To think a 10 year old should know and understand they have to do basic hygiene tasks.

[Sofedupofitall]

She just won’t. She hates showering, hates washing and brushing her hair, hates brushing her teeth. She won’t even go for a wee before bed or in the morning when she wakes up. It’s ridiculous!

I’ve told her she will have urine infections, no teeth left by 20, hair will need chopping off etc etc. She just doesn’t care. I’ve given up tonight as I’m done in. She’s been vile all day. Arguing and shouting at me. Even started hitting my arm because she was bloody bored.

m No need for suggestions. I don’t think there is any. I can’t force a 10 year old into the shower and I can’t make her see reason either. Just need to vent.

Stop writing emotional responses?

We are not robots devoid of emotion, of course people will write emotional responses.

In this instance yes. It ain't all about the kid, and they need to know the world doesn't revolve around them.

You up for an argument parenthood1989?

There is no point.

OP, good luck

My DD (9) moans when I ask her to shower however, she will do it. Tonight for example I said she didn't need to wash her hair just her body etc but she came down from shower and had gone ahead and washed her hair anyways. She brushes her teeth morning and night unprompted and brushes her hair and get dressed every morning unprompted. The bathroom thing, I can't say I've ever taken particular notice. She isn't peeing herself or getting urine infections so I am assuming she is going when she needs to but I don't make a point of telling her to go before bed, first thing in morning, I assume she will go when she needs to.

However, to reassure you, it took us a while to get to that point. Teeth brushing used to be a battle, as did hair brushing. But the more consistent I was, she soon learned it was non negotiable and just got into a routine with it.

My friends son is the same way as your DD. He is 11 and will pretend he has brushed his teeth, will constantly need to be forced etc. I think every child is just different and your daughter will get it eventually it will just take time.

It is definitely within the realms of normal behaviour for 10-14yr olds.
After 40 plus years of looking after children I think the best way to deal with it is to ignore.
It's just a phase for most children - boys and girls - and it's the perfect age for them to learn independence.

If you are confident that other things are all then Sit her down and have one more chat about what the consequences might be then leave her to get on with it.

The world is ridiculously underdiagnosed. Most of the people I know are neurodiverse so I don't know why people are suprised that posters are suggesting it could be sensory/neurological.

Would she have a bath if you went shopping and got some nice bubble bath etc
Also if she really wants to go somewhere eg to a friends house/ club etc could you say
" l am all set to drop you when you have had your shower" leaving her time of course. And mean it. No discussion just keep saying that sentence.
Or maybe say l will have to talk to your teacher to explain why you might smell in class as that might motivate her
Or if she has ASD they often follow rules very strictly so if her teacher said..the rule is you must shower every day she might do it for her.
At the end of the day she will want her phone/ ipad/ TV etc so tie it in so a nice relaxing time after a bath playing on her ipad might be something she could look forward to.

It's usually just a 'discussion' - who is making the emotional response now

Sadly schools are failing to pick up in ADHD in girls as they mask and symptoms can be different to boys. But the emotional outbursts sound a little like it could be worth reading up on.

If she doesn’t have any traits of autism, she’s probably not autistic.
Autism is the MN answer to every undesirable personality trait 🙄
As an autistic person who masked their way through most of their life and delivers autism training for a living, nothing in your posts would make me think she’s especially likely to be autistic.
Has she always been like this? Losing interest in personal hygiene and appearance is commonly a symptom of depression, and lots of kids are really struggling since lockdown. How is she generally?

I have ones who dont like a shower but love a bath with bubbles and toys (yep even the teen secretly play with toy boat). Washing in non negotiable so it's no tv or electronics if they havnt washed and brushed teeth.

My 10 year old still lives bath crayons and daft things like that

I was like this as a child. I have ADHD. I’m generally fine as a adult though!

There's some really polarised responses on this thread. Are people getting snippy with each other cos of the heat?

Op: maybe she is neuro diverse or with a sensory processing disorder, or maybe she's just an awkward, stubborn girl very much going through the St Trinians Lower Forms stage...

If it's the latter, then pp suggesting that you be stricter with her may have a point.

If she has SEN then it's worth pursuing a diagnosis because it will help you both understand, both learn strategies for navigating her life and open up support to her at school.

Of course, it's also entirely possible that she has neurodiverse traits but not enough to meet the diagnostic threshold criteria for diagnosis.
(So pp getting all het up with each other, maybe get a cold drink. I know its an important subject - I'm ND myself - but at the moment her neuro-statis is very much Schrodingers Cat).

Honestly, a lot of girls at 10 really don't give a fig for personal appearance and struggle to understand why their hygiene is suddenly an issue when smelling never used to be a problem before. The defiance can also come from sensitivity at the idea they might be dirty.

It's often their first experience of puberty and the fact that their bodies are starting to do things differently which draw comment from others can be an unnerving time.

Speaking with her teacher is a good idea and I think a mix of compassion and strict parenting is probably a good approach at this stage. You can adjust as required.

*status

Not 'statis'

My dd has Autism and was like this coupled in with the fact she wore a huge coat year round the smell was horrendous. Seriously bad.

I tried everything, ignoring it (( she went the entire six weeks holidays)) refusing to take her out, stopping her pocket money and treats...... Forcing her but lets face it that's only appropriate to a certain age. We can pick up toddlers and plonk them in the bath. Cant do that with older kids. We had pampet sessions, days out to buy nice smellies, I had professionals talk to her, social stories you name it we did it.

She's 23 now and touch would this year seems to be improving. A mixture of a very blunt friendship group has a large part to pay. Absolutely nothing to do with my nagging over the years.

Apologies if someone has already said this upthread but maybe baths instead of showers?

