one day before accepting having to brush his teeth properly. I randomly check with disclosing tablets so they can see where they've missed. That and explaining how a filling is done.

If she's not wetting herself, just remind her and leave it up to her. Make sure she's drinking enough.

I gave mine the What's happening to me book (Usborne) last year, and that has a bit on hygiene which she seemed to pay more attention to than to what I was telling her. I also bought the deodorant in the prettiest bottle as I thought she'd be more likely to use it!

Maybe she has a hormone thing that causes greasy hair?

My 14yo DS has baths in the evening instead of showers and has his iPad on the toilet seat to watch YouTube while he's in. Never had arguments over washing 🤷🏼‍♀️ Could some of you try this?

I was a bit like this at 10 - I'd brush my teeth and hair but I refused to wash in the mornings and didn't wash my hands after going to the toilet either 🤢 I'd go in the shower twice a week and wash my hair but wouldn't wash any other part of me and I was very resistant about deodorant.

No SEN. I think it's quite common. My mum kept reminding me but didn't really make it a battleground and I just grew out of it gradually.

i would say fairly normal. Have you tried the carrot rather than stick approach? My 10y.o DD wants to extend her bedtime and allow more older child freedoms. We say yes when you can show us you can behave like you’re a young lady and not a little girl. That means taking care of personal hygiene when asked. We only have one bathroom and we have to take turns.

sometimes when she’s really tired I offer to bath her if she gets it done there and then, usually after a busy weekend of competitions.

if still defiant I limit screen time on her device so it’s virtually unusable and that usually does the trick.

I’ve been known to take toothbrush and hairbrush on the school run if any child refuses. The only time I had to handover the toothbrush was at breakfast club when she was in yr 3. The mortal embarrassment of being sent to the toilet in front of friends to brush her teeth means she’s never refused to brush her teeth before school.

youngest dd got her hairbrushed in the car park for all to see including arriving teachers. Again, never had an issue since.

It’s not just that she won’t do it but that she makes a massive drama out of it and gets angry.

In some ways entering puberty is akin to the toddler stage.

Transitions are very hard for toddlers and young teens. Neither stage finds it easy to see what's beyond the thing they are doing right now this minute to next thing they must do. The transitions from dry and dressed to undressed and wet all over, then drying, then dressing again in new clothes are all hard.

One way to tackle the resistance to transitions is to fill her life with them. Get her so busy she doesn't have time to get comfortable in her stinky clothes, socks, underwear. Fill at least three evenings with activities for her, and pack as much as possible into the weekend too. My DCs and their fifth grade peers all started doing school sports teams at this age. They didn't have time to get comfortable lying around watching TV all evening.

Establish a rigid schedule at home if activities would be difficult. Everything she does at home needs to be scheduled. This means snacks, toilet breaks, time to have a drink of water, dinner time, homework time, shower time, tooth brushing time, TV time, reading a book time, bedtime - all scheduled and completely predictable, and a scheduled morning routine too. Kids' days in school are scheduled and they can often find that soothing. Do the same at home and you will eventually eliminate the resistance to transitioning from one activity or state to another.

In our house if teeth are not brushed then sugary food and sweet treats are off the menu. The protestors soon relent and scrub up when reminded of this.

Autism is the MN answer to every undesirable personality trait

Aint that the truth! I don't encounter this in real life, only on MN. No-one can be different, or even plain naughty, they have all been diagnosed by the MN experts.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/PDA have a look at pathological demand avoidance, your dd displays some of the traits of PDA

I have a 10 year old boy and he will shower every day, wash his hair, do his teeth and has just started wearing deodorant at his request. He doesn’t self motivate though, I have to ask him to do his teeth and have a shower.

Sorry but why can’t you force her in the shower? You can sit in the room. Are you punishing her for not doing any of these things? Or rewarding if she does them?

I don't think it's necessarily normal that at 10 children will have got their heads around this and be happy to do it. I remember being 10 and knowing children who still hated showering, brushing their teeth etc.

I wouldn't jump to autism and certainly wouldn't jump to PDA if this is the only thing she refuses to do/ gets moody about.

Have you had an actual conversation with her about this without putting pressure on? i.e. actually listened to her rather than saying 'Oh but if you'd just do X it could be so easy!'

That would be the starting point - try to understand her and take away your judgement for a while.

Exactly! Sometimes the reason is just that there is no reason! Op has even said she doesn't display any signs of anything yet pp are getting her to dig for a reason. Op what consequences does your dd have? I certainly will not be tolerating this. Take away absolutely everything until she starts taking basic hygiene responsibility. Tell her teacher? She needs a punishment of some sort.

at that age i didnt want to wash either

Hi OP. How is she with a bath? I’m thinking maybe getting a bath routine might be easier with the help of bubbles, story time in the bath and bath bombs. Turn off the lights and pop those light things in there for her as well. I know she might be a little past the age for that but her being in water is better than no wash at all.

If she is ASD, changing the sensory experience might be something that she needs. Sometimes people with asd feel very uncomfortable with the shower water hitting their skin, so swapping to a completely different experience might help.

i have a distinct memory of saying I dont want to grow up, when i was shown to wash and use deoderant.

Can she tell you why she won't do self-care? Is it the feeling of water or being touched? Is it low self esteem? Would she rather be doing something else? Is her life very tightly managed, giving her limited choices and is this her easiest way of having control?

Otherwise bribery - wifi will remain off until she's had a wash in the morning or whatever motivates her.
It might be worth looking at some of the strategies around sensory difficulties and asd, regardless of diagnosis, or having enough traits to reach diagnostic threshold because they might help.