To think a 10 year old should know and understand they have to do basic hygiene tasks.

[Sofedupofitall]

She just won’t. She hates showering, hates washing and brushing her hair, hates brushing her teeth. She won’t even go for a wee before bed or in the morning when she wakes up. It’s ridiculous!

I’ve told her she will have urine infections, no teeth left by 20, hair will need chopping off etc etc. She just doesn’t care. I’ve given up tonight as I’m done in. She’s been vile all day. Arguing and shouting at me. Even started hitting my arm because she was bloody bored.

m No need for suggestions. I don’t think there is any. I can’t force a 10 year old into the shower and I can’t make her see reason either. Just need to vent.

My teenage dc is exactly the same even down to refusing to go to the toilet before bed. She has diagnosed sn similar to PDA.

I have only just stopped supervising the washing. I still run the bath as she hates the shower and I put all the products out for her. I occasionally wash her hair as it does get greasy and she doesn’t always wash it properly. I have had to be very strict and set up everything in the bathroom and wait outside until everything is done, no compromises.

If I said, make sure you have a shower she would never ever do it.

Oh and we do have explosive tantrums and a regularly trashed bathroom so it’s not easy.

But if I backed off it would not be done and school would comment (I did get an email once.)

As others have said please do not let her go swimming unless she’s had a shower! She should be told it’s not fair to others who are swimming!!

DS went through a stage at that age where he refused all personal hygeine (although he did go to the toilet.)
He would engage in all sorts of subterfuge to make me believe he was washing and brushing his teeth (putting toothpaste and shampoo down the sink so I wouldn't see the products hadn't been used, wetting towels and leaving them on the bathroom floor)
He's NT, no other issues going on at the time, no explanation for it then or since. So I'm guessing it started with laziness and then just became a game to outwit me.
He's 20s now, very concious of hygeine and his appearance and has perfect teeth too.

My DD is the same she is 13 not NT.

It is a battle.

I'm so concerned about her future as she has no organisation skills, she doesn't clear her room or put anything back, she rarely washes herself without a war and wouldn’t wash at all if she's had the choice.

I've charts and pointers, I do my best to stay calm.

I gentle coach.

If she doesn't change she'll be a hermit hoarder as an adult.

It keeps me awake at nights I don't know what to do.

I was like this but grew out of it in early teens. I still hate washing my hair though cause it's really densely curly and takes a couple of hours to dry properly.

I only brush it about once a week because it really hurts my scalp- these days I wear it ina curly bun and it looks great!

She'll be OK OP. Give her time and don't make it into a battleground.

I should have added that both of mine are ND which is why they 'raged' or at least the one did. It was extremely difficult but I just couldn't risk school bullying over this. It was bad enough as it was.

I think it's fairly common. Around 10 or the beginning of puberty, they just can't be bothered and then they come through that stage and there's a point where they care about their appearance. All of our friends have had the same with their DCs and none are autistic.
When they're in the 'can't be bothered' stage, you just need to create a non-negotiable routine. We also bought them a range of different soaps, products etc to try. And let them choose between baths or showers - because that preference changed regularly.

Hasn't showered for 2 weeks. Absolutely stinks. People tell me she stinks.

Have you told her she stinks? And that people have told you? I was pretty blunt with my DD when she went through this phase (although nowhere near as extreme, I must admit). Any cries of “I had a shower yesterday” were met with “And you’ve done PE today and you don’t smell so good”. And when she complained I was “mean”, I asked whether she’d rather I told her or other people thought that and didn’t…..

Agree with pp about the bath, though - might she find that nicer? But you cannot let her use a public pool or go to anyone else’s house in an unwashed state. That’s natural consequences- and just good manners and consideration to others.

Lots to catch up on. I’ve briefly read through but just want to say she went in a family members pool not a public one so not so bad. That was on Saturday and she’d showered and washed her hair on Wednesday so wasn’t too disgusting.

I wouldn't want a dirty child in my pool!

Think as previously mentioned - natural consequences.... when she's had a shower etc, she then gets to go in the pool..... or gets wifi ... friend over etc.

My DC (one is ASD) would always respond better to it being that way round i.e earning the treat.... then by having stuff taken off if not done something

My DD was diagnosed with autism at age 11/12, in her first year at Secondary. She became so overwhelmed there shd had to come out of school to be home educated. She has the same issues - hates showers, washing her hair, brushing hair, tight clothing, scratchy labels, must wear soft socks, soft clothing etc. Has SPD, and PDA.

She starts college in September so hoping she will cope with that, and being more mature at 16.

At around the same age I used to only shower or bathe about once every 4 days purely because I couldn’t be arsed and my parents didn’t make me. I also didn’t brush my hair properly because it was long and got knotted easily. The knots were painful to remove so I just avoided it and eventually it became matted. It’s not necessarily to do with SEN.

Op you need to come down hard on her. She stinks, people are telling you that. She is 10 and you are still the parent here. This is unacceptable. Tell her teacher if you must, tell your dd exactly what people are saying, remove all her treats and extras, force her into the bathroom if you have to. To me you have described a situation of neglect.

she went in a family members pool not a public one so not so bad. That was on Saturday and she’d showered and washed her hair on Wednesday

I wouldn’t be pleased if that were my pool…..!

