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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 10 year old should know and understand they have to do basic hygiene tasks.

236 replies

Sofedupofitall · 10/07/2022 22:24

She just won’t. She hates showering, hates washing and brushing her hair, hates brushing her teeth. She won’t even go for a wee before bed or in the morning when she wakes up. It’s ridiculous!

I’ve told her she will have urine infections, no teeth left by 20, hair will need chopping off etc etc. She just doesn’t care. I’ve given up tonight as I’m done in. She’s been vile all day. Arguing and shouting at me. Even started hitting my arm because she was bloody bored.

m No need for suggestions. I don’t think there is any. I can’t force a 10 year old into the shower and I can’t make her see reason either. Just need to vent.

OP posts:
Fizbosshoes · 10/07/2022 23:33

Reading with interest I have a 12 year old DS who have to plead with to shower most days, even on days he's done lots of sport or been to the beach. He also lies about having a shower, and I'm sure would go for weeks if left to his own devices although he will brush his teeth. (I have to remind him to brush his hair as well) He doesn't like being "shut in" the shower so if prompted, will choose to bath or shower with small shower attachment over the bath. I've bought him shower gel for Christmas the last 2 years, but he doesn't tell me when irs run out or need replacing.

Ottersmith · 10/07/2022 23:36

Have you looked up Pathological Demand Avoidance? It's part of ASD and autism presents differently in girls than boys so there wouldn't be the obvious signs to look out for. I say this because her behaviour sounds exactly like another girl I know who is on the spectrum. You can't ignore the possibilities of something underlying just because you hope it's not that.

Original poster
Sofedupofitall · 10/07/2022 23:36

It’s not just that she won’t do it but that she makes a massive drama out of it and gets angry. I just think she could get it done in 10 mins and that’s that. Anyway I will do some more googling tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofedupofitall · 10/07/2022 23:38

Ottersmith · 10/07/2022 23:36

Have you looked up Pathological Demand Avoidance? It's part of ASD and autism presents differently in girls than boys so there wouldn't be the obvious signs to look out for. I say this because her behaviour sounds exactly like another girl I know who is on the spectrum. You can't ignore the possibilities of something underlying just because you hope it's not that.

How would having a diagnosis (if it is asd) help her. School wouldn’t agree with me by any means. I can guarantee that.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 10/07/2022 23:38

@sofedupofitall, if your dd won't shower you should not let her swim. She will be spreading bacteria to others. I would explain no shower no swim and get her hair cut short if she won't look after it. You can say no to her.

RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist · 10/07/2022 23:39

When you say not going for a wee before bed or getting up, is she wetting the bed?

Marvellousmadness · 10/07/2022 23:39

"You have just described my 10 year old son and 10 year old Nephew and
most of there friends. It is absolutely normal."

🙄 it is everything BUT normal pp.

And of course you can force your kid to shower and brush their teeth. Maybe not in a literal sense. But you can take away her phone if she doesn't comply (and have a phone) or take a way other screen privileges. Take away friends visit
Etc etc . The list is endless.

But first: talk to her! Ask her why she isnt taking care of herself. Maybe the answer lies there.

wellhelloitsme · 10/07/2022 23:41

I’ve just had a quick google and the only thing that rings true is the moodiness and meltdowns and that’s only at home. Never at school.

This sounds very much like masking so it's absolutely worth having a look at some information on that.

Poor you OP this sounds really stressful for you both.

Quia · 10/07/2022 23:41

Sofedupofitall · 10/07/2022 22:41

No SEN - that I know of. She does have some bad mood swings but I probably don’t help as I run out of patience and get cross. She’s an angel at school - if I ever mention less than perfect behaviour they are shocked.

I think she’s stubborn and doesn’t like being told what to do. I think she likes pushing boundaries too and is starting to realise we can’t actually make her do stuff and seeing how far she can go.

Ag least I hope it’s that and not SEN.

also not posted about her before.

Does she wash at school, e.g. after PE?

Quia · 10/07/2022 23:42

Sofedupofitall · 10/07/2022 23:38

How would having a diagnosis (if it is asd) help her. School wouldn’t agree with me by any means. I can guarantee that.

Show quote history

It isn't open to a school to disagree with a professional diagnosis. They don't have the required qualifications and expertise.

wellhelloitsme · 10/07/2022 23:43

McP13 · 10/07/2022 23:15

You have just described my 10 year old son and 10 year old Nephew and
most of there friends. It is absolutely normal.
my son hates brushing his teeth. My daughter hates getting her hair brushed but she is 7 going on 17!! It will get better.

It's not 'normal' at all, not to the point of lasting weeks, and is detrimental to the child involved.