Some kids find showers a bit much & a bath more comforting.

If I ever send my ASD AHDH DS to have a shower, be turns on the shower, and uses it to fill the bath.

Flannel washes and baths instead of showers.

My eldest was not into showering at all, but that changed as puberty hit and he needed a daily shower.

I've just got back to standing over my 12 yo twins again.

Are people getting snippy with each other cos of the heat?

I don’t think I was snippy, but it does annoy me when people attribute anything negative to autism or say I know someone who did that, so it must be ASD.

1. Autistic people are as different as neuro typical people.
2. Most autistic people are not rude, insensitive, smelly, insert any other negative trait.
3. If someone is behaving like a twat being autistic is not an excuse. It’s so patronising to suggest otherwise.

007Double0Seven

Good response. I'm not getting snippy because of the heat because where I am, it's very cold.

It's annoying because most response are saying she must have a diagnosis of something.

The OP has said she doesn't so therefore my comment about "emotional responses " is because people are looking at the situation through there own experience.

Perfectly normal response.

However to excuse poor behaviour by children by saying she must be this or that is just odd

It's no wonder the world is so messed up, we can't offer advice without being told we must first accept behaviour which is clearly wrong.
It doesn't affect me in the slightest what OP's child does but it affects the people around her.
Self-centredness is a root cause of problems in society.

It's like oh my child doesn't want to shower, she gets angry, so all her schoolmates need to put up with it.

Children need to be told what to do otherwise they don't learn.

When her friends start commenting that she smells and has awful hair she might listen.

But the not going for a wee thing? Does she pee the bed?

My 14 yo dd used to be the same with cleanliness. I used to force her to shower once or twice a week and it was a nightmare, sometimes dh needed to help too. The ranting, upset and tears, bribes and so forth. Then one day a switch flipped at about 11 and she decided she was going to shower daily. I was also brushing her teeth until around this age as she couldn’t be bothered to do it herself.

She used to hold her wee to the last possible minute all the time until about 7. She is better now but still does it at school as she can’t be bothered to go (the school loos are fine) and rushes through the door. I also need to check she’s had a wee before a long journey as she doesn’t think, yet she’s so organised in other areas. One of her friends wouldn’t go to the loo when she needed to go and my friend’s ds is the same. I’d see her friend hopping around and tell her to go for a wee and she would. None of the children have any diagnosis of SEN.

At 14, both girls are now very clean, cleansing their face every day, regular showering, make up, fake tan, hair straightening and curling, shaving and so forth.

Apparently year 6 classrooms are notoriously stinky places. Idk how they compare to year 7. I imagine these are also stinky too but at least they’re only occupied by the same children for an hour, sometimes two. A chat with the teachers would be good. They will talk to the kids about cleanliness and it slowly sinks in so you could ask them if possible to fit a talk in before breaking up for the summer. I would koko with your dd for now. It may just be a phase. Or it could be something more. As others have said, secondary schools are often a place, where additional needs are spotted.

If you have a garden, I can thoroughly recommend a slip and slide or large tarpaulin and hose. It is much slipper if you use washing up liquid, which will also double up as a shower or mean your dd needs a shower.

The thing is so many people are nuro diverse or undiagnosed nuro diverse that actually “nuro typical” is the minority.
Some things you can get by with ie less showers / hair washes.
some things are absolutely non negotiable like going to the loo and cleaning your teeth.
You are in charge. Children need to know and 100% feel that is true. Even if they give off every impression that they want to be in charge.
Its incredibly destabilising for a child to feel they call the shots and actually they are steering the ship.
Unfortunately though, this needs to be known to the child without question from very early on. Toddlerhood and most certainly before the ago of 5.
once you get to 10 and melt downs and refusals result in not having to do the essential things then it’s incredibly difficult to reverse.
I’m not sure what it’s going to take to reverse this (probably advice from professionals later down the line if needs like going to the loo are being ignored)

OP, would it help to see if she would like her hair cut short? That would help with the brushing/knots/etc, and a dry shampoo or leave in conditioner for when it is needed may help, too.

I hated having wet hair in the shower, but was able to manage with a shower cap on (I actually really liked the sound of the water on the cap) whilst washing myself and then had my hair washed over the bath when needed.

A combination of strict routine with detailed steps and removal of privileges worked for us - so specific days for showering, and/or washing hair, a checklist and step by step list of what body areas needed to be cleaned/etc and the turning off of wifi/other activities until after the shower was completed really helped.

With my DC, having music/podcasts in the bathroom really helped with the “boredom” factor.

Best of luck with it, OP.

Your daughter's just learning the adult form of saying No. Which includes being strong enough to win, and obstinate enough to take any "withdraw her phone/etc" technique to a level you don't want to experience!

I'd say tone it down a bit. You're increasing the stress as well as her determination that she doesn't want to do as you say. It's become more confrontational and you're getting further from your goal.

I also think it'd be worth having a word with her teacher about the possibility of getting her "tested". Knowing would surely be better than wondering?
Your determination that her school/teachers won't entertain the possibility may be doing them a disservice, as well as suggesting you may be a little heavy-handed or over-controlling in your parenting skills.

How about supplying her with wet wipes in her bedroom and a nice new big bath towel if you can manage. She could clean herself in private with them etc as and when she pleases. If she is autistic or has some traits in that direction she may absolutely hate the shower water coming down all over her. It could be better for you to show her the handset can be taken down. She can take control of the showering of her body. It will be harder for her to take control of washing her hair. This can be done either using a shower protector or her just keeping her head tipped back etc
I have learned this trying to deal with a 42 year old adult son. He is autistic and has mild learning disability. This was not diagnosed in childhood.