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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents cancelling babysitting

467 replies

Cara671244 · 10/07/2022 09:48

So me and dh were invited to a wedding back in February... wedding is in October. I asked my parents months ago if they would have dd for the wedding. They said yes. It's the whole day and night. So we returned the rsvp saying we would be attending.

Now my parents are after being invited to the evening part. They now want to go. My dd makes very strange with people and my parents are the only ones who have ever minded her.

I think it's unfair they want to cancel now but also realise they aren't obliged to mind dd either so who is being unreasonable here

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 10/07/2022 10:55

It’s disappointing, I understand that, but I don’t think your parents are being unreasonable. You’ve got loads of time to revise your plans.

romdowa · 10/07/2022 10:59

Since its your childhood friend , can your dh not mind her and you go alone or with another friend?

paintfairy · 10/07/2022 11:00

I would find alternative baby sitters. Even if not for October, for moving forwards. Because clearly your parents are not reliable and selfish. Don't get dependent on them.
As for the wedding- its a shame your friend didn't realise before inviting them. But if you can't find anyone to have DD then your only option is to come home. Which is crap. I can't even see how your parents would enjoy the evening do if you aren't there, because who will they even know?! But let them get on with it. However, I most certainly would be taking a step back from them in future. I would just explain the situation to your wedding friend so she realises that although you've accepted, you'll now not be there for the evening part (for catering purposes).

Original poster
Cara671244 · 10/07/2022 11:00

scoopoftheday · 10/07/2022 10:55

Do you have any fiends that could mind your dd?

I'd happily mind my friends little one so they could attend a wedding.

Mine are grown up but I regularly mind one friends 1 year old for her to attend appointments.

I have what I consider 3 friends. Ironically enough they are all single mothers with a minimum of two children of their own. Dd would never sleep over. We have tried that previously and she had to return home. She wouldn't settle. So that option is not feasible unfortunately

OP posts:
ChinnyTroubles · 10/07/2022 11:00

Awful behaviour from your parents.

How have they responded to you and DH when you have outlined the problem they have caused?

goldengirlsoncraic · 10/07/2022 11:02

I think it's awful of your parents to do this.
Their first priority is the the original set up.

It would make me see my parents in a completely different light.
And how awkward will it be for them sitting at a wedding where they don't know anyone.

@Cara671244 I hope you get something sorted.

Tulipvase · 10/07/2022 11:02

I really feel for you OP and fully understand your disappointment. Does your daughter go to a nursery at all? Perhaps staff at the nursery that already know your daughter might do babysitting?

Really hope you manage to go.

TidyDancer · 10/07/2022 11:02

Have you patents offered any solutions to this or are they just saying a flat out no now? The fact that they don't know the bride and groom well and they realise the extent of the issue they are creating for you does put a worse spin on it. They are being very rude.

TidyDancer · 10/07/2022 11:03

'Have your parents' is what I meant. Bloody autocorrect. MNHQ needs to give us an edit button!

purpledagger · 10/07/2022 11:03

I think your parents are being unreasonable. If they barely know the bride and that you and OH haven't had much time together, I think the nice thing to do would be to let you have the night to enjoy yourselves.

nettie434 · 10/07/2022 11:03

I know you said your daughter is not good with strangers but do you have any friends who you could 'train up' over the next few months? For instance, you could invite them round while your husband is on nights and then they could start slowly - eg reading a bedtime story. With luck, your daughter could get used to them by October. You'd only need them for the evening and assuming your parents don't have too much distance to travel, they could put her to bed before going to the evening reception.

I actually think your parents shouldn't have accepted the invitation when they knew you were relying on them to babysit so you could go to the wedding.

FlorDeMayoByTheMile · 10/07/2022 11:05

The entitlement on this thread. This is not aimed at the OP.

I have a friend who has a child in my daughter’s class. Her mum does ALL the school runs. All the childcare. Cares for the kids when friend and her husband go out.

A few months ago, friend was moaning because her parents had the temerity to book a holiday and “what am I meant to do nooooow?”

I dunno maybe pay for childcare like the rest of us??

Its an attitude you see on here time and again. They have absolutely no obligation to you and your children. It’s not their problem. I can’t believe people actually expect this level of assistance from their parents. Like how can you ask that of another person.

newbiename · 10/07/2022 11:06

11Hawkins · 10/07/2022 10:12

Op hasn't said she's Irish where's this whole Irish thing coming from? BlushConfused

She is Irish - you can tell by her turn of phrase and she has now said so.

SheepingStandingUp · 10/07/2022 11:06

I think it's pretty shitty of your parents.

  • The babysitting request came well before the invite
  • they know it means you'll have to come home
  • it is someone you know far better than them

If be silently judging them if I was your friend

Cailin66 · 10/07/2022 11:06

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 10/07/2022 10:49

I thought in Ireland children were welcome at weddings and day/evening split doesn’t happen?

Show quote history

Most weddings have children of all ages. They get their own dining table too, with babysitters etc. Kids stay up late, but generally go to bed in the hotel with a sitter. We put ours with their cousins at my sisters wedding and they had a shake of a time jumping on the beds.