If your nephew is genuinely going weeks without showering or brushing his teeth then his parents need to take it seriously rather than brushing it off as behaviour 'normal' for his age.

I promise it's not.

Murdoch1949 · 10/07/2022 23:44

Talk to her class teacher. Ask her to speak to her about hygiene. Or even maybe to have a class discussion on it. Daughter may open up to teacher, or may listen and realise the need for cleanliness.

user1477249785 · 10/07/2022 23:45

OP, school didn't agree with me either. He was great there. It's classic masking and meant that he spent so long at school trying to keep it all together that it spilled over into frustration and anger at home. The drama over showed was literally the worst and it was one of those outbursts that made me decide to seek help. He's now on adhd medication and is all round happier and better able to deal with life. And he showers every day...

Quia · 10/07/2022 23:45

Is the problem that she's sensitive to the feel of the water and the brush in her hair?

PortMac · 10/07/2022 23:45

You physically guide her to the bathroom and tell her to get in.
Give her a consequence, like not being allowed to do something she enjoys and if she doesn't shower it'll be taken away.
I'll get flamed and say I'm mean but saying she gets angry means she's in control not you. It's telling her she just needs to get angry and you'll back off.
If she smells at school, she'll get bullied and then you'll have a whole new set of problems.
Of course bullying is unacceptable but reality is kids can be mean.

user1477249785 · 10/07/2022 23:45

Should say: "the drama over showering..."

Supersimkin2 · 10/07/2022 23:46

Dear God, smelly + stubborn = ASD: only on Mumsnet, OP.

Reduce PC and phone time, other sanctions as necessary. Three weeks should do it. OP, It doesn’t matter that DD doesn’t care about stinking the place out; everyone else does. It’s not all about her.

user1477249785 · 10/07/2022 23:47

PortMac · 10/07/2022 23:45

You physically guide her to the bathroom and tell her to get in.
Give her a consequence, like not being allowed to do something she enjoys and if she doesn't shower it'll be taken away.
I'll get flamed and say I'm mean but saying she gets angry means she's in control not you. It's telling her she just needs to get angry and you'll back off.
If she smells at school, she'll get bullied and then you'll have a whole new set of problems.
Of course bullying is unacceptable but reality is kids can be mean.

It's not that it's mean, it's that it simply won't work. With my adhd son, it would have led to a monumental meltdown and possibly throwing things. At that point, he is literally unable to compute the idea of consequences.

Haggisfish3 · 10/07/2022 23:48

My 12 yo dd still cannot wash her hair on her own so I have to help-it’s long. Ds hates a shower and will not get in one. He will bath but again I have to do hair. Will she get innocently offer to help?

Goawayangryman · 10/07/2022 23:48

Tell her that she does it or she loses whatever is most valuable to her and stick to it. Make not showering have bad consequences.

I'm all for listening and working with but people who smell and don't look after personal hygiene are also causing an issue for others. To me this is a non negotiable and I don't have many of those really.

I'm just really blunt, "its quite selfish to not wash", "you don't smell so good when you don't wash, and people are likely to tease you for that".

ofwarren · 10/07/2022 23:48

Quia · 10/07/2022 23:41

Does she wash at school, e.g. after PE?

Show quote history

My kids have been through 6 primary schools between them and none of them had the kids washing at school after PE.

Haggisfish3 · 10/07/2022 23:48

Fwiw I hated showering at this age and simply couldn’t see the point of it when I had to repeat it every other day! I don’t smell and have done hygiene now!

PortMac · 10/07/2022 23:49

The child does not have a diagnosis!!!!
OP said that.
Stop writing emotional responses. Not everyone has a diagnosis.

parenthood1989 · 10/07/2022 23:49

Tell her that she does it or she loses whatever is most valuable to her and stick to it. Make not showering have bad consequences.

I'm all for listening and working with but people who smell and don't look after personal hygiene are also causing an issue for others.

So OP should consider others before her own daughter?

stayathomer · 10/07/2022 23:51

People saying it’s not normal- perhaps it isn’t normal in your house but actually at the school gates I hear of a lot of this and out of my 4 children I have 2 who love being clean and 2 who think anything cleanliness related is time out of their everyday lives. OP you can act like you want to wash your hand of it but don’t, your daughter needs you to enforce all of it or else there’s a range of consequences both short and long term to her physical, mental and social health. But as others say talk to her first, and in a positive ‘what can we do to not be fighting’ way. Remind her that the argument take longer than actually doing it. See what she hates and if there is anything to do with sen, there are ways to combat parts of it if it’s a sensory thing eg toothbrushes she might like the feel of more. Best of luck op, as someone who stands over my kids nightly in the bathroom like a drill Sargent , I feel for you!!