That sounds like a good situation to get the point across to her, though. “DD - it’s nice to go in Auntie Sue’s pool. But it’s not nice for her or your cousin if you’re dirty when you go in. So - if you want to do that, you need to have a shower this evening/tomorrow morning. And when you come home, you need to have another shower, because Auntie Sue needs to use a lot of chemicals in the water so you don’t get ill using the pool - and those need washing off your skin. So up to you. But no wash = no pool.”

She hates showering, hates washing and brushing her hair, hates brushing her teeth. She won’t even go for a wee before bed or in the morning when she wakes up.

You police your kids urine schedual? wierd, also not a hygiene issue but a serious control issue.

I also hate showering (hate the discomfort of being wet, hate rain too) only do it when I have to like if Im going somewhere or if I genuinely FEEL dirty from dusting. We all have some level of sensory issue (I know plent of completely NT people who cant stand the rubbing of velvet, or the sound of balloons squeezing or the texture of woll stuffing etc... mine is just the feeling of being wet.

As for washing hair, once a week usually (twice max) as it takes so long to dry, most adults I know with long hair hate washing it for the same reason.

As a kid I hated having my hair brushed because my hair knots and people would just rive a hair brush through it which was painful, Im fine brushing my hair now (became ok with it around age 15) but when younger I definately avoided it from the trauma of adults ragging my head about previously.

I also have developmental difficulties (not that anyone would know by looking at me) and regularly leave the house and think 'fuck, forgot to brush my teeth'. When younger I use to carry those disposable tooth cleaning finger sleeves in my bag. Its not deliberate, some of us just don't memorise routine no matter how much we do it.

Have a think about how concerned you would be if she was a boy. Would you put some of it down to typical grubby boy behaviour? I only say this because I was the same as girl and as a adult I still don't give two shits about my appearance although I am hygienc.

If she's doing well at school etc could you ask form teacher to run a lesson on hygiene and make a checklist. So that it's something to be done for school in a sense. These lessons ate pretty common in secondary when certain students lack personal care awareness.

What do people do when their kids refuse to wash up or do any other household chore, or if their older kids come home late or swear and misbehave? We don't shrug our shoulders and say 'we can't make them do stuff'. We can and we should.

Personal hygiene is no different.

I wonder why so many posters are adverse to the very possibility that it could be a ND trait.
I was diagnosed as an adult and my parents still don't 'beleive' me. Probably because I spent my whole childhood trying to be 'normal' while being yelled at for not being normal. For being a clumsy sod, smelly, lazy, naughty and stubborn. It was pure hell growing up with parents who loved me but didn't seem to recognise I wasn't NT. After a really self-destructive early adulthood it was up to me to educate myself and arm myself with the facts. The relief of diagnosis was absolutely overwhelming and I could be myself. I was frustrated with my parents for thinking every family and individual is the same when 'given instruction'. I recognised dyspraxia and adhd in my daughters by the time they were 5 and they have been diagnosed by professionals following many tests and investigations. I'm now armed with the knowledge to work with them and that has done wonders for our relationship.
So all those pps who are laughing and being snide, we're not saying to just assume it's SEN and let her get away with it, we are suggesting don't assume it not!

Another one here with ASD daughter. Identical when it comes to (not) washing, teeth, changing underwear etc. Late diagnosis when hit secondary school and the wheels came off.

Also a tip that's worked for me is to do my hygiene routine with them. I got into the habit of having us all in the bathroom brushing teeth and hair and each of us jumping in and out of the shower while talking. After a few months I would go in and start them off then wander off to do laundry and stuff and I could see they were still sticking to it then i would just bob in and out and apply face cream or deodrant. Lately all I have to say to them is that I'll be up in a minute to get cleaned and my pyjamas on too and they happily go off expecting me to come do it but soon forget and are done an in bed/or dressed having breakfast by the time I get up.

The big flag to me is your comment about her personal choice of when to empty her bladder. You are far too invested in her toilet functions and personal self care. She is asserting her autonomy by challenging YOUR helicopter tendency. Perfectly normal :-)

She wants to be in control of herself ; you're an adult, show her how its done. Control you.

Greywall time, no nagging, no comment at all. Say absolutely nothing about washing, appearance, smell, toilet time, ignore the tramp look, let her be as grubby /feral/bizarre looking as she wants. None of that will harm either of you.

Alert extended family and your adult friends to make no comment whatever, but if they do, be prepared with some casual throwaway line . " It's the boho/refugee look <shrug> "

A few months neglect won't ruin good teeth, but you can subtly limit any damage, just silently change your shopping habits and menus . Don't buy ANY sweets, sugary drinks/snacks/cereals; nobody will notice until the current domestic supplies run out,. Then just say "Oh , we're all cutting back on the shopping bill , blame the cost of living.

@PortMac you are not alone! The trend for gentle parenting has in some instances gone to far as to end up neglectful. It’s not easy to make an uncooperative child have a shower but it’s a basic part of keeping them healthy. So if softly, softly doesn’t work you need to put your foot down