Those that come in the evening is because you can only invite so many, around 100/200, and you need to not insult anyone so you invite them for the evening. It’s also about cost. 30k pretty standard now.

StoppinBy · 10/07/2022 11:06

I think your parents are being unbelievably selfish given the circumstances.

I also think that the posters saying it's a perfect;y fine solution that DH goes home with your daughter are missing the obvious, I am sure you were looking forward to letting your hair down with your DH as it's such a rare occasion, doing that with your parents just isn't the same.

I hope they come to their senses, very mean of them otherwise indeed.

SheepingStandingUp · 10/07/2022 11:07

Its an attitude you see on here time and again. They have absolutely no obligation to you and your children. It’s not their problem. I can’t believe people actually expect this level of assistance from their parents. Like how can you ask that of another person. how can you ask someone to babysit as a one off?? She's not asking for a kidney.

RachelGreeneGreep · 10/07/2022 11:08

As others have suggested there is a bit of time yet to get her used to someone minding her. Is there a local Facebook page that you could ask for recommendations on?

Some of my nieces have done babysitting jobs when they were in their teens, there might be some near you whom your child could get to know.

Bit mean of your parents imo to effectively back out of the arrangement. YANBU.

Original poster
Cara671244 · 10/07/2022 11:08

For those asking no she doesn't go to nursery, she's starting in September, which I'm also hoping will get her used to being around people. Covid didn't help as we were not around lots of people so she's mainly used to me and dh. My parents just handed me the invitation to look at and I said if use go then we can't and my father just replied I know. That was it. I said so use do want to go fully expecting them to say no, and he replied yes. I was shocked to be honest.

OP posts:
FlorDeMayoByTheMile · 10/07/2022 11:09

They have given you months of notice it’s not like they’ve pulled out the day before.

ApplesandBunions · 10/07/2022 11:09

FlorDeMayoByTheMile · 10/07/2022 11:05

The entitlement on this thread. This is not aimed at the OP.

I have a friend who has a child in my daughter’s class. Her mum does ALL the school runs. All the childcare. Cares for the kids when friend and her husband go out.

A few months ago, friend was moaning because her parents had the temerity to book a holiday and “what am I meant to do nooooow?”

I dunno maybe pay for childcare like the rest of us??

Its an attitude you see on here time and again. They have absolutely no obligation to you and your children. It’s not their problem. I can’t believe people actually expect this level of assistance from their parents. Like how can you ask that of another person.

What does this friend and her entirely different circumstances have with the OP? You're projecting.

Anyway, regardless of whether one thinks it's reasonable to ask grandparents to look after a child overnight or not, it's going to look weird as fuck them being there while you now have to withdraw. Even if your parents didn't actually want to look after DGC OP, you'd think that would be obvious. Quite an awkward situation.

MsMcGonagall · 10/07/2022 11:09

Your parents are definitely being unreasonable. I would try communicating to them again, to emphasise that them joint means you will have to leave before the evening. Is there any chance they can reconsider?

And if they can't reconsider I would take this as a message about their future reliability/ commitment to you btw.

If this fails, what if, one of your friends comes on a sleepover to YOU with their child? So it isn't your DD who is trying to settle somewhere strange ?

AtillatheHun · 10/07/2022 11:09

If your parents are only invited to the evening part, they can do the day, put her to bed and then come. They might arrive a little after the stated time in the invite.
you hire a sitter for while dd is asleep and she’s none the wiser. Alternatively get her used to another babysitter between now and October- you’re making life hard for yourself without one, but I’m guessing a lot of lockdown babies are like this because of the poor opportunities for socialising

Livpool · 10/07/2022 11:10

Cara671244 · 10/07/2022 11:08

For those asking no she doesn't go to nursery, she's starting in September, which I'm also hoping will get her used to being around people. Covid didn't help as we were not around lots of people so she's mainly used to me and dh. My parents just handed me the invitation to look at and I said if use go then we can't and my father just replied I know. That was it. I said so use do want to go fully expecting them to say no, and he replied yes. I was shocked to be honest.

This is so weird of your parents -
So they come and off you go.
The other guests will be judging them!

Outlyingtrout · 10/07/2022 11:11

That's really, really crap of your parents. Even if they're of the "I'm not offering help to my offspring/making any sacrifices for them after 18" mentality, they made a commitment to you and are now going back on that. You don't do that to anyone, whether it's your kids, your friends or your boss.

If I were you, I'd have one last ditch attempt at reasoning with them. Very directly. ("I've tried to come up with other solutions and I've explained the situation to the bride but there's no workaround; if you go back on your commitment to babysit for us and accept the evening invitation, it means we can't go. I don't have anyone else to leave DD with. I would like to go because this is a very old friend of mine who is important to me and, as you know, DH and I don't ever have chances to socialise like this. You have been invited as a courtesy, not because you are close with the bride. I don't believe she would have asked you if she thought it would mean I couldn't be there. I am asking you as my mum and dad to stick to what you agreed and make this very small sacrifice which means so much to me.").

Then I'd just leave it. If they rethink then great. If not, just accept there's nothing you can do but it would definitely affect the relationship for me and I certainly wouldn't forget it when they decide they need your help in the